Child of a Century, entire
by
Alfred de Musset
Part 4 out of 5
love more highly than her reputation; she seemed to regret having shown
that she cared for the representations of malice. At any rate, instead
of making any attempt to disarm criticism or thwart curiosity, we lived
the freest kind of life, more regardless of public opinion than ever.
For some time I kept my word, and not a cloud troubled our life.
These were happy days, but it is not of these that I would speak.
It was said everywhere about the country that Brigitte was living
publicly with a libertine from Paris; that her lover ill-treated her,
that they spent their time quarrelling, and that she would come to a bad
end. As they had praised Brigitte for her conduct in the past, so they
blamed her now. There was nothing in her past life, even, that was not
picked to pieces and misrepresented. Her lonely tramps over the
mountains, when engaged in works of charity, suddenly became the subject
of quibbles and of raillery. They spoke of her as of a woman who had
lost all human respect and who deserved the frightful misfortunes she was
drawing down on her head.
I had told Brigitte that it was best to let them talk and pay no
attention to them; but the truth is, it became insupportable to me.
I sometimes tried to catch a word that could be construed as an insult
and to demand an explanation. I listened to whispered conversations in
a salon where I was visiting, but could hear nothing; in order to do us
better justice they waited until I had gone. I returned to Brigitte and
told her that all these stories were mere nonsense; that it was foolish
to notice them; that they could talk about us as much as they pleased and
we would care nothing about it.
Was I not terribly mistaken? If Brigitte was imprudent, was it not my
place to be cautious and ward off danger? On the contrary, I took, so
to speak, the part of the world against her.
I began by indifference; I was soon to grow malignant.
"It is true," I said, "that they speak evil of your nocturnal excursions.
Are you sure that they are wrong? Has nothing happened in those romantic
grottoes and by-paths in the forest? Have you never accepted the arm of
an unknown as you accepted mine? Was it merely charity that served as
your divinity in that beautiful temple of verdure that you visited so
bravely?"
Brigitte's glance when I adopted this tone I shall never forget;
I shuddered at it myself. "But, bah!" I thought, "she would do the same
thing that my other mistress did--she would point me out as a ridiculous
fool, and I should pay for it all in the eyes of the public."
Between the man who doubts and the man who denies there is only a step.
All philosophy is akin to atheism. Having told Brigitte that I suspected
her past conduct, I began to regard it with real suspicion.
I came to imagine that Brigitte was deceiving me, she who never left me
at any hour of the day; I sometimes planned long absences in order to
test her, as I supposed; but in truth it was only to give myself some
excuse for suspicion and mockery. And then I took pleasure in observing
that I had outgrown my foolish jealousy, which was the same as saying
that I no longer esteemed her highly enough to be jealous of her.
At first I kept such thoughts to myself, but soon found pleasure in
revealing them to Brigitte. We had gone out for a walk:
"That dress is pretty," I said, "such and such a girl, belonging to one
of my friends, has one like it."
We were now seated at table.
"Come, my dear, my former mistress used to sing for me at dessert; you
promised, you know, to imitate her."
She sat down at the piano.
"Ah! pardon me, but will you play that waltz that was so popular last
winter? That will remind me of happy times."
Reader, this lasted six months: for six long months Brigitte,
scandalized, exposed to the insults of the world, had to endure from me
all the wrongs that a wrathful and cruel libertine can inflict on woman.
After these distressing scenes, in which my own spirit exhausted itself
in suffering and in painful contemplation of the past; after recovering
from that frenzy, a strange access of love, an extreme exaltation, led me
to treat my mistress like an idol, or a divinity. A quarter of an hour
after insulting her I was on my knees before her; when I was not accusing
her of some crime, I was begging her pardon; when I was not mocking, I
was weeping. Then, seized by a delirium of joy, I almost lost my reason
in the violence of my transports; I did not know what to do, what to say,
what to think, in order to repair the evil I had done. I took Brigitte
in my arms, and made her repeat a hundred times that she loved me and
that she pardoned me. I threatened to expiate my evil deeds by blowing
out my brains if I ever ill-treated her again. These periods of
exaltation sometimes lasted several hours, during which time I exhausted
myself in foolish expressions of love and esteem. Then morning came; day
appeared; I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, and I awakened with a
smile on my lips, mocking at everything, believing in nothing.
During these terrible hours, Brigitte appeared to forget that there was a
man in me other than the one she saw. When I asked her pardon she
shrugged her shoulders as if to answer: "Do you not know that I pardon
you?" She would not complain as long as a spark of love remained in my
heart; she assured me that all was good and sweet coming from me, insults
as well as tears.
And yet as time passed my evil grew worse, my moments of malignity and
irony became more sombre and intractable. A real physical fever attended
my outbursts of passion; I awakened trembling in every limb and covered
with cold sweat. Brigitte, too, although she did not complain of it,
began to fail in health. When I started to abuse her she would leave me
without a word and lock herself in her room. Thank God, I never raised
my hand against her; in my most violent moments I would rather have died
than touched her.
One evening the rain was driving against the windows; we were alone, the
curtains were closed.
"I am in happy humor this evening," I said to Brigitte, "and yet the
horrible weather saddens me. Let us seek some diversion in spite of the
storm."
I arose and lighted all the candles I could find. The room was small and
the illumination brilliant. At the same time a bright fire threw out a
stifling heat:
"Come," I said, "what shall we do while waiting for supper?"
I happened to remember that it was carnival time in Paris I seemed to see
the carriages filled with masks crossing the boulevards. I heard the
shouts of the crowds before the theatres; I saw the lascivious dances,
the gay costumes, the wine and the folly; all my youth bounded in my
heart.
"Let us disguise ourselves," I said to Brigitte. "It will be for our own
amusement, but what does that matter? If you have no costumes we can
make them, and pass away the time agreeably."
We searched in the closet for dresses, cloaks, and artificial flowers;
Brigitte, as usual, was patient and cheerful. We both arranged a sort of
travesty; she wished to dress my hair herself; we painted and powdered
ourselves freely; all that we lacked was found in an old chest that had
belonged, I believe, to the aunt. In an hour we could not recognize each
other. The evening passed in singing, in a thousand follies; toward one
o'clock in the morning it was time for supper.
We had ransacked all the closets; there was one near me that remained
open. While sitting down at the table, I perceived on a shelf the book
of which I have already spoken, the one in which Brigitte was accustomed
to write.
"Is it not a collection of your thoughts?" I asked, stretching out my
hand and taking the book down. "If I may, allow me to look at it."
I opened the book, although Brigitte made a gesture as if to prevent me;
on the first page I read these words:
"This is my last will and testament."
Everything was written in a firm hand; I found first a faithful recital
of all that Brigitte had suffered on my account since she had been my
mistress. She announced her firm determination to endure everything,
so long as I loved her, and to die when I left her. Her daily life was
recorded there; what she had lost, what she had hoped, the isolation she
experienced even in my presence, the barrier that was growing up between
us; the cruelties I subjected her to in return for her love and her
resignation. All this was written down without a complaint; on the
contrary she undertook to justify me. Then followed personal details,
the disposition of her effects. She would end her life by poison, she
wrote. She would die by her own hand and expressly forbade that her
death should be charged to me. "Pray for him!" were her last words.
I found in the closet on the same shelf a little box that I remembered I
had seen before, filled with a fine bluish powder resembling salt.
"What is this?" I asked of Brigitte, raising the box to my lips. She
gave vent to a scream of terror and threw herself upon me.
"Brigitte," I said, "bid me farewell. I shall carry this box away with
me; you will forget me, and you will live if you wish to save me from
becoming a murderer. I shall set out this very night; you will agree
with me that God demands it. Give me a last kiss."
I bent over her and kissed her forehead.
"Not yet!" she cried, in anguish. But I repulsed her and left the room.
Three hours later I was ready to set out, and the horses were at the
door. It was still raining when I entered the carriage. At the moment
the carriage was starting, I felt two arms about my body and a sob which
spent itself on my lips.
It was Brigitte. I did all I could to persuade her to remain; I ordered
the driver to stop; I even told her that I would return to her when time
should have effaced the memory of the wrongs I had done her. I forced
myself to prove to her that yesterday was the same as to-day, to-day as
yesterday; I repeated that I could only render her unhappy, that to
attach herself to me was but to make an assassin of me. I resorted to
prayers, to vows, to threats even; her only reply was: "You are going
away; take me, let us take leave of the country, let us take leave of the
past. We can not live here; let us go elsewhere, wherever you please;
let us go and die together in some remote corner of the world. We must
be happy, I by you, you by me."
I kissed her with such passion that I feared my heart would burst.
"Drive on!" I cried to the coachman. We threw ourselves into each
other's arms, and the horses set out at a gallop.
ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS:
Adieu, my son, I love you and I die
All philosophy is akin to atheism
And when love is sure of itself and knows response
Can any one prevent a gossip
Each one knows what the other is about to say
Good and bad days succeeded each other almost regularly
Great sorrows neither accuse nor blaspheme--they listen
Happiness of being pursued
He who is loved by a beautiful woman is sheltered from every blow
I neither love nor esteem sadness
It is a pity that you must seek pastimes
Man who suffers wishes to make her whom he loves suffer
No longer esteemed her highly enough to be jealous of her
Pure caprice that I myself mistook for a flash of reason
Quarrel had been, so to speak, less sad than our reconciliation
She pretended to hope for the best
Terrible words; I deserve them, but they will kill me
There are two different men in you
We have had a mass celebrated, and it cost us a large sum
What human word will ever express thy slightest caress
What you take for love is nothing more than desire
CONFESSION OF A CHILD OF THE CENTURY
(Confession d'un Enfant du Siecle)
By ALFRED DE MUSSET
BOOK 3.
PART V
CHAPTER I
SWEET ANTICIPATIONS
Having decided on a long tour, we went first to Paris; the necessary
preparations required time, and we took a furnished apartment for one
month. The decision to leave France had changed everything: joy, hope,
confidence, all returned; no more sorrow, no more grief over approaching
separation. We had now nothing but dreams of happiness and vows of
eternal love; I wished, once for all, to make my dear mistress forget all
the suffering I had caused her. How had I been able to resist such proof
of tender affection and courageous resignation? Not only did Brigitte
pardon me, but she was willing to make a still greater sacrifice and
leave everything for me. As I felt myself unworthy of the devotion she
exhibited, I wished to requite her by my love; at last my good angel had
triumphed, and admiration and love resumed their sway in my heart.
Brigitte and I examined a map to determine where we should go and bury
ourselves from the world. We had not yet decided, and we found pleasure
in that very uncertainty; while glancing over the map we said "Where
shall we go? What shall we do? Where shall we begin life anew?"
