Burlesques
by
William Makepeace Thackeray
Part 3 out of 9
hall reckonise me. Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a
footman in disguise hafter all.'"
"28th.--Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a
wopper at singing. I coodn make out why some people called out
'Bravo,' some 'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.' 'Bravee, Lablash,' says
I, at which heverybody laft.
"I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms
in goold on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold
waistcoat and dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese.
I wear a Camallia Jiponiky in my button-ole, and have a double-
barreld opera-glas, so big, that I make Timmins, my secnd man,
bring it in the other cabb.
"What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four
gals are faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do
all that they can do, and somethink they can't. There's an
indiscrible grace about her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she
sets my art in flams.
"Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on
the fourth tear?
"What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there!
"P.S.--Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per
cent this very day."
"2nd July.--Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me,
Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion,
Honorable Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells. Sir John's
carridge there in coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I
pass, and I'm obleged to get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed
up to the his. The gettin on hossback agin is halways the juice &
hall. Just as I was on, Desperation begins a porring the hair with
his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his anches, that I'm blest if I
didn't slip hoff agin over his tail, at which Ballybunnion & the
hother chaps rord with lafter.
"As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St.
Helena direction. We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon
Junction,' from Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it
hup heagerly."
"6th July.--Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh
bords of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyddlywm, with
tunnils through Snowding and Plinlimming.
"Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd
in the vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives & forks;
Welsh rabbit after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he
went strummint on his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon
piguliarly disagreeble to me.
"It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried
it, and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue
i's. Why HAM I always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is
sasiety, it's lors is irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry
a serving-made. What would Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say?
"P.S.--I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money, &
halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,'
Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is
the best in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and
seventeen pound sixteen and nine at the 'Star and Garter,'
Richmond, with the Countess St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac.
Not one word of French could I speak, and in consquince had nothink
to do but to make myself halmost sick with heating hices and
desert, while the hothers were chattering and parlyvooing.
"Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we
were more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-
beer betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with
hall this splender!"--
"July 24.--My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely
and chasely furnished--the droring-room with yellow satting and
silver for the chairs and sophies--hemrall green tabbinet curtings
with pink velvet & goold borders and fringes; a light blue
Haxminster Carpit, embroydered with tulips; tables, secritaires,
cunsoles, &c., as handsome as goold can make them, and candle-
sticks and shandalers of the purest Hormolew.
"The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round
igspanding table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any
number from 8 to 24--to which it is my wish to restrict my parties.
Curtings crimsing damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my
favorite great men decorats the wall--namely, the Duke of
Wellington. There's four of his Grace. For I've remarked that if
you wish to pass for a man of weight and considdration you should
holways praise and quote him. I have a valluble one lickwise of my
Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert--has a Field Martial and halso as a
privat Gent. I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are daily hullered
aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & the Duke
hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars
has made me Capting.
"The Libery is not yet done.
"But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see
it! such a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with
Walanseens Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose-colored
tapers. Goold dressing-case and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed
white and gold with curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a
top by a goold Qpid who seems always a smilin angillicly hon me,
has I lay with my Ed on my piller hall sarounded with the finest
Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth under him, 2 groombs, and a
fimmale for the House. I've 7 osses: in cors if I hunt this winter
I must increase my ixtablishment.
"N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.;
Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the
new lines in prospick equily incouraging.
"People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us
fashnabble gents about townd--But I can tell 'em it's not hall
goold that glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, hour
ours of studdy and reflecshun. They little think when they see
Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, worling round in a walce at Halmax
with Lady Hann, or lazaly stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring
helegant nothinx into the Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin
his hoss Desperation hover the exorcisin ground in the Park,--they
little think that leader of the tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a
careworn mann! and yet so it is.
"Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at
double quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy.
"First,--in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman
reely is, I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go
through it 4 times mor.
"I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and & a sure seat
across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding
Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've
suffered from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the
Opra.
"Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have
been surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the
apartmince of Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my
dancing-master. From six to nine we have walces and polkies--at
nine, 'mangtiang & depotment,' as he calls it & the manner of
hentering a room, complimenting the ost and ostess & compotting
yourself at table. At nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to
a party), I make my bow--my master (he's a Marquis in France, and
ad misfortins, being connected with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves
me--I hadwance--speak abowt the weather & the toppix of the day in
an elegant & cussory manner. Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my
mann--we precede to the festive bord--complimence is igschanged
with the manner of drinking wind, addressing your neighbor,
employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. And then we fall to
brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat like a commoner.
He says I'm gettn on very well--soon I shall be able to inwite
people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr.
Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of
Hancient Rum;') & the great Mr. Rodgers himself.
"The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins
then, reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts--Barnits as
many as I chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form
a member. Last Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my
friends: the display was sumptious; the company reshershy.
Everything that Dellixy could suggest was provided by Gunter. I
had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess of Wigglesbury, that
loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be called the Railway
Queend, as my friend George H---- is the Railway King,) on my left
the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the great Sir
Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust of
the fashn. I was in my GLOARY--the dear Countess and Lady Blanche
was dying with lauffing at my joax and fun--I was keeping the whole
table in a roar--when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly
Fitzwarren, my man, henters with an air of constanation. 'Theres
somebody at the door,' says he in a visper.
"'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of
a husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this
time I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)--
And so, going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently,
enouncing Mr. & Mrs. Blodder.
"I turned gashly pail. The table--the guests--the Countiss--
Towrouski, and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated
I's. IT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman
at Healing Common, and he--he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart.
"Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But
the unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him,
Huncle Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm!
"Phansy my feelinx."
"Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the
room: you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt.
Old Grann looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental
splender, and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the
company as respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says--
'Crikey, Jeames, you've got a better birth here than you ad where
you were in the plush and powder line.' 'Try a few of them plovers
hegs, sir,' I says, whishing, I'm asheamed to say, that somethink
would choke huncle B---; 'and I hope, mam, now you've ad the
kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment won't be out of your
way.'
"This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and
because in herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from
the hold lady, which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my
schooling; she got up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many &
many a lb; and manys the time in appy appy days when me and
Maryhann has taken tea. But never mind THAT. 'Mam,' says I, 'you
must be tired hafter your walk.'
"'Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, & I came in,
in THE CART.' 'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren,
intarupting her. And I will say the feller showed his nouce & good
breeding in this difficklt momink; for he'd halready silenced
huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny
sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies.
