Good Stories from The Ladies Home Journal
by
Various
Part 2 out of 3
_They Were Both Charged_
A little girl, brushing her hair, found that it "crackled," and asked
her mother why it did.
"Why, dear, you have electricity in your hair," explained the mother.
"Isn't that funny?" commented the little one. "I have electricity in
my hair, and Grandmother has gas in her stomach."
_Could Use the Other Kind, Too_
"Here," said the salesman, "is something we call the 'lovers' clock.'
You can set it so it will take it two hours to run one hour."
"I'll take that," said Miss Jarmer with a bright blush. "And now, if
you have one that can be set so as to run two hours in one hour's time
or less, I think I'd like one of that kind, too."
_A Regard for Appearance_
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white
picture-hat.
"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd
look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."
_Rapid-Fire_
A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars and
Stripes, once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag was
very much in evidence:
"Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American flag is! It suggests
nothing but checker-berry candy."
"Yes," replied a bystander, "the kind of candy that has made everybody
sick who ever tried to lick it."
_Kipling at a Luncheon_
At a tea the other day, says "The New York Sun," a woman heard the
following remarks made about her favorite author. She turned to
listen, amazed by the eccentricities of conduct narrated.
"Yes, you know," the hostess was saying, "Kipling came in and behaved
so strangely! At luncheon he suddenly sprang up and wouldn't let the
waitress come near the table. Every time that she tried to come near
he would jump at her.
"He made a dive for the cake, which was on the lower shelf of the
sideboard, and took it into the parlor to eat it. He got the crumbs
all over the sofa and the beautiful rug.
"When he had finished his cake he simply sat and glared at us."
The visitor finally could not control herself, and asked:
"Excuse me, but are you speaking of Mr. Rudyard Kipling?"
"Mr. Rudyard Kipling?" echoed the hostess. "Oh, no; Kipling is our
dog!"
_Getting His Trousseau Ready_
The kindly 'Squire of the neighborhood was just leaving from a
friendly social visit to Mrs. Maguire.
"And your son, Mrs. Maguire?" said the 'Squire as he reached for his
hat. "I hope he is well. Busy, I suppose, getting ready for his
wedding tonight ?"
"Well, not very busy this minit, 'Squire," answered the beaming
mother. "He's upstairs in bed while I'm washing out his trousseau."
_There Was a Chance_
"Going to send your boy on an ocean trip, are you?" said a friend to
a father.
"Yes," replied the father. "You see, if there is anything in him I
think a long sea voyage will bring it out."
_Deserved to be Tried_
The Judge was at dinner in the new household when the young wife
asked: "Did you ever try any of my biscuits, Judge?"
"No," said the Judge, "I never did, but I dare say they deserve it."
_End of the Honeymoon_
An old married man happened to meet a beaming bridegroom on the
latter'S first day at business after the wedding trip.
"Hello!" said he; "finished your honeymoon yet?"
"I don't know," replied the happy husband, smiling. "I have never
been able to determine the exact meaning of the word honeymoon."
"Well, then, has your wife commenced to do the cooking yet?"
_If You Have a Mole_
No one is said to be without a mole or two, and these are some of the
prognostications that mole-wearers may draw from their brown
ornaments;
A mole on the right side of a man's forehead denotes wonderful luck;
on the right side of a woman's forehead, gifts from the dead.
On the left side of a man's forehead a mole denotes a long term in
prison, on the left side of a woman's forehead, two husbands and a
life of exile.
A man with a mole in the middle of his forehead has a cruel mind; a
woman with such a mole is foolish and envious.
A mole on the neck in man or woman promises a long and happy life,
wealth and fame.
A man with a mole on the left side of the upper lip rarely marries,
and such a mole in the case of a woman denotes suffering.
On the right side of the upper-lip a mole promises great good fortune
to both sexes.
_Her Own Eyes Good Enough for Him_
A little Scotch boy's grandmother was packing his luncheon for him to
take to school one morning. Suddenly looking up in the old lady's
face, he said:
"Grandmother, does yer specs magnify?"
"A little, my child," she answered.
"Aweel, then," said the boy, "I wad juist like it if ye wad tak' them
aff when ye're packin' my loonch."
_How Did He Know_?
After dinner, when the ladies had gone upstairs, the men, over their
coffee and cigars, talked, as men will, of love.
All of a sudden the host cried in a loud voice:
"I will tell you, gentlemen, this is the truth: I have kissed the
dainty Japanese girl. I have kissed the South Sea Island maiden. I
have kissed the slim Indian beauty. And the girls of England, of
Germany, even of America, I have kissed, but it is most true that to
kiss my wife is best of all."
Then a young man cried across the table:
"By Heaven, sir, you are right there!"
_So Mother--So Son_
Vincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please his
teachers. Such punishments as the institution allowed to be meted
out were tried without any apparent effect upon the boy until at last
the head Master decided to mention the lad's fault upon his monthly
report.
So the next report to his father had these words: "Vincent talks a
great deal."
Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in
red ink under the comment: "You ought to hear his mother."
_An Endless Wash_
In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an
Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two
privates were deputed to strip and wash him.
The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed
him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and
large cakes of white soap.
After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He
saluted his officer and said disconsolately:
"It's no use, sir. It's no use."
"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed
that Afghan yet?"
"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for two
hours, but it's no use."
"How do you mean it's no use ?" said the officer angrily.
"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him
till our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit
of clothes."
_Once Dead Always Dead_
The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the
villain, had died to slow music, says a storyteller in "The Chicago
Tribune."
The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.
He refused to appear.
But the audience still insisted.
Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.
"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he
says he's dead, an' he's goin' to stay dead."
_Had to Get it Done Somehow_
A little boy bustled into a grocery one day with a memorandum in his
hand.
"Hello, Mr. Smith," he said. "I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 32
cents."
"Very good," said the grocer, and he noted down the sale, and put his
clerk to packing the coffee. "Anything else, Charlie?"
"Yes. Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents."
"The loaf, eh? And what else?"
"Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 20 cents."
"That will be a good brand. Go on."
