A Nonsense Anthology
by
Collected by Carolyn Wells
Part 5 out of 5
THE AHKOND OF SWAT
Who, or why, or which, or _what_,
Is the Ahkond of Swat?
Is he tall or short, or dark or fair?
Does he sit on a stool or sofa or chair,
or Squat,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Is he wise or foolish, young or old?
Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold,
or Hot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk,
And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk,
or Trot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he wear a turban, a fez or a hat?
Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed or a mat,
or a Cot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
When he writes a copy in round-hand size,
Does he cross his t's and finish his i's
with a Dot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Can he write a letter concisely clear,
Without a speck or a smudge or smear
or Blot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Do his people like him extremely well?
Or do they, whenever they can, rebel,
or Plot,
At the Ahkond of Swat?
If he catches them then, either old or young,
Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung,
or Shot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Do his people prig in the lanes or park?
Or even at times, when days are dark,
Garotte?
Oh, the Ahkond of Swat?
Does he study the wants of his own dominion?
Or doesn't he care for public opinion
a Jot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
To amuse his mind do his people show him
Pictures, or any one's last new poem,
or What,
For the Ahkond of Swat?
At night if he suddenly screams and wakes,
Do they bring him only a few small cakes,
or a Lot,
For the Ahkond of Swat?
Does he live on turnips, tea or tripe,
Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe
or a Dot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he like to lie on his back in a boat
Like the lady who lived in that isle remote,
Shalott.
The Ahkond of Swat?
Is he quiet, or always making a fuss?
Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or a Russ,
or a Scot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he like to sit by the calm blue wave?
Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave,
or a Grott,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he drink small beer from a silver jug?
Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug?
or a Pot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe,
When she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe,
or Rot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he wear a white tie when he dines with his friends,
And tie it neat in a bow with ends,
or a Knot,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies?
When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes,
or Not,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake?
Does he sail about on an inland lake,
in a Yacht,
The Ahkond of Swat?
Some one, or nobody knows I wot
Who or which or why or what
Is the Ahkond of Swat!
_Edward Lear_.
A THRENODY
What, what, what,
What's the news from Swat?
Sad news,
Bad news,
Comes by the cable led
Through the Indian Ocean's bed,
Through the Persian Gulf, the Red
Sea and the Med-
Iterranean--he's dead;
The Ahkoond is dead!
For the Ahkoond I mourn,
Who wouldn't?
He strove to disregard the message stern,
But he Ahkoodn't.
Dead, dead, dead;
(Sorrow Swats!)
Swats wha hae wi' Ahkoond bled,
Swats whom he hath often led
Onward to a gory bed,
Or to Victory,
As the case might be,
Sorrow Swats!
Tears shed,
Tears shed like water,
Your great Ahkoond is dead!
That Swats the matter!
Mourn, city of Swat!
Your great Ahkoond is not,
But lain 'mid worms to rot.
His mortal part alone, his soul was caught
(Because he was a good Ahkoond)
Up to the bosom of Mahound.
Though earthly walls his frame surround
(Forever hallowed be the ground!)
And sceptics mock the lowly mound
And say "He's now of no Ahkoond!"
His soul is in the skies--
The azure skies that bend above his loved
Metropolis of Swat.
He sees with larger, other eyes,
Athwart all earthly mysteries--
He knows what's Swat.
Let Swat bury the great Ahkoond
With a noise of mourning and of lamentation!
Let Swat bury the great Ahkoond
With the noise of the mourning of the Swattish nation!
Fallen is at length
Its tower of strength,
Its sun is dimmed ere it had nooned;
Dead lies the great Ahkoond,
The great Ahkoond of Swat
Is not!
_George Thomas Lanigan_.
DIRGE OF THE MOOLLA OF KOTAL
_Rival of the Akhoond of Swat_
I.
Alas, unhappy land; ill-fated spot
Kotal--though where or what
On earth Kotal is, the bard has forgot;
Further than this indeed he knoweth not--
It borders upon Swat!
II.
When sorrows come, they come not single spies,
But in battal-
Ions: the gloom that lay on Swat now lies
Upon Kotal,
On sad Kotal, whose people ululate
For their loved Moolla late.
Put away his little turban,
And his narghileh embrowned,
The lord of Kotal--rural urban--
'S gone unto his last Akhoond,
'S gone to meet his rival Swattan,
'S gone, indeed, but not forgotten.
III.
His rival, but in what?
Wherein did the deceased Akhoond of Swat
Kotal's lamented Moolla late,
As it were, emulate?
Was it in the tented field
With crash of sword on shield,
While backward meaner champions reeled
And loud the tom-tom pealed?
Did they barter gash for scar
With the Persian scimetar
Or the Afghanistee tulwar,
While loud the tom-tom pealed--
While loud the tom-tom pealed,
And the jim-jam squealed,
And champions less well heeled
Their war-horses wheeled
And fled the presence of these mortal big bugs o'
the field?
Was Kotal's proud citadel--
Bastioned, and demi-luned,
Beaten down with shot and shell
By the guns of the Akhoond?
Or were wails despairing caught, as
The burghers pale of Swat
Cried in panic, "Moolla ad Portas"?
--Or what?
Or made each in the cabinet his mark
Kotalese Gortschakoff, Swattish Bismarck?
Did they explain and render hazier
The policies of Central Asia?
Did they with speeches from the throne,
Wars dynastic,
Ententes cordiales,
Between Swat and Kotal;
Holy alliances,
And other appliances
Of statesmen with morals and consciences
plastic
Come by much more than their own?
Made they mots, as "There to-day are
No more Himalayehs,"
Or, if you prefer it, "There to-day are
No more Himalaya"?