"'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that
sly wagg Cinqbars. 'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle
hold Lady, pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often
seen her take a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I
was ableeged to horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and
to help my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it
hoff to the elth of the company, giving a smack with her lipps
after she'd emtied the glas, which very nearly caused me to phaint
with hagny. But, luckaly for me, she didn't igspose herself much
farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing her to take another glas, I
cried out, 'Don't, my lord,' on which old Grann hearing him
edressed by his title, cried out, 'A Lord! o law!' and got up and
made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another word.
The presents of the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy.
"The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust
at the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg,
got up to leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of
coarse, rose to conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it
was! There it stood, with stars and garters hall hover the
pannels; the footmin in peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3
hundred apiece;--and there stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary
Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and
waiting till my abandind old parint should come out.
"Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone,
the great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid
as a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they
witnessed the sean. But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty
Quickset, who was going away with the Countiss, held her little &
out of the carridge to me and said, 'Mr. De la Pluche, you are a
much better man than I took you to be. Though her Ladyship IS
horrified, & though your Grandmother DID take gin for breakfast,
don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for honoring their
father & mother.'
"And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all
the good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was
a trump for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills
said she should have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I
let them. But it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove
hoff.
"There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I
muss say, I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those
fine ladies in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one
of em can hold a candle to Mary Hann.'"
"Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they
har at my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company. They bow
me out of the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says
I'm worth half a millium. The number of lines they're putting me
upon is inkumseavable. I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several.
Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire, looks splendid in a perspectus; and
the raskle owns that he has made two thowsnd.
"How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into
Lady Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there,
and cries out, 'O do make room for that dear creature!' And she
complyments me on my taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the
phansy of my weskit, and always ends by asking me for some shares.
Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff as a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as
poor as Joab--even he condysends to be sivvle to the great De la
Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's, lately, in his sollom, pompus
way, 'to faver him with five minutes' conversation.' I knew what
was coming--application for shares--put him down on my private
list. Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing through
Bareacres--hoped I'd come down and shoot there.
"I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. 'There,
old Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a
footman. There, old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see
you come cringing and begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a
VERY public place, I take my change for my money. I digg him in
the ribbs, or slap his padded old shoulders. I call him,
'Bareacres, my old buck!' and I see him wince. It does my art
good.
"I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred.
Lady Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her
right, of course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was
getting on in my fassanating way--full of lacy ally (as the Marquis
says) and easy plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table,
asked me to drink shampane; and on turning to tak the glass I saw
Charles Wackles (with womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurriers'
house) grinning over his shoulder at the butler.
"The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the
hall, he came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish
visper. 'Just come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for
you, my old boy.' So I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my
pus in my hand, as if I was going to give him a sovaring.
"'I think you said "Jeames," Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at
dinner?'
"'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.'
"'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just
one on the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd
been shot. And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest
of the grinning scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb."
"Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George,
Earl Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of
self & that noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small
piece of land of about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding
advantageous for the cultivation of sheep, which have been found to
have a pickewlear fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme,
heather, and other hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting
in the places where the rox and stones don't prevent them.
Thistles here is also remarkable fine, and the land is also devided
hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges--much more usefle and ickonomicle
than your quickset or any of that rubbishing sort of timber: indeed
the sile is of that fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there
altogether. I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this land (the
igsact premium of my St. Helena Shares)--a very handsom price for
land which never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient
to his Lordship I know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers
which he had given them. James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for
the fust time a landed propriator--or rayther, I should say, is
about to reshume the rank & dignity in the country which his
Hancestors so long occupied.
"I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the
Squallop Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c. &c., bordered
on the North by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby
Growler; on the South by the Hotion. An Arkytect & Survare, a
young feller of great emagination, womb we have employed to make a
survey of the Great Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar
(on paper), Plushton Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P.,
Esquire. The house is reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer,
imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by beautiful gardings. Theres a
lake in front with boatsful of nobillaty and musitions floting on
its placid sufface--and a curricle is a driving up to the grand
hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or perhaps Lady Hangelana de la
Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I MAY be going to form a noble
kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to unight my family once
more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some sentries
separated us. I have dreams of that sort.
"I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL,
standing in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union
with a serting butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir
Jeames and lady Hangelina de la Pluche! Ho! what will the old
washywoman, my grandmother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and
shall too by my honor as a Gent."
"As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to
give 5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some
ideer in vew. Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don't
Squallop lie amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster,
and Scrag End, through which cities our line passes? I will have
400,000 lb. for that mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have
arranged a little barging too for my friend the Erl. The line will
pass through a hangle of Bareacre Park. He shall have a good
compensation I promis you; and then I shall get back the 3000 I
lent him. His banker's acount, I fear, is in a horrid state."
[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no interest
to the public:--Memoranda of City dinners--meetings of Directors--
fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and nearly always
by the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose "pompossaty,"
as previously described, seems to have almost entirely subsided.]
We then come to the following:--
"With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett
the following news:--
"'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of
Diddlesex.
"'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'"
"'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry.
"'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice
Blowhard, promoted."'
"And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator--a Deppaty
Leftnant--a Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror
a sayber in my country's defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and
me at the head of my squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd
extonish 'em! How the gals will stare when they see me in
youniform! How Mary Hann would--but nonsince! I'm halways
thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's. She couldn't
abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's got a
good place. Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss,
or make her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. I told my
granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on
Desparation to leave a five lb. noat in an anvylope. But she's
sent it back, sealed with a thimbill."
Tuesday.--Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B----, rellatiff
to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that
hospicious seramony:--
"'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,--I THINK you had better be presented as a
Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know
what the uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803,
when the Prince of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray
jackets, leathers, red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass
helmets with leopard-skin and a white plume, and the regulation
pig-tail of eighteen inches. That dress will hardly answer at
present, and must be modified, of coarse. We were called the White
Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly recommend the
Deputy Lieutenant.
"'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-
room. Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina,
who will be presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you,
and is anxious to make your acquaintance.
"'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake,
my dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige
"'Yours, very gratefully,
"'BAREACRES.'
"Note.--Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M
for the cavvlery."
"Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that
month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my
gracious Sovarink.
"Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my
busm was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them
thinking of the great ewent--or if igsosted natur DID clothes my
highlids--the eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers.
Corts, Erls, presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in
my dreembs unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn
never surely igseeded that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I
actially dremt that Her R. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and
that there was a Cabinit Counsel to detummin whether her & was to
be bestoad on me or the Prins of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a
young Prooshn or Germing zion of nobillaty. I ask umly parding for
this hordacious ideer.