How shall I tell how deeply I repented my cruelty when I looked upon her
smiling face, a face that laughed at the future, although still pale from
the sorrows of the past! Blissful projects of future joy, you are
perhaps the only true happiness known to man! For eight days we spent
our time making purchases and preparing for our departure; then a young
man presented himself at our apartments: he brought letters to Brigitte.
After their interview I found her sad and distraught; but I could not
guess the cause unless the letters were from N------, that village where
I had confessed my love and where Brigitte's only relatives lived.
Nevertheless, our preparations progressed rapidly and I became impatient
to get away; at the same time I was so happy that I could hardly rest.
When I arose in the morning and the sun was shining through our windows,
I experienced such transports of joy that I was almost intoxicated with
happiness. So anxious was I to prove the sincerity of my love for
Brigitte that I hardly dared kiss the hem of her skirt. Her lightest
words made me tremble as if her voice were strange to me; I alternated
between tears and laughter, and I never spoke of the past except with
horror and disgust. Our room was full of personal effects scattered about
in disorder--albums, pictures, books, and the dear map we loved so much.
We went to and fro about the little apartment; at brief intervals I would
stop and kneel before Brigitte who would call me an idler, saying that
she had to do all the work, and that I was good for nothing; and all
sorts of projects flitted through our minds. Sicily was far away, but
the winters are so delightful there! Genoa is very pretty with its
painted houses, its green gardens, and the Apennines in the background!
But what noise! What crowds! Among every three men on the street, one
is a monk and another a soldier. Florence is sad, it is the Middle Ages
living in the midst of modern life. How can any one endure those grilled
windows and that horrible brown color with which all the houses are
tinted?
What could we do at Rome? We were not travelling in order to forget
ourselves, much less for the sake of instruction. To the Rhine? But the
season was over, and although we did not care for the world of fashion,
still it is sad to visit its haunts when it has fled. But Spain? Too
many restrictions there; one travels like an army on the march, and may
expect everything except repose. Switzerland? Too many people go there,
and most of them are deceived as to the nature of its attractions; but in
that land are unfolded the three most beautiful colors on God's earth:
the azure of the sky, the verdure of the plains, and the whiteness of the
snows on the summits of glaciers.
"Let us go, let us go!" cried Brigitte, "let us fly away like two birds.
Let us pretend, my dear Octave, that we met each other only yesterday.
You met me at a ball, I pleased you and I love you; you tell me that some
leagues distant, in a certain little town, you loved a certain Madame
Pierson; what passed between you and her I do not know. You will not
tell me the story of your love for another! And I will whisper to you
that not long since I loved a terrible fellow who made me very unhappy;
you will reprove me and close my mouth, and we will agree never to speak
of such things."
When Brigitte spoke thus I experienced a feeling that resembled avarice;
I caught her in my arms and cried:
"Oh, God! I know not whether it is with joy or with fear that I tremble.
I am about to carry off my treasure. Die, my youth; die, all memories of
the past; die, all cares and regrets! Oh, my, good, my brave Brigitte!
You have made a man out of a child. If I lose you now, I shall never
love again. Perhaps, before I knew you, another woman might have cured
me; but now you alone, of all the world, have power to destroy me or to
save me, for I bear in my heart the wound of all the evil I have done
you. I have been an ingrate, blind and cruel. God be praised! You love
me still. If you ever return to that home under whose lindens I first
met you, look carefully about that deserted house; you will find a
phantom there, for the man who left it, and went away with you, is not
the man who entered it."
"Is it true?" said Brigitte, and her face, all radiant with love, was
raised to heaven; "is it true that I am yours? Yes, far from this odious
world in which you have grown old before your time, yes, my child, you
shall really love. I shall have you as you are, and, wherever we go you
will make me forget the possibility of a day when you will no longer love
me. My mission will have been accomplished, and I shall always be
thankful for it."
Finally we decided to go to Geneva and then choose some resting place in
the Alps. Brigitte was enthusiastic about the lake; I thought I could
already breathe the air which floats over its surface, and the odor of
the verdure-clad valley; already I beheld Lausanne, Vevey, Oberland, and
in the distance the summits of Monte Rosa and the immense plain of
Lombardy. Already oblivion, repose, travel, all the delights of happy
solitude invited us; already, when in the evening with joined hands, we
looked at each other in silence, we felt rising within us that sentiment
of strange grandeur which takes possession of the heart on the eve of a
long journey, the mysterious and indescribable vertigo which has in it
something of the terrors of exile and the hopes of pilgrimage. Are there
not in the human mind wings that flutter and sonorous chords that
vibrate? How shall I describe it? Is there not a world of meaning in
the simple words: "All is ready, we are about to go"?
Suddenly Brigitte became languid; she bowed her head in silence. When I
asked her whether she was in pain, she said "No!" in a voice that was
scarcely audible; when I spoke of our departure, she arose, cold and
resigned, and continued her preparations; when I swore to her that she
was going to be happy, and that I would consecrate my life to her, she
shut herself up in her room and wept; when I kissed her she turned pale,
and averted her eyes as my lips approached hers; when I told her that
nothing had yet been done, that it was not too late to renounce our plans,
she frowned severely; when I begged her to open her heart to me and told
her I would die rather than cause her one regret, she threw her arms about
my neck, then stopped and repulsed me as if involuntarily. Finally,
I entered her room holding in my hand a ticket on which our places were
marked for the carriage to Besancon. I approached her and placed it in
her lap; she stretched out her hand, screamed, and fell unconscious at my
feet.
CHAPTER II
THE DEMON OF DOUBT
All my efforts to divine the cause of so unexpected a change were as vain
as the questions I had first asked. Brigitte was ill, and remained
obstinately silent. After an entire day passed in supplication and
conjecture, I went out without knowing where I was going. Passing the
Opera, I entered it from mere force of habit.
I could pay no attention to what was going on in the theatre, I was so
overwhelmed with grief, so stupefied, that I did not live, so to speak,
except in myself, and exterior objects made no impression on my senses.
All my powers were centred on a single thought, and the more I turned it
over in my head, the less clearly could I distinguish its meaning.
What obstacle was this that had so suddenly come between us and the
realization of our fondest hopes? If it was merely some ordinary event
or even an actual misfortune, such as an accident or the loss of a
friend, why that obstinate silence? After all that Brigitte had done,
when our dreams seemed about to be realized, what could be the nature of
a secret that destroyed our happiness and could not be confided to me?
What! to conceal it from me! And yet I could not find it in my heart to
suspect her. The appearance of suspicion revolted me and filled me with
horror. On the other hand, how could I conceive of inconstancy or of
caprice in that woman, as I knew her? I was lost in an abyss of doubt,
and I could not discover a gleam of light, the smallest point, on which
to base conjecture.
In front of me in the gallery sat a young man whose face was not unknown
to me. As often happens when one is preoccupied, I looked at him without
thinking of him as a personal identity or trying to fit a name on him.
Suddenly I recognized him: it was he who had brought letters to Brigitte
from N------. I arose and started to accost him without thinking what I
was doing. He occupied a place that I could not reach without disturbing
a large number of spectators, and I was forced to await the entr'acte.
My first thought was that if any one could enlighten me it was this young
man. He had had several interviews with Madame Pierson in the last few
days, and I recalled the fact that she was always much depressed after
his visits. He had seen her the morning of the day she was taken ill.
The letters he brought Brigitte had not been shown me; it was possible
that he knew the reason why our departure was delayed. Perhaps he did
not know all the circumstances, but he could doubtless enlighten me as to
the contents of those letters, and there was no reason why I should
hesitate to question him. When the curtain fell, I followed him to the
foyer; I do not know that he saw me coming, but he hastened away and
entered a box. I determined to wait until he should come out, and stood
looking at the box for fifteen minutes. At last he appeared. I bowed
and approached him. He hesitated a moment, then turned and disappeared
down a stairway.
My desire to speak to him had been too evident to admit of any other
explanation than deliberate intention on his part to avoid me. He surely
knew my face, and, whether he knew it or not, a man who sees another
approaching him ought, at least, to wait for him. We were the only
persons in the corridor at the time, and there could be no doubt he did
not wish to speak to me. I did not dream of such impertinent treatment
from a man whom I had cordially received at my apartments; why should he
insult me? He could have no other excuse than a desire to avoid an
awkward interview, during which questions might be asked which he did not
care to answer. But why? This second mystery troubled me almost as much
as the first. Although I tried to drive the thought from my head, that
young man's action in avoiding me seemed to have some connection with
Brigitte's obstinate silence.
Of all torments uncertainty is the most difficult to endure, and during
my life I have exposed myself to many dangers because I could not wait
patiently. When I returned to my apartments I found Brigitte reading
those same fateful letters from N------. I told her that I could not
remain longer in suspense, and that I wished to be relieved from it at
any cost; that I desired to know the cause of the sudden change which had
taken place in her, and that, if she refused to speak, I should look upon
her silence as a positive refusal to go abroad with me and an order for
me to leave her forever.
She reluctantly handed me the letters she was reading. Her relatives had
written her that her departure had disgraced them, that every one knew
the circumstances, and that they felt it their duty to warn her of the
consequences; that she was living openly as my mistress, and that,
although she was a widow and free to do as she chose, she ought to think
of the name she bore; that neither they nor her old friends would ever
see her again if she persisted in her course; finally, by all sorts of
threats and entreaties, they urged her to return.
The tone of the letter angered me, and at first I took it as an insult.
"And that young man who brings you these remonstrances," I cried,
"doubtless has orders to deliver them personally, and does not fail to do
his own part to the best of his ability. Am I not right?"
Brigitte's dejection made me reflect and calm my wrath.
"You will do as you wish, and achieve my ruin," she said. "My fate rests
with you; you have been for a long time my master. Avenge as you please
the last effort my old friends have made to recall me to reason, to the
world that I formerly respected, to the honor that I have lost. I have
not a word to say, and if you wish to dictate my reply, I will obey you."
"I care to know nothing," I replied, "but your intentions; it is for me
to comply with your wishes, and I assure you I am ready to do it. Tell
me, do you desire to remain, to go away, or shall I go alone?"
"Why that question?" asked Brigitte; "have I said that I had changed my
mind? I am suffering, and can not travel in my present condition, but
when I recover we will go to Geneva as we have planned."
We separated at these words, and the coldness with which she had
expressed her resolution saddened me more than usual. It was not the
first time our liaison had been threatened by her relatives; but up to
this time whatever letters Brigitte had received she had never taken them
so much to heart. How could I bring myself to believe that Brigitte had
been so affected by protests which in less happy moments had had no
effect on her? Could it be merely the weakness of a woman who recoils
from an act of final significance? "I will do as you please," she had
said. No, it does not please me to demand patience, and rather than look
at that sorrowful face even a week longer, unless she speaks I will set
out alone.
