Observations by Mr. Dooley
Finley Peter Dunne
Part 2 out of 3
rayfuse food. That's goin' to be th' unsixpicted blow iv anny war
that th' parishes iv Europe wages again' us. They will decline
to eat. They will turn back our wheat an' pork an' short rib
sides. They'll starve us out. If left to their own resoorces,
Europe cud outstarve America in a month."
"I'm not afraid iv thim," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin I was a young
man, I cud take a runnin' jump acrost Germany or France, an' as
f'r England we'd hardly thrip over it in th' dark."
"Perhaps ye're right," said Mr. Dooley. "But if all thim gr-reat
powers, as they say thimsilves, was f'r to attack us, d'ye know
what I'd do? I'll tell ye. I'd blockade Armour an' Comp'ny an'
th' wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th'
hand that rocks th' scales in th' grocery store, is th' hand that
rules th' wurruld."
The Philippine Peace
"'Tis sthrange we don't hear much talk about th' Ph'lippeens," said
"Ye ought to go to Boston," said Mr. Dooley. "They talk about it
there in their sleep. Th' raison it's not discussed annywhere
else is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there. We don't talk
about Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they'se
nawthin' doin' in thim parts. Th' people ar-re goin' ahead,
garnerin' th' products iv th' sile, sindin' their childher to
school, worshipin' on Sundah in th' churches an' thankin' Hiven
f'r th' blessin's iv free govermint an' th' pro-tiction iv th'
flag above thim.
"So it is in th' Phi'lippeens. I know, f'r me frind Gov'nor Taft
says so, an' they'se a man that undherstands con-tintmint whin
he sees it. Ye can't thrust th' fellows that comes back fr'm th'
jools iv th' Passyfic an' tells ye that things ar-re no betther
thin they shud be undher th' shade iv th' cocoanut palm be th'
blue wathers iv th' still lagoon. They mus' be satisfied with our
rule. A man that isn't satisfied whin he's had enough is a glutton.
They're satisfied an' happy an' slowly but surely they're acquirin'
that love f'r th' govermint that floats over thim that will make
thim good citizens without a vote or a right to thrile be jury.
I know it. Guv'nor Taft says so.
"Says he: 'Th' Ph'lippeens as ye have been tol' be me young but
speechful frind, Sinitor Bivridge, who was down there f'r tin
minyits wanst an' spoke very highly an' at some lenth on th'
beauties iv th' scenery, th' Ph'lippeens is wan or more iv th'
beautiful jools in th' diadem iv our fair nation. Formerly our
fair nation didn't care f'r jools, but done up her hair with side
combs, but she's been abroad some since an' she come back with
beautiful reddish goolden hair that a tiara looks well in an' that
is betther f'r havin' a tiara. She is not as young as she was.
Th' simple home-lovin' maiden that our fathers knew has disappeared
an' in her place we find a Columbya, gintlemen, with machurer
charms, a knowledge iv Euro-peen customs an' not averse to a
cigareet. So we have pinned in her fair hair a diadem that sets
off her beauty to advantage an' holds on th' front iv th' hair,
an' th' mos' lovely pearl in this ornymint is thim sunny little
isles iv th' Passyfic. They are almost too sunny f'r me. I had
to come away.
"'To shift me language suddintly fr'm th' joolry counther an' th'
boodore, I will say that nawthin' that has been said even be th'
gifted an' scholarly sinitor, who so worthily fills part iv th'
place wanst crowded be Hendricks an' McDonald, does justice to th'
richness iv thim islands. They raise unknown quantities iv produce,
none iv which forchnitly can come into this counthry. All th'
riches iv Cathay, all th' wealth iv Ind, as Hogan says, wud look
like a second morgedge on an Apache wickeyup compared with th'
untold an' almost unmintionable products iv that gloryous domain.
Me business kept me in Manila or I wud tell ye what they are.
Besides some iv our lile subjects is gettin' to be good shots an'
I didn't go down there f'r that purpose.
"'I turn to th' climate. It is simply hivenly. No other wurrud
describes it. A white man who goes there seldom rayturns unless
th' bereaved fam'ly insists. It is jus' right. In winter enough
rain, in summer plinty iv heat. Gin'rally speakin' whin that
thropical sky starts rainin' it doesn't stop till it's impty, so
th' counthry is not subjected to th' sudden changes that afflict
more northerly climes. Whin it rains it rains; whin it shines it
shines. Th' wather frequently remains in th' air afther th' sun
has been shinin' a month or more, th' earth bein' a little overcrowded
with juice an' this gives th' atmosphere a certain cosiness that
is indescribable. A light green mould grows on th' clothes an'
is very becomin'. I met a man on th' boat comin' back who said
'twas th' finest winter climate in th' wurruld. He was be
profission a rubber in a Turkish bath. As f'r th' summers they
are delicious. Th' sun doesn't sit aloft above th' jools iv th'
Passyfic. It comes down an' mingles with th' people. Ye have
heard it said th' isles was kissed be th' sun. Perhaps bitten wud
be a betther wurrud. But th' timprachoor is frequently modified
be an eruption iv th' neighborin' volcanoes an' th' inthraduction
iv American stoves. At night a coolin' breeze fr'm th' crather
iv a volcano makes sleep possible in a hammock swung in th' ice-box.
It is also very pleasant to be able to cuk wan's dinner within wan.
"'Passin' to th' pollytical situation, I will say it is good. Not
perhaps as good as ye'ers or mine, but good. Ivry wanst in a while
whin I think iv it, an iliction is held. Unforchnitly it usually
happens that those ilicted have not yet surrindhered. In th'
Ph'lippeens th' office seeks th' man, but as he is also pursooed
be th' sojery, it is not always aisy to catch him an' fit it on
him. Th' counthry may he divided into two parts, pollytically,
--where th' insurrection continues an' where it will soon be. Th'
brave but I fear not altogether cheery army conthrols th' insurrected
parts be martiyal law, but th' civil authorities are supreme in
their own house. Th' diff'rence between civil law an' martiyal
law in th' Ph'lippeens is what kind iv coat th' judge wears. Th'
raysult is much th' same. Th' two branches wurruks in perfect
harmony. We bag thim in th' city an' they round thim up in th'
"'It is not always nicessry to kill a Filipino American right away.