Oi, said the Akhoond, "Sah,
L'Etat de Swat c'est moi"?
Khabu, did there come great fear
On thy Khabuldozed Ameer
Ali Shere?
Or did the Khan of far
Kashgar
Tremble at the menace hot
Of the Moolla of Kotal,
"I will extirpate thee, pal
Of my foe the Akhoond of Swat"?
Who knows
Of Moolla and Akhoond aught more than I did?
Namely, in life they rivals were, or foes,
And in their deaths not very much divided?
If any one knows it,
Let him disclose it!
_George Thomas Lanigan_.
RUSSIAN AND TURK
There was a Russian came over the sea,
Just when the war was growing hot;
And his name it was Tjalikavakaree-
Karindobrolikanahudarot-
Shibkadirova-
Ivarditztova
Sanilik
Danerik
Varagobhot.
A Turk was standing upon the shore--
Right where the terrible Russian crossed,
And he cried: "Bismillah! I'm Ab-El Kor-
Bazarou-Kilgonautosgobross-
Getfinpravadi-
Kligekoladji
Grivino
Blivido-
Jenikodosk!"
So they stood like brave men long and well;
And they called each other their proper names,
Till the lockjaw seized them, and where they fell
They buried them both by the Irdesholmmes
Kalatalustchuk
Mischtaribusiclup-
Bulgari-
Dulbary-
Sagharimsing.
_Anonymous_.
LINES TO MISS FLORENCE HUNTINGDON
Sweet maiden of Passamaquoddy,
Shall we seek for communion of souls
Where the deep Mississippi meanders,
Or the distant Saskatchewan rolls?
Ah no,--for in Maine I will find thee
A sweetly sequestrated nook,
Where the far-winding Skoodoowabskooksis
Conjoins with the Skoodoowabskook.
There wander two beautiful rivers,
With many a winding and crook;
The one is the Skoodoowabskooksis,
The other--the Skoodoowabskook.
Ah, sweetest of haunts! though unmentioned
In geography, atlas, or book,
How fair is the Skoodoowabskooksis,
When joining the Skoodoowabskook!
Our cot shall be close by the waters
Within that sequestrated nook--
Reflected in Skoodoowabskooksis
And mirrored in Skoodoowabskook.
You shall sleep to the music of leaflets,
By zephyrs in wantonness shook,
And dream of the Skoodoowabskooksis,
And, perhaps, of the Skoodoowabskook.
When awaked by the hens and the roosters,
Each morn, you shall joyously look
On the junction of Skoodoowabskooksis
With the soft gliding Skoodoowabskook.
Your food shall be fish from the waters,
Drawn forth on the point of a hook,
From murmuring Skoodoowabskooksis,
Or wandering Skoodoowabskook!
You shall quaff the most sparkling of water,
Drawn forth from a silvery brook
Which flows to the Skoodoowabskooksis,
And then to the Skoodoowabskook!
And you shall preside at the banquet,
And I will wait on thee as cook;
And we'll talk of the Skoodoowabskooksis,
And sing of the Skoodoowabskook!
Let others sing loudly of Saco,
Of Quoddy, and Tattamagouche,
Of Kennebeccasis, and Quaco,
Of Merigonishe, and Buctouche,
Of Nashwaak, and Magaguadavique,
Or Memmerimammericook,--
There's none like the Skoodoowabskooksis,
Excepting the Skoodoowabskook!
_Anonymous_.
COBBE'S PROPHECIES
When the day and the night do meete
And the houses are even with the streete:
And the fire and the water agree,
And blinde men have power to see:
When the Wolf and the Lambe lie down togither,
And the blasted trees will not wither:
When the flood and the ebbe run one way,
And the Sunne and the Moone are at a stay;
When Age and Youth are all one,
And the Miller creepes through the Mill-stone:
When the Ram butts the Butcher on the head,
And the living are buried with the dead.
When the Cobler doth worke without his ends,
And the Cutpurse and the Hangman are friends:
Strange things will then be to see,
But I think it will never be!
--_1614_.
AN UNSUSPECTED FACT
If down his throat a man should choose
In fun, to jump or slide,
He'd scrape his shoes against his teeth,
Nor dirt his own inside.
But if his teeth were lost and gone,
And not a stump to scrape upon,
He'd see at once how very pat
His tongue lay there by way of mat,
And he would wipe his feet on _that_!
_Edward Cannon_.
THE SORROWS OF WERTHER
Werther had a love for Charlotte
Such as words could never utter;
Would you know how first he met her?
She was cutting bread and butter.
Charlotte was a married lady,
And a moral man was Werther,
And for all the wealth of Indies,
Would do nothing for to hurt her.
So he sigh'd and pined and ogled,
And his passion boil'd and bubbled,
Till he blew his silly brains out,
And no more was by it troubled.
Charlotte, having seen his body
Borne before her on a shutter,
Like a well-conducted person,
Went on cutting bread and butter.
_W.M. Thackeray_.
NONSENSE VERSES
Lazy-bones, lazy-bones, wake up and peep!
The cat's in the cupboard, your mother's asleep.
There you sit snoring, forgetting her ills;
Who is to give her her Bolus and Pills?
Twenty fine Angels must come into town,
All for to help you to make your new gown:
Dainty aerial Spinsters and Singers;
Aren't you ashamed to employ such white fingers?
Delicate hands, unaccustom'd to reels,
To set 'em working a poor body's wheels?
Why they came down is to me all a riddle,
And left Hallelujah broke off in the middle:
Jove's Court, and the Presence angelical, cut--
To eke out the work of a lazy young slut.