Fool that I was! Had I the strength to do it? I did not close my eyes
that night, and the next morning I resolved to call on that young man I
had seen at the opera. I do not know whether it was wrath or curiosity
that impelled me to this course, nor did I know just what I desired to
learn of him; but I reflected that he could not avoid me this time, and
that was all I desired.
As I did not know his address, I asked Brigitte for it, pretending that I
felt under an obligation to call on him after all the visits he had made
us; I had not said a word about my experience at the opera. Brigitte's
eyes betrayed signs of tears. When I entered her room she held out her
hand and said:
"What do you wish?"
Her voice was sad but tender. We exchanged a few kind words, and I set
out less unhappy.
The name of the young man I was going to see was Smith; he was living
near us. When I knocked at his door, I experienced a strange sensation
of uneasiness; I was dazed as though by a sudden flash of light. His
first gesture froze my blood. He was in bed, and with the same accent
Brigitte had employed, with a face as pale and haggard as hers, he held
out his hand and said:
"What do you wish?"
Say what you please, there are things in a man's life which reason can
not explain. I sat as still as if awakened from a dream, and began to
repeat his questions. Why, in fact, had I come to see him? How could I
tell him what had brought me there? Even if he had anything to tell me,
how did I know he would speak? He had brought letters from N------,
and knew those who had written them. But it cost me an effort to
question him, and I feared he would suspect what was in my mind. Our
first words were polite and insignificant. I thanked him for his
kindness in bringing letters to Madame Pierson; I told him that upon
leaving France we would ask him to do the same favor for us; and then we
were silent, surprised to find ourselves vis-a-vis.
I looked about me in embarrassment. His room was on the fourth floor;
everything indicated honest and industrious poverty. Some books, musical
instruments, papers, a table and a few chairs, that was all, but
everything was well cared for and presented an agreeable ensemble.
As for him, his frank and animated face predisposed me in his favor. On
the mantel I observed a picture of an old lady. I stepped up to look at
it, and he said it was his mother.
I then recalled that Brigitte had often spoken of him; she had known him
since childhood. Before I came to the country she used to see him
occasionally at N------, but at the time of her last visit there he was
away. It was, therefore, only by chance that I had learned some
particulars of his life, which now came to mind. He had an honest
employment that enabled him to support his mother and sister.
His treatment of these two women deserved the highest praise; he deprived
himself of everything for them, and although he possessed musical talents
that would have enabled him to make a fortune, the immediate needs of
those dependent on him, and an extreme reserve, had always led him to
prefer an assured income to the uncertain chances of success in larger
ventures.
In a word, he belonged to that small class who live quietly, and who are
worth more to the world than those who do not appreciate them. I had
learned of certain traits in his character which will serve to paint the
man he had fallen in love with a beautiful girl in the neighborhood, and,
after a year of devotion to her, had secured her parents' consent to
their union. She was as poor as he. The contract was ready to be
signed, the preparations for the wedding were complete, when his mother
said:
"And your sister? Who will marry her?"
That simple remark made him understand that if he married he would spend
all his money in the household expenses and his sister would have no
dowry. He broke off the engagement, bravely renouncing his happy
prospects; he then came to Paris.
When I heard that story I wished to see the hero. That simple,
unassuming act of devotion seemed to me more admirable than all the
glories of war.
The more I examined that young man, the less I felt inclined to broach
the subject nearest my heart. The idea which had first occurred to me,
that he would harm me in Brigitte's eyes, vanished at once. Gradually my
thoughts took another course; I looked at him attentively, and it seemed
to me that he was also examining me with curiosity.
We were both twenty-one years of age, but what a difference between us!
He, accustomed to an existence regulated by the graduated tick of the
clock; never having seen anything of life, except that part of it which
lies between an obscure room on the fourth floor and a dingy government
office; sending his mother all his savings, that farthing of human joy
which the hand of toil clasps so greedily; having no thought except for
the happiness of others, and that since his childhood, since he had been
a babe in arms! And I, during that precious time, so swift,
so inexorable, during the time that with him had been a round of toil,
what had I done? Was I a man? Which of us had lived?
What I have said in a page can be comprehended in a moment. He spoke to
me of our journey and the countries we were going to visit.
"When do you go?" he asked.
"I do not know; Madame Pierson is indisposed, and has been confined to
her bed for three days."
"For three days!" he repeated, in surprise.
"Yes; why are you astonished?"
He arose and threw himself on me, his arms extended, his eyes fixed. He
was trembling violently.
"Are you ill?" I asked, taking him by the hand. He pressed his hand to
his head and burst into tears. When he had recovered sufficiently to
speak, he said:
"Pardon me; be good enough to leave me. I fear I am not well; when I
have sufficiently recovered I will return your visit."
CHAPTER III
THE QUESTION OF SMITH
Brigitte was better. She had told me that she desired to go away as soon
as she was well enough to travel. But I insisted that she ought to rest
at least fifteen days before undertaking a long journey.
Whenever I attempted to persuade her to speak frankly, she assured me
that the letter was the only cause of her melancholy, and begged me to
say nothing more about it. Then I tried in vain to guess what was
passing in her heart. We went to the theatre every night in order to
avoid embarrassing interviews. There we sometimes pressed each other's
hands at some fine bit of acting or beautiful strain of music, or
exchanged, perhaps, a friendly glance, but going and returning we were
mute, absorbed in our thoughts.
Smith came almost every day. Although his presence in the house had been
the cause of all my sorrow, and although my visit to him had left
singular suspicions in my mind, still his apparent good faith and his
simplicity reassured me. I had spoken to him of the letters he had
brought, and he did not appear offended, but saddened. He was ignorant
of the contents, and his friendship for Brigitte led him to censure them
severely. He would have refused to carry them, he said, had he known
what they contained. On account of Brigitte's tone of reserve in his
presence, I did not think he was in her confidence.
I therefore welcomed him with pleasure, although there was always a sort
of awkward embarrassment in our meeting. He was asked to act as
intermediary between Brigitte and her relatives after our departure.
When we three were together he noticed a certain coldness and restraint
which he endeavored to banish by cheerful good-humor. If he spoke of our
liaison it was with respect and as a man who looks upon love as a sacred
bond; in fact, he was a kind friend, and inspired me with full
confidence.
But despite all this, despite all his efforts, he was sad, and I could
not get rid of strange thoughts that came to my mind. The tears I had
seen that young man shed, his illness coming on at the same time as
Brigitte's, I know not what melancholy sympathy I thought I discovered
between them, troubled and disquieted me. Not over a month ago I would
have become violently jealous; but now, of what could I suspect Brigitte?
Whatever the secret she was concealing from me, was she not going away
with me? Even were it possible that Smith could share some secret of
which I knew nothing, what could be the nature of the mystery? What was
there to be censured in their sadness and in their friendship?
She had known him as a child; she met him again after long years just
as she was about to leave France; she chanced to be in an unfortunate
situation, and fate decreed that he should be the instrument of adding
to her sorrow. Was it not natural that they should exchange sorrowful
glances, that the sight of this young man should awaken memories and
regrets? Could he, on the other hand, see her start off on a long
journey, proscribed and almost abandoned, without grave apprehensions?
I felt this that must be the explanation, and that it was my duty to
assure them that I was capable of protecting the one from all dangers,
and of requiting the other for the services he had rendered. And yet a
deadly chill oppressed me, and I could not determine what course to
pursue.
When Smith left us in the evening, we either were silent or talked of
him. I do not know what fatal attraction led me to ask about him
continually. She, however, told me just what I have told my reader;
Smith's life had never been other than it was now--poor, obscure, and
honest. I made her repeat the story of his life a number of times,
without knowing why I took such an interest in it.
There was in my heart a secret cause of sorrow which I would not confess.
If that young man had arrived at the time of our greatest happiness, had
he brought an insignificant letter to Brigitte, had he pressed her hand
while assisting her into the carriage, would I have paid the least
attention to it? Had he recognized me at the opera or had he not--had he
shed tears for some unknown reason, what would it matter so long as I was
happy? But while unable to divine the cause of Brigitte's sorrow, I saw
that my past conduct, whatever she might say of it, had something to do
with her present state. If I had been what I ought to have been for the
last six months that we had lived together, nothing in the world, I was
persuaded, could have troubled our love.
Smith was only an ordinary man, but he was good and devoted; his simple
and modest qualities resembled the large, pure lines which the eye seizes
at the first glance; one could know him in a quarter of an hour, and he
inspired confidence if not admiration. I could not help thinking that if
he were Brigitte's lover, she would cheerfully go with him to the ends of
the earth.
I had deferred our departure purposely, but now I began to regret it.
Brigitte, too, at times urged me to hasten the day.
"Why do you wait?" she asked. "Here I am recovered and everything is
ready."
Why did we wait, indeed? I do not know.
Seated near the fire, my eyes wandered from Smith to my loved one. I saw
that they were both pale, serious, silent. I did not know why, and I
could not help thinking that there was but one cause, or one secret to
learn. This was not one of those vague, sickly suspicions, such as had
formerly tormented me, but an instinct, persistent and fatal. What
strange creatures are we! It pleased me to leave them alone before the
fire, and to go out on the quay to dream, leaning on the parapet and
looking at the water. When they spoke of their life at N------, and when
Brigitte, almost cheerful, assumed a motherly air to recall some incident
of their childhood days, it seemed to me that I suffered, and yet took
pleasure in it. I asked questions; I spoke to Smith of his mother, of
his plans and his prospects; I gave him an opportunity to show himself in
a favorable light, and forced his modesty to reveal his merit.
"You love your sister very much, do you not?" I asked. "When do you
expect to marry her off?"
He blushed, and replied that his expenses were rather heavy and that it
would probably be within two years, perhaps sooner, if his health would
permit him to do some extra work which would bring in enough to provide
her dowry; that there was a well-to-do family in the country, whose
eldest son was her sweetheart; that they were almost agreed on it, and
that fortune would one day come, like sleep, without thinking of it; that
he had set aside for his sister a part of the money left by their father;
that their mother was opposed to it, but that he would insist on it; that
a young man can live from hand to mouth, but that the fate of a young
girl is fixed on the day of her marriage. Thus, little by little, he
expressed what was in his heart, and I watched Brigitte listening to him.
Then, when he arose to leave us, I accompanied him to the door, and stood
there, pensively listening to the sound of his footsteps on the stairs.
Upon examining our trunks we found that there were still a few things
needed before we could start; Smith was asked to purchase them. He was
remarkably active, and enjoyed attending to matters of this kind. When I
returned to my apartments, I found him on the floor, strapping a trunk.
Brigitte was at the piano we had rented by the week during our stay. She
was playing one of those old airs into which she put so much expression,
and which were so dear to us. I stopped in the hall; every note reached
my ear distinctly; never had she sung so sadly, so divinely.