Me desire is to idjacate thim slowly in th' ways an' customs iv
th' counthry. We ar-re givin' hundherds iv these pore benighted
haythen th' well-known, ol'-fashioned American wather cure. Iv
coorse, ye know how 'tis done. A Filipino, we'll say, niver heerd
iv th' histhry iv this counthry. He is met be wan iv our sturdy
boys in black an' blue iv th' Macabebee scouts who asts him to
cheer f'r Abraham Lincoln. He rayfuses. He is thin placed upon
th' grass an' given a dhrink, a baynit bein' fixed in his mouth
so he cannot rejict th' hospitality. Undher th' inflooence iv
th' hose that cheers but does not inebriate, he soon warrums or
perhaps I might say swells up to a ralization iv th' granjoor iv
his adoptive counthry. One gallon makes him give three groans f'r
th' constitchoochion. At four gallons, he will ask to be wrapped
in th' flag. At th' dew pint he sings Yankee Doodle. Occasionally
we run acrost a stubborn an' rebellyous man who wud sthrain at me
idee iv human rights an' swallow th' Passyfic Ocean, but I mus'
say mos' iv these little fellows is less hollow in their pretintions.
Nachrally we have had to take a good manny customs fr'm th'
Spanyard, but we have improved on thim. I was talkin' with a
Spanish gintleman th' other day who had been away f'r a long time
an' he said he wudden't know th' counthry. Even th' faces iv th'
people on th' sthreets had changed. They seemed glad to see him.
Among th' mos' useful Spanish customs is reconcenthration. Our
reconcenthration camps is among th' mos' thickly popylated in th'
wurruld. But still we have to rely mainly on American methods.
They are always used fin'lly in th' makin' iv a good citizen, th'
"'I have not considhered it advisable to inthrajooce anny fads
like thrile be jury iv ye'er peers into me administhration. Plain
sthraight-forward dealin's is me motto. A Filipino at his best
has on'y larned half th' jooty iv mankind. He can be thried but
he can't thry his fellow man. It takes him too long. But in time
I hope to have thim thrained to a pint where they can be good men
an' thrue at th' inquest.
"'I hope I have tol' ye enough to show ye that th' stories iv
disordher is greatly exaggerated. Th' counthry is pro-gressin'
splindidly, th' ocean still laps th' shore, th' mountains are there
as they were in Bivridge's day, quite happy apparently; th' flag
floats free an' well guarded over th' govermint offices, an' th'
cherry people go an' come on their errands--go out alone an' come
back with th' throops. Ivrywhere happiness, contint, love iv th'
shtep-mother counthry, excipt in places where there ar-re people.
Gintlemen, I thank ye.'
"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. I hope this here lucid story
will quite th' waggin' tongues iv scandal an' that people will let
th' Ph'lippeens stew in their own happiness."
"But sure they ought do something f'r thim," said Mr. Hennessy.
"They will," said Mr. Dooley. " They'll give thim a measure iv
"Whin they'll sthand still long enough to be measured," said Mr.
Soldier and Policeman
"Th' life iv a sojer though gloryous is hard," said Mr. Dooley.
"Here's me frind, Gin'ral Fustian, wan iv th' gallantest men that
has come out iv Kansas since Stormy Jordan's day, has been called
down f'r on'y suggistin' that Sinitor Hoar an' th' rest iv thim
be hanged be th' heels. I'm with th' gallant gin'ral mesilf. I'm
not sure but he'd like to hang me, though as ye know, me opinyions
on th' Ph'lippeens is varyous an' I don't give a dam ayether way.
If he runs me to earth I on'y ast him as a fellow pathrite that
he won't give me th' wather cure. Th' very thought iv it makes
me flesh creep.
"But th' prisidint called him down. Afther th' publication iv th'
fifteenth speech whin ivry colledge pro-fissor in this broad an'
fair land was undher sintince iv death fr'm th' gin'ral, th'
prisidint wrote to him sayin': 'Dear Fred: Me attintion has been
called to ye'er pathriotic utthrances in favor iv fryin' Edward
Atkinson on his own cuk shtove. I am informed be me advisers that
it can't be done. It won't fry beans. So I am compilled be th'
reg'lations iv war to give ye a good slap. How ar-re ye, ol'
commerade-in-arms? Ye ought to 've seen me on th' top iv San Joon
hill. Oh, that was th' day! Iver, me dear Fred, reprovingly but
lovingly, T. Rosenfelt, late colonel First United States Volunteers
Calv'ry, betther known as th' Rough Riders, an' ex-officio prisidint
iv th' United States.' That was wan f'r Fred. I wisht th' same
cud be handed to Gin'ral Miles. Ivry time he opins his mouth, if
'tis on'y to say 'tis a fine day--which I must say is seldom--all
they do to him is to break his back.
"'Tis a hard life, a sojer's, but a gloryous wan. I wisht me
father had enthered me f'r a martial career instead iv tachin' me
be precipt an' example to be quick on me feet. In these days whin
a man gets to be a gin'ral because he's been a long time a doctor
or because he's supprissed a naygur rite, 'tis me that wud go
boundin' up to th' top iv th' laddher.
"'Janooary wan, Private Dooley distinguished himsilf at th' Battle
iv Ogoowan in th' island iv Samar be rushin' out in a perfect hell
iv putty-balls, rice, arrers, an' harsh cries, an' seizin' th'
gin'ral iv th' Tamalese an' batin' him over th' head with his own
"'Janooary twinty: Colonel Dooley iv th' hunderth an' eighth
Macabebee scouts yisterdah administhered th' best an' muddyest
part iv th' Gingong river to Gin'ral Alfico Bim in th' prisince
iv a large an' smilin' audjeence. Th' ribil had rayfused to
communicate his plans to th' gallant colonel, but afther he had
had sufficient irrigation his conversation was more extinded. So
was th' gin'ral.
"'Feb'ry eighth: Gin'ral Dooley, th' hayro iv th' Ph'lippeens who
is at home with a large spleen which he got into him in our beautiful
island possissions made a speech before th' Locoed club las' night.