Angel-duck, Angel-duck, winged and silly,
Pouring a watering-pot over a lily,
Gardener gratuitous, careless of pelf,
Leave her to water her lily herself,
Or to neglect it to death if she chuse it:
Remember the loss is her own if she lose it.
_Charles Lamb_.
THE NOBLE TUCK-MAN
Americus, as he did wend
With A. J. Mortimer, his chum,
The two were greeted by a friend,
"And how are you, boys, Hi, Ho, Hum?"
He spread a note so crisp, so neat
(Ho, and Hi, and tender Hum),
"If you of this a fifth can eat
I'll give you the remainder. Come!"
To the tuck-shop three repair,
(Ho, and Hum, and pensive Hi),
One looks on to see all's fair,
Two call out for hot mince-pie.
Thirteen tarts, a few Bath buns
(Hi, and Hum, and gorgeous Ho),
Lobster cakes (the butter'd ones),
All at once they cry, "No go."
Then doth tuck-man smile. "Them there
(Ho, and Hi, and futile Hum)
Jellies three and sixpence air,
Use of spoons an equal sum."
Three are rich. Sweet task 'tis o'er,
"Tuckman, you're a brick," they cry,
Wildly then shake hands all four
(Hum and Ho, the end is Hi).
_Jean Ingelow_.
THE PESSIMIST
Nothing to do but work,
Nothing to eat but food,
Nothing to wear but clothes
To keep one from going nude.
Nothing to breathe but air,
Quick as a flash 'tis gone;
Nowhere to fall but off,
Nowhere to stand but on.
Nothing to comb but hair,
Nowhere to sleep but in bed,
Nothing to weep but tears,
Nothing to bury but dead.
Nothing to sing but songs,
Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out,
Nowhere to come but back.
Nothing to see but sights,
Nothing to quench but thirst,
Nothing to have but what we've got;
Thus thro' life we are cursed.
Nothing to strike but a gait;
Everything moves that goes.
Nothing at all but common sense
Can ever withstand these woes.
_Ben King_.
THE MODERN HIAWATHA
He killed the noble Mudjokivis.
Of the skin he made him mittens,
Made them with the fur side inside,
Made them with the skin side outside.
He, to get the warm side inside,
Put the inside skin side outside;
He, to get the cold side outside,
Put the warm side fur side inside.
That's why he put the fur side inside,
Why he put the skin side outside,
Why he turned them inside outside.
_Anonymous_.
ON THE ROAD
Said Folly to Wisdom,
"Pray, where are we going?"
Said Wisdom to Folly,
"There's no way of knowing."
Said Folly to Wisdom,
"Then what shall we do?"
Said Wisdom to Folly,
"I thought to ask you."
_Tudor Jenks_.
UNCLE SIMON AND UNCLE JIM
Uncle Simon he
Clum up a tree
To see what he could see
When presentlee
Uncle Jim
Clum up beside of him
And squatted down by he.
_Artemus Ward_.
POOR DEAR GRANDPAPA
What is the matter with Grandpapa?
What can the matter be?
He's broken his leg in trying to spell
Tommy without a T.
_D' Arcy W. Thompson_.
THE SEA-SERPENT
All bones but yours will rattle when I say
I'm the sea-serpent from America.
Mayhap you've heard that I've been round the world;
I guess I'm round it now, Mister, twice curled.
Of all the monsters through the deep that splash,
I'm "number one" to all immortal smash.
When I lie down and would my length unroll,
There ar'n't half room enough 'twixt pole and pole.
In short, I grow so long that I've a notion
I must be measured soon for a new ocean.
_Planche_.
MELANCHOLIA
I am a peevish student, I;
My star is gone from yonder sky.
I think it went so high at first
That it just went and gone and burst.
_Anonymous_.
THE MONKEY'S WEDDING
The monkey married the Baboon's sister,
Smacked his lips and then he kissed her,
He kissed so hard he raised a blister.
She set up a yell.
The bridesmaid stuck on some court plaster,
It stuck so fast it couldn't stick faster,
Surely 't was a sad disaster,
But it soon got well.
What do you think the bride was dressed in?
White gauze veil and a green glass breast-pin,
Red kid shoes--she was quite interesting,
She was quite a belle.
The bridegroom swell'd with a blue shirt collar,
Black silk stock that cost a dollar,
Large false whiskers the fashion to follow;
He cut a monstrous swell.
What do you think they had for supper?
Black-eyed peas and bread and butter,
Ducks in the duck-house all in a flutter,
Pickled oysters too.
Chestnuts raw and boil'd and roasted,
Apples sliced and onions toasted,
Music in the corner posted,
Waiting for the cue.
What do you think was the tune they danced to?
"The drunken Sailor"--sometimes "Jim Crow,"
Tails in the way--and some got pinched, too,
'Cause they were too long.
What do you think they had for a fiddle?
An old Banjo with a hole in the middle,
A Tambourine made out of a riddle,
And that's the end of my song.
_Anonymous_.
MR. FINNEY'S TURNIP
Mr. Finney had a turnip
And it grew and it grew,
And it grew behind the barn,
And that turnip did no harm.
There it grew and it grew
Till it could grow no longer;
Then his daughter Lizzie picked it
And put it in the cellar.
There it lay and it lay
Till it began to rot;
And his daughter Susie took it
And put it in the pot.
And they boiled it and boiled it
As long as they were able,
And then his daughters took it
And put it on the table.
Mr. Finney and his wife
They sat down to sup;
And they ate and they ate
And they ate that turnip up.
_Anonymous_..
THE SUN
The Sun, yon glorious orb of day,
Ninety-four million miles away,
Will keep revolving in its orbit
Till heat and motion reabsorb it.