Smith was listening with pleasure; he was on his knees holding the buckle
of the strap in his hands. He fastened it, then looked about the room at
the other goods he had packed and covered with a linen cloth. Satisfied
with his work, he still remained kneeling in the same spot; Brigitte, her
hands on the keys, was looking out at the horizon. For the second time I
saw tears fall from the young man's eyes; I was ready to shed tears
myself, and not knowing what was passing in me, I held out my hand to
him.
"Were you there?" asked Brigitte. She trembled and seemed surprised.
"Yes, I was there," I replied. "Sing, my dear, I beg of you. Let me
hear your sweet voice."
She continued her song without a word; she noticed my emotion as well as
Smith's; her voice faltered. With the last notes she arose, and came to
me and kissed me.
On another occasion I had brought an album containing views of
Switzerland. We were looking at them, all three of us, and when Brigitte
found a scene that pleased her, she would stop to examine it. There was
one view that seemed to attract her more than the others; it was a
certain spot in the canton of Vaud, some distance from Brigues; some
trees with cows grazing in the shade; in the distance a village
consisting of some dozen houses, scattered here and there. In the
foreground a young girl with a large straw hat, seated under a tree, and
a farmer's boy standing before her, apparently pointing out, with his
iron-tipped stick, the route over which he had come; he was directing her
attention to a winding path that led to the mountain. Above them were
the Alps, and the picture was crowned by three snow-capped summits.
Nothing could be more simple or more beautiful than this landscape. The
valley resembled a lake of verdure, and the eye followed its contour with
delight.
"Shall we go there?" I asked Brigitte. I took a pencil and traced some
figures on the picture.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I am trying to see if I can not change that face slightly and make it
resemble yours. The pretty hat would become you, and can I not, if I am
skilful, give that fine mountaineer some resemblance to me?"
The whim seemed to please her and she set about rubbing out the two
faces. When I had painted her portrait, she wished to try mine. The
faces were very small, hence not very difficult; it was agreed that the
likenesses were striking. While we were laughing at it, the door opened
and I was called away by the servant.
When I returned, Smith was leaning on the table and looking at the
picture with interest. He was absorbed in a profound revery, and was not
aware of my presence; I sat down near the fire, and it was not until I
spoke to Brigitte that he raised his head. He looked at us a moment,
then hastily took his leave and, as he approached the door, I saw him
strike his forehead with his hand.
When I saw these signs of grief, I said to myself "What does it mean?"
Then I clasped my hands to plead with--whom? I do not know; perhaps my
good angel, perhaps my evil fate.
CHAPTER IV
IN THE FURNACE
My heart yearned to set out and yet I delayed; some secret influence
rooted me to the spot.
When Smith came I knew no repose from the time he entered the room. How
is it that sometimes we seem to enjoy unhappiness?
One day a word, a flush, a glance, made me shudder; another day, another
glance, another word, threw me into uncertainty. Why were they both so
sad? Why was I as motionless as a statue where I had formerly been
violent? Every evening in bed I said to myself: "Let me see; let me
think that over." Then I would spring up, crying: "Impossible!" The
next day I did the same thing.
In Smith's presence, Brigitte treated me with more tenderness than when
we were alone. It happened one evening that some hard words escaped us;
when she heard his voice in the hall she came and sat on my knees.
As for him, it seemed to me he was always making an effort to control
himself. His gestures were carefully regulated; he spoke slowly and
prudently, so that his occasional moments of forgetfulness seemed all the
more striking.
Was it curiosity that tormented me? I remember that one day I saw a man
drowning near the Pont Royal. It was midsummer and we were rowing on the
river; some thirty boats were crowded together under the bridge, when
suddenly one of the occupants of a boat near mine threw up his hands and
fell overboard. We immediately began diving for him, but in vain; some
hours later the body was found under a raft.
I shall never forget my experience as I was diving for that man. I
opened my eyes under the water and searched painfully here and there in
the dark corners about the pier; then I returned to the surface for
breath, then resumed my horrible search. I was filled with hope and
terror; the thought that I might feel myself seized by convulsive arms
allured me, and at the same time thrilled me with horror; when I was
exhausted with fatigue, I climbed back into my boat.
Unless a man is brutalized by debauchery, eager curiosity is one of his
marked traits. I have already remarked that I felt it on the occasion of
my first visit to Desgenais. I will explain my meaning.
The truth, that skeleton of appearances, ordains that every man,
whatsoever he be, shall come, in his day and hour, to touch the bones
that lie forever at the bottom of some chance experience. It is called
"knowing the world," and experience is purchased at that price. Some
recoil in terror before that test; others, feeble and affrighted,
vacillate. like shadows. Some, the best perhaps, die at once. The
large number forget, and thus all float on to death.
But there are some men, who, at the fell stroke of chance, neither die
nor forget; when it comes their turn to touch misfortune, otherwise
called truth, they approach it with a firm step and outstretched hand,
and, horrible to say! they mistake love for the livid corpse they have
found at the bottom of the river. They seize it, feel it, clasp it in
their arms; they are drunk with the desire to know; they no longer look
with interest upon things, except to see them pass; they do nothing
except doubt and test; they ransack the world as though they were God's
spies; they sharpen their thoughts into arrows, and give birth to a
monster.
Roues, more than all others, are exposed to that fury, and the reason is
very simple: ordinary life is the limpid surface, that of the roue is the
rapid current swirling over and over, and at times touching the bottom.
Coming from a ball, for instance, where they have danced with a modest
girl, they seek the company of bad characters, and spend the night in
riotous feasting. The last words they addressed to a beautiful and
virtuous woman are still on their lips; they repeat them and burst into
laughter. Shall I say it? Do they not raise, for some pieces of silver,
the vesture of chastity, that robe so full of mystery, which respects the
being it embellishes and engirds her without touching? What idea can
they have of the world? They are like comedians in the greenroom.
Who, more than they, is skilled in that delving to the bottom of things,
in that groping at once profound and impious? See how they speak of
everything; always in terms the most barren, crude, and abject;
such words appear true to them; the rest is only parade, convention,
prejudice. Let them tell a story, let them recount some experience,
they will always use the same dirty and material expressions. They do
not say "That woman loved me;" they say: "I betrayed that woman;" they do
not say: "I love;" they say, "I desire;" they never say: "If God wills;"
they say: "If I will." I do not know what they think of themselves and
of such monologues as these.
Hence, of a necessity, either from idleness or curiosity, while they
strive to find evil in everything, they do not comprehend that others
still believe in the good. Therefore they have to be so nonchalant as to
stop their ears, lest the hum of the busy world should suddenly startle
them from sleep. The father allows his son to go where so many others
go, where Cato himself went; he says that youth is but fleeting.
But when he returns, the youth looks upon his sister; and see what has
taken place in him during an hour passed in the society of brutal
reality! He says to himself: "My sister is not like that creature I have
just left!" And from that day he is disturbed and uneasy.
Sinful curiosity is a vile malady born of impure contact. It is the
prowling instinct of phantoms who raise the lids of tombs; it is an
inexplicable torture with which God punishes those who have sinned;
they wish to believe that all sin as they have done, and would be
disappointed perhaps to find that it was not so. But they inquire,
they search, they dispute; they wag their heads from side to side as does
an architect who adjusts a column, and thus strive to find what they
desire to find. Given proof of evil, they laugh at it; doubtful of evil,
they swear that it exists; the good they refuse to recognize.
"Who knows?" Behold the grand formula, the first words that Satan spoke
when he saw heaven closing against him. Alas! for how many evils are
those words responsible? How many disasters and deaths, how many strokes
of fateful scythes in the ripening harvest of humanity! How many hearts,
how many families where there is naught but ruin, since that word was
first heard! "Who knows! Who knows!" Loathsome words! Rather than
pronounce them one should be as sheep who graze about the slaughter-house
and know it not. That is better than to be called a strong spirit, and
to read La Rochefoucauld.
What better illustration could I present than the one I have just given?
My mistress was ready to set out and I had but to say the word. Why did
I delay? What would have been the result if I had started at once on our
trip? Nothing but a moment of apprehension that would have been
forgotten after travelling three days. When with me, she had no thought
but of me; why should I care to solve a mystery that did not threaten my
happiness?
She would have consented, and that would have been the end of it. A kiss
on her lips and all would be well; instead of that, see what I did.
One evening when Smith had dined with us, I retired at an early hour and
left them together. As I closed my door I heard Brigitte order some tea.
In the morning I happened to approach her table, and, sitting beside the
teapot, I saw but one cup. No one had been in that room before me that
morning, so the servant could not have carried away anything that had
been used the night before. I searched everywhere for a second cup but
could find none.
"Did Smith stay late?" I asked of Brigitte.
"He left about midnight."
"Did you retire alone or did you call some one to assist you?"
"I retired alone; every one in the house was asleep."
I continued my search and my hands trembled. In what burlesque comedy is
there a jealous lover so stupid as to inquire what has become of a cup?
Why seek to discover whether Smith and Madame Pierson had drunk from the
same cup? What a brilliant idea that!
Nevertheless I found the cup and I burst into laughter, and threw it on
the floor with such violence that it broke into a thousand pieces.
I ground the pieces under my feet.
Brigitte looked at me without saying a word. During the two succeeding
days she treated me with a coldness that had something of contempt in it,
and I saw that she treated Smith with more deference and kindness than
usual. She called him Henri and smiled on him sweetly.
"I feel that the air would do me good," she said after dinner; "shall we
go to the opera, Octave? I would enjoy walking that far."
"No, I will stay here; go without me." She took Smith's arm and went
out. I remained alone all evening; I had paper before me, and was trying
to collect my thoughts in order to write, but in vain.
As a lonely lover draws from his bosom a letter from his mistress, and
loses himself in delightful revery, thus I shut myself up in solitude and
yielded to the sweet allurement of doubt. Before me were the two empty
seats which Brigitte and Smith had just occupied; I scrutinized them
anxiously as if they could tell me something. I revolved in my mind all
the things I had heard and seen; from time to time I went to the door and
cast my eyes over our trunks which had been piled against the wall for a
month; I opened them and examined the contents so carefully packed away
by those delicate little hands; I listened to the sound of passing
carriages; the slightest noise made me tremble. I spread out on the
table our map of Europe, and there, in the very presence of all my hopes,
in that room where I had conceived and had so nearly realized them, I
abandoned myself to the most frightful presentiments.
But, strange as it may seem, I felt neither anger nor jealousy, but a
terrible sense of sorrow and foreboding. I did not suspect, and yet I
doubted. The mind of man is so strangely formed that, with what he sees
and in spite of what he sees, he can conjure up a hundred objects of woe.
In truth his brain resembles the dungeons of the Inquisition, where the
walls are covered with so many instruments of torture that one is dazed,
and asks whether these horrible contrivances he sees before him are
pincers or playthings. Tell me, I say, what difference is there in
saying to my mistress: "All women deceive," or, "You deceive me?"