He said we shud niver give up th' Ph'lippeens which had been
wathered be some iv th best blood in our land--he might say all.
He didn't know much about th' constichoochion, but fr'm what he
heerd about it fr'm a man in his rig'mint who cud spell, it wasn't
intinded f'r use out iv coort. He thought no wan shud be ilicted
to congress undher th' rank iv major. There was much talk iv
pro-gress in lithrachoor an' science which he was in favor iv
hangin'. All th' army needed was rope enough an' all wud be well.
Th' Supreme Coort was all right but if ye wanted justice hot out
iv th' oven, ye shud see it administhered be three or four laughin'
sub-alturns on th' stumps iv threes, jus' afther lunch.
"'March eighth: Prisidint Dooley, chafin' at th' delay in th' Sinit
requirin' all civilyans to submit their opinyons on th' tariff to
th' neighborin' raycruitin' sergeant wanst a week, wint over to
th' capitol this mornin' with a file iv sojers an' arristed th'
anti-administhration foorces who are now locked up in th' barn
back iv th' White House. Th' prisidint was severely lacerated be
Sinitor Tillman durin' th' encounther.'
"Yes, sir, I'd like to be a sojer. I want to be a military man.
An' yet I niver wanted to be a polisman. 'Tis sthrange, too, f'r
if ye think it over they ain't th' lot iv diff'rence between th'
mos' ordhinry, flat-footed elbow that iver pulled wan leg afther
another to mornin' roll-call an' th' gr-reatest gin'ral that
iver wint through a war behind a band on horse. They both belong
to th' race iv round-headed men. Whin ye lenthen th' head iv a
man or dog, ye rayjooce his courage. That's thrue iv all but th'
bull-tarryer an' th' Turk. Both iv thim fight like th' divvle.
Th' jooties is much th' same but th' polisman's is harder. Th'
polisman has to fight night an' day but th' sojer on'y wanst a
month. A man's got to be five foot nine to get on th' foorce.
He can be five foot eight an' get into th' army through West Pint,
or three foot two an' get in through th' War Department. Didn't
Mike Gilligan take more chances whin he wint up to th' patch where
Red Starkey was holdin' th' fort with a Krupp gun an' took him be
th' hand an' pivoted with him out iv a window, thin me frind
Fearless Freddy win he assumed false whiskers, pretinded to be a
naygur an' stole little Aggynaldoo out iv his flat? Ye wudden't
expict a pathrolman to be promoted to be sergeant f'r kidnapin'
an organ-grinder, wud ye? An' Gilligan didn't ask f'r lave iv
absence an' go down town to th' Union Lague Club an' tell th'
assembled mannyfactherers iv axle-grease what ought to be done
with th' wather taxes. No, sir! What happened to Gilligan was at
roll-call th' nex' mornin' th' Loot says: 'Officer Gilligan, in
capturin' Starkey, ye reflicted gr-reat credit on this precinct
an' ye'er own bringin' up. But I want ye to know, officer, that
this important arrist is no excuse f'r ye goin' out an' loadin'
ye'ersilf to th' joo-pint with Hannigan's paint. Th' nex' time
ye miss pullin' ye'er box, I'll have ye up befure th' thrile boord.
Put that in ye'er pipe an' smoke it, Mike Gilligan.' An' Gilligan
"No, sir, between th' two, th' polisman's life's th' hard wan.
He can't rethreat f'r reinfoorcemints or surrindher with all th'
honors iv war. If he surrindhers, he's kilt an' if he rethreats,
his buttons comes off. He gets no soord fr'm Congress whin he
brings in Starkey be th' burnin' hair iv his head. If he's promoted
to sergeant, he's sure to be bounced be th' first rayform
administhration. He takes his ordhers, carries his stick iv timber
up hill an' down dale undher th' gleamin' stars, has nawthin' to
say but 'Move on there, now,' an' if his foot slips another
round-headed man pushes him into a cell an' a impartyal jury iv men
that's had throuble with th' polis befure convicts him heartily.
"Now, suppose Gilligan's father whin he was young had looked him
over an' said: 'Agathy, Michael's head is per-fictly round.
It's like a baseball. 'Tis so pecoolyar. An' he has a fightin'
face. 'Tis no good thryin' to tache him a thrade. Let's make a
sojer iv him.' An' he wint into th' army. If he'd done there what
he's done in th' patch, 'tis Gin'ral Gilligan he'd be be this
time--Gin'ral Gilligan stormin' th' heights iv San Joon Hill;
Gin'ral Mike Gilligan suspindin' th' haveas corpus in th' Ph'lippeens
an' th' anti-impeeryalists at home; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan capturin'
Aggynaldoo, an' he'd do it with bare hands an' without th' aid iv
a mustache; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan abolishin' th' third reader;
Gin'ral Mike Gilligan discoorsin' to th' public on 'Books I have
niver read: Series wan, th' Histhry iv th' United States.' If his
foot slips an' he grows a little cross with a pris'ner iv war on
th' way to th' station an' dhrops his soord or his club on th' top
iv him, is he up befure th' judge an' thried be a jury iv his peers?
Officer Mike, yes; Gin'ral Mike, no. Gin'ral Mike has no peers.
He raceives a letther notifyin' him that he has broken a human
skull divine an' th' reg'lations iv th' army an' must be thried.
'Who will me brave frind have go through with this here austere
but hail-fellow inquiry?' 'Oh, annywan will do. Anny iv th'
gallant lift'nants iv me brigade will do,' says Gin'ral Mike. So
th' Gin'ral is put on thrile an' a frind iv his addhresses th'
coort. 'Gintlemen,' says he, 'th' question befure th' coort is
not so much did our gallant leader hammer th' coon as whether our
flag wanst stuck up where we have wathered so many precious citizens
shall iver come down. (Th' coort: 'No, no!') That's th' pint.
What do th' people at home who know nawthin' about this here war,
excipt what we tell thim, what do they mane be subjectin' this
here hayro, gray an' bent with infirmities but pretty spry at that,
to this ignominy? He has fought f'r thim an' what have they done
f'r him? In more thin wan year he has on'y risen fr'm th' rank iv
captain to brigadier gin'ral an' his pay is less thin twinty times
what it was. (Here th' coort weeps.) I ast ye, I ast ye, ye fine
little boys, is it meet an' proper, nay, is it meat an' dhrink f'r
us, to punish him?'