"Five pounds of tea at 90 cents; eleven and a half quarts of molasses
at 8 cents a pint; two eight-pound hams at 21 1/4 cents, and five
dozen jars of pickled walnuts at 24 cents a jar."
The grocer made out the bill,
"It's a big order," he said. "Did your mother tell you to pay for
it?"
"My mother," said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill,
"has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic lesson
and I had to get it done somehow."
_A Personal Demonstration_
Chatting in leisurely fashion with Prince Bismarck in Berlin Lord
Russell asked the Chancellor how he managed to rid himself of
importunate visitors whom he could not refuse to see, but who stuck
like burrs when once admitted.
"Oh," replied Bismarck, "I have my easy escape. My wife knows people
of this class very well, and when she is sure there is a bore here
and sees them staying too long she manages to call me away on some
plausible pretext."
Scarcely had he finished speaking when the Princess Bismarck appeared
at the door. "My dear," she said to her husband, "you must come at
once and take your medicine; you should have taken it an hour ago."
_Not for Him_
A quiet and retiring citizen occupied a seat near the door of a
crowded car when a masterful stout woman entered.
Having no newspaper behind which to hide he was fixed and subjugated
by her glittering eye. He rose and offered his place to her.
Seating herself--without thanking him--she exclaimed in tones that
reached to the farthest end of the car:
"What do you want to stand up there for? Come here and sit on my
lap."
"Madam," gasped the man, as his face became scarlet. "I beg your
pardon, I--I----"
"What do you mean?" shrieked the woman. "You know very well I was
speaking to my niece there behind you."
_Such a Pleasant Room_
"It ain't ev'rybody I'd put to sleep in this room," said old Mrs.
Jinks to the fastidious and extremely nervous young minister who was
spending a night at her house.
"This here room is full of sacred associations to me," she went on,
as she bustled around opening shutters and arranging the curtains.
"My first husband died in that bed with his head on these very
pillers, and poor Mr. Jinks died settin' right in that corner.
Sometimes when I come into the room in the dark I think I see him
settin' there still.
"My own father died layin' right on that lounge under the winder.
Poor Pa! He was a Speeritualist, and he allus said he'd appear in
this room after he died, and sometimes I'm foolish enough to look for
him. If you should see anything of him tonight you'd better not tell
me; for it'd be a sign to me that there was something in
Speeritualism, and I'd hate to think that.
"My son by my first man fell dead of heart-disease right where you
stand. He was a doctor, and there's two whole skeletons in that
closet that belonged to him, and half a dozen skulls in that lower
drawer.
"There, I guess things'll do now----
"Well, good-night, and pleasant dreams."
_Giving a Woman Her Rights_
The car was full and the night was wet. The bell rang, the car
stopped, and a lady entered. As she looked tired a nice old
gentleman in the corner rose and inquired in a kind voice, "Would you
like to sit down, ma'am? Excuse me, though," he added; "I think you
are Mrs. Sprouter, the advocate of woman's rights."
"I am, sir," replied the lady calmly.
"You think that women should be equal to men?" further queried the
old gentleman.
"Certainly," was the firm reply.
"You think that they should have the same rights and privileges?" was
the next question.
"Most emphatically," came from the supporter of woman's rights.
"Very well," said the kind old gentleman, sitting down again, "just
stand up and enjoy them."
_A Riddle to Willie_
I asked my Pa a simple thing;
"Where holes in doughnuts go?"
Pa read his paper, then he said:
"Oh, you're too young to know."
I asked my Ma about the wind:
"Why can't you see it blow?"
Ma thought a moment, then she said:
"Oh, you're too young to know."
Now, why on earth do you suppose
They went and licked me so?
Ma asked: "Where is that jam?" I said:
"Oh, you're too young to know."
_Under Her Bed_
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her
house the night before.
"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there from under
the bed I saw a man's legs sticking out."
"Mercy," exclaimed a woman--"the burglar's legs?"
"No, my dear, my husband's legs. He had heard the noise, too."
_Didn't Think He Was Polite_
They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had taken
her out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her to
tend the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertain
tones:
"Let go the sheet."
No response.
Then again:
"Let go that sheet, quick."
Still no movement. A few minutes after, when both were clinging to
the bottom of the overturned boat, he said:
"Why didn't you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?"
"I would have," said the bride, "if you had not been so rough about
it. You ought to speak more kindly to your wife."
_He Had a Large Reach_
President Eliot, of Harvard, on a visit to the Pacific Coast, met
Professor O. B. Johnson, of the University of Washington, says "The
New York Tribune." In the course of the conversation President Eliot
asked the Westerner what chair he held.
"Well," said Professor Johnson, "I am professor of biology, but I
also give instruction in meteorology, botany, physiology, chemistry,
entomology and a few others."
"I should say that you occupied a whole settee, not a chair," replied
Harvard's chief.
_When Fighting Really Began_
An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness
in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took
the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial
Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took
place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his
persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.
"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I
knowed about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom
knocked him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then
cut Tom with a knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam
Jones, who was a friend of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more
shot him, en three or four others got cut right smart by somebody.
That nachly caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced
fightin'."
_The Wrong Kind of a Baby_
In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is a
six-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to
see the new arrival he exclaimed:
"Oh, mamma, it hasn't any teeth! And no hair!" Then, clasping his
hands in despair, he cried: "Somebody has done us! It's an old baby."
_A Poser for the Salesman_
"It's not so much a durable article that I require, sir," said Miss
Simpkins. "I want something dainty, you know; something coy, and at
the same time just a wee bit saucy--that might look well for evening
wear."
_Not in the Army, After All_
A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob de
Lohd."
"Ise done jined," replied one of the congregation.
"Whar'd yoh jine?" asked the exhorter.
"In de Baptis' Chu'ch."
"Why, chile," said the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in de
navy."
[Transcriber's Note: The copy of this book I was working from was
missing pages 71-74 inclusive.]
_Her Literary Loves_
A talented young professor who was dining one evening at the home of
a college president became very much interested in the very pretty
girl seated at his left. Conversation was somewhat fitful. Finally
he decided to guide it into literary channels, where he was more at
home, and, turning to his companion, asked;
"Are you fond of literature?"