What passed through my mind was perhaps as subtle as the finest
sophistry; it was a sort of dialogue between the mind and the conscience.
"If I should lose Brigitte?" I said to the mind." She departs with
you," said the conscience." If she deceives me?"--"How can she deceive
you? Has she not made out her will asking for prayers for you?"--"If
Smith loves her?"--"Fool! What does it matter so long as you know that
she loves you?"--"If she loves me why is she sad?"--"That is her secret,
respect it."--"If I take her away with me, will she be happy?"--"Love her
and she will be."--" Why, when that man looks at her, does she seem to
fear to meet his glance?"--" Because she is a woman and he is young."--
"Why does that young man turn pale when she looks at him?"--"Because he
is a man and she is beautiful."--"Why, when I went to see him did he
throw himself into my arms, and why did he weep and beat his head with
his hands?"--"Do not seek to know what you must remain ignorant of."--
"Why can I not know these things?"--" Because you are miserable and weak,
and all mystery is of God."
"But why is it that I suffer? Why is it that my soul recoils in terror?"
--"Think of your father and do good."--"But why am I unable to do as he
did? Why does evil attract me to itself?"--"Get down on your knees and
confess; if you believe in evil it is because your ways have been evil."
--"If my ways were evil, was it my fault? Why did the good betray me?"--
"Because you are in the shadow, would you deny the existence of light?
If there are traitors, why are you one of them?"--"Because I am afraid of
becoming the dupe."--"Why do you spend your nights in watching? Why are
you alone now?"--"Because I think, I doubt, and I fear."--"When will you
offer your prayer?"--"When I believe. Why have they lied to me?"--
"Why do you lie, coward! at this very moment? Why not die if you can not
suffer?"
Thus spoke and groaned within me two voices, voices that were defiant and
terrible; and then a third voice cried out! "Alas! Alas! my innocence!
Alas! Alas! the days that were!"
CHAPTER V
TRUTH AT LAST
What a frightful weapon is human thought! It is our defense and our
safeguard, the most precious gift that God has made us. It is ours and
it obeys us; we may launch it forth into space, but, once outside of our
feeble brains, it is gone; we can no longer control it.
While I was deferring the time of our departure from day to day I was
gradually losing strength, and, although I did not perceive it, my vital
forces were slowly wasting away. When I sat at table I experienced a
violent distaste for food; at night two pale faces, those of Brigitte and
Smith, pursued me through frightful dreams. When they went to the
theatre in the evening I refused to go with them; then I went alone,
concealed myself in the parquet, and watched them. I pretended that I
had some business to attend to in a neighboring room and sat there an
hour and listened to them. The idea occurred to me to seek a quarrel
with Smith and force him to fight with me; I turned my back on him while
he was talking; then he came to me with a look of surprise on his face,
holding out his hand. When I was alone in the night and every one slept,
I felt a strong desire to go to Brigitte's desk and take from it her
papers. On one occasion I was obliged to go out of the house in order to
resist the temptation. One day I felt like arming myself with a knife
and threatening to kill them if they did not tell me why they were so
sad; another day I turned all this fury against myself. With what shame
do I write it! And if any one should ask me why I acted thus, I could
not reply.
To see, to doubt, to search, to torture myself and make myself miserable,
to pass entire days with my ear at the keyhole, and the night in a flood
of tears, to repeat over and over that I should die of sorrow, to feel
isolation and feebleness uprooting hope in my heart, to imagine that I
was spying when I was only listening to the feverish beating of my own
pulse; to con over stupid phrases, such as: "Life is a dream, there is
nothing stable here below;" to curse and blaspheme God through misery and
through caprice: that was my joy, the precious occupation for which I
renounced love, the air of heaven, and liberty!
Eternal God, liberty! Yes, there were certain moments when, in spite of
all, I still thought of it. In the midst of my madness, eccentricity,
and stupidity, there were within me certain impulses that at times
brought me to myself. It was a breath of air which struck my face as I
came from my dungeon; it was a page of a book I read when, in my bitter
days, I happened to read something besides those modern sycophants called
pamphleteers, who, out of regard for the public health, ought to be
prevented from indulging in their crude philosophizings. Since I have
referred to these good moments, let me mention one of them, they were so
rare. One evening I was reading the Memoirs of Constant; I came to the
following lines:
"Salsdorf, a Saxon surgeon attached to Prince Christian, had his leg
broken by a shell in the battle of Wagram. He lay almost lifeless on the
dusty field. Fifteen paces distant, Amedee of Kerbourg, aide-de-camp (I
have forgotten to whom), wounded in the breast by a bullet, fell to the
ground vomiting blood. Salsdorf saw that if that young man was not cared
for he would die of suffusion; summoning all his powers, he painfully
dragged himself to the side of the wounded man, attended to him and saved
his life. Salsdorf himself died four days later from the effects of
amputation."
When I read these words I threw down my book, and melted into tears.
I do not regret those tears, for they were such as I could shed only when
my heart was right; I do not speak merely of Salsdorf, and do not care
for that particular instance. I am sure, however, that I did not suspect
any one that day. Poor dreamer! Ought I to remember that I have been
other than I am? What good will it do me as I stretch out my arms in
anguish to heaven and wait for the bolt that will deliver me forever?
Alas! it was only a gleam that flashed across the night of my life.
Like those dervish fanatics who find ecstasy in vertigo, so thought,
turning on itself, exhausted by the stress of introspection and tired of
vain effort, falls terror-stricken. So it would seem that man must be a
void and that by dint of delving unto himself he reaches the last turn of
a spiral. There, as on the summits of mountains and at the bottom of
mines, air fails, and God forbids man to go farther. Then, struck with a
mortal chill, the heart, as if impaired by oblivion, seeks to escape into
a new birth; it demands life of that which environs it, it eagerly drinks
in the air; but it finds round about only its own chimeras, which have
exhausted its failing powers and which, self-created, surround it like
pitiless spectres.
This could not last long. Tired of uncertainty, I resolved to resort to
a test that would discover the truth.
I ordered post-horses for ten in the evening. We had hired a caleche and
I gave directions that all should be ready at the hour indicated. At the
same time I asked that nothing be said to Madame Pierson. Smith came to
dinner; at the table I affected unusual cheerfulness, and without a word
about my plans, I turned the conversation to our journey. I would
renounce all idea of going away, I said, if I thought Brigitte did not
care to go; I was so well satisfied with Paris that I asked nothing
better than to remain as long as she pleased. I made much of all the
pleasures of the city; I spoke of the balls, the theatres, of the many
opportunities for diversion on every hand. In short, since we were happy
I did not see why we should make a change; and I did not think of going
away at present.
I was expecting her to insist that we carry out our plan of going to
Geneva, and was not disappointed. However, she insisted but feebly; but,
after a few words, I pretended to yield, and then changing the subject I
spoke of other things, as though it was all settled.
"And why will not Smith go with us?" I asked. "It is very true that he
has duties here, but can he not obtain leave of absence? Moreover, will
not the talents he possesses and which he is unwilling to use, assure him
an honorable living anywhere? Let him come along with us; the carriage
is large and we offer him a place in it. A young man should see the
world, and there is nothing so irksome for a man of his age as
confinement in an office and restriction to a narrow circle. Is it not
true?" I asked, turning to Brigitte. "Come, my dear, let your wiles
obtain from him what he might refuse me; urge him to give us six weeks of
his time. We will travel together, and after a tour of Switzerland he
will return to his duties with new life."
Brigitte joined her entreaties to mine, although she knew it was only a
joke on my part. Smith could not leave Paris without danger of losing
his position, and replied that he regretted being obliged to deny himself
the pleasure of accompanying us. Nevertheless I continued to press him,
and, ordering another bottle of wine, I repeated my invitation. After
dinner I went out to assure myself that my orders were carried out; then
I returned in high spirits, and seating myself at the piano I proposed
some music.
"Let us pass the evening here," I said; "believe me, it is better than
going to the theatre; I can not take part myself, but I can listen. We
will make Smith play if he tires of our company, and the time will pass
pleasantly."
Brigitte consented with good grace and began singing for us; Smith
accompanied her on the violoncello. The materials for a bowl of punch
were brought and the flame of burning rum soon cheered us with varied
lights. The piano was abandoned for the table; then we had cards;
everything passed off as I wished and we succeeded in diverting ourselves
to my heart's content.
I had my eyes fixed on the clock and waited impatiently for the hands to
mark the hour of ten. I was tormented with anxiety, but allowed them to
see nothing. Finally the hour arrived; I heard the postilion's whip as
the horses entered the court. Brigitte was seated near me; I took her by
the hand and asked her if she was ready to depart. She looked at me with
surprise, doubtless wondering if I was not joking. I told her that at
dinner she had appeared so anxious to go that I had felt justified in
sending for the horses, and that I went out for that purpose when I left
the table.
"Are you serious?" asked Brigitte; "do you wish to set out to-night?"
"Why not?" I replied, "since we have agreed that we ought to leave
Paris?"
"What! now? At this very moment?"
"Certainly; have we not been ready for a month? You see there is nothing
to do but load our trunks on the carriage; as we have decided to go,
ought we not go at once? I believe it is better to go now and put off
nothing until tomorrow. You are in the humor to travel to-night and I
hasten to profit by it. Why wait longer and continue to put it off? I
can not endure this life. You wish to go, do you not? Very well, let us
go and be done with it."
Profound silence ensued. Brigitte stepped to the window and satisfied
herself that the carriage was there. Moreover, the tone in which I spoke
would admit of no doubt, and, however hasty my action may appear to her,
it was due to her own expressed desire. She could not deny her own
words, nor find any pretext for further delay. Her decision was made
promptly; she asked a few questions as though to assure herself that all
the preparations had been made; seeing that nothing had been omitted, she
began to search here and there. She found her hat and shawl, then
continued her search.
"I am ready," she said; "shall we go? We are really going?"
She took a light, went to my room, to her own, opened lockers and
closets. She asked for the key to her secretary which she said she had
lost. Where could that key be? She had it in her possession not an hour
ago.
"Come, come! I am ready," she repeated in extreme agitation; "let us go,
Octave, let us set out at once."
While speaking she continued her search and then came and sat down near
us.
I was seated on the sofa watching Smith, who stood before me. He had not
changed countenance and seemed neither troubled nor surprised; but two
drops of sweat trickled down his forehead, and I heard an ivory counter
crack between his fingers, the pieces falling to the floor. He held out
both hands to us.
"Bon voyage, my friends!" he said.
Again silence; I was still watching him, waiting for him to add a word.
"If there is some secret here," thought I, "when shall I learn it, if not
now? It must be on the lips of both of them. Let it but come out into
the light and I will seize it."
"My dear Octave," said Brigitte, "where are we to stop? You will write
to us, Henri, will you not? You will not forget my relatives and will do
what you can for me?" He replied in a voice that trembled slightly that
he would do all in his power to serve her.