"I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented
to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The
Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming
like the--the--livries (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to
wear before entering sosiaty, that I couldn't abide the notium of
wearing one. My detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry
Cavilry Hoffiser, in the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex
Huzzas.
"Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself
quite hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as
shuited the presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig-
tales was out of the question. Tites I was detummind to mintain.
My legg is praps the finist pint about me, and I was risolved not
to hide it under a booshle.
"I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have
seen Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to
go there. Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did
I have myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables.
"Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold
tassels as bigg as belpulls.
"Jackit--French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, according
to the old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, &
settin hoff the cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY.
"A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of
Demaskus steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and
imbridered pocket ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which,
without vannaty, was, I flatter myself, UNEAK.
"But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At.
The huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass
Elmet & Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of
hevery Brittn; an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and
adord Prins; an At which VULGAR PREJIDIS & JOAKING has in vane
etempted to run down. I chose the HALBERT AT. I didn't tell
Bareacres of this egsabishn of loilty, intending to SURPRISE him.
The white ploom of the West Diddlesex Yomingry I fixt on the topp
of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a shaving-brush.
"You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect
to practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say.
"This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made
Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the
Lord in Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm
chair to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my
secknd man, standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus
Prins Consort. Hall the Candles were lighted. 'Captain de la
Pluche, presented by Herl Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man,
igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins to the Thrown. Nealin on
one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty towards the British
Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus Simiter WOULD
git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery
disagreeble)--rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly
but respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated
backards out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4
hours at this gaym the night before my presntation, and yet I was
the fust to be hup with the sunrice. I COODNT sleep that night.
By abowt six o'clock in the morning I was drest in my full uniform;
and I didnt know how to pass the interveaning hours.
"'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. 'It will
rejoice that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in
life. Has I ave read in the novle of "Kennleworth," that the Herl
goes down in Cort dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down
in all my splender and astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.'
To make this detummination; to horder my Broom; to knock down
Frederick the groomb for delaying to bring it; was with me the wuck
of a momint. The next sor as galliant a cavyleer as hever rode in
a cabb, skowering the road to Healing.
"I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with
the cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed
through the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry.
My snowy ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I
hentered the apartmint.
"There was a smell of tea there--there's always a smell of tea
there--the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords
her; but ha! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann!
"I halmost faintid with himotion. 'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to
me subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did
when you arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer
mortial, you were diwine!'
"R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions
in the groce carriketure he's made of me."*
* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
. . . . . .
"Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my
hentrance to St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish
Hambasdor himself was not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out.
"As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved
to come to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as
a charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in
which I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand
it,) and 2 fellers from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I
rode up St. Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hadycongs--the people
huzzaying--the gals waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring
Prins--hall the winders crowdid to see me pass.
"The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came,
for the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with
presented harms.
"What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from
Desperation. I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and,
salewting the crowd, I past into the presnts of my Most Gracious
Mrs.
"You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the
suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not
one who would gratafy IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our
reckonized instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye
rallying round my Thrown.
"Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,--when I
sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious
Prins, to admire womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my
busum was seased with an imotium which my Penn rifewses to
dixcribe--my trembling knees halmost rifused their hoffis--I
reckleck nothing mor until I was found phainting in the harms of
the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd to be standing by (I
knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him, igspecially his
ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall say
nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT
HE ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I
introjuiced myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the
equaintance, and peraps ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy.
"But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had
the inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing,
that Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the
ecomplisht Lady Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend,
John George Godfrey de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres,
Baron Southdown, in the Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron
Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., Lord Leftnant of the County of
Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was with her Noble Ma, when I
was kinducted tords her. And surely never lighted on this hearth a
more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady Hangelina
was the fairest Star--in that reath of Loveliness the sweetest
Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been
senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge
disappeared in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of
Hangelina.
"Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow--a grand and hawfle pusnage
her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of
Hostridge phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness
perfickly bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so
delighted to make your acquaintance. I have often heard of you.'
"'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the
fair Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!' (For you see
I've not studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French
phraces, without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.)
"'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY
old friend of yours.'
"'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty--
"'Hoggins--Mary Ann Hoggins'--ansurred my lady (laffing phit to
splitt her little sides). 'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and
I'm afraid you are a very sad, sad person.'
"'A mere baggytell,' says I. 'In fommer days I WAS equainted with
that young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for
hever, and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.'
"'Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all
dying to know."
"'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,'
says I, looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the
fassanations of my smile.
"'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and
mistashes standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of
the Countess of Bareacres' train?'--'Never mind Mamma's train'
(said Lady Hangelina): 'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is
to make all our fortunes--yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me
present you to Captain George Silvertop,'--The Capting bent just
one jint of his back very slitely; I retund his stare with equill
hottiness. 'Go and see for Lady Bareacres' carridge, George,' says
his Lordship; and vispers to me, 'a cousin of ours--a poor
relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when he came back, nor
in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems a knife and
fork was laid reglar for this shabby Capting."
"Thusday Night.--O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments
daily! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle
Camellia Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear
it in her raving Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what
was my sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the
house with my glas!
"She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however--would scarcely
speek; although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I
spose it was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the
box. As if he didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts
for nothink) that people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty."
"Friday.--I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in
the folloring lines--there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that
she's fond of. I edapted them to that mellady.
"She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling
at the pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick;
said I sung myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo);
and, on her rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out
with my pom:
"'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS.
"'When moonlike ore the hazure seas
In soft effulgence swells,
When silver jews and balmy breaze
Bend down the Lily's bells;
When calm and deap, the rosy sleap
Has lapt your soal in dreems,
R Hangeline! R lady mine!
Dost thou remember Jeames?
"'I mark thee in the Marble All,
Where Englands loveliest shine--
I say the fairest of them hall
Is Lady Hangeline.
My soul, in desolate eclipse,
With recollection teems--
And then I hask, with weeping lips
Dost thou remember Jeames?
"'Away! I may not tell thee hall
This soughring heart endures--
There is a lonely sperrit-call
That Sorrow never cures;
There is a little, little Star,
That still above me beams;
It is the Star of Hope--but ar!
Dost thou remember Jeames?'
"When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I
threw such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at
the hend, that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of
uncumtrollable emotium seized her. She put her ankercher to her
face and left the room. I heard her laffing and sobbing histerickly
in the bedwor.