"Passionately," she replied. "I love books dearly."
"Then you must admire Sir Walter Scott," he exclaimed with sudden
animation. "Is not his 'Lady of the Lake' exquisite in its flowing
grace and poetic imagery? Is it not----"
"It is perfectly lovely," she assented, clasping her hands in
ecstasy. "I suppose I have read it a dozen times."
"And Scott's 'Marmion/" he continued, "with its rugged simplicity and
marvelous description--one can almost smell the heather on the heath
while perusing its splendid pages."
"It is perfectly grand," she murmured.
"And Scott's 'Peveril of the Peak' and his noble 'Bride of
Lammermoor'--where in the English language will you find anything
more heroic than his grand auld Scottish characters and his graphic,
forceful pictures of feudal times and customs? You like them, I am
sure."
"I just dote upon them," she replied.
"And Scott's Emulsion," he continued hastily, for a faint suspicion
was beginning to dawn upon him.
"I think," she interrupted rashly, "that it's the best thing he ever
wrote."
_How Grandma Viewed Them_
"I'm glad Billy had the sense to marry a settled old maid," said
Grandma Winkum at the wedding.
"Why, Grandma?" asked the son.
"Well, gals is hity-tity, and widders is kinder overrulin' and
upsettin'. But old maids is thankful and willin' to please."
_So Easy When it is Explained_
A woman riding in a Philadelphia trolley-car said to the conductor:
"Can you tell me, please, on what trolley-cars I can use these
exchange slips? They mix me up somewhat."
"They really shouldn't, madam," said the polite conductor. "It is
very simple: East of the junction by a westbound car an exchange from
an eastbound car is good only if the westbound car is west of the
junction formed by said eastbound car. South of the junction formed
by a northbound car an exchange from a southbound car is good south
of the junction if the northbound car was north of the junction at
the time of issue, but only south of the junction going south if the
southbound car was going north at the time it was south of the
junction. That is all there is to it."
_Sixty Girls Not One Too Many_
A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a
large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth
floor."
_One on the President_
When the President alighted at Red Hill, Virginia, a few months ago,
to see his wife's new cottage, he noticed that an elderly woman was
about to board the train, and, with his usual courtesy, he rushed
forward to assist her. That done, he grasped her hand and gyve it an
"executive shake." This was going too far, and the woman, snatching
her hand away and eying him wrathfully, exclaimed: "Young man, I
don't know who you are, and I don't care a cent; but I must say you
are the freshest somebody I've ever seen in these parts."
_No Doubt of it_
The lesson was from the "Prodigal Son," and the Sunday-school teacher
was dwelling on the character of the elder brother. "But amidst all
the rejoicing," he said, "there was one to whom the preparation of
the feast brought no joy, to whom the prodigal's return gave no
pleasure, but only bitterness; one who did not approve of the feast
being held, and had no wish to attend it. Now can any of you tell
who this was?" There was a short silence, followed by a vigorous
cracking of thumbs, and then from a dozen little mouths came the
chorus: "Please, sir, it was the fatted calf."
_The Lesson Stopped_
The teacher was taking a class in the infant Sabbath-school room and
was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they
understood her.
"The idol had eyes," the teacher said, "but it could not----"
"See," cried the children.
"It had ears, but it could not----"
"Hear," was the answer.
"It had lips," she said, "but it could not----"
"Speak," once more replied the children.
"It had a nose, but it could not----"
"Wipe it," shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment.
_The Wrong One_
A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when one
night, as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her
mother entered the room instead, and asked him in a very grave, stern
way what his intentions were.
He turned very red, and was about to stammer some incoherent reply,
when suddenly the young lady called down from the head of the stairs:
"Mamma, mamma, that is not the one."
_A Good Pair of Boots_
"You know," said a "smart" young man to a girl, "some one has said
that 'if you would make a lasting pair of boots take for the sole the
tongue of a woman.'"
"Yes," replied the girl, "and for the uppers you ought to take the
cheek of the man who said it."
_Not Just the Right Place_
A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered
a crowded street car.
"Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully
at her blushing face.
"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" was
the low, embarrassed reply.
_What Else Could He Be_?
There is a man who is the head of a large family, nearly every member
of which is a performer on some kind of musical instrument.
A friend who was visiting the house of this man referred to the fact,
remarking that it must be a source of great pleasure to the family,
but to this observation the father made no reply.
"Really," continued the friend, "it is remarkable. Your younger son
is a cornetist, both your daughters are pianists, your wife is a
violinist, and, I understand, the others are also musicians. Now
what are you, the father of such a musical combination ?"
"I," replied the old man sadly--"I am a pessimist."
_He Had to Stand Up_
An American doctor built an elegant home, says the "San Francisco
Chronicle"; his bathroom was exceptionally beautiful, being of white
marble with silver hardware; a music-box was concealed in the room.
After completion of the home an Englishman came to visit the doctor.
Now the English always show great respect for their sovereign and
their country, and this one was no exception.
After showing his home to the Englishman the doctor remembered the
fondness English people have for the bath, and escorted his guest to
the bathroom, and while there turned on the music-box, wishing to
give his guest a pleasant surprise as he bathed. Then he left his
friend in the bathroom.
About an hour later the Englishman joined his host in the
drawing-room. The doctor immediately asked what his guest thought of
the bathroom. The Englishman replied: "It is beautiful, beautiful."
"Well," said the doctor, "how did you like my music-box?"
Said his guest with great disgust in his tones:
"Bah! That music-box! The old thing played 'God Save the King,' and
I had to stand up the whole time I was trying to bathe."
_His Heartbreaking Task_
"Darling," said the bride, "I had a terrible feeling of sadness come
over me this afternoon--a sort of feeling that you were doing
something that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet,
what were you doing, now, this afternoon at four o'clock?"
"Dearest," replied the husband tenderly and reassuringly, "at that
hour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes."
_Easily Accounted For_
An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at Ellis
Island. He gave it.