"I can answer for nothing," he said, "and, judging from the letters you
have received, there is not much hope. But it will not be my fault if I
do not send you good news. Count on me, I am devoted to you."
After a few more kind words he made ready to take his departure. I arose
and left the room before him; I wished to leave them together a moment
for the last time and, as soon as I had closed the door behind me, in a
perfect rage of jealousy, I pressed my ear to the keyhole.
"When shall I see you again?" he asked.
"Never," replied Brigitte; "adieu, Henri." She held out her hand. He
bent over it, pressed it to his lips and I had barely time to slip into a
corner as he passed out without seeing me.
Alone with Brigitte, my heart sank within me. She was waiting for me,
her shawl on her arm, and emotion plainly marked on her face. She had
found the key she had been looking for and her desk was open. I returned
and sat down near the fire. "Listen to me," I said, without daring to
look at her; "I have been so culpable in my treatment of you that I ought
to wait and suffer without a word of complaint. The change which has
taken place in you has thrown me into such despair that I have not been
able to refrain from asking you the cause; but to-day I ask nothing more.
Does it cost you an effort to depart? Tell me, and if so I am resigned."
"Let us go, let us go!" she replied.
"As you please, but be frank; whatever blow I may receive, I ought not to
ask whence it comes; I should submit without a murmur. But if I lose
you, do not speak to me of hope, for God knows I will not survive the
loss."
She turned on me like a flash.
"Speak to me of your love," she said, "not of your grief."
"Very well, I love you more than life. Beside my love, my grief is but a
dream. Come with me to the end of the world, I will die or I will live
with you."
With these words I advanced toward her; she turned pale and recoiled.
She made a vain effort to force a smile on her contracted lips, and
sitting down before her desk she said:
"One moment; I have some papers here I want to burn."
She showed me the letters from N------, tore them up and threw them into
the fire; she then took out other papers which she reread and then spread
out on the table. They were bills of purchases she had made and some of
them were still unpaid. While examining them she began to talk rapidly,
while her cheeks burned as if with fever. Then she begged my pardon for
her obstinate silence and her conduct since our arrival.
She gave evidence of more tenderness, more confidence than ever. She
clapped her hands gleefully at the prospect of a happy journey; in short,
she was all love, or at least apparently all love. I can not tell how I
suffered at the sight of that factitious joy; there was in that grief
which crazed her something more sad than tears and more bitter than
reproaches. I would have preferred to have her cold and indifferent
rather than thus excited; it seemed to me a parody of our happiest
moments. There were the same words, the same woman, the same caresses;
and that which, fifteen days before would have intoxicated me with love
and happiness, repeated thus, filled me with horror.
"Brigitte," I suddenly inquired, "what secret are you concealing from me?
If you love me, what horrible comedy is this you are enacting before me?"
"I!" said she, almost offended. "What makes you think I am acting?"
"What makes me think so? Tell me, my dear, that you have death in your
soul and that you are suffering martyrdom. Behold my arms are ready to
receive you; lean your head on me and weep. Then I will take you away,
perhaps; but in truth, not thus."
"Let us go, let us go!" she again repeated.
"No, on my soul! No, not at present; no, not while there is between us a
lie or a mask. I like unhappiness better than such cheerfulness as
yours."
She was silent, astonished to see that I had not been deceived by her
words and manner and that I saw through them both.
"Why should we delude ourselves?" I continued.
"Have I fallen so low in your esteem that you can dissimulate before me?
That unfortunate journey, you think you are condemned to it, do you?
Am I a tyrant, an absolute master? Am I an executioner who drags you to
punishment? How much do you fear my wrath when you come before me with
such mimicry? What terror impels you to lie thus?"
"You are wrong," she replied; "I beg of you, not a word more."
"Why so little sincerity? If I am not your confidant, may I not at least
be your friend? If I am denied all knowledge of the source of your
tears, may I not at least see them flow? Have you not enough confidence
in me to believe that I will respect your sorrow? What have I done that
I should be ignorant of it? Might not the remedy lie right there?"
"No," she replied, "you are wrong; you will achieve your own unhappiness
as well as mine if you press me farther. Is it not enough that we are
going away?"
"And do you expect me to drag you away against your will? Is it not
evident that you have consented reluctantly, and that you already begin
to repent? Great God! What is it you are concealing from me? What is
the use of playing with words when your thoughts are as clear as that
glass before which you stand? Should I not be the meanest of men to
accept at your hands what is yielded with so much regret? And yet how
can I refuse it? What can I do if you refuse to speak?"
"No, I do not oppose you, you are mistaken; I love you, Octave; cease
tormenting me thus."
She threw so much tenderness into these words that I fell down on my
knees before her. Who could resist her glance and her voice?
"My God!" I cried, "you love me, Brigitte? My dear mistress, you love
me?"
"Yes, I love you; yes. I belong to you; do with me what you will.
I will follow you, let us go away together; come, Octave, the carriage is
waiting."
She pressed my hand in hers, and kissed my forehead.
"Yes, it must be," she murmured, "it must be."
"It must be," I repeated to myself. I arose.
On the table there remained only one piece of paper that Brigitte was
examining. She picked it up, then allowed it to drop to the floor.
"Is that all?" I asked.
"Yes, that is all."
When I ordered the horses I had no idea that we would really go, I wished
merely to make a trial, but circumstances bid fair to force me to carry
my plans farther than I at first intended. I opened the door.
"It must be!" I said to myself. "It must be!" I repeated aloud.
"What do you mean by that, Brigitte? What is there in those words that I
do not understand? Explain yourself, or I will not go. Why must you
love me?"
She fell on the sofa and wrung her hands in grief.
"Ah! Unhappy man!" she cried, "you will never know how to love!"
"Yes, I think you are right, but, before God, I know how to suffer. You
must love me, must you not? Very well, then you must answer me. Were I
to lose you forever, were these walls to crumble over my head, I will not
leave this spot until I have solved the mystery that has been torturing
me for more than a month. Speak, or I will leave you. I may be a fool
who destroys his own happiness; I may be demanding something that is not
for me to possess; it may be that an explanation will separate us and
raise before me an insurmountable barrier, which will render our tour, on
which I have set my heart, impossible; whatever it may cost you and me,
you shall speak or I will renounce everything."
"No, I will not speak."
"You will speak! Do you fondly imagine I am the dupe of your lies? When
I see you change between morning and evening until you differ more from
your natural self than does night from day, do you think I am deceived?
When you give me as a cause some letters that are not worth the trouble
of reading, do you imagine that I am to be put off with the first pretext
that comes to hand because you do not choose to seek another? Is your
face made of plaster, that it is difficult to see what is passing in your
heart? What is your opinion of me? I do not deceive myself as much as
you suppose, and take care lest in default of words your silence
discloses what you so obstinately conceal."
"What do you imagine I am concealing?"
"What do I imagine? You ask me that! Is it to brave me you ask such a
question! Do you think to make me desperate and thus get rid of me?
Yes, I admit it, offended pride is capable of driving me to extremes.
If I should explain myself freely, you would have at your service all
feminine hypocrisy; you hope that I will accuse you, so that you can
reply that such a woman as you does not stoop to justify herself. How
skilfully the most guilty and treacherous of your sex contrive to use
proud disdain as a shield! Your great weapon is silence; I did not learn
that yesterday. You wish to be insulted and you hold your tongue until
it comes to that. Come, struggle against my heart--where yours beats you
will find it; but do not struggle against my head, it is harder than
iron, and it has served me as long as yours!"
"Poor boy!" murmured Brigitte; "you do not want to go?"
"No, I shall not go except with my beloved, and you are not that now.
I have struggled, I have suffered, I have eaten my own heart long enough.
It is time for day to break, I have loved long enough in the night. Yes
or no, will you answer me?"
"No."
"As you please; I will wait."
I sat down on the other side of the room, determined not to rise until I
had learned what I wished to know. She appeared to be reflecting, and
walked back and forth before me.
I followed her with an eager eye, while her silence gradually increased
my anger. I was unwilling to have her perceive it and was undecided what
to do. I opened the window.
"You may drive off," I called to those below, "and I will see that you
are paid. I shall not start to-night."
"Poor boy!" repeated Brigitte. I quietly closed the window and sat down
as if I had not heard her; but I was so furious with rage that I could
hardly restrain myself. That cold silence, that negative force,
exasperated me to the last point. Had I been really deceived and
convinced of the guilt of a woman I loved I could not have suffered more.
As I had condemned myself to remain in Paris, I reflected that I must
compel Brigitte to speak at any price. In vain I tried to think of some
means of forcing her to enlighten me; for such power I would have given
all I possessed. What could I do or say? She sat there calm and
unruffled, looking at me with sadness. I heard the sound of the horses'
hoofs on the paving as the carriage drew out of the court. I had merely
to turn my hand to call them back, but it seemed to me that there was
something irrevocable about their departure. I slipped the bolt on the
door; something whispered in my ear: "You are face to face with the woman
who must give you life or death."
While thus buried in thought I tried to invent some expedient that would
lead to the truth. I recalled one of Diderot's romances in which a
woman, jealous of her lover, resorted to a novel plan, for the purpose of
clearing away her doubts. She told him that she no longer loved him and
that she wished to leave him. The Marquis des Arcis (the name of the
lover) falls into the trap, and confesses that he himself has tired of
the liaison. That piece of strategy, which I had read at too early an
age, had struck me as being very skilful, and the recollection of it at
this moment made me smile. "Who knows?" said I to myself. "If I should
try this with Brigitte, she might be deceived and tell me her secret."
My anger had become furious when the idea of resorting to such trickery
occurred to me. Was it so difficult to make a woman speak in spite of
herself? This woman was my mistress; I must be very weak if I could not
gain my point. I turned over on the sofa with an air of indifference.
"Very well, my dear," said I, gayly, "this is not a time for confidences,
then?"
She looked at me in astonishment.
"And yet," I continued, "we must some day come to the truth. Now I
believe it would be well to begin at once; that will make you confiding,
and there is nothing like an understanding between friends."
Doubtless my face betrayed me as I spoke these words; Brigitte did not
appear to understand and kept on walking up and down.
"Do you know," I resumed, "that we have been together now six months?
The life we are leading together is not one to be laughed at. You are
young, I also; if this kind of life should become distasteful to you, are
you the woman to tell me of it? In truth, if it were so, I would confess
it to you frankly. And why not? Is it a crime to love? If not, it is
not a crime to love less or to cease to love at all. Would it be
astonishing if at our age we should feel the need of change?"
She stopped me.
"At our age!" said she. "Are you addressing me? What comedy are you
now playing, yourself?"
Blood mounted to my face. I seized her hand. "Sit down here," I said,
"and listen to me."
"What is the use? It is not you who speak."
I felt ashamed of my own strategy and abandoned it.