"An' th' coort puts th' vardict iv acquittal in th' shape iv th'
pop'lar song 'F'r he's a jolly good fellow' an' adds a ricommindation
that Harvard colledge is gettin' too gay annyhow.
"That's th' diff'rence between sojer an' polisman. Why is it that
th' fair sect wudden't be seen talkin' to a polisman, but if ye
say 'Sojer' to thim, they're all out iv th' window but th' feet?
I want to know."
"I can't tell," said Mr. Hennessy. "I heerd a frind iv Willum J.
Bryan say we was in danger iv havin' thim run th' counthry like
they do in--in Germany, d'ye mind."
"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley. "There's too manny Gilligans not
in th' ar-rmy f'r that."
King Edward's Coronation
"Now that th' king iv Great Britain an' Ireland, but Ireland don't
know it, an' th' Dominyons beyond th' sea, f'r awhile, has been
cawrnated," said Mr. Dooley, "we can raysume where we left off."
"So it has been done at last, has it?" said Mr. Hennessy.
"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "in th' prisince iv th' mos' illusthrees
iv his subjects, except me frind Whitelaw Reid, he was cawrnated
las' Saturdah. 'Tis too bad it was put off. 'Twas got up, d'ye
mind, f'r th' thrue an' staunch subjects on this side iv th' wather.
Th' king didn't need it. He's been king all th' time. A lot iv
us knew it. All he had to do anny time was to take his caubeen
fr'm th' rack, but his subjects fr'm beyond th' sea wanted to see
a cawrnation, an' they cudden't convaniently have wan here where
th' counthry is still run be univarsal suffering an' there are a
good manny shootin' gall'ries, an' annyhow he thought he'd like
to keep on good terms with th' Captains iv Industhry f'r fear they
might get mad an' put his furniture out into th' channel an' use
th' island f'r storin' ex-prisidints. So he got up th' cawrnation.
An' afther all, most iv thim didn't see it. They had to come
home here where they were born an' lave th' land where they expict
to die an' will, too, if they an' us have luck.
"But 'twas a gorgyous spicticle annyhow, Hinnissy. F'r weeks an'
weeks some iv th' finest minds in Europe has been debatin' whether
th' king shud stand on th' Earl iv Whinkie or th' markess iv
Ballyhoo durin' th' ceremony. It was decided that th' honor shud
go to th' noble earl, but that it was th' privilege iv th' noble
markess that his majesty shud put his feet on his back whin he set
down. Th' king ain't supposed to do annything f'r himsilf but go
up an' be cawrnated. At ivry turn they must be a jook or somebody
akelly as good to pull his tie sthraight, hand him his gloves, an'
haul his coat down whin it gets up over th' collar. An' ivrybody
cudden't do it, mind ye. It had to be done be th' right party,
whose folks had done it f'r other kings. I've been readin' about
it an' I've come to th' con-clusion, Hinnissy, that th' Scotch
nobility is mos'ly dayscinded fr'm tailors.
"Annyhow, these here mighty questions was all decided accoordin'
to th' rules iv th' game, whin wan day I read in th' pa-aper: 'Th'
king dines with Wall sthreet magnates. Jools missin' fr'm th'
crown.' Ye see, th' hat had not been out f'r a long time an' whin
they come to get it fr'm th' box, 'twas found that manny iv th'
vallyable gems in th' band was missin'. I don't know whether 'tis
thrue or not, but 'tis said that th' ancesthors iv th' prisint
king, bein' hard up, was used to pick a jool out iv th' hat iv a
Saturdah night an' go down to Mose at th' corner an' get something
on it. An' whin times was slack an' th' ponies backward, they
cudden't get th' jools out, so they cut a piece fr'm th' window
an' pasted it in. It looked f'r awhile as though th' king wud
have to be cawrnated be a glazier. They cudden't find th' tickets
high or low. It wudden't do to cawrnate him in a glass hat, an'
there was gr-reat thribylations, but Pierpont Morgan come along at
th' right moment an' give thim a handful iv his unimportant jools
an' th' hat was properly decorated. Fr'm that time on we saw that
if we were to get th' worth iv our money, we'd have to do th' job
oursilves, an' ivrybody turned in to help our depindant cousins.
Andhrew Carnaygie lint Wistminsther Abbey which was superbly
dicorated with tapestries lint be J. Pierpont Morgan; Yerkes lint
thim th' sthreets; Frohman th' theatres; th' American syndicate
give thim th' use iv th' river, an' a hundherd thousand lile
American hearts an' lungs lint thim a pathriotic howl that made
th' king jump ivry time he heerd it.
"An' th' American duchesses! Were they there? Look in th' pa-apers.
I sometimes wondher whin I read th' palajeems iv our liberties
whether an English nobleman iver marries at home. Is it a law
that prevints thim fr'm marryin' thim fresh-faced, clear-eyed
daughters iv ol' Albion or is it fear? Annyhow, th' American
duchesses is about all there is to it in London. They were at th'
cawrnation, ye bet. They were th' cawrnation. They bore th'
thrain iv th' queen. No wan can lift a thrain betther or higher
thin a free-born American lady. At th' side iv her majesty walked
th' beautiful Duchess iv Binkie-whistle, born Lucy hicks iv Dobbs
Ferry. Th' Duchess' father an' mother come over las' week with
their respictive fam'lies, an' it is undhershtud that wan iv th'
happiest ivints iv th' whole glad cawrnation season was th'
determination iv Ma Hicks to devote her alimony intire to rebuildin'
th' ancesthral mansion iv th' jook. Pa Hicks, not to be outdone,
announced that he wud add th' rent derived fr'm th' ancesthral
mansion iv th' duchess, which is now used as a livery stable.
"An' so th' gr-reat ivint come off. I won't describe it to ye.