"Speak louder," said the officer.
He repeated it.
"Louder," again said the officer; "why, man, your voice is as soft as
a woman's!"
"Well," said Pat, "that might be. Me mother was a woman."
_The Retort Courteous_!
A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket that
the occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with a
polite message asking if it would be possible for the party to make
less noise, since, as the servant announced, "Mr. Smith says that he
cannot read."
"I am very sorry for Mr. Smith," replied the host. "Please present
my compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read,
and tell him I could when I was four years old!"
_When He Left_
A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her
husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"
"Nearly every night," was the reply.
_A Popular Store_
The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look. "You
must be severely tried," said a man standing by. "There are all
sorts and conditions of people in the world,"
"Yes, there are," said the salesman, "and they're all here, too!"
_He Couldn't Bend_
A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were
extremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To their
dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the others
at table reverently bowed their heads. When the second day passed
and the young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of
the house could endure the situation no longer.
"Atheism?" asked she sharply.
"No, madam," humbly responded the new boarder; "boil."
_Really, All the Same_
As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed to
traveling, hailed the passing conductor and asked:
"Conductor, what door shall I get out by?"
"Either door, ma'am," graciously answered the conductor. "The car
stops at both ends."
_He Had a Good Excuse_
"Good-morning, Mrs. Stubbins," said the parson; "is your husband at
home?"
"'E's 'ome, sir, but 'e's abed," replied Mrs. Stubbins, who had just
finished hanging a pair of recently-patched trousers on the
clothesline.
"How is it he didn't come to church on Sunday? You know we must have
our hearts in the right place."
"Lor', sir," retorted the faithful wife,"'is 'eart's all right. It's
'is trouziz!"
_One of Lincoln's Little Notes_
President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter
was in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known,
conducted a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any
mistakes that he made very little headway. President Lincoln sent
this brief but exceedingly pertinent letter:
"_My Dear McClellan_: If you don't want to use the army I should like
to borrow it for a while."
"Yours respectfully,
A. LINCOLN."
_Fair Play_
A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality,
says "Lippincott's Magazine," when one of them took up his parable
thus:
"I was down in Louisiana last month travelin' cross country when we
kinder got lost in a lonesome sort of road just about dark, and when
we saw a light ahead I tell you it looked first rate. We drove up to
the light, findin' 'twas a house, and when I hollered the man came
out and we asked him to take us in for the night. He looked at us
mighty hard, then said, 'Wall, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.'
"So we unhitched, went in, and found 'twas only a two-room shanty and
just swarmin' with children. He had six from four to 'leven years
old, and as there didn't seem to be but one bed, me an' Stony was
wonderin' what in thunder would become of us.
"They gave us supper, and then the old woman put the two youngest
kids to bed. They went straight to sleep. Then she took those out,
laid them over in the corner, put the next two to bed, and so on.
After all the children were asleep on the floor the old folks went in
the other room and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and,
bein' powerful tired out, we did.
"Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we was lying over in the
corner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bedl"
_Cold Comfort That_
A country minister who lived quite a distance from his church was
overtaken on the way over one Sunday morning by a heavy shower. The
rain poured in torrents, and by the time he arrived at the church he
was almost drenched. Shaking the water from his hat and coat he
remarked:
"Really, friends, I am almost too wet to preach."
"Oh, never mind," replied one of his congregation; "you'll be dry
enough in the pulpit!"
_A "Billet-Doux"_
She was a winsome country lass,
So William on a brief vacation,
The time more pleasantly to pass,
Essayed flirtation.
And while they strolled in twilight dim,
As near the time for parting drew,
Asked if she would have from him
A "billet-doux."
Now this simple maid of French knew naught,
But doubting not 'twas something nice,
Shyly she lifted her pretty head,
Her rosy lips together drew, and coyly said,
"Yes, Billy--do,"
And William--did.
_When Pat Laughed Last_
A short time ago two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland hired a boat
for the purpose of having a sail.
One of the Britons, thinking he would have a good joke at Pat's
expense, asked him if he knew anything about astrology.
"Be jabers, no," said Pat.
"Then that's the best part of your life just lost," answered the
Englishman.
The second Englishman then asked Pat if he knew anything about
theology.
"Be jabers, no," answered Pat.
"Well," the second said, "I must say that's the very best part of
your life lost."
A few minutes later a sudden squall arose and the boat capsized. Pat
began to swim. The Britons, however, could not swim, and both called
loudly to Pat to help them.
"Do you know anything about swimology?" asked Pat.
"No," answered both Englishmen.
"Well, be jabers," replied Pat, "then both of your lives is lost!"
_Could Eat, but Couldn't See_
A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room at
a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for
dining.
"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three,
and supper from three to eight," explained the clerk.
"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin'
ter git ter see the town?"
_How She Got It_
A little girl was sent by her mother to the grocery store with a jug
for a quart of vinegar.
"But, mamma," said the little one, "I can't say that word."
"But you must try," said the mother, "for I must have vinegar and
there's no one else to send."
So the little girl went with the jug, and as she reached the counter
of the store she pulled the cork out of the jug with a pop, swung the
jug on the counter with a thud, and said to the astonished clerk:
"There! Smell of that and give me a quart!"
_What the "Grip" Is_
Asked what made him look so ill, an Irishman replied, "Faith, I had
the grip last winter." To draw him out the questioner asked, "What
is the grip, Patrick?"
"The grip!" he says. "Don't you know what the grip is? It's a
disease that makes you sick six months after you get well!"
_Wouldn't Have Been Strange_
Two women were strangers to each other at a reception. After a few
moments' desultory talk the first said rather querulously:
"I don't know what's the matter with that tall, blond gentleman over
there. He was so attentive a while ago, but he won't look at me now."
"Perhaps," said the other, "he saw me come in. He's my husband."
_A Place for Jeremiah_
A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the
prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last
he finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He
took a long breath and continued: "Now I shall proceed to the major
prophets."
After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the
congregation gave another sigh of relief.
"Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major
prophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah's place?"