"O Hangelina--My adord one, My Arts joy!" . . .
"BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet
Southdown, B's eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting
(who seems to git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have
beene down into Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the
feald there.
"Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent
boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers
in the Edges with a pistle)--I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes
as a shot, and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a
shooting gallery, which a chap histed up and down with a string. I
sugseaded in itting the hannimle pretty well. I bought Awker's
'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns at Mantings, and salected from
the French prints of fashn the most gawjus and ellygant sportting
ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold cap, woar very much on
one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered satting, a weskit
of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter tartn, (with
large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and
sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes,
was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set
hoff my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my
own pusnal istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my
grooms, with Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong
containing my dressing-case and close.
"I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad
Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk
of the hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new
comer amongst 'em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the
Bareacres tenantry, where I made a speech droring tears from
heavery i. It was in compliment to a layborer who had brought up
sixteen children, and lived sixty years on the istate on seven bobb
a week. I am not prowd, though I know my station. I shook hands
with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told him that the
purshuit of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of humannaty:
I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of my
hancisters) had conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy; and I gave him a
pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each
pocket, as a reward for three score years of labor. Fitzwarren, my
man, brought them forrards on a satting cushing. Has I sat down
defning chears selewted the horator; the band struck up 'The Good
Old English Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina
waived her ankasher and kissd her &; and I sor in the distans that
pore Mary Hann efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints."
"What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady
Hangelina's company! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded
gownds and retired caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her
which is puffickly admarable; and which, haddid to her own natral
bewty & sweetniss, creates in my boozum serting sensatiums . . .
Shor! I MUSTN'T give way to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the
aristoxy. What can she be to me but a mear recklection--a vishn of
former ears?
"I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday.
I met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady
in a melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun,
which was eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient
demean.
"'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I--'A penny for your Ladyship's
thought,' says I.
"'Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice,
with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 'YOU know what my
thoughts are, well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old
times, when both of us were poo--poo--oor,' says Mary Hann, busting
out in a phit of crying, a thing I can't ebide. I took her and
tried to cumft her: I pinted out the diffrents of our sitawashns;
igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as its
previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to marry into a noble
famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going hon hall the
time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up--'The real Siming Pewer,'
as they say in the play.
"There they stood together--them two young women. I don't know
which is the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt
help comparing myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that
found it difficklt to make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A."
"That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren--my oan man--a feller I've maid a
fortune for--a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!--a low bred
Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and
treating me to his imperence.
"He's a great big athlatic feller--six foot i, with a pair of black
whiskers like air-brushes--with a look of a Colonel in the harmy--a
dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome
from shuiting this hafternoon--and passing through Lady Hangelina's
flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann
pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to
her?
"'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money.
We'll take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a
purse-proud ungrateful fellow like Jeames--who's such a snob ('such
a SNOB' was his very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him--who's
the laughing stock of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room
too--try a MAN,' says he--'don't be taking on about such a humbug
as Jeames.'
"Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust
out a laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and
intarupt this polite convasation.
"I was in such a rayge. 'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to
the young woman--and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to
remain.'
"'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller--all
the colors of the ranebo.
"'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I.
"'It's not your livery,' says he.
"'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I,
unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 'Take my
jackit, Joe,' says I to the boy,--and put myself in a hattitude
about which there was NO MISTAYK.
. . . . . .
"He's 2 stone heavier than me--and knows the use of his ands as
well as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb
can't stand before the gentleman; and I should have killed him,
I've little doubt, but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us
before we'd had more than 2 rounds.
"I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm
writing this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to
dinner on account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and
disfiggrs me dreadfl."
"On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter
with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with
the rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form an
agreeable twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard
pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable;
and (has the Poick well observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs the
Fare') I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory
disfiggarment.
"It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my
phisticoughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis:
but of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis,
apinting Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley.
"Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul
visits during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me
messidges by her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the
contry) was always sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina.
Now it was a coolin hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her
Ladyship would perscribe--then, agin, it would be a booky of
flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and jyponikys),
which none but the fair &s of Hangelina could dispose about the
chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho! those dear mothers! when they wish
to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or to ixtablish their
dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give a man! You'd
have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi), that I
couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, and
blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I
ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the
kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em,
and sacrafised myself for her dear sayk.
"I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and
his son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted,
and hoped soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland.
"'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent
father. 'You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and
those of my Lady Bareacres; but I am not--not quite certain about
Lady Angelina's feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do
not see the necessity of prudent establishments, and I have never
yet been able to make Angelina understand the embarrassments of her
family. These silly creatures prate about love and a cottage, and
despise advantages which wiser heads than theirs know how to
estimate.'
"'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out
at this outrayjus ideer.
"'She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,--your
admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond
father's wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our
family.'
"'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,--'a barging's a barging--
I'll pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a
STRAYNGER'--(this I said in a sarcastickle toan)--'I wouldn't take
such a LIBBATY. When I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of
your estayt. I'll make your incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and
restor the ouse of Bareacres to its herly splender. But a pig in a
poak is not the way of transacting bisniss imployed by Jeames De la
Pluche, Esquire.'
"And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest
scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune.
All my shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I
was sevral thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind
not to reerlize till the proper time, and then to buy istates; to
found a new family of Delapluches, and to alie myself with the
aristoxy of my country.
"These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin.
'If you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have
married you: and why don't I? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a
marter to dooty; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with
that ideer.'
"There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and
Lady Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 'What a plucky fellow
you were, Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I
liked), 'in your fight with Fitzwarren--to engage a man of twice
your strength and science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this
is an etroashous folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10
minnits), 'for the sake of poor Mary Hann! That's a generous
fellow. I like to see a man risen to eminence like you, having his
heart in the right place. When is to be the marriage, my boy?'
"'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt
a precious sight more than you;'--and I gev him to understand I
didn't want him to put in HIS ore--I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers,
I prommis you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as
brayv as Bonypert, Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face
bagnits as well as any Evy drigoon of 'em all.
"Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. 'Mr. De la
Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point? You can't suppose that
you will be happy with a person like me?'
"'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I. 'Never, never go to say any
such thing.'
"'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep
your eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous
that you begin beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you
don't marry her, and perhaps some one else's--but you don't mind
THAT.'
"'Break yours, you adoarible creature! I'd die first! And as for
Mary Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy.
Once for all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a
pang to part with her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears),
'but part from her I must.'
"It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina,
that melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so
disml--yet she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all.