It's been done betther thin I cud do it be a fearless press. Ye
know ye'ersilf how th' pro-cission winded its way through th'
sthreets; how Wistminsther Abbey was crowded with peers an'
peeresses, an' what a mighty shout wint up fr'm Willum Waldorf
Astor whin he come in an' sat on his hat near th' dure. It was
all right. First come th' prelates backin' to'rd th' althar.
Thin all th' jooks bowin' low. Thin th' queen, attinded be a bevy
iv American duchesses. Thin th' king lookin' ivry inch a
king--sixty-four be sixty-two in all. Thin th' Rile Shoes, th'
Rile Socks, th' Rile Collar an' Cuffs, an' th' Rile Hat borne be
th' hereditary Sockbearers, Shoesters, Collariferios, an' th' High
an' Magnificint Lid-Lord (in chains). Suddenly all is silent. A
hush falls on th' assimblage, broken on'y be a low, sad cry.
Willum Waldorf Astor has fainted.
"An' so, says th' pa-aper, in th' prisince iv th' mighty dead an'
th' mighty near dead, among th' surroundings that recalled th'
days iv shivaree an' in an atmosphere full iv aristocratic
assocyations, on account iv th' vintilation bein' poor, Albert
Edward Ernest Pathrick Arthur, king, definder iv th' faith, put
on his hat. Th' organ pealed off a solemn peal, th' cannons boomed,
th' duchesses et hard-biled eggs out iv a paper bag, an' a pale
man in silk tights wept over th' tomb iv Major Andhre. It was
Joseph Chote. That night all Great Britain rejoiced, fr'm wan
end iv Ireland to th' other th' lile popylace showed their joy
an' th' sky was lit up be hundherds iv burnin' barns an' a salute
iv forty-four guns was fired in th' County Kerry at a landlord's
agent comin' home fr'm a ball.
"I hope he'll make a good king. I ain't so much down on kings as
I used to be, Hinnissy. I ain't down on thim anny more because I
don't invy thim, an' ye can't be down on anny man ye don't invy.
'Tis a hard job an' a thankless wan. A king nowadays is no more
thin a hitchin' post f'r wan pollytician afther another. He ain't
allowed to move himsilf, but anny crazy pollytician that ties up
to him is apt to pull him out be th' roots. He niver has anny
childhood. He's like th' breaker-boys in th' mines; he's put to
wurruk larnin' his thrade as soon as he can walk. Whin it comes
time f'r him to marry, th' prime ministher takes him out wan day
an' says: 'There's th' on'y woman in th' wurruld f'r ye.' 'But I
niver see her befure,' says th' unforchnit king. 'Ye'll see less
iv her afther nex' week,' says th' prime ministher. 'Ye're goin'
to marry her,' he says. An' he backs him up to th' bench where
th' young lady sets an' inthrajooces thim an' they're marrid.
Think iv havin' th' boord iv aidhermen silict a wife f'r ye an'
ye'll know how th' king feels whin a warrant is sarved again' him
to hook up with his cousin Agoosta Ann, a German lady who freckles
aisily an' croshays neckties f'r a lift'nant in th' army. All his
life long a king is bossed about like a hired girl in a boardin'
house, an' he can't aven die without havin' a lot iv people runnin'
in ivry tin minyits to ask has he done it yet so they can be on
th' mark to holler 'God save th' king' out iv th' front window th'
moment th' flag falls. No, sir; I don't want to be a king an'
whiniver I see a good fellow takin' th' job, I feel sorry f'r him.
I know what he is up again'."
"I believe ye're no betther thin th' rest iv thim thraitors," said
"I'm diff'rent," said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "They helped him in an'
I'd do annything in me power, now that he is king, to help him out."
One Advantage of Poverty
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "ye ought to be glad ye're not sick
an' illusthrees at th' same time."
"How's that?" Mr. Hennessy demanded.
"Well, ye see," said Mr. Dooley, "suppose annything happens to ye
now; a fellow counthryman dhrops a hammer on ye th' day afther th'
picnic or ye'er di-gestion listens to a walkin' dillygate fr'm th'
Union iv Microbes an' goes out on sthrike. Th' polisman on th'
corner has th' usual suspicions among gintlemen an' hits ye over
th' head an' calls th' wagon an' sinds ye home. Th' good woman
wrings her hands an' calls Hiven to witness that if ye have a
toothache ye wake th' neighborhood, an' slaps a mustard plasther
on ye. If she comes back later an' finds ye haven't put th' sheet
between ye an' th' plasther an' gone to sleep, she knows 'tis
seeryous an' sinds f'r th' doctor. We continyoo to have doctors
in what th' pa-apers calls th' outlyin' wards. They live above
th' dhrug-store an' practice midicine on us. Th' physicians an'
surgeons are all down town editin' th' pa-apers. Well, dock comes
to ye afther awhile in a buggy. On th' way up he sets a broken
leg, removes an arm, does a little something f'r th' city directhry,
takes a dhrink, talks pollyticks with th' unhappy parent an' fin'lly
lands at ye'er dure with th' burglar's tools. Afther he's closed
that dure th' secrets iv th' inner man is known on'y to him. No
wan hears or wants to hear annything about it. Th' nex' time we
see ye, ye come out lookin' pale an' emacyated an' much younger
an' betther lookin' thin annywan iver raymimbers seein' ye, an'
afther awhile ye obsarve that whin ye start to tell how manny
stitches it took an' what ye see whin ye smelled th' dizzy sponge,
ye'er frinds begin to sprint away. An' ye go back reluctantly to
wurruk. Ye niver hear annywan say: 'Hinnissy is great comp'ny whin
he begins to talk about his sickness.' I've seen men turn fr'm a
poor, helpless, enthusyastic invalid to listen to a man talkin'
about th' Nicaragoon canal.