_J. Davis_.
THE AUTUMN LEAVES
The Autumn leaves are falling,
Are falling here and there.
They're falling through the atmosphere
And also through the air.
_Anonymous_.
IN THE NIGHT
The night was growing old
As she trudged through snow and sleet;
Her nose was long and cold,
And her shoes were full of feet.
_Anonymous_.
POOR BROTHER
How very sad it is to think
Our poor benighted brother
Should have his head upon one end,
His feet upon the other.
_Anonymous_.
_THE BOY_
Down through the snow-drifts in the street
With blustering joy he steers;
His rubber boots are full of feet
And his tippet full of ears.
_Eugene Field_.
_THE SEA_
Behold the wonders of the mighty deep,
Where crabs and lobsters learn to creep,
And little fishes learn to swim,
And clumsy sailors tumble in.
_Anonymous_.
_THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL_
There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.
One day she went upstairs,
When her parents, unawares,
In the kitchen were occupied with meals
And she stood upon her head
In her little trundle-bed,
And then began hooraying with her heels.
Her mother heard the noise,
And she thought it was the boys
A-playing at a combat in the attic;
But when she climbed the stair,
And found Jemima there,
She took and she did spank her most emphatic.
_H. W. Longfellow_.
FIN DE SIECLE
The sorry world is sighing now;
_La Grippe _is at the door;
And many folks are dying now
Who never died before.
_Newton Mackintosh_.
MARY JANE
Mary Jane was a farmer's daughter,
Mary Jane did what she oughter.
She fell in love--but all in vain;
Oh, poor Mary! oh, poor Jane!
_Anonymous_.
TENDER-HEARTEDNESS
Little Willie, in the best of sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
By and by the room grew chilly,
But no one liked to poke up Willie.
_Col. D. Streamer_.
IMPETUOUS SAMUEL
Sam had spirits naught could check,
And to-day, at breakfast, he
Broke his baby sister's neck,
So he sha'n't have jam for tea!
_Col. D. Streamer_.
MISFORTUNES NEVER COME SINGLY
Making toast at the fireside,
Nurse fell in the grate and died;
And, what makes it ten times worse,
All the toast was burned with Nurse.
_Col. D. Streamer_.
AUNT ELIZA
In the drinking-well
(Which the plumber built her)
Aunt Eliza fell,--
We must buy a filter.
_Col. D. Streamer_.
SUSAN
Susan poisoned her grandmother's tea;
Grandmamma died in agonee.
Susan's papa was greatly vexed,
And he said to Susan, "My dear, what next?"
_Anonymous_.
BABY AND MARY
Baby sat on the window-seat;
Mary pushed Baby into the street;
Baby's brains were dashed out in the "arey";
And mother held up her forefinger at Mary.
_Anonymous_.
THE SUNBEAM
I dined with a friend in the East, one day,
Who had no window-sashes;
A sunbeam through the window came
And burnt his wife to ashes.
"John, sweep your mistress away," said he,
"And bring fresh wine for my friend and me."
_Anonymous_.
LITTLE WILLIE
Little Willie hung his sister,
She was dead before we missed her.
"Willie's always up to tricks!
Ain't he cute? He's only six!"
_Anonymous_.
MARY AMES
Pity now poor Mary Ames,
Blinded by her brother James;
Red-hot nails in her eyes he poked,--
I never saw Mary more provoked.
_Anonymous_.
MUDDLED METAPHORS
_By a Moore-ose Melodist_
Oh, ever thus from childhood's hour,
I've seen my fondest hopes recede!
I never loved a tree or flower
That didn't trump its partner's lead.
I never nursed a dear gazelle,
To glad me with its dappled hide,
But when it came to know me well,
It fell upon the buttered side.
I never taught a cockatoo
To whistle comic songs profound,
But, just when "Jolly Dogs" it knew,
It failed for ninepence in the pound.
I never reared a walrus cub
In my aquarium to plunge,
But, when it learned to love its tub,
It placidly threw up the sponge!
I never strove a metaphor
To every bosom home to bring
But--just as it had reached the door--
It went and cut a pigeon's wing!
_Tom Hood, Jr_.
VILLON'S STRAIGHT TIP TO ALL CROSS COVES
"_Tout aux tavernes et aux fiells_"
Suppose you screeve? or go cheap-jack?
Or fake the broads? or fig a nag?
Or thimble-rig? or knap a yack?
Or pitch a snide? or smash a rag?
Suppose you duff? or nose and lag?
Or get the straight, and land your pot?
How do you melt the multy swag?
Booze and the blowens cop the lot.
Fiddle, or fence, or mace, or mack;
Or moskeneer, or flash the drag;
Dead-lurk a crib, or do a crack;
Pad with a slang, or chuck a fag;
Bonnet, or tout, or mump and gag;
Rattle the tats, or mark the spot;
You cannot bag a single stag;
Booze and the blowens cop the lot.
Suppose you try a different tack,
And on the square you flash your flag?
At penny-a-lining make your whack,
Or with the mummers mug and gag?
For nix, for nix the dibbs you bag!
At any graft, no matter what,
Your merry goblins soon stravag:
Booze and the blowens cop the lot.
THE MORAL
It's up the spout and Charley Wag
With wipes and tickers and what not
Until the squeezer nips your scrag,
Booze and the blowens cop the lot.
_W. E. Henley_.
ODE TO THE HUMAN HEART
Blind Thamyris, and blind M. aeonides,
Pursue the triumph and partake the gale!
Drop tears as fast as the Arabian trees,
To point a moral or adorn a tale.
Full many a gem of purest ray serene,
Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears,
Like angels' visits, few and far between,
Deck the long vista of departed years.