At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. "Jeremiah
can have my place," he said; "I'm going home."
_The One Thing He Wanted_
After waiting the usual five or ten minutes the new arrival was
served with the first dinner course of soup. Hesitating a moment as
he glanced at his plate, the guest said to the waiter:
"I can't eat this soup."
"I'll bring you another kind, sir," said the waiter as he took it
away.
"Neither can I eat this soup!" said the guest a trifle more
emphatically, when the second plate was served.
The waiter, angrily but silently, for the third time brought a plate
of soup.
"I simply can't eat this soup!" once more said the guest, in a low,
emphatic tone.
By this time the waiter was furious and called the hotel proprietor,
while the guests at the nearby table looked over that way with
curious glances.
"Really, sir, this is unusual. May I ask why can't you eat any of
our soups?" demanded the proprietor.
"Because I have no spoon," replied the guest quietly.
_Why He Would Like It_
The little son of the minister, at Sunday dinner, said at the family
table:
"Father, I wish I could be 'a doorkeeper in the House of the Lord,'
as you said this morning."
"Indeed," said the minister-father, with a pleased look across the
table at his wife.
"Yes," said the boy, "for then I wouldn't have to listen to the
sermon."
_Why Mr. Duffy's Nose was Red_
The late Mr. Duffy, of Keene, New Hampshire, says "The Boston
Herald," was well known for his life-long total abstinence from
intoxicants, which seemed somewhat at variance with the fact that his
nose was very red.
On one occasion, when on business in a liquor saloon in his
neighborhood, a drummer came in to sell cigars. To gain the good
graces of the bartender he invited all in the place to drink, to
which invitation all readily responded save Mr. Duffy.
The drummer went to him, and slapping him on the shoulder, said: "I
say, old man, what are you going to have?"
"I thank you, sir-r, but I niver dhrink," was Duffy's quiet reply.
"What, you never drink?" said the drummer with a sarcastic laugh.
"Now, if you never drink, will you please tell me what makes that
nose of yours so red?"
The impertinence of the questioner at once aroused the irascibility
of the old gentleman, and he replied: "Sir-r, it is glowing with
proid because it is kept out of other people's business."
_Why He Knew_
A prominent Judge, who was an enthusiastic golfer, had occasion to
question a boy witness in a criminal suit.
"Now, my boy," said the Judge, "are you sure that you know the nature
and significance of an oath--that is, what an oath really means?"
The boy looked up at the Judge in surprise, and then answered:
"Why, of course I do, Judge. Don't I caddy for you at the Country
Club?"
_Her Idea of Remembrance_
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.
Said the cook:
"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers
on my grave. Jes plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits
ripe you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes bus' it on de grave,
an' let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"
_Did He Win Her_?
Conversation lagged for a moment, according to a "Life" story, then,
as he sipped his tea, he remarked quietly, but with a meaning
emphasis, "You are to be married."
"Mercy me! To whom?" was the startled reply.
"To me; I came today on purpose to tell you."
_The Dog wasn't Touched_
"Madam," said the conductor as he punched a ticket, "I am very sorry,
but you can't have your dog in this car. It is against the rules."
"I shall hold him in my lap all the way," she replied, "and he will
not disturb any one."
"That makes no difference," said the conductor. "Dogs must ride in
the baggage-car. I'll take and fasten him for you."
"Don't you touch my dog, sir," exclaimed the young lady excitedly.
"I will trust him to no one," and with indignant tread she marched to
the baggage-car, tied her dog and said: "Remember, please, I don't
want a soul here to touch my dog or untie him: you understand?"
The baggage crew said they did.
As the train approached her station the young lady, hailing the
conductor, asked: "Is my dog all right?"
"I don't know, miss," replied the conductor.
"Don't know?" she replied. "Why don't you know? It's your business
to know. You haven't touched him or untied him?"
"No; we didn't touch or untie him, and that's just it. You tied him
to a trunk checked for two stations back. The trunk had to be put
off, and so we threw the dog off with the trunk!"
_Not the Kind She Wanted_
"Which way, please, to the corset department?" she asked of the
floor-walker.
"Straight back, madam."
"No, not straight back," was the reply. "I want a straight front."
_His Last Request_
JUDGE (to prisoner just condemned to death): "You have the legal
right to express a last wish, and if it is possible it will be
granted,"
PRISONER (a barber): "I should like just once more to be allowed to
shave the District Attorney."
_Why He Really Wanted to Go_
"Would you mind if I went into the smoking-car, dear?" asked the
bridegroom in a tender voice.
"What! to smoke, sweetheart?" questioned the bride.
"Oh, dear, no," replied the young husband; "I want to experience the
agony of being away from you, so that the joy of my return will be
all the more intensified."
_No End to This Game for Two_
Said He: "It is sweeter to give than receive.
Of a whipping this doubtless is true,
But of kissing I cannot believe
It holds good, till I've tried it. Can you?"
Said She; "I don't know; let's each give and receive,
And so come to proof of the prop.
Now you give, and I'll take, and we'll leave
The one to decide who cries 'Stop!'"
_And This in Boston_!
A man who has just returned from Boston is "chortling" over a good
joke on that correct and literary city. He says that in the
reading-room of one of the most exclusive clubs in the Hub there is a
sign that reads:
ONLY LOW CONVERSATION PERMITTED HERE
_Man Wants but Little, etc_.
"Please, mum," said a tramp, "would you be so kind as to let me have
a needle and thread?"
"Well, y-e-s," said the housewife at the door, "I can let you have
that."
"Thankee, mum. Now, you'd oblige me very much if you'd let me have a
bit of cloth for a patch."
"Yes, here is some."
"Thankee very much, mum. It's a little different color from my suit,
I see. Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband's old
clothes that this patch will match."
"Well, I declare! You're clever, my man, and I'll give you an old
suit. Here is one."
"Thankee greatly, mum. I see it's a little large, mum, but if you'll
kindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out."
_It Certainly Tickled Them_
An amateur artist contributed a painting to the academy for the first
time. With natural curiosity he said to the carrier, "Did you see my
picture safely delivered?"