"'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up
Josephine. What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!'
"'It does,' says I--'Hagnies!' (Another laff.)
"'And if--if I don't accept you--you will invade the States of
the Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the
occasion of peace between you!'
"'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors
your Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers
morgidged; that if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an
old pawper; that he owes me a lot of money; and that I'm the man
that can sell him up hoss & foot; or set him up agen--THAT'S what I
know, Lady Hangelina,' says I, with a hair as much as to say, 'Put
THAT in your ladyship's pipe and smoke it.'
"And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced--
"'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.--We hear that a matrimonial union is on
the tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in
the Railway World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose
estates are situated in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this
interesting event.'"
"Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the
fealinx of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by
the hideer of my marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther
disapinted peraps that the fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so
easy to give me hup, for we Gents are creechers of vannaty after
all, as well as those of the hopsit secks; and betwigst you and me
there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht that I'd been borne a
Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have permitted me to marry
both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd to be appy with
ony one.
"Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my
defianced bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery
the great Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a
gent of my qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning
Erald--no, no, I'm not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit
infamation) an account of my famly, my harms and pedigry.
"I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my
arms and my adord wife's was drawn & quartered; and I got portricks
of me and her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being
resolved to be the gentleman in all things, and knowing that my
character as a man of fashn wasn't compleat unless I sat to that
dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis I presented to Hangelina. It's
not considered flattring--and though SHE parted with it, as you
will hear, mighty willingly, there's ONE young lady (a thousand
times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her hi.
"Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for
about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by
Maryhann, though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it &
pressing it to her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't
got your angellick smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.'
"Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her
mamma, though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the
'Book of Bewty' the same year.
"With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known
her--but the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted
in a gitar supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and
her brother Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote
the follering stanzys about her:--
"LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT.
"BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN.
"The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea,
Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea:
I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er,
I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more.
I stood upon the donjon keep--it is a sacred place,--
Where floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race;
Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field,
There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield.
"The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck,
On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck.
A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray--
St. Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day!
O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since
A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince!
At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers,
The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears!
"'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing:
O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing!
Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us,
And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus!
O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear
Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear?
I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride,
And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side!
"Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine!
Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line:
Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls,
The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls.
Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile,
'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile.
I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob
I'll muse on other days, and wish--and wish I were.--A SNOB."
"All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle.
They're always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young
chaps; but the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his
cuttin hoff his 'strong right hand,' is rayther too good; the
feller is about 5 fit hi,--as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist
like a gal; and though he may have the art and curridge of a Bengal
tyger, I'd back my smallest cab-boy to lick him,--that is, if I AD
a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is over.
"Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark
payges of the Istry of my life!"
"My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn,
prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though
mounted on the haypix of Good Luck--feasting hall the great (like
the Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle
and igsample through life), but not forgitting the small--No, my
beayvior to my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new
donkey cart (what the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set
of peggs for anging up her linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a
new shoot of close, which he ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much
to the estonishment of my Snyder there, namely an olliffgreen
velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a crimsn plush weskoat with
glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I never
should have eluded to, but to show that I am naturally of a noble
sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which is equel to
either good or bad forting.
"What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was
prepayred for my marridge--the consent of the parents of my
Hangelina was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I
thought) to be led to Himing's halter--the trooso was hordered--the
wedding dressis were being phitted hon--a weddinkake weighing half
a tunn was a gettn reddy by Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there
was such an account for Shantilly and Honiton laces as would have
staggerd hennyboddy (I know they did the Commissioner when I came
hup for my Stiffikit), and has for Injar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich
fine ones as never was given away--no not by Hiss Iness the Injan
Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind shoot) were
from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer. The honey-
moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was in
treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my
town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share-
Markit which was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the
atax of the misrable Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning
Erald) was restored to its elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with
scrip which was 20 primmium at 2 or 3: and bein confidnt that the
Markit would rally, had bought very largely for the two or three
new accounts.
"This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv
orders for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their
accounts. I am the soal of onour--but no gent can pay when he has
no money--it's not MY fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres
cabbidged three hundred yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the
biggest diminds and seven of the largist Injar Shawls--it's not MY
fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods back, and that Lady
B. declared they were LOST. I began the world afresh with the
close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing
nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though
beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin.
"Well--it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The
'Ringdove' steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The
Bridle apartmince had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly
at Balong sur Mare--the very table cloth was laid for the weddn
brexfst in Ill Street, and the Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the
Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium.
All the papers were full of it. Crowds of the fashnable world went
to see the trooso, and admire the Carridges in Long Hacre. Our
travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting, and
vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet
ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my vally, and
Mary Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our
match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught
and joakt, and enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly.
"I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before--aving a
multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts
to settle: atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in
horder: my sleap was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going
to be marrid or to be hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one:
tride on my wedding close, and found as ushle that they became me
exeedingly.
"One thing distubbed my mind--two weskts had been sent home. A
blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet
imbridered in silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day?
This hadgitated and perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go
down to Hill Street and cumsult the Lady whose wishis were
henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and wear whichever SHE phixt on.
"There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street:
which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared
meost uncommon when I kem in--the footman who was to enounce me
laft I thought--I was going up stairs--
"'Her ladyship's not--not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's
hill in bed.'
"'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.'
"At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown
out like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the
porter jined in it, the impident old raskle: and Thomas says,
slapping his and on his thy, without the least respect--I say,
Huffy, old boy! ISN'T this a good un?'
"'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and
laffing at me?'
"'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'--and
indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs--her
&s in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look
hod & then to grin too.
"'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and
collaring him fit to throttle him--'no raskle of a flunky shall
insult ME,' and I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both
of 'em into the hall-chair with a flopp--when Mary Hann, jumping
down, says, 'O James! O Mr. Plush! read this'--and she pulled out
a billy doo.
"I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina."
"Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:--
"'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished
pretensions which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me;
and have spared me the painful necessity of the step which I am
compelled to take. For a long time I could not believe my parents
were serious in wishing to sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated
them to spare me. I cannot undergo the shame and misery of a union
with you. To the very last hour I remonstrated in vain, and only
now anticipate by a few hours, my departure from a home from which
they themselves were about to expel me.
"'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom,
as you are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are
already informed of the step I have taken. And I have my own honor
to consult, even before their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope
and feel, before long.
"'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your
exquisite feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you.