Man never is, but always to be bless'd;
The tenth transmitter of a foolish face,
Like Aaron's serpent, swallows up the rest,
And makes a sunshine in the shady place.
For man the hermit sigh'd, till woman smiled,
To waft a feather or to drown a fly,
(In wit a man, simplicity a child,)
With silent finger pointing to the sky.
But fools rush in where angels fear to tread,
Far out amid the melancholy main;
As when a vulture on Imaus bred,
Dies of a rose in aromatic pain.
_Laman Blanchard_.
IMERICKS
There was an old person of Ware
Who rode on the back of a bear;
When they said, "Does it trot?"
He said: "Certainly not,
It's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear."
There was an old person of Wick,
Who said, "Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick,
Chickabee, Chickabaw,"
And he said nothing more,
This laconic old person of Wick.
There was an old person of Woking,
Whose mind was perverse and provoking;
He sate on a rail,
With his head in a pail,
That illusive old person of Woking.
There was once a man with a beard
Who said, "It is just as I feared!--
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren
Have all built their nests in my beard."
There was an old man of Thermopylae,
Who never did anything properly;
But they said: "If you choose
To boil eggs in your shoes,
You cannot remain in Thermopylae."
There was an Old Man who said, "Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!"
When they said, "Is it small?"
He replied, "Not at all;
It is four times as big as the bush!"
There was an Old Man who supposed
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large Rats
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile Old Gentleman dozed.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapt up he
Was once by a Puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka
Who possessed a remarkably fat Cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
_Edward Lear_.
[_From books printed for the benefit of the New York
Fair in aid of the Sanitary Commission_, 1864]
There was a gay damsel of Lynn,
Whose waist was so charmingly thin,
The dressmaker needed
A microscope--she did--
To fit this slim person of Lynn.
There was a young lady of Milton,
Who was highly disgusted with Stilton;
When offered a bite,
She said, "Not a mite!"
That suggestive young lady of Milton.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin';
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, "Thank you, Madam,"
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
There was a young lady of Wales,
Who wore her back hair in two tails;
And a hat on her head
That was striped black and red,
And studded with ten-penny nails.
There was an old man who said, "Do
Tell me how I'm to add two and two?
I'm not very sure
That it doesn't make four--
But I fear that is almost too few."
There once was a man who said, "How
Shall I manage to carry my cow?
For if I should ask it
To get in my basket,
'Twould make such a terrible row."
_Anonymous_.
There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time;
When asked, "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime."
There once was a person of Benin,
Who wore clothes not fit to be seen in;
When told that he shouldn't,
He replied, "Gumscrumrudent!"
A word of inscrutable meanin'.
There once was a girl of New York
Whose body was lighter than cork;
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead,
Before she went out for a walk.
_Cosmo Monkhouse_.
There was a young man who was bitten
By twenty-two cats and a kitten;
Sighed he, "It is clear
My finish is near;
No matter; I'll die like a Briton!"
There was a princess of Bengal,
Whose mouth was exceedingly small;
Said she, "It would be
More easy for me
To do without eating at all!"
There was an old stupid who wrote
The verses above that we quote;
His want of all sense
Was something immense,
Which made him a person of note.
_Walter Parke_.
VERS NONSENSIQUES
A Potsdam, les totaux absteneurs,
Comme tant d'autres titotalleurs,
Sont gloutons, omnivores,
Nasorubicolores,
Grands manchons, et terribles duffeurs.
Un vieux due (le meilleur des epoux)
Demandait (en lui tatant le pouls)
A sa vielle duchesse
(Qu'un vieux catarrhe oppresse):--
"Et ton the, t'a-t-il ote ta toux?"
II naquit pres de Choisy-le-Roi;
Le Latin lui causait de l'effroi;
Et les Mathematiques
Lui donnaient des coliques,
Et le Grec l'enrhumait. Ce fut moi.
Il etait un gendarme, a Nanteuil,
Qui n'avait qu'une dent et qu'un oeil;
Mais cet oeil solitaire
Etait plein de mystere;
Cette dent, d'importance et d'orgueil.
"Cassez-vous, cassez-vous, cassez-vous,
O mer, sur vos froids gris calloux!"
Ainsi traduisit Laure
Au profit d'Isadore
(Bon jeune homme, at son futur epoux.)
Un marin naufrage (de Doncastre)
Pour priere, an milieu du desastre
Repetait a genoux
Ces mots simples et doux:--
"Scintillez, scintillez, petit astre!"
_George du Maurier_.
* * * * *
There was a young man of Cohoes,
Wore tar on the end of his nose;
When asked why he done it,
He said for the fun it
Afforded the men of Cohoes.
_Robert J. Burdette_.
* * * * *
I'd rather have habits than clothes,
For that's where my intellect shows.
And as for my hair,
Do you think I should care
To comb it at night with my toes?
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
But as for my hair:
I'm glad it's all there;
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
I wish that my Room had a Floor;
I don't so much care for a Door,
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore!
_Gelett Burgess_.
H was an indigent Hen,
Who picked up a corn now and then;
She had but one leg
On which she could peg,
And behind her left ear was a wen.
_Bruce Porter_.
Cleopatra, who thought they maligned her,
Resolved to reform and be kinder;
"If, when pettish," she said,
"I should knock off your head,
Won't you give me some gentle reminder?"
_Newton Mackintosh_.
When that Seint George hadde sleyne ye draggon,
He sate him down furninst a flaggon;
And, wit ye well,
Within a spell
He had a bien plaisaunt jag on.
_Anonymous_.
There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a Tiger;
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the Tiger.
_Anonymous_.