"Indeed I did," replied the man, "and mighty pleased they seemed to
be with it--leastways, if I may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin',
but, Lor'! how they did laugh when they got a light on it!"
_Cured Without Medicine_
A clergyman has had in his employ for so long a time a colored man
named Julian that the latter has come to regard himself as something
of a confidential adviser to the divine.
Early one Sunday morning the pastor awoke feeling decidedly ill.
After a futile attempt at breakfast, he summoned his old and faithful
servitor, saying:
"Julian, I want you to go to my assistant, and tell him that, as I am
unwell, he will officiate for me in this morning's service."
At this Julian demurred, and, after some argument, persuaded his
master that he would feel better if he officiated as usual. This the
latter did, and, as predicted by the servant, he did return home
feeling much better.
"Youse better, sah ?" asked the man, meeting his master at the door.
"Very much better, thank you, Julian."
The servant grinned. "What did I tell you, sah? I knowed you'd be
all right jest as soon as you got that sermon outer your system."
_Enthusiasm Squelched_
An enthusiastic citizen, about to visit Europe, was rejoicing over
the fact and the pleasures to come.
"How delightful it will be," he said to his wife, "to tread the
bounding billow and inhale the invigorating oxygen of the sea, the
sea, the boundless sea! I long to see it! To breathe in great
drafts of life-giving air. I shall want to stand every moment on the
prow of the steamer with my mouth open----"
"You probably will, dear," interrupted his wife encouragingly.
"That's the way all the ocean travelers do."
_Definitive_
The schoolmaster was trying to explain the meaning of the word
"conceited," which had occurred in the course of the reading lesson.
"Now, boys," he said, "suppose that I was always boasting of my
learning--that I knew a good deal o' Latin, for instance, or that my
personal appearance was--that I was very good-looking, y' know--what
should you say I was?"
Straightforward Boy; "Sure, sir, I'd say you was a liar, sir!"
_Wanted to Give Her Every Chance_
The clerk was most obliging, but the young woman customer was hard to
please. Roll after roll of blankets did he patiently take down and
show to her; nothing suited.
For some fifteen minutes this mock sale went on, then the young woman
said condescendingly, "Well, I don't intend to buy. I was just
looking for a friend."
"Wait a moment, madam," cried the clerk. "There is one more blanket
left on the shelf. Maybe you will find your friend in it."
_Murder Will Out_
The newly-graduated daughter who had decided to become an artist had
returned to her Boston home. "I am glad that your mind has taken a
turn toward art, for you know that more is expected of you now than
if you lived in Chicago," said her proud parent.
"Yes, Father," she replied dutifully, with downcast eyes.
"And I hope that you will distinguish yourself in more than one way."
"Yes, Father."
"I particularly desire that you become noted as an essayist also,"
continued the ambitious parent.
"Yes, Father," was the still modest reply.
"I have spared neither pains nor expense in your education thus far,
but notwithstanding this immense outlay of time and money, if you can
think of anything which you believe will add to your equipment for
the career which you are about to begin--if you can suggest some
other way of refining your taste, please do so. Do you know of
anything else, my dear?"
"Yes, Father," and this time the downcast eyes were raised and looked
hopefully into his.
"Speak out; never mind the expense."
"Well, Father, I'd like to go this afternoon and see Sullivan thump
that yap from the country."
_Taking Mamma at Her Word_
MOTHER: "Ethel, you naughty child, what have you been doing to make
Charlie cry so?"
ETHEL: "I've only been sharing my cod-liver oil with him, mamma. You
said it was so nice."
_It Was Worse Than Bigotry_
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around
and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said,
"what's this man charged with?"
"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."
The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such
ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry--that's
trigonometry."
_A Devotional Turn of Mind_
As the new minister of the village was on his way to evening service
he met a rising young man of the place whom he was anxious to have
become an active member of the church.
"Good-evening, my young friend," he said solemnly; "do you ever
attend a place of worship?" /
"Yes, indeed, sir; regularly, every Sunday night," replied the young
fellow with a smile. "I'm on my way to see her now."
_Poor Little Chap_!
A little boy from the slums had been taken out into the country for
the first time. After a bit he was found sitting, all by himself, on
a high bank, and gazing wistfully out over the hills.
The woman who had made the little excursion possible quietly seated
herself at the youngster's side. To her the child turned a radiant
face and asked:
"Say, it's dern pretty, ain't it? Is this all in the United States?"
_The Horse Had a Habit_
At an annual series of races "for all comers," the sun was blazing
down on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all waiting for a
tall, raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the starter
and get into line.
The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. "Bring up that
horse!" he shouted. "Bring him up!"
The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back;
"I can't! This here's been a cab-horse, and he won't start till he
hears the door shut, an' I ain't got no door!"
_She Won Her Uncle_
Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsome
four-year-oid Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too much
fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.
One day Helen's mother was called downstairs and with fear and
trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he
would keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted "Yes," but never
stirred from his position--in truth his eyes were tight shut.
By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle
Harry softly inquired:
"Feepy?"
"No," growled Uncle Harry.
"Tired?" ventured Helen.
"No," said her uncle.
"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.
"No," still insisted Uncle Harry.
"Dus' feel bum, hey?"
And that won the uncle!
_Still He Wondered_
One of the physicians at a popular winter health-resort was looking
over his books one day, comparing his list of patients. "I had a
great many more patients last year than I have this," he remarked to
his wife. "I wonder where they have all gone to?"
"Well, never mind, dear," she replied. "You know all we can do is to
hope for the best."
_A Lesson In It_
"The trouble with you ladies of the W.C.T.U. is," said a man to a
member of that organization, "that instead of opposing the
christening of a vessel with champagne, you ought to encourage it and
draw from it a great temperance lesson."
"Why, how can we?" asked the "white ribboner."
"Well," was the reply, "after the first taste of wine the ship takes
to water and sticks to it ever after."
_It Was His Privilege_
As an express train was going through a station, says "Tit-Bits," one
of the passengers leaned too far out of the window, overbalanced and
fell out. He fortunately landed on a sand heap, so that he did
himself no great injury, but, with torn clothes and not a few
bruises, said to a porter who was standing by:
"What shall I do?"