"But with th' great 'tis far diff'rent. I've often thanked th'
Lord that I didn't continyoo in pollytics whin I was cap'n iv me
precinct, f'r with th' eyes iv all th' wurruld focussed, as Hogan
says, on me, I cud niver injye th' pleasure iv a moment's sickness
without people in far-off Boolgahrya knowin' whether me liver was
on sthraight. Sickness is wan iv th' privileges iv th' poor man
that he shares with no wan. Whin it comes kindly to him, th' four
walls iv his room closes in on him like a tent, folks goes by on
th' other side iv th' sthreet, th' rollin' mill disappears, an'
with th' mornin' comes no honest day's tile. He lies there in
blessid idleness an' no matther what's th' matther with him, he
don't suffer half as much pain as he would in pursoot iv two dollars
a day. I knowed a man wanst who used to take his vacations that
way. Whin others wint off f'r to hunt what Hogan calls th' finny
monsthers iv th' deep, he become seeryously ill an' took to bed.
It made him very sthrong.
"But suppose I hadn't resigned fr'm cap'n iv me precinct whin I
was defeated. If annything had happened to me, ye'd pick up th'
pa-apers an' see: 'Seeryous news about th' Cap'n iv th' twinty-sicond
precinct iv th' sixth ward. He has brain fever. He has not. He
got in a fight with a Swede an' had his ribs stove in. He fell
out iv th' window iv a joolry store he was burglarizin' an' broke
th' left junction iv th' sizjymoid cartilage. Th' throuble with
th' Cap'n is he dhrinks too much. A man iv his age who has been
a soak all his life always succumbs to anny throuble like
hyperthroopily iv th' cranium. Docthor Muggers, dean iv th' Post
Gradyate Vethrinary school iv Osteopathy says he had a similar
case las' year in Mr. Hinnery Haitch Clohessy, wan iv th' best
known citizens iv this city. Like th' Cap, Mr. Clohessy was a
high liver, a heavy dhrinker, a gambler an' a flirt. Th' cases
are almost identical. Owin' to th' code iv pro-fissional eethics
Dr. Muggers cud not tell th' bereaved fam'ly what ailed Misther
Clohessy, but it was undoubtedly his Past Life.'
"Thin come th' doctors. Not wan doctor, Hinnissy, to give ye a
whiff out iv a towel an' make ye sleep f'r an hour an' wake up an'
say 'I fooled ye. Whin do ye begin?' No, but all iv thim. They
escort th' prisoner up th' sthreet in a chariot, an' th' little
newsboys runs alongside sellin' exthry papers. 'Our night edition
will print th' inside facts about Cap Dooley's condition, an' th'
Cap himsilf with a cinematograph iv th' jolly proceedin's be Dock
Laparatonny.' What happens to th' criminal at first is th' same
as if he was a dacint, wurrukin' man. But whin that is done, an'
'tis gettin' so aisy they tell me they'se not much diff'rence
between a good clam-salesman an' a first-class surgeon, th' lithry
wurruk begins. Ye think 'tis all over whin ye say: 'Dock, put
ye'er hand undher th' pillow an' take what's there.' But not so.
Th' assembled docks adjourn to a large hall an' prepare th' story
iv 'Cap Dooley; a Stormy Career. Be wan who knows.'
"'Upon seein' th' Cap, we at once diagnosed th' case as
peritclipalitickipantilitisitis, or chicken bone in th' throat.
Dr. Pincers operated, Dr. Smothers administhered th' annysthetic,
Dr. Hygeen opened th' window, Dr. Anodyne turned on th' gas, Dr.
Aluompaine turned th' pitchers to th' wall, Dr. Rambo looked out
th' window, Docthors Peroxide, Gycal, Cephalgern, Antipyreen an'
Coltar took a walk in th' park, an' Doctor Saliclate figured up
th' bill. As we have said we diagnosed th' case as above. We
can't raymimber th' name. It depinds on how th' syllables came
out iv th' hat. We were wrong, although what we see whin we got
in more thin made up f'r th' error. We made a long incision fr'm
th' chin down an' another acrost an' not findin' what we expicted,
but manny things that ought to be kept fr'm th' fam'ly, we put th'
Cap back an' wint on. Th' op'ration was a complete success. Th'
wretch is restin an' swearin' easily. We have given him a light
meal iv pickles an' antiseptic oats, an' surgical science havin'
done its duty, mus' lave th' rest to Nature, which was not in th'
consultation, bein' considhered be some iv us, slightly irregular.
(Signed) Look at our names: 'Pincers, Anodyne, Peroxide, Smothers,
Coltar, Antipyreen, Cepalgeen, Alicompane, Gycal, Hygeen, Rambo,
"But that's nawthin'. If ye think they'se annything ye wud like
to keep up ye'er sleeve, look f'r it in th' pa-apers. 'Th' followin'
facts is stated on th' authority iv wan iv th' attindin' surgeons:
Cap Dooley cut up terribly undher th' chloryform, singin' songs,
swearin' an' askin' f'r Lucy. His wife's name is Annamariar. She
was in th' adjinin' room. It seems they have had throuble. Th'
room was poorly furnished. Th' Cap's clothes was much worn as was
most iv him. He must have led a shockin' life. It is doubtful
if he will iver raycover f'r he is very, very old. He has been
concealin' his age f'r manny years. He is a notoryous profligate,
as was well shown be th' view we had. Th' flash light pitcher iv
th' Cap will appeal to all who know his inner histhry.'
"An' there ye ar-re. Think iv a man comin' out in th' light iv
day afther all that. He can't get on clothes enough to cover him.
He may bear himsilf with a haughty manner, but he feels that ivry
man he meets knows more about him thin he knows himsilf. Th'
fellow on th' sthreet has been within th' walls. He's sayin' to
himsilf: 'Ye're a hollow sham composed akelly iv impaired organs
an' antiseptic gauze.' To th' end iv his life, he'll niver be
annything more thin an annytomical chart to his frinds. His privacy
is over f'river, f'r what good can it do annywan, Hinnissy, to
pull down th' blinds iv his bed room if ivrybody knows exactly th'
size, shape an' location iv his spleen?
"No, sir, if I've got to be sick, give me th' ordhn'ry dacencies
iv poverty. I don't want anny man to know anny more about me thin
he can larn fr'm th' handiwork iv Marks, th' tailor, an' Schmitt,
th' shoemaker, an' fr'm th' deceitful expression iv me face. If
I have a bad heart, let him know it be me eyes. On me vest is
written: 'Thus far an' no farther.' They'se manny a man on intimate
terms with th' King iv England to-day that don't know anny more
about me thin that I'm broadcloth on Sundah an' serge on week days.