There was a young maid who said, "Why
Can't I look in my ear with my eye?
If I give my mind to it,
I'm sure I can do it,
You never can tell till you try."
_Anonymous_.
INDEX OF TITLES
ABSTEMIA _Gelett Burgess_
Abstrosophy _Gelett Burgess_
Aestivation _O. W. Holmes_
Ahkond of Swat, The _Edward Lear_
Alone
As with my Hat upon my Head _Dr. Johnson_
Auld Wife, The _C. S. Calverley_
Aunt Eliza _Col. D. Streamer_
Autumn Leaves, The
BABY AND MARY
Ballade of the Nurserie _John Twig_
Ballad of Bedlam
Ballad of High Endeavor, A
Ballad with an Ancient Refrain
Bison, The _Hilaire Relloc_
Bloated Biggaboon, The _H. Cholmondeley-Pennell_
Blue Moonshine _Francis G. Stokes_
Boy, The _Eugene Field_
Bulbul, The _Owen Seaman_
Buz, quoth the Blue Fly _Ben Jonson_
CENTIPEDE, A
Chimpanzee, The _Oliver Herford_
Chronicle, A
Classic Ode, A _Charles Battell Loomis_
Cobbe's Prophecies
Cock and the Bull, The _C. S. Calverley_
Collusion between a Alegaiter and a Water-Snaik
_J. W. Morris_
Companions _C. S. Calverley_
Cossimbazar _Henry S. Leigh_
Cow, The _Oliver Herford_
Cruise of the "P. C.", The
Cumberbunce, The _Paul West_
DARWINITY _Herman Merivale_
Dinkey-Bird, The _Eugene Field_
Dirge of the Moolla of Kotal _George T. Lanigan_
ELDERLY GENTLEMAN, THE _George Canning_
Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog _Oliver Goldsmith_
Elegy on Madam Blaize _Oliver Goldsmith_
FAITHLESS NELLY GRAY _Thomas Hood_
Famous Ballad of the Jubilee Cup, The
_A. T. Stiller-Couch_
Father William
Ferdinando and Elvira _W. S. Gilbert_
Fin de Siecle _Newton Mackintosh_
Flamingo, The _Lewis Gaylord Clark_
Forcing a Way
Frangipanni
Frog, The _Hilaire Belloc_
GENERAL JOHN _W. S. Gilbert_
Gentle Alice Brown _W. S. Gilbert_
Great Man, A _Oliver Goldsmith_
Guinea Pig, The
HEN, THE _Oliver Herford_
Her Dairy _Peter Newell_
Here is the Tale _Anthony C. Deane_
Her Polka Dots _Peter Newell_
Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell, The
_A. C. Swinburne_
Hippopotamus, The _Oliver Herford_
Holiday Task, A _Gilbert Abbott a Becket_
Hunting of the Snark, The _Lewis Carroll_
Hyder iddle diddle dell
Hymn to the Sunrise
IF
If Half the Road
If a Man who Turnips Cries _Dr. Johnson_
I Love to Stand
Imitation of Wordsworth _Catharine M. Fanshawe_
Impetuous Samuel _Col. D. Streamer_
Incidents in the Life of my Uncle Arly
_Edward Lear_
Indifference
In Immemorian _Cuthbert Bede_
In the Dumps
In the Gloaming _James C. Bayles_
In the Night
Invisible Bridge, The _Gelett Burgess_
JABBERWOCKY _Lewis Carroll_
John Jones _A. C. Swinburne_
Jumblies, The _Edward Lear_
KEN YE AUGHT O' CAPTAIN GROSE _Robert Burns_
Kindness to Animals _J. Ashby-Sterry_
King Arthur
LAYE OF YE WOODPECKORE, YE _Henry A. Beers_
Lazy Roof, The _Gelett Burgess_
Like to the Thundering Tone _Bishop Corbet_
LIMERICKS:
Cleopatra, who thought they maligned her
_Newton Mackintosh_
H was an indigent H _Bruce Porter_
I'd rather have habits than clothes
_Gelett Burgess_
I wish that my room had a door
_Gelett Burgess_
There once was a girl of New York
_Cosmo Monkhouse_
There once was a man who said "How"
There once was an old man of Lyme
_Cosmo Monkhouse_
There once was a person of Benin
_Cosmo Monkhouse_
There was a dear lady of Eden
There was a gay damsel of Lynn
There was an old man in a tree
_Edward Lear_
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka
_Edward Lear_
There was an Old Man of Leghorn
_Edward Lear_
There was an old man of St. Bees
_W. S. Gilbert_
There was an old man of Thermopylae
_Edward Lear_
There was an old man who said "Do"
There was an Old Man who said "Hush"
_Edward Lear_
There was an Old Man who supposed
_Edward Lear_
There was an old person of Ware
_Edward Lear_
There was an old person of Wick
_Edward Lear_
There was an old person of Woking
_Edward Lear_
There was an old stupid who wrote
_Walter Parke_
There was once a man with a beard
_Edward Lear_
There was a princess of Bengal
_Walter Parke_
There was a small boy of Quebec
_Rudyard Kipling_
There was a young lady of Milton
There was a young lady of Niger
There was a young lady of Wales
There was a young maid who said "Why"
There was a young man at St. Kitts
There was a young man of Cohoes
_Robert J. Burdette_
There was a young man who was bitten
_Walter Parke_
Vers Nonsensiques _George du Maurier_
When that Seint George hadde sleyne ye dragon
Lines by a Fond Lover
Lines by a Medium
Lines by a Person of Quality _Alexander Pope_
Lines to Miss Florence Huntingdon
Lines to a Young Lady _Edward Lear_
Little Billee _W.M. Thackeray_
Little Peach, The
Little Willie
Lobster wooed a Lady Crab, A
Lovers and a Reflection _C.S. Calverley_
Love Song by a Lunatic
Lugubrious Whing-Whang, The _James W. Riley_
Lunar Stanzas _H.C. Knight_
MALUM OPUS _J. Appleton Morgan_
Man in the Moon, The _James W. Riley_
Martin Luther at Potsdam _Barry Pain_
Martin to his Man
Mary Ames
Mary Jane
Master and Man
Mayor of Scuttleton, The _Mary Mapes Dodge_
Melancholia
Metaphysics _Oliver Herford_
Minnie and Winnie _Lord Tennyson_
Misfortunes _Col. D. Streamer_
Mr. Finney's Turnip
Modern Hiawatha, The
Monkey's Glue, The _Goldwin Goldsmith_
Monkey's Wedding The
Monsieur McGinte
Moon is up, The
Moorlands of the Not
Mors Iabrochii
Muddled Metaphors _Tom Hood, Jr_.