"You're all right, mister," said the porter. "Your ticket allows you
to stop off."
_Still Hopeful_
"Well, Jimmy," said his employer, "I don't see how you are going to
get out to any ball-games this season; your grandmother died four
times last summer."
"Oh, yes, I can, sir," answered Jimmy. "Grandpapa has married again,
although it was very much against the wishes of the family."
_He Thought She Ought to Know It_
"No, I haven't anything for you today. You are the man I gave some
pie to a fortnight ago?"
"Yis, lidy, thank you; I come back because I thought p'r'aps you'd
like to know I'm able to get about again."
_A Possible Substitute_
"What have you in the shape of cucumbers this morning?" asked the
customer of the new grocery clerk.
"Nothing but bananas, ma'am," was the reply.
_One on the Preachers_
The preachers in a certain coast town noted for its Sabbath
observance were greatly incensed over the fact that printed cards
bearing the name of a well-known shipbuilding firm had been received
by prominent citizens, inviting them to attend the launching of a
vessel on the next Sunday afternoon, the reason being given that the
tide was highest on that day.
Sunday came and in every church the launching was widely advertised
and denounced, and it was not until late in the day that some one
remembered it was April the first.
_Charlie Remembered Her Well_
A young married woman of social prominence and respectability was to
unite with the church in her home town and desired the ordinance of
baptism by immersion, preferring the primitive custom of going to the
river. Among the number that gathered to witness the baptism was a
little boy friend, Charlie, about four years old. The proceedings
were entirely new to the child, and he looked on with strange
curiosity as the candidate was led into the water. The spring
freshets had made the river somewhat turbulent, and it was with
difficulty that the minister maintained his footing. During the
following week the young woman called at the home of this family, and
after the usual greetings said to the little boy as she extended her
hand: "Come here, Charlie, and see me. You don't know who I am, do
you?" she continued. "Yes, indeed I do," said the boy. "You's that
woman who went in swimmin' with the minister on Sunday."
_Couldn't Follow Him_
"John," said Farmer Foddershucks to his college-bred son, who was
home on a vacation, "hev ye noticed Si Mullet's oldest gal lately?
Strikes me she's gettin' ter be a right likely critter, hey?"
"She's as beautiful as Hebe," agreed John enthusiastically.
"Aw, shucks!" grunted Farmer F. "She's a blame sight purtier 'n he
be. Why, he ain't no beauty. She gits it f'm her mother's folks."
_Frivolity of Outward Show_
Dear old Aunt Jane was making a visit in the early spring at the home
of her newly-married niece, and spring clothes was the all-absorbing
topic of conversation in the family.
"I feel sure this hat's not broad enough in the brim, Aunt Jane,"
said the worldly niece, who wanted to appear just as bewitching to
her young husband as she did in her going-away costume.
"What does it matter, child! Look at me!" replied Aunt Jane, in a
comforting tone. "I put on anything! Don't I look all right?"
_Just as Well_
A Scotsman went to a dentist with a toothache. The dentist told him
he would only get relief by having it out.
"Then I must hae gas," said the Scotsman.
While the dentist was getting it ready the Scot began to count his
money.
The dentist said, somewhat testily, "You need not pay until the tooth
is out."
"I ken that," said the Scotsman, "but as ye're aboot to mak' me
unconscious I jist want to see hoo I stan'."
_The Same, Only a Little Different_
They were newly married, according to "The New York Sun," and on a
honeymoon trip. They put up at a skyscraper hotel. The bridegroom
felt indisposed and the bride said she would slip out and do a little
shopping. In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her
room, a little awed by the number of doors that looked all alike.
But she was sure of her own and tapped gently on the panel.
"I'm back, honey; let me in," she whispered.
No answer.
"Honey, honey, let me in!" she called again, rapping louder. Still
no answer.
"Honey, honey, it's Mabel. Let me in."
There was silence for several seconds; then a man's voice, cold and
full of dignity, came from the other side of the door:
"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom."
_For Him to Decide_
"Well, well," said the absent-minded professor, as he stood knee-deep
in the bathtub, "what did I get in here for?"
_A Large Corporation_
An old lady, traveling for the first time in a large city, saw a
glaring sign on the front of a high building which read, "The Smith
Manufacturing Company."
As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew: "Lawsy
mercy! Well, I've hearn tell of Smiths all my life, but I never knew
before where they made 'em."
_Accommodating Man_
One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window and
explaining the scenery, says the Denver "News," one of the passengers
whispered to the conductor: "Conductor, can you tell me how that
brakeman lost his finger? He seems to be a very nice fellow. It
seems a pity he should be crippled."
"That's just it, ma'am. He is a good fellow. He is so obliging that
he just wore his finger off pointing out the scenery along the line."
_The Early Bird_
The card "Boy Wanted" had been swinging from the window of a
publishing house only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad
climbed to the publisher's office with the sign under his arm.
"Say, mister," he demanded of the publisher, "did youse hang out this
here 'Boy Wanted' sign?"
"I did," replied the publisher sternly. "Why did you tear it down?"
Back of his freckles the youngster was gazing in wonder at the man's
stupidity.
"Hully gee!" he blurted. "Why, I'm the boy!"
And he was.
_No Wonder He Asked "Why?"_
Edward had just returned from foreign service, and his brow was
troubled.
"I gave you that parrot as a birthday present, did I not, Amelia?" he
asked.
"Yes; but surely, Teddy, you are not going to speak of your tokens as
if----"
"It was young and speechless at the time."
"Yes"--with increasing wonder--"and it has never been out of this
parlor."
"There are no other young ladies in this house?"
"No; there are not."
"Then why--why, when I k-kissed your photograph in yonder album,
while waiting for you, did that wretched bird imitate your voice and
say: 'Don't do that, Herbert, please don't!'"
_The Safest Place_
A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for "a day
with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the
great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally
regulated by the size of the bag.
"Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seem
exceptionally strong on the wing this year."