An' I don't intind they shall. I hide behind th' privileges iv
me position an' say: 'Fellow-citizens, docks an' journalists, I
cannot inthrajooce ye to th' Inner Man. He's a reecloose an'
avarse to s'ciety. He's modest an' shy an' objects to callers.
Ye can guess what kind iv man I am but I wudden't have ye know.'
An' I can do that as long as I stay poor."
"I'm glad I'm poor," said Mr. Hennessy.
"It gives ye less to talk about but more to think about," said Mr.
The Fighting Word
"That man Bailey iv Texas f'r me ivry time," said Mr. Dooley.
"What's he been doin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"He done me frind Biv'ridge iv Injyanny," said Mr. Dooley. "An'
I'm f'r him f'r leader iv th' party. He's wan iv th' best two-handed
orators in th' sinit or annywhere. He has a wondherful left an'
his repartee with th' right is said to be very stingin'. He's
inthrajooced th' sthrangle holt be means iv which th' debate can
be suddenly cut off. He's me ideel leader.
"I want a leader who's got a good grip on public affairs an' men,
who can take hold iv anny question or anny raypublican an' choke
it or him till they're black in th' face. Bailey's th' boy. I
followed Tillman f'r awhile, but he's gone back. He belongs to
th' ol' school iv parlymintaryans, th' same that Jawn L. Sullivan
belongs to. He's clever f'r an old 'un an' I'd be willin' to back
him again anny raypublican in New England at catch-weights. His
reply to Sinitor McLaurin was said to be wan iv th' quickest iver
heerd since th' days iv Dan'l Webster. It laid open th' scalp.
But they tell me Tillman's speeches is not what Hogan calls
impromptchu. He rehearses thim ivry mornin' with a punchin'-bag.
Bailey is more iv a nachral debater. No holds barred with him.
Hand or fut, 'tis all th' same.
"What was it all about, says ye? Well, ye see this sinitor fr'm
Injyanny, me frind Jeremiah Biv'ridge made a mos' insultin' remark
to Misther Bailey. What did he say? I mustn't tell ye. No, no,
'tis too horrible. Well, if ye must hear it, close th' dure an'
pull down th' blinds. Whisper! There! There ye have it. I blush
to raypeat th' wurruds. To think that anny man shud so demean
himsilf as to imagine such a thing, lave alone say it. But he
did--right out in th' Sinit befure Hinnery Cabin Lodge. Oh, it
was turr'ble. Here it is in th' pa-apers: 'Misther Biv'ridge said
th' st-t-m-nts iv th' hon'rable sinitor fr'm Texas was unw-r-nted.'
Modesty where was thy blush? as Shakespere says. Now, th' sinitors
iv th' United States is not aisily shocked. That's not th' way
ye get into th' Sinit. Th' bright blush iv shame hasn't been used
there more thin twice since th' war. Ye can say almost annything
ye like to a sinitor. Ye can say he wanst stole a horse, that
he's livin' undher an assumed name, that he was made be a thrust,
that his on'y nourishment is beets, or that he belongs to New York
s'ciety, an' th' Sinit will on'y yawn. But wanst even hint that
his such-an'-such is so-an'-so (I will not repeat th' heejous
wurruds) an' ye mus' hurry an' slip on th' brass knuckles, f'r
they'se a slap comin' to ye.
"Here's what happened: 'Sinitor Bailey stepped quickly over Sinitors
Hoar, Mason, Quay, an' others an' made f'r where Sinitor Biv'ridge
was quitely smokin' a cigar an' talkin' to himsilf. Sinitor Bailey
says: "Hon'rable sir, ye must withdraw that loathsome insinooation
again' me good name," he says. "I have not led a pure life. No
man has. I don't claim to be anny betther thin others. But no
wan befure has iver said about me such things as these, an' if ye
don't take thim back at wanst, I'll kill ye, I'll choke ye, I'll
give ye a poke in th' eye," he says. "I cannot consint," says th'
bold sinitor fr'm Injyanny, "I cannot consint to haul back me
epithet. It wud not be sinitoryal courtesy," he says. "Thin,"
says Sinitor Bailey, "here goes f'r an assault an' batthry." An'
with a gesture iv th' thrue orator, he seized him be th' throat.
Th' debate become gin'ral. Sinitor Spooner iv Wisconsin led f'r
th' raypublicans an' Sinitor Morgan iv Alabama counthered f'r th'
dimmycrats. Sinitor Platt made a very happy retort with a chair,
to which Sinitor Gorman replied with a sintintious cuspidor. Owin'
to th' excitin' nature iv th' debate on'y a few iv th' best remarks
reached th' gall'ry, wan iv thim, a piece iv hard coal, layin' out
a riprisintative iv th' Sultan iv Zulu. At th' hospital he declared
himsilf much imprissed. Durin' th' proceedin's Biv'ridge acted
in th' mos' gintlemanly an' even ladylike manner. His face wore
a smile iv complete sang fraud or pain, an' he niver took his cigar
fr'm his mouth wanst. Indeed, it was siv'ral hours befure th'
Havana cud be exthracted be th' surgeon who was called in. While
th' debate was in progress, a pitcher iv Thomas Jefferson was
obsarved to give a slight moan an' turn its face to th' wall. Th'
Sinit thin took up routine business an' th' janitor swept up th'
hair an' neckties. Sinitor Biv'ridge was not much hurt. Th'
tinder outside iv th' wind-pipe was somewhat bruised, but th'
wurrukin' inside is still intact.'
"'Twas a pretty scene, Hinnissy, an' wan that makes me proud iv
Bailey f'r his courage in pouncin' on his collague; iv Biv'ridge
f'r th' manly self resthraint an' rayspict f'r th' dignity iv th'
Sinit that par'lyzes a man's hands whin his wind is cut off; iv
our noble counthry that projooces such sturdy sons, iv th' Sinit
that brings thim together in a clinch an' iv mesilf because I
wasn't there. I'm with Bailey. Bailey f'r prisidint! Bailey or
bust or choke!