My Dream
My Feet _Gelett Burgess_
My Home
My Recollectest Thoughts _Charles E. Carryl_
Nephelidia _A. C. Swinburne_
Noble Tuckman, The _Jean Ingelow_
Nonsense
Nonsense _Thomas Moore_
Nonsense Verses _Charles Lamb_
Not I _R.L. Stevenson_
Nyum-Nyum, The
Ocean Wanderer, The
Odd to a Krokis
Ode to the Human Heart _Laman Blanchard_
Of Baiting the Lion _Owen Seaman_
Oh, my Geraldine _F.C. Burnand_
Oh, Weary Mother _Barry Pain_
On the Oxford Carrier _John Milton_
On the Road _Tudor Jenks_
Owl and the Pussy-Cat, The _Edward Lear_
PANTHER, THE
Parson Gray _Oliver Goldsmith_
Parterre, The _E. H. Palmer_
Personified Sentimental, The _Bret Harte_
Pessimist, The _Ben King_
Platypus, The _Oliver Herford_
Pobble who has no Toes, The _Edward Lear_
Poor Brother
Poor Dear Grandpapa _D'Arcy W. Thompson_
Psycholophon _Gelett Burgess_
Puer ex Jersey
Purple Cow, The _Gelett Burgess_
Python, The _Hilaire Belloc_
QUATRAIN
RIDDLE, A
Rollicking Mastodon, The _Arthur Macy_
Russian and Turk
SAGE COUNSEL _A. T. Quiller-Couch_
Sailor's Yarn, A _James Jeffrey Roche_
Sea, The
Sea-Serpent, The _Planche_
She's All my Fancy Painted Him _Lewis Carroll_
She Went into the Garden _S. Foote_
Shipwreck, The _E. H. Palmer_
Silver Question, The _Oliver Herford_
Sing for the Garish Eye _W. S. Gilbert _
Singular Sangfroid of Baby Bunting, The _Guy W. Carryl_
Some Geese _Oliver Herford_
Some Verses to Snaix
Song of Impossibilities _William M. Praed_
Song of the Screw, The
Song on King William III
Sonnet Found in a Deserted Madhouse
Sorrows of Werther, The _W. M. Thackeray_
Spirk Troll-Derisive _James W. Riley_
Story of Cruel Psamtek, The
Story of Prince Agib, The _W. S. Gilbert_
Story of Pyramid Thothmes
Story of the Wild Huntsman _Heinrich Hoffman_
Sun, The _J. Davis_
Sunbeam, The
Superior Nonsense Verses
Susan
Swiss Air _Bret Harte_
Sylvie and Bruno _Lewis Carroll_
Tender-Heartedness _Col. D. Streamer_
Tender Infant, The _Dr. Johnson_
There was a Frog
There was a Little Girl _H. W. Longfellow_
There was a Monkey
Three Acres of Land
Three Children
Three Jovial Huntsmen
Threnody _George T. Lanigan_
Thy Heart
Timid Hortense _Peter Newell_
Timon of Archimedes _Charles Battell Loomis_
'Tis Midnight and the Setting Sun
'Tis Sweet to Roam
To Marie
To Mollidusta _Planche_
Transcendentalism
Trust in Women
Turvey Top
Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee
Uffia _Harriet R. White_
Uncle Simon and Uncle Jim _Artemui Ward_
Unsuspected Fact, An _Edward Cannon_
Uprising See the Fitful Lark
Villon's Straight Tip _W. E. Henley_
Walloping Window-Blind, The _Charles E. Carryl_
Walrus and the Carpenter, The _Lewis Carroll_
Ways and Means _Lewis Carroll_
Whango Tree, The
What the Prince of I Dreamt _H. Cholmondeley-Pennell_
When Moonlike ore the Hazure Seas
_W.M. Thackeray_
Where Avalanches Wail
Wild Flowers _Peter Newell_
Wonderful Old Man, The
Wreck of the "Julie Plante" _W.H. Drummond_
Yak, The _Hilaire Belloc_
Yonghy-Bonghy-BO, The _Edward Lear_
INDEX OF AUTHORS
A BECKET, GILBERT ABBOTT
A Holiday Task
ASHBY-STERRY, J.
Kindness to Animals
BAYLES, JAMES C.
In the Gloaming
BEDE, CUTHBERT
In Immemoriam
BEERS, HENRY A.
Ye Laye of ye Woodpeckore
BELLOC, HILAIRE
The Bison
The Frog
The Python
The Yak
BLANCHARD, LAMAN
Ode to the Human Heart
BURDETTE, ROBERT J.