"Listen to me," I repeated, "and come, I beg of you, sit down near me.
If you wish to remain silent yourself, at least hear what I have to say."
"I am listening, what have you to say to me?"
"If some one should say to me: 'You are a coward!' I, who am twenty-two
years of age and have fought on the field of honor, would throw the taunt
back in the teeth of my accuser. Have I not within me the consciousness
of what I am? It would be necessary for me to meet my accuser on the
field, and play my life against his; why? In order to prove that I am
not a coward; otherwise the world would believe it. That single word
demands that reply every time it is spoken, and it matters not by whom."
"It is true; what is your meaning?"
"Women do not fight; but as society is constituted there is no being, of
whatever sex, who ought to submit to the indignity involved in an
aspersion on all his or her past life, be that life regulated as by a
pendulum. Reflect; who escapes that law? There are some, I admit; but
what happens? If it is a man, dishonor; if it is a woman, what?
Forgiveness? Every one who loves ought to give some evidence of life,
some proof of existence. There is, then, for woman as well as for man,
a time when an attack must be resented. If she is brave, she rises,
announces that she is present and sits down again. A stroke of the sword
is not for her. She must not only avenge herself, but she must forge her
own arms. Someone suspects her; who? An outsider? She may hold him in
contempt--her lover whom she loves? If so, it is her life that is in
question, and she may not despise him."
"Her only recourse is silence."
"You are wrong; the lover who suspects her casts an aspersion on her
entire life. I know it. Her plea is in her tears, her past life, her
devotion and her patience. What will happen if she remains silent? Her
lover will lose her by her own act and time will justify her. Is not
that your thought?"
"Perhaps; silence before all."
"Perhaps, you say? Assuredly I will lose you if you do not speak; my
resolution is made: I am going away alone."
"But, Octave--"
"But," I cried, "time will justify you! Let us put an end to it; yes or
no?"
"Yes, I hope so."
"You hope so! Will you answer me definitely? This is doubtless the last
time you will have the opportunity. You tell me that you love me, and I
believe it. I suspect you; is it your intention to allow me to go away
and rely on time to justify you?"
"Of what do you suspect me?"
"I do not choose to say, for I see that it would be useless. But, after
all, misery for misery, at your leisure; I am as well pleased. You
deceive me, you love another; that is your secret and mine."
"Who is it?" she asked.
"Smith."
She placed her hand on her lips and turned aside. I could say no more;
we were both pensive, our eyes fixed on the floor.
"Listen to me," she began with an effort, "I have suffered much. I call
heaven to bear me witness that I would give my life for you. So long as
the faintest gleam of hope remains, I am ready to suffer anything; but,
although I may rouse your anger in saying to you that I am a woman, I am
nevertheless a woman, my friend. We can not go beyond the limits of
human endurance. Beyond a certain point I will not answer for the
consequences. All I can do at this moment is to get down on my knees
before you and beseech you not to go away."
She knelt down as she spoke. I arose.
"Fool that I am!" I muttered, bitterly; "fool, to try to get the truth
from a woman! He who undertakes such a task will earn naught but
derision and will deserve it! Truth! Only he who consorts with
chambermaids knows it, only he who steals to their pillow and listens to
the unconscious utterance of a dream, hears it. He alone knows it who
makes a woman of himself, and initiates himself into the secrets of her
cult of inconstancy! But man, who asks for it openly, he who opens a
loyal hand to receive that frightful alms, he will never obtain it!
They are on guard with him; for reply he receives a shrug of the
shoulders, and, if he rouses himself in his impatience, they rise in
righteous indignation like an outraged vestal, while there falls from
their lips the great feminine oracle that suspicion destroys love, and
they refuse to pardon an accusation which they are unable to meet. Ah!
just God! How weary I am! When will all this cease?"
"Whenever you please," said she, coldly; "I am as tired of it as you."
"At this very moment; I leave you forever, and may time justify you!
Time! Time! Oh! what a cold lover! Remember this adieu. Time! and
thy beauty, and thy love, and thy happiness, where will they be? Is it
thus, without regret, you allow me to go? Ah! the day when the jealous
lover will know that he has been unjust, the day when he shall see
proofs, he will understand what a heart he has wounded, is it not so? He
will bewail his shame, he will know neither joy nor sleep; he will live
only in the memory of the time when he might have been happy. But, on
that day, his proud mistress will turn pale as she sees herself avenged;
she will say to herself: 'If I had only done it sooner!' And believe me,
if she loves him, pride will not console her."
I tried to be calm, but I was no longer master of myself, and I began to
pace the floor as she had done. There are certain glances that resemble
the clashing of drawn swords; such glances Brigitte and I exchanged at
that moment. I looked at her as the prisoner looks on her at the door of
his dungeon. In order to break her sealed lips and force her to speak I
would give my life and hers.
"What do you mean?" she asked. "What do you wish me to tell you?"
"What you have on your heart. Are you cruel enough to make me repeat
it?"
"And you, you," she cried, "are you not a hundred times more cruel? Ah!
fool, as you say, who would know the truth! Fool that I should be if I
expected you to believe it! You would know my secret, and my secret is
that I love you. Fool that I am! you will seek another. That pallor of
which you are the cause, you accuse it, you question it. Like a fool,
I have tried to suffer in silence, to consecrate to you my resignation;
I have tried to conceal my tears; you have played the spy, and you have
counted them as witnesses against me. Fool that I am! I have thought of
crossing seas, of exiling myself from France with you, of dying far from
all who have loved me, leaning for sole support on a heart that doubts
me. Fool that I am! I thought that truth had a glance, an accent, that
could not be mistaken, that would be respected! Ah! when I think of it,
tears choke me. Why, if it must ever be thus, induce me to take a step
that will forever destroy my peace? My head is confused, I do not know
where I am!"
She leaned on me weeping. "Fool! Fool!" she repeated, in a heartrending
voice.
"And what is it you ask?" she continued, "what can I do to meet those
suspicions that are ever born anew, that alter with your moods? I must
justify myself, you say! For what? For loving, for dying, for
despairing? And if I assume a forced cheerfulness, even that
cheerfulness offends you. I sacrifice everything to follow you and you
have not gone a league before you look back. Always, everywhere,
whatever I may do, insults and anger!"
"Ah! dear child, if you knew what a mortal chill comes over me, what
suffering I endure in seeing my simplest words this taken up and hurled
back at me with suspicion and sarcasm! By that course you deprive
yourself of the only happiness there is in the world--perfect love. You
kill all delicate and lofty sentiment in the hearts of those who love
you; soon you will believe in nothing except the material and the gross;
of love there will remain for you only that which is visible and can be
touched with the finger. You are young, Octave, and you have still a
long life before you; you will have other mistresses. Yes, as you say,
pride is a little thing and it is not to it I look for consolation; but
God wills that your tears shall one day pay me for those which I now shed
for you!"
She arose.
"Must it be said? Must you know that for six months I have not sought
repose without repeating to myself that it was all in vain, that you
would never be cured; that I have never risen in the morning without
saying that another effort must be made; that after every word you have
spoken I have felt that I ought to leave you, and that you have not given
me a caress that I would rather die than endure; that, day by day, minute
by minute, hesitating between hope and fear, I have vainly tried to
conquer either my love or my grief; that, when I opened my heart to you,
you pierced it with a mocking glance, and that, when I closed it, it
seemed to me I felt within it a treasure that none but you could
dispense? Shall I speak of all the frailty and all the mysteries which
seem puerile to those who do not respect them? Shall I tell you that
when you left me in anger I shut myself up to read your first letters;
that there is a favorite waltz that I never played in vain when I felt
too keenly the suffering caused by your presence? Ah! wretch that I am!
How dearly all these unnumbered tears, all these follies, so sweet to the
feeble, are purchased! Weep now; not even this punishment, this sorrow,
will avail you."
I tried to interrupt her.
"Allow me to continue," she said; "the time has come when I must speak.
Let us see, why do you doubt me? For six months, in thought, in body,
and in soul, I have belonged to no one but you. Of what do you dare
suspect me? Do you wish to set out for Switzerland? I am ready, as you
see. Do you think you have a rival? Send him a letter that I will sign
and you will direct. What are we doing? Where are we going? Let us
decide. Are we not always together? Very well then, why would you leave
me? I can not be near you and separated from you at the same moment. It
is necessary to have confidence in those we love. Love is either good or
bad: if good, we must believe in it; if evil, we must cure ourselves of
it. All this, you see, is a game we are playing; but our hearts and our
lives are the stakes, and it is horrible! Do you wish to die? That
would perhaps be better. Who am I that you should doubt me?"
She stopped before the glass.
"Who am I?" she repeated, "who am I? Think of it. Look at this face of
mine."
"Doubt thee!" she cried, addressing her own image; "poor, pale face,
thou art suspected! poor, thin cheeks, poor, tired eyes, thou and thy
tears are in disgrace. Very well, put an end to thy suffering; let those
kisses that have wasted thee close thy lids! Descend into the cold
earth, poor trembling body that can no longer support its own weight.
When thou art there, perchance thou wilt be believed, if doubt believes
in death. O sorrowful spectre! On the banks of what stream wilt thou
wander and groan? What fires devour thee? Thou dreamest of a long
journey and thou hast one foot in the grave!
"Die! God is thy witness that thou hast tried to love. Ah! what wealth
of love has been awakened in thy heart! Ah! what dreams thou hast had,
what poisons thou hast drunk! What evil hast thou committed that there
should be placed in thy breast a fever that consumes! What fury animates
that blind creature who pushes thee into the grave with his foot, while
his lips speak to thee of love? What will become of you if you live?
Is it not time to end it all? Is it not enough? What proof canst thou
give that will satisfy when thou, poor, living proof, art not believed?
To what torture canst thou submit that thou hast not already endured?
By what torments, what sacrifices, wilt thou appease insatiable love?
Thou wilt be only an object of ridicule, a thing to excite laughter;
thou wilt vainly seek a deserted street to avoid the finger of scorn.
Thou wilt lose all shame and even that appearance of virtue which has
been so dear to you; and the man for whom you have disgraced yourself
will be the first to punish you. He will reproach you for living for him
alone, for braving the world for him, and while your friends are
whispering about you, he will listen to assure himself that no word of
pity is spoken; he will accuse you of deceiving him if another hand even
then presses yours, and if, in the desert of life, you find some one who
can spare you a word of pity in passing.
"O God! dost thou remember a day when a wreath of roses was placed on my
head? Was it this brow on which that crown rested? Ah! the hand that
hung it on the wall of the oratory has now fallen, like it, to dust!
Oh, my native valley! Oh, my old aunt, who now sleeps in peace! Oh, my
lindens, my little white goat, my dear peasants who loved me so much!