"Not all of 'em, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird
about a dozen times. 'E's a-follerin' you about, sir."
"Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?"
"Well, sir," came the reply. "I dunno, I'm sure, unless 'e's 'angin'
'round you for safety."
_An Inspiring Model_
Little Johnnie, having in his possession a couple of bantam hens,
which laid very small eggs, suddenly hit on a plan. Going the next
morning to the fowl-run, Johnnie's father was surprised to find an
ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, and above it a card, with the
words:
"Keep your eye on this and do your best."
_When the Honeymoon Began_
A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to perform
the marriage ceremony between a negro couple--the negro preacher of
the town being absent from home.
After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service.
"Oh, well," said the minister, "you can pay me whatever you think it
is worth to you."
The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head to
foot, then, slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said:
"Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for sure."
_And She Kept on Smoking_
"Aunt Chloe, do you think you are a Christian?" asked a preacher of
an old negro woman who was smoking a pipe.
"Yes, brudder, I 'spects I is."
"Do you believe in the Bible?"
"Yes, brudder."
"Do you know there is a passage in the Scripture that declares that
nothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?"
"Yes, I'se heard of it."
"Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a
smoker. So what do you say to that?"
"Well, when I go dere I 'spects to leave my breff behind me."
_Doubtful Assurances_
"Do you think they approved of my sermon?" asked the newly-appointed
rector, hopeful that he had made a good impression.
"Yes, I think so," replied his wife; "they were all nodding."
_A New Use for an Apple_
The tailor's sign in a little inland town was an apple, simply an
apple. The people were amazed at it. They came in crowds to the
tailor, asking him what on earth the meaning of the sign was.
The tailor with a complacent smile replied:
"If it hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business be
today?"
_It Looked That Way_
"Is Mike Clancy here?" asked the visitor at the quarry, just after
the premature explosion.
"No, sor," replied Costigan; "he's gone."
"For good?"
"Well, sor, he wint in that direction."
_Music Touched His Heart_
A thief broke into a Madison Avenue mansion early the other morning
and found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching,
he took refuge behind a screen.
From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.
From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.
From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.
From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.
At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied
an ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.
The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five,
and falling at their feet, cried:
"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"
Some Amusing Blunders
A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a special
communion service on the following Sunday informed them that "the
Lord is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening."
A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling his
people, "Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and
as we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a
bazar can do for us."
There is a certain amount of excuse to be made for the young curate
who, remarking that some people came to church for no better reason
than to show off their best clothes, finished up as he glanced over
his audience, "I am thankful to see, dear friends, that none of you
has come here for that reason."
A negro student when conducting the prayers at one of the great
missionary colleges, said, "Give us all pure hearts, give us all
clean hearts, give us all sweet hearts," to which the entire
congregation made response, "Amen."
The giving-out of church notices has often proved a pitfall for the
unwary. "During Lent," said a rector lately, "several preachers will
preach on Wednesday evenings, but I need not give their names, as
they will be all found hanging up in the porch."
_They Come High--But_
A stranger in New York asked a newsboy to direct him to a certain
bank, promising him half a dollar for it. The boy took him about
three doors away and there was the bank. Paying the fee, the man
said, "That was half a dollar easily earned, son."
"Sure," said the boy, "but youse mustn't fergit that bank directors
is paid high in Noo Yawk."
_At Any Cost_
A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, which
he repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.
"Oh, bredern, at de las' day dere's gwine to be sheep and dere's
gwine to be goats. Who's gwine to be de sheep, an' who's gwine to be
de goats? Let's all try to be like de li'l white lambs, bredern.
Shall we be de goats, sisters? Naw, we's gwine to be de sheep.
Who's gwine to be de sheep, bredern, an' who's gwine to be de goats?
Tak' care ob youh souls, sisters; tak' care ob youh souls. Remember,
dere's gwine to be goats an' sheep. Who's gwine to be de sheep an'
who's gwine to be de goats?"
Just then a solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of the
church, listening attentively, rose and said:
"Oi'll be the goat. Go on; tell us the joke, Elder. Oi'll be the
goat!"
_Where Was Bill_?
Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and last
spring he went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. The
goods were shipped immediately and reached home before he did. When
the boxes of goods were delivered at his store by the drayman his
wife happened to look at the largest; she uttered a loud cry and
called for a hammer. A neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to her
assistance and asked what was the matter. The wife, pale and faint,
pointed to an inscription on the box which read as follows;
"Bill inside."
_All That Glisters is Not Gold_
One day an Irishman was seated in the waiting-room of a station with
an odorous pipe in his mouth. One of the attendants called his
attention to the sign: "No smoking."
"Well," said Pat, "I'm not a-smokin'."
"But you have a pipe in your mouth."
"Shure, an' I've shoes on me feet an' I'm not walkin'."
_Her Affectionate Brothers_
It was Commencement Day at a well-known girls' seminary, and the
father of one of the young women came to attend the graduation
exercises. He was presented to the principal, who said, "I
congratulate you, sir, upon your extremely large and affectionate
family."
"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much
surprised.
"Yes, indeed," said the principal. "No less than twelve of your
daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take
her driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the
theatre at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."
_The Voice of the Lady_
"Life" recently printed this extremely clever sketch by Tom Masson:
It was a quiet Sunday rooming on a side street. A playful breeze had
lifted off the tarpaulin that covered the newsstand, and the
magazines were enjoying a quiet hour by themselves.
"Harper's" took occasion to edge away from "McClure's."
"Your cheapness makes me dizzy," it observed, with a superior sniff.
"My cheapness is as nothing to your dullness,", exclaimed
"McClure's," with some heat.
"Nonsense!" replied "Harper's." "Why, I once published an
interesting story."
A chorus of groans greeted this admission.
"The trouble with you fellows," observed "The Century," "is that you
do not understand the really serious side of life."
"How can we," observed "The Metropolitan," "for we have not, like
you, a humorous department? We----"
There was a commotion. While these observations were going on
"Munsey's" and "Everybody's" were having a dispute.
"I publish sillier stuff than you," said "Munsey's."
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