Limerick
BURGESS, GELETT
Abstemia
Abstrosophy
The Invisible Bridge
The Lazy Roof
Limericks
My Feet
Psycholophon
The Purple Cow
BURNAND, F. C.
Oh, my Geraldine
BURNS, ROBERT
Ken ye Aught o' Captain Grose?
CALVERLEY, CHARLES S.
The Auld Wife
The Cock and the Bull
Companions
Lovers and a Reflection
CANNING, GEORGE
The Elderly Gentleman
CANNON, EDWARD
An Unsuspected Fact
CARROLL, LEWIS
The Hunting of the Snark
Jabberwocky
She's All my Fancy Painted Him
Sylvie and Bruno
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Ways and Means
CARRYL, CHARLES E.
My Recollectest Thoughts
The Walloping Window-Blind
CARRYL, GUY WETMORE
The Singular Sangfroid of Baby Bunting
CHOLMONDELEY-PENNELL, H.
The Bloated Biggaboon
What the Prince of I Dreamt
CLARK, LEWIS GAYLORD
The Flamingo
CORBET, BISHOP
Like to the Thundering Tone
DAVIS, J.
The Sun
DEANE, ANTHONY C.
Here is the Tale
DODGE, MARY MAPES
The Mayor of Scuttleton
DRUMMOND, W.H.
Wreck of the "Julie Plante," The
DU MAURIER, GEORGE
Vers Nonsensiques
FANSHAWE, CATHARINE M.
Imitation of Wordsworth
FIELD, EUGENE
The Boy
The Dinkey Bird
FOOTE, S.
Farrago of Nonsense
GILBERT, W.S.
Ferdinando and Elvira
General John
Gentle Alice Brown
Sing for the Garish Eye
The Story of Prince Agib
There was an Old Man of St. Bees
GOLDSMITH, GOLDWIN
The Monkey's Glue
GOLDSMITH, OLIVER
Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog
Elegy on Madam Blaize
A Great Man
Parson Gray
HARTE, BRET
The Personified Sentimental
Swiss Air
HENLEY, W.E.
Villon's Straight Tip
HERFORD, OLIVER.
The Chimpanzee
The Cow
The Hen
The Hippopotamus
Metaphysics
The Platypus
The Silver Question
Some Geese
HOFFMAN, HEINRICH
The Story of the Wild Huntsman
HOLMES, OLIVER WENDELL
AEstivation
HOOD, THOMAS
Faithless Nelly Gray
HOOD, THOMAS, JR.
Muddled Metaphors
INGELOW, JEAN
The Noble Tuckman
JENKS, TUDOR
On the Road
JOHNSON, SAMUEL
As with my Hat
If a Man who Turnips Cries
The Tender Infant
JONSON, BEN
Buz, quoth the Blue Fly
KING, BEN
The Pessimist
KIPLING, RUDYARD
Limerick
KNIGHT, HENRY C.
Lunar Stanzas
LAMB, CHARLES
Nonsense Verses
LANIGAN, GEORGE T.
Dirge of the Moolla of Kotal
A Threnody
LEAR, EDWARD
The Ahkond of Swat
Incidents in the Life of my Uncle Arly
The Jumblies
Limericks
Lines to a Young Lady
The Owl and the Pussy-Cat
The Pobble
There was an Old Man in a Tree
The Yonghy-Bonghy-BO
LEIGH, HENRY S.
Cossimbazar
LONGFELLOW, H.W.
There was a Little Girl
LOOMIS, CHARLES BATTELL
A Classic Ode
Timon of Archimedes
MACKINTOSH, NEWTON
Fin de Siecle
Limerick
MACY, ARTHUR
The Rollicking Mastodon
MERIVALE, HERMAN
Darwinity
MILTON, JOHN
On the Oxford Carrier
MONKHOUSE, COSMO
Limericks
MOORE, THOMAS
Nonsense
MORGAN, JAMES APPLETON
Malum Opus
MORRIS, J. W.
Collusion between a Alegaiter and a Water-Snaik
NEWELL, PETER
Her Dairy
Her Polka Dots
Timid Hortense
Wild Flowers
PAIN, BARRY
Martin Luther at Potsdam
Oh, Weary Mother
PALMER, E. H.
The Parterre
The Shipwreck
PARKE, WALTER
Limericks
PLANCHE
The Sea-Serpent
To Mollidusta
POPE, ALEXANDER
Lines by a Person of Quality
PORTER, BRUCE
Limerick
PRAED, W. M.
Song of Impossibilities
QUILLER-COUCH, A. T.
The Famous Ballad of the Jubilee Cup
Sage Counsel
RILEY, JAMES W.
The Lugubrious Whing-Whang
The Man in the Moon
Spirk Troll-Derisive
ROCHE, JAMES JEFFREY
A Sailor's Yarn
SEAMAN, OWEN
The Bulbul
Of Baiting the Lion
STEVENSON, R. L.
Not I
STOKES, FRANCIS G.
Blue Moonshine
STREAMER, COL. D.
Aunt Eliza
Impetuous Samuel
STREAMER, COL. D.--_Continued_
Misfortunes
Tender-Heartedness
SWINBURNE, A. C.
The Higher Pantheism
John Jones
Nephelidia
TENNYSON, LORD
Minnie and Winnie
THACKERAY, W.M.
Little Billee
The Sorrows of Werther
When Moonlike ore the Hazure Seas
THOMPSON, D'ARCY W.
Poor Dear Grandpapa
TWIG, JOHN
Ballade of the Nurserie
WARD, ARTEMUS
Uncle Simon and Uncle Jim
WEST, PAUL
The Cumberbunce
WHITE, HARRIET R.
Uffia
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