She admires you as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy
which I entreat you to try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush,
try--for the sake of your sincere friend and admirer, A.
"'P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds
are beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.'
"This was hall!--Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin,
and that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! 'Who
has she gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one
hi) just touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin
out with the noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then!
"I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement!
"The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is
from the Morning Tatler newspaper:--
"ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE.
"THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT.
"The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable
world, has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement
by an event which has just placed a noble family in great
perplexity and affliction.
"It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a
marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble
Earl, and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world
have been the theme of general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was
supposed, in all human probability would have contained an account
of the marriage of James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina
----, daughter of the Right honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The
preparations for this ceremony were complete: we had the pleasure
of inspecting the rich trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of
Pall Mall); the magnificent jewels from the establishment of
Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant marriage cake, which,
already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not destined to be eaten by
the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb carriages, and
magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style of the
most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the Lord
Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to celebrate the
nuptials, and is staying at Mivart's. What must have been the
feelings of that venerable prelate, what those of the agonized and
noble parents of the Lady Angelina--when it was discovered, on the
day previous to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the
paternal mansion! To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble
niece's departure might have been fatal: we have it from the
waiters of Mivart's that his Lordship was about to indulge in the
refreshment of turtle soup when the news was brought to him;
immediate apoplexy was apprehended; but Mr. Macann, the celebrated
surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond Street at
the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved the
exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace,
Bullocksmithy, tomorrow.
"The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres
can be imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to
disturb--impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow.
Our reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's
mansion in Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and
his incomparable Countess. They have been received with a rudeness
which we deplore but pardon. One was threatened with a cane;
another, in the pursuit of his official inquiries, was saluted with
a pail of water; a third gentleman was menaced in a pugilistic
manner by his Lordship's porter; but being of an Irish nation, a
man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of Trinity College,
Dublin, the gentleman of our establishment confronted the menial,
and having severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring hotel much
frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and there
obtained what we believe to be the most accurate particulars of
this extraordinary occurrence.
"George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of
Lord Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:--Lady Angelina
had been promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She
never could abide that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the
servants' hall. Previous to his elevation he had himself been
engaged in a domestic capacity. At that period he had offered
marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living in the quality of
ladies'-maid in the family where Mr. De la P. was employed. Miss
Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid to Lady Angelina--the
elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss Hoggins who
delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of his
loss.
"Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres,
was ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a
cabriolet from the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No.
19,796, driven by George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from
Clonakilty, in the neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more
anon), and waited, according to his instructions, at the corner of
Berkeley Square with his vehicle. His young lady, accompanied by
her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a band-box, presently
arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what were the contents
of that box we have never been able to ascertain. On asking her
Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any particular
direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the eminent
milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he
should accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by
Miss Hoggins to go about his business.
"Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab
19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered
with no small difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park,
Lincoln's Inn Fields, where he lives with his family of nine
children. Having received two sovereigns, instead doubtless of two
shillings (his regular fare, by the way, would have been only one-
and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out with the cab for the two
last days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless intoxication.
His replies were very incoherent in answer to the queries of our
reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a compatriot, it
is probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy the curiosity
of the public.
"At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A
GENTLEMAN entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER
gentleman (meaning tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray
trousers, and black hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE
EUSTON SQUARE STATION, and there left them. How he employed his
time subsequently we have stated.
"At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment
learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman
answering the above description had taken places to Derby. We have
despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train,
and shall give his report in a second edition.
"SECOND EDITION.
"(From our Reporter.)
"NEWCASTLE, Monday.
"I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and
Cucumber Hotel.' A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS.
JONES, the gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a
blue band-box, arrived by the train two hours before me, and have
posted onwards to SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write
this on the hind boot, as they are putting to.
"THIRD EDITION.
"GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening.
"The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o'clock,
the Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage
between George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th
Hussars, third son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall,
Yorkshire, and Lady Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of
the present Earl of Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia
Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta,
daughter of the last-named Earl Bareacres.
(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book
of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not
be repeated here.)
"After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight
refreshment of sherry and water--the former the Captain pronounced
to be execrable; and, having myself tasted some glasses from the
VERY SAME BOTTLE with which the young and noble pair were served, I
must say I think the Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the
'Bagpipes Hotel and Posting-House,' whence they instantly proceeded.
I follow them as soon as the horses have fed.
"FOURTH EDITION.
"SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER.
"WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight.
"I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the
newly married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace,
reached Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the
'Cairngorm Arms'--mine is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of
Whistlebinkie.'
"On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of
military appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in
smoking a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage,
and the gentleman in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my
boy? You have come too late; unless you are come to have some
supper;' or words to that effect. I explained that I was not the
Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely apprised Captain Silvertop
(for I justly concluded the individual before me could be no other)
of his mistake.
"'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you,
then?' said Mr. Silvertop. 'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's
attorneys? If you are, you have come too late for the fair.'
"I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my
name was J--ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the
establishment of the Morning Tatler newspaper.
"'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked my
interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank--that the
disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had
caused the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my
employers were anxious to give the public every particular
regarding an event so singular.
"'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way
from London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the
readers of the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be ----
(the Captain here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not
repeat) and you too, sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.'
"'Scoundrel, sir!' said I. 'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman,
seizing me rudely by the collar--and he would have choked me, but
that my blue satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left
in the hands of this GENTLEMAN. 'Help, landlord!' I loudly
exclaimed, adding, I believe, 'murder,' and other exclamations of
alarm. In vain I appealed to the crowd, which by this time was
pretty considerable; they and the unfeeling post-boys only burst
into laughter, and called out, 'Give it him, Captain.' A struggle
ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have had the better, but
that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general and indecent
hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and said,
'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap,
Jims, and order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense--and mind
I don't see your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly
than it is.'
"With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr.
Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake
of his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I
make them known that they may call down the indignation of the body
of which I am a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the
public, as a gentleman shamefully assaulted and insulted in the
discharge of a public duty."
"Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of
my busm, and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee.
Mace thou be appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed
on i, the beink on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations
to Evn in your be1/2!
"I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of
Hangelina's departur. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard
the fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up,
they were married, and what could we do? This sensable remark I
made to Earl Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated
with me. Er who was to have been my mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I
never from that momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c.,
were sent back--with the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl,
which her Ladyship COODN'T FIND. Ony it was whispered that at the
nex buthday she was seen with a shawl IGSACKLY OF THE SAME PATTN.