You remember when I was happy, proud, and respected? Who threw in my
path that stranger who took me away from all this? Who gave him the
right to enter my life? Ah! wretch! why didst thou turn the first day he
followed you? Why didst thou receive him as a brother? Why didst thou
open thy door, and why didst thou hold out thy hand? Octave, Octave, why
have you loved me if all is to end thus?"
She was about to faint as I led her to a chair where she sank down and
her head fell on my shoulder. The terrible effort she had made in
speaking to me so bitterly had broken her down. Instead of an outraged
woman I found now only a suffering child. Her eyes closed and she was
motionless.
When she regained consciousness she complained of extreme languor, and
begged to be left alone that she might rest. She could hardly walk; I
carried her gently to her room and placed her on the bed. There was no
mark of suffering on her face: she was resting from her sorrow as from
great fatigue, and seemed not even to remember it. Her feeble and
delicate body yielded without a struggle; the strain had been too great.
She held my hand in hers; I kissed her; our lips met in loving union, and
after the cruel scene through which she had passed, she slept smilingly
on my heart as on the first day.
CHAPTER VI
SELF-SACRIFICE THE SOLUTION
Brigitte slept. Silent, motionless, I sat near her. As a husbandman,
when the storm has passed, counts the sheaves that remain in his
devastated field, thus I began to estimate the evil I had done.
The more I thought of it, the more irreparable I felt it to be. Certain
sorrows, by their very excess, warn us of their limits, and the more
shame and remorse I experienced, the more I felt that after such a scene,
nothing remained for us to do but to say adieu. Whatever courage
Brigitte had shown, she had drunk to the dregs the bitter cup of her sad
love; unless I wished to see her die, I must give her repose. She had
often addressed cruel reproaches to me, and had, perhaps, on certain
other occasions shown more anger than in this scene; but what she had
said this time was not dictated by offended pride; it was the truth,
which, hidden closely in her heart, had broken it in escaping.
Our present relations, and the fact that I had refused to go away with
her, destroyed all hope; she desired to pardon me, but she had not the
power. This slumber even, this deathlike sleep of one who could suffer
no more, was conclusive evidence; this sudden silence, the tenderness she
had shown in the final moments, that pale face, and that kiss, confirmed
me in the belief that all was over, and that I had broken forever
whatever bond had united us. As surely as she slept now, as soon as I
gave her cause for further suffering she would sleep in eternal rest.
The clock struck and I felt that the last hour had carried away my life
with hers.
Unwilling to call any one, I lighted Brigitte's lamp; I watched its
feeble flame and my thoughts seemed to flicker in the darkness like its
uncertain rays.
Whatever I had said or done, the idea of losing Brigitte had never
occurred to me up to this time. A hundred times I wished to leave her,
but who has loved and is ready to say just what is in his heart? That
was in times of despair or of anger. So long as I knew that she loved
me, I was sure of loving her; stern necessity had just arisen between us
for the first time. I experienced a dull languor and could distinguish
nothing clearly. What my mind understood, my soul recoiled from
accepting. "Come," I said to myself, "I have desired it and I have done
it; there is not the slightest hope that we can live together; I am
unwilling to kill this woman, so I have no alternative but to leave her.
It is all over; I shall go away tomorrow."
And all the while I was thinking neither of my responsibility, nor of the
past, nor future; I thought neither of Smith nor his connection with the
affair; I could not say who had led me there, or what I had done during
the last hour. I looked at the walls of the room and thought that all I
had to do was to wait until to-morrow and decide what carriage I would
take.
I remained for a long time in this strange calm, just as the man who
receives a thrust from a poignard feels at first only the cold steel and
can often travel some distance ere he becomes weak, and his eyes start
from their sockets and he realizes what has happened. But drop by drop
the blood flows, the ground under his feet becomes red, death comes;
the man, at its approach, shudders with horror and falls as though struck
by a thunderbolt. Thus, apparently calm, I awaited the coming of
misfortune; I repeated in a low voice what Brigitte had said, and I
placed near her all that I supposed she would need for the night; then I
looked at her, then went to the window and pressed my forehead against
the pane peering out at a sombre and lowering sky; then I returned to the
bedside. That I was going away tomorrow was the only thought in my mind,
and little by little the word "depart" became intelligible to me. "Ah!
God!" I suddenly cried, "my poor mistress, I am about to lose you, and I
have not known how to love you!"
I trembled at these words as if it had been another who had pronounced
them; they resounded through all my being as resounds the string of the
harp that has been plucked to the point of breaking. In an instant two
years of suffering again racked my breast, and after them as their
consequence and as their last expression, the present seized me. How
shall I describe such woe? By a single word, perhaps, for those who have
loved. I had taken Brigitte's hand, and, in a dream, doubtless, she had
pronounced my name.
I arose and went to my room; a torrent of tears flowed from my eyes.
I held out my arms as if to seize the past which was escaping me. "Is it
possible," I repeated, "that I am going to lose you? I can love no one
but you. What! you are going away? And forever? What! you, my life,
my adored mistress, you flee me, I shall never see you more? Never!
never!" I said aloud; and, addressing myself to the slumbering Brigitte
as if she could hear me, I added: "Never, never; do not think of it; I
will never consent to it. And why so much pride? Are there no means of
atoning for the offense I have committed? I beg of you, let us seek some
expiation. Have you not pardoned me a thousand times? But you love me,
you will not be able to go, for courage will fail you. What shall we
do?"
A horrible madness seized me; I began to run here and there in search of
some instrument of death. At last I fell on my knees and beat my head
against the bed. Brigitte stirred, and I remained quiet, fearing I
should waken her.
"Let her sleep until to-morrow," I said to myself; "I have all night to
watch her."
I resumed my place; I was so frightened at the idea of waking Brigitte,
that I scarcely dared breathe. Gradually I became more calm and less
bitter tears began to course gently down my cheeks. Tenderness succeeded
fury. I leaned over Brigitte and looked at her as if, for the last time,
my better angel were urging me to grave on my soul the lines of that dear
face!
How pale she was! Her large eyes, surrounded by a bluish circle, were
moist with tears; her form, once so lithe, was bent as if beneath a
burden; her cheek, wasted and leaden, rested on a hand that was spare and
feeble; her brow seemed to bear the marks of that crown of thorns which
is the diadem of resignation. I thought of the cottage. How young she
was six months ago! How cheerful, how free, how careless! What had I
done with all that? It seemed to me that a strange voice repeated an old
romance that I had long since forgotten:
Altra volta gieri biele,
Blanch' e rossa com' un flore,
Ma ora no. Non son piu biele
Consumatis dal' amore.
My sorrow was too great; I sprang to my feet and once more began to walk
the floor. "Yes," I continued, "look at her; think of those who are
consumed by a grief that is not shared with another. The evils you
endure others have suffered, and nothing is singular or peculiar to you.
Think of those who have no mother, no relatives, no friends; of those who
seek and do not find, of those who love in vain, of those who die and are
forgotten."
"Before thee, there on that bed, lies a being that nature, perchance,
formed for thee. From the highest circles of intelligence to the deepest
and most impenetrable mysteries of matter and of form, that soul and that
body are thy affinities; for six months thy mouth has not spoken, thy
heart has not beat, without a responsive word and heart-beat from her;
and that woman, whom God has sent thee as He sends the rose to the field,
is about to glide from thy heart. While rejoicing in each other's
presence, while the angels of eternal love were singing before you, you
were farther apart than two exiles at the two ends of the earth. Look at
her, but be silent. Thou hast still one night to see her, if thy sobs do
not awaken her."
Little by little, my thoughts mounted and became more sombre, until I
recoiled in terror.
"To do evil! Such was the role imposed upon me by Providence. I, to do
evil! I, to whom my conscience, even in the midst of my wildest follies,
said that I was good! I, whom a pitiless destiny was dragging swiftly
toward the abyss and whom a secret horror unceasingly warned of the awful
fate to come! I, who, if I had shed blood with these hands, could yet
repeat that my heart was not guilty; that I was deceived, that it was not
I who did it, but my destiny, my evil genius, some unknown being who
dwelt within me, but who was not born there!
"I do evil! For six months I had been engaged in that task, not a day
had passed that I had not worked at that impious occupation, and I had at
that moment the proof before my eyes. The man who had loved Brigitte,
who had offended her, then insulted her, then abandoned her only to take
her back again, trembling with fear, beset with suspicion, finally thrown
on that bed of sorrow, where she now lay extended, was I!"
I beat my breast, and, although looking at her, I could not believe it.
I touched her as if to assure myself that it was not a dream. My face,
as I saw it in the glass, regarded me with astonishment. Who was that
creature who appeared before me bearing my features? Who was that
pitiless man who blasphemed with my mouth and tortured with my hands?
Was it he whom my mother called Octave? Was it he who, at fifteen,
leaning over the crystal waters of a fountain, had a heart not less pure
than they? I closed my eyes and thought of my childhood days. As a ray
of light pierces a cloud, a gleam from the past pierced my heart.
"No," I mused, "I did not do that. These things are but an absurd
dream."
I recalled the time when I was ignorant of life, when I was taking my
first steps in experience. I remembered an old beggar who used to sit on
a stone bench before the farm gate, to whom I was sometimes sent with the
remains of our morning meal. Holding out his feeble, wrinkled hands he
would bless me as he smiled upon me. I felt the morning wind blowing on
my brow and a freshness as of the rose descending from heaven into my
soul. Then I opened my eyes and, by the light of the lamp, saw the
reality before me.
"And you do not believe yourself guilty?" I demanded, with horror.
"O novice of yesterday, how corrupt art thou today! Because you weep,
you fondly imagine yourself innocent? What you consider the evidence of
your conscience is only remorse; and what murderer does not experience
it? If your virtue cries out, is it not because it feels the approach of
death? O wretch! those far-off voices that you hear groaning in your
heart, do you think they are sobs? They are perhaps only the cry of the
sea-mew, that funereal bird of the tempest, whose presence portends
shipwreck. Who has ever told the story of the childhood of those who
have died stained with human blood? They, also, have been good in their
day; they sometimes bury their faces in their hands and think of those
happy days. You do evil, and you repent? Nero did the same when he
killed his mother. Who has told you that tears can wash away the stains
of guilt?
"And even if it were true that a part of your soul is not devoted to evil
forever, what will you do with the other part that is not yours? You
will touch with your left hand the wounds that you inflict with your
right; you will make a shroud of your virtue in which to bury your
crimes; you will strike, and like Brutus you will engrave on your sword
the prattle of Plato! Into the heart of the being who opens her arms to
you, you will plunge that blood-stained but repentant arm; you will
follow to the cemetery the victim of your passion, and you will plant on
her grave the sterile flower of your pity. You will say to those who see
you 'What could you expect? I have learned how to kill, and observe that
I already, weep; learn that God made me better than you see me.' You will
speak of your youth, and you will persuade yourself that heaven ought to
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