Let er keep it.
"Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted
me adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister--
but I wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh--there was no more
money for THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his
feelinx in a poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel
Assombly.
"All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers,
hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their
bills, haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants.
That madniss didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry,
and rayge rack'd my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my
throbbink ilids. Hall night I follered Hangelinar in imadganation
along the North Road. I wented cusses & mallydickshuns on the
hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in my unhuttarable whoe! I
seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it, strangled it. Ha
har! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint grasp; and taw
the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible strenth of my
despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting over the memries of that
night. When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning,
the livid copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De
la Pluche!
"'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. I
had not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged
elseware. Hevns & huth!--what was it I red there? What was it
that made me spring outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?--I
red Rewin in that Share-list--the Pannick was in full hoparation!
. . . . . .
Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is
familliar? My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which
lassarated my bleeding art in Hoctober last. On the fust of
Hawgust where was I? Director of twenty-three Companies; older of
scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at least a quarter of a
millium. On Lord Mare's day my Saint Helenas quotid at 14 pm, were
down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at 3/8 discount; my Table
Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my Bathershins and
Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account at 17
primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central Oregons,
prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be alive
to write my own tail!"
(Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad
calculations, which we pretermit.)
"Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me
a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-
sixpence: woodn't advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of
scrip; kep me waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house; and
then sent out Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn't
discount my paper, and implawed me to clothes my account. I did: I
paid the three-and-six balliance, and never sor 'em mor.
"The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser.
Hagnies, Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came
upon me. They beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch
at the Halbany wodn keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs.
Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution
into my apartmince, and swep off every stick of my furniture.
'Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.' What an adwertisement
George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was collected to
laff at the prospick of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller of
wine; my picturs--that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless
her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all--all went to the ammer.
That brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt
me on the sholder, and said, 'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into
suvvis aginn.'
"I DID go into suvvis--the wust of all suvvices--I went into the
Queen's Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6
mortial weeks. Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble
altogether; there was sunlike in the dunjing of the pore prisner.
I had visitors. A cart used to drive hup to the prizn gates of
Saturdays; a washywoman's cart, with a fat old lady in it, and a
young one. Who was that young one? Every one who has an art can
gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann! 'Shall
we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?' Mary Hann said.
Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral:
but I didn't go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed
man. Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out!
I'd thirteen shillings left when I'd bought the gold ring. I
wasn't prowd. I turned the mangle for three weeks; and then Uncle
Bill said, 'Well, there IS some good in the feller;' and it was
agreed that we should marry."
The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw
the accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate.
We are happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a
prosperous one.
The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of
Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina
Silvertop. Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to
the venerable prelate: he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy,
of which he had been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and
where he married three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral
Church of St. Boniface, Bullocksmithy.
The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was
preparing a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the
Lord Bishop fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler,
bringing in his accustomed dish of devilled kidneys for supper,
discovered the venerable form extended on the Turkey carpet with a
glass of Madeira in his hand; but life was extinct: and surgical
aid was therefore not particularly useful.
All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man
increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in
during his episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds--
divided between his nephew and niece--not a greater sum than has
been left by several deceased Irish prelates.
What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon
to state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy,
which does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady
Angelina Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and
affectionate servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr.
James Plush, to whom her Ladyship also made a handsome present--
namely, the lease, good-will, and fixtures of the "Wheel of Fortune"
public-house, near Shepherd's Market, May Fair: a house greatly
frequented by all the nobility's footmen, doing a genteel stroke of
business in the neighborhood, and where, as we have heard, the
"Butlers' Club" is held.
Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife:
reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler
and a higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and
accommodates himself to an apron with perfect good humor. A
gentleman connected with this establishment dined at the "Wheel of
Fortune" the other day, and collected the above particulars. Mr.
Plush blushed rather, as he brought in the first dish, and told his
story very modestly over a pint of excellent port. He had only one
thing in life to complain of, he said--that a witless version of
his adventures had been produced at the Princess's theatre,
"without with your leaf or by your leaf," as he expressed it. "Has
for the rest," the worthy fellow said, "I'm appy--praps betwixt you
and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass of beer or port
(with your elth & my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much as my
clarrit in my prawsprus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely
to be better. If a man can't be appy with such a wife as my Mary
Hann, he's a beest: and when a christening takes place in our
famly, will you give my complments to MR. PUNCH, and ask him to be
godfather."
LETTERS OF JEAMES.
JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS.
"Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety
the follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an
olesome warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents.
"Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable
cludgyman in the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel
T----, of the Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young
man was sent to Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where
he was very nearly being Senior Rangler. He came to London to
study for the lor. His prospix was bright indead; and he lived in
a secknd flore in Jerming Street, having a ginteal inkum of two
hundred lbs. per hannum.
"With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted
for nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young
man, who took care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots;
cleaned his kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to
dine out, took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club--
where (unless somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed
his alf-pint of Marsally Wine.
"Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the
world. Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long
befor sevral of the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i;
one, ixpecially, the lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of
the Heast-Injar Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal
of all the season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His
haspirations were on the pint of being crowndid with success; and
it was agreed that as soon as he was called to the bar, when he
would sutnly be apinted a Judge, or a revising barrister, or Lord
Chanslor, he should lead her to the halter.
"What life could be more desirable than Frederick's? He gave up
his mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent
pleader; he devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb,
or with his hadord Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no
egstravigancies; he never was known to ride in a cabb, unless one
of his tip-top friends lent it him; to go to a theayter unless he
got a horder; or to henter a tavern or smoke a cigar. If
prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that young man.
"But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick
Timmins. The Railway Hoperations began.
"For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations
of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took
no note of railroads. He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution
which with hiron strides was a walkin over the country. But they
began to be talked of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford
and Cambridge Clubb, fellers were a speculatin. Tom Thumper (of
Brasen Nose) cleared four thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter),
who had lost all his proppaty gambling, had set himself up again;
and Jack Deuceace, who had won it, had won a small istate besides
by lucky specklations in the Share Markit.
"HEVERY BODY WON. 'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having
saved 100 lb., he began a writin for shares--using, like an
ickonominicle feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious
igstent. All the Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to
shares--the allottments came tumbling in--he took the primmiums by
fifties and hundreds a day. His desk was cramd full of bank notes:
his brane world with igsitement.
"He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day
about Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole
talk was of railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled
full of prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle,
to say he feared he was neglectin his bisniss.
"Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous
habits. He begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to
Greenwich or Richmond. He didn't see his Hemily near so often:
although the hawdacious and misguided young man might have done so
much more heasily now than before: for now he kep a Broom!
"But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin:
in an evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a
warning to all young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on
them in a moral pint of vu!
"You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican
Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo
(Provishnal) Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit
ninepence per share of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of
palm-oil, or four healthy niggers, African currency)--the shares of
this helegeble investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy
man was Fred when, after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he
sold his shares for 250L. He gave a dinner at the 'Star and
Garter' that very day. I promise you there was no Marsally THERE.
"Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose
to 5, he was in a fewry. 'What an ass I was to sell,' said he,
'when all this money was to be won!'
"'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw,
K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass. My dear
fellow, the shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your
solemn word of honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going
to tell you?'
"'Honor bright,' says Fred.
"'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but
went tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of
the streets. Claw WENT BY WATER.
"'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting
into his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8.
. . . . . .
"Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which
says:--
"'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.'
"And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging.
"What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since.
His lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain
deplores his absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his
housekeeper; and the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a
paragraf yesterday in the fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High
Life.--The rich and beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland
Place, is to be speedily united to Colonel Claw, K.X.R.'
"JEAMES."
JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION.
"You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the
haltered linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble
mislny were once fimiliar,--the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly
so selabrated in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush,
landlord of the 'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me;
that is my haypun which I wear as becomes a publican--those is the
checkers which hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am like the
Romin Genral, St. Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun. I,
who have drunk Shampang in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of
Small Bier. As for my wife--that Angel--I've not ventured to
depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in the Bar, smiling like a sunflower
and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing a deer little darlint
totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and my i's to a T!
* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
"I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but
a Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix--which with
all my sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup,
ginteal inquirys as to my Salissator's name, &c. &c., I dispize and
scorn artily. But as a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon
Brittn, my jewty compels me to come forwoods, and igspress my
opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE--the break of Gage.
"An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very
nearly had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when
the Lady Angelina S----, daughter of the Earl of B----cres,
presented the gallant Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair.
Nothink would satasfy her Ladyship but that her old and attacht
famdyshamber, my wife Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this
hospicious occasion. Captain S---- was not jellus of me on account
of my former attachment to his Lady. I cunsented that my Mary Hann
should attend her, and me, my wife, and our dear babby acawdingly
set out for our noable frend's residence, Honeymoon Lodge, near
Cheltenham.
"Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4,
but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon
Railroad travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out
by the Great Westn, in an eavle Hour.
"We didnt take much luggitch--my wife's things in the ushal
bandboxes--mine in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's
(called so in complament to his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a
small supply of a few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious
food, and Lady's fingers, for that dear child, who is now 6 months
old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE. Likewise we were charged with
a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from Skivary & Morris,
containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's cawdle, with
a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and owsehold:
about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's in
Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres (big
enough to immus a Halderman), & a case marked 'Glass,' from her
ladyship's meddicle man, which were stowed away together; had to
this an ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored Satting & Pink lace
hangings, held up by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had, ingluding
James Hangelo's rattle & my umbrellow, 73 packidges in all.
"We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid
Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet
spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn
upon this Art which I shoodn't like Mary Hann to know--and here, to
our infanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that we
were in the seeknd class, having with us James Hangelo, and 23
other light harticles.
"Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my
hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse;
but seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on
an Am Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi--'James,' says Mary
Hann, 'instead of looking at that young lady--and not so VERY young
neither--be pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the
other carridge.' I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23
articles in the opsit carridg, only missing my umberella & baby's
rattle; and jest as I came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of
a bell rings, the whizzling injians proclayms the time of our
departure,--& farewell soop and cottn velvet. Mary Hann was sulky.
She said it was my losing the umberella. If it had been a COTTON
VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James Hangelo sittn on
my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: & for 20 miles
that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the
passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly.
"We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged
to undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up
moughs, tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring
still like mad, and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of
our luggage from the broad gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,'
says I, rot to desperation, 'I shall throttle this darling if he
goes on.' 'Do,' says she--'and GO INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,' says
she--a snatchin the babby out of my arms. Do go,' says she, youre
not fit to look after luggage,' and she began lulling James Hangelo
to sleep with one hi, while she looked after the packets with the
other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that packet!--pretty darling--
easy with that box, Sir, its glass--pooooty poppet--where's the
deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried, reading out of a
list she had.--And poor little James went to sleep. The porters
were bundling and carting the various harticles with no more
ceremony than if each package had been of cannonball.
"At last--bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the
Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white
bandbox, with a crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from
Crinoline's!' cries Mary Hann; and she puts down the child on the
bench, and rushes forward to inspect the dammidge. You could hear
the Chayny bowls clinking inside; and Lady B.'s mixture (which had
the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was dribbling out over the
smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak, trimmed with
Blown lace and lined with white satting.
"As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I
thought I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little
soup; so I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma,
and went off. There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon.
. . . . . .
"We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered
with a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not
speak for some minutes. At last she spoke out--
"'Have you all the small parcels?'
"'Twenty-three in all,' says I.
"'Then give me baby.'
"'Give you what?' says I.
"'Give me baby.'
"'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I.
. . . . . .
"O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE
LEDGE AT GLOSTER.
"It all came of the break of gage."
MR. JEAMES AGAIN.
"DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my
privit ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis,
regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose
primmiture dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted
parents, I must begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of
your valuble collams once more, and hease the public mind about my
blessid boy.
"Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush
was left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most
disgreeble of complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of
Mrs. Jeames might be said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying,
as we rusht into that fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found
it was not Baby, but Bundles I had in my lapp.
"When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at
the train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the
luggitch, her Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady
Hangelina's baby, the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one
immortial smash; the old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann,
as if it was huss, and not the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to
blame; and as if we ad no misfortns of our hown to deplaw. She
bust out about my stupid imparence; called Mary Hann a good for
nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on about her broken
Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear little
Christian child. 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby'
(seshe); 'where's my bowl?--where's my medsan?--where's my
bewtiffle Pint lace?--All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you
brute, you!'
"'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite
riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at
Gloster, why your goods is spiled--it's not the fust time they've
been asked the question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time
you send for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the "Plow"--they keep
it very good and strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a
going back to the cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid
child.'
"'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not
going to Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss
it?'
"'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint
by the Fly.' And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames
and I lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad
back to Gloster.
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