"I'm not sure that if I was in th' same place I'd do th' same
thing. But I'm no statesman. Who am I to say that what wudden't
be manners in a bar-room is not all right in th' Sinit? Diff'rent
men has diff'rent raisons f'r fightin'. Ivry man will fight. Ye
can bet on that. A brave man will fight because he is brave an'
a cow'rd because he is a cow'rd. All men will fight an' all men
will run. Some will fight befure they'll run, but they'll run;
some men will run befure they'll fight, but they'll fight. They'se
a pretty good fight an' a pretty fast run in ivry man I know. Th'
debate in th' Sinit don't prove annything about th' merits iv
ayether pug. In some other circumstances, Biv'ridge might have
hunted Bailey up a three. It happened to be Bailey's day.
"As I get on in years, I believe less in fightin'. 'Tis a turr'ble
thing to see th' aged an' infirm swingin' away at each other.
'Tis so unscientific. I hate to think iv a man with one leg in
th' grave usin' th' other to thrip th' free foot iv a fellow aged.
I'm glad Bailey an' Biv'ridge ar-re young men. What a scandal if
Sinitor Cullom an' Sinitor Morgan shud mix it up! Wan iv th' things
a man larns as he grows old is to dislike fightin'. He dislikes
annything he can't do as well as he cud. I'm that way. But I
wasn't always so. No, sir. They was a time whin I'd fight at th'
dhrop iv a hat, f'r money or marbles or pool checks, f'r th' good
name iv women or th' revarse, f'r political principles or unprincipled
politics, f'r th' gate receipts, f'r me relligion, f'r th' look
iv th' thing, because th' barkeeper heard what he said, because he
whispered to her, f'r th' sacred theery that th' buildin's is higher
in Chicago thin in New York, f'r th' fun iv th' thing, an' f'r th'
Fight. That last's th' best iv all. A man that won't fight f'r
th' fight itsilf is no rale fighter. I don't know what wud make
me fight nowadays. I know lots iv things that wud make me want
to fight, but I've larned to repress me desires. Me heart is full
iv song but I've lost me voice. In me dhreams I'm always punchin'
somebody's head. I shall niver f'rget th' night whin I put Jeffries
out iv th' business with wan well-directed punch an' me in me bare
feet, too. I can niver f'rget it f'r I fell out iv bed and bumped
me head again' th' rocker iv a chair. But in me wakin' hours, I'm
a man iv vi'lent impulses an' peaceful raysults. In a fight I'd
be like a deef-mute in a debatin' s'ciety. But as I said, Hinnissy,
they was a day whin th' lightest wurrud was an insult. Nowadays
I say to mesilf: 'Considher th' soorce. How can such a low blaggard
as that insult me? Jus' because some dhrunken wretch chooses to
apply a foul epitaph to me, am I goin' to dignify him be knockin'
him down in th' public sthreet an' p'raps not, an' gettin' th'
head beat off me? No, sir. I will raymimber me position in th'
community. I will pass on with a smile iv bitter contempt. Maybe
I'd betther run a little.'
"Th' las' throuble I got into I begun to think iv th' new suit I
had on an' I knew me warryor days was over. Whin a man raymimbers
his clothes or his appearance in battle, 'tis high time f'r him
to retire fr'm th' ring. Th' ca'm, almost deathlike smile that
rests upon a man's face whin another man is cloutin' him about is
on'y th' outward exprission iv something about two numbers up th'
chest fr'm sea sickness. That's all I've got to say about fightin'.
Ye can't lay down anny rules about it."
"Ye niver will go to th' Sinit with thim views," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I don't want to," said Mr. Dooley. "Some day th' Sinit will be
Home Life of Geniuses
"A woman ought to be careful who she marries," said Mr. Dooley.
"So ought a man," said Mr. Hennessy, with feeling.
"It don't make so much diff'rence about him," said Mr. Dooley.
"Whin a man's marrid, he's a marrid man. That's all ye can say
about him. Iv coorse, he thinks marredge is goin' to change th'
whole current iv his bein', as Hogan says. But it doesn't. Afther
he's been hooked up f'r a few months, he finds he was marrid befure,
even if he wasn't, which is often th' case, d'ye mind. Th' first
bride iv his bosom was th' Day's Wurruk, an' it can't be put off.
They'se no groun's f'r dissolvin' that marredge, Hinnissy. Ye
can't say to th' Day's Wurruk: 'Here, take this bunch iv alimony
an' go on th' stage.' It turns up at breakfast about th' fourth
month afther th' weddin' an' creates a scandal. Th' unforchnit
man thries to shoo it off but it fixes him with its eye an' hauls
him away fr'm the bacon an' eggs, while the lady opposite weeps
and wondhers what he can see in annything so old an' homely. It
says, 'Come with me, aroon,' an' he goes. An' afther that he
spinds most iv his time an' often a good deal iv his money with
th' enchantress. I tell ye what, Hinnissy, th' Day's Wurruk has
broke up more happy homes thin comic opry. If th' coorts wud
allow it, manny a woman cud get a divorce on th' groun's that her
husband cared more f'r his Day's Wurruk thin he did f'r her.
'Hinnissy varsus Hinnissy; corryspondint, th' Day's Wurruk.' They'd
be ividince that th' defindant was seen ridin' in a cab with th'
corryspondint, that he took it to a picnic, that he wint to th'
theaytre with it, that he talked about it in his sleep, an' that,
lost to all sinse iv shame, he even escoorted it home with him an'
inthrajooced it to his varchoos wife an' innocint childher. So
it don't make much diff'rence who a man marries. If he has a job,
"But with a woman 'tis diff'rent. Th' man puts down on'y part iv
th' bet. Whin he's had enough iv th' convarsation that in Union
Park undher th' threes med him think he was talkin' with an
intellechool joyntess, all he has to do is to put on his coat,
grab up his dinner pail an' go down to th' shops, to be happy
though marrid. But a woman, I tell ye, bets all she has. A man
don't have to marry but a woman does. Ol' maids an' clargymen do
th' most good in th' wurruld an' we love thim f'r th' good they
do. But people, especially women, don't want to be loved that
way. They want to he loved because people can't help lovin' thim
no matther how bad they are. Th' story books that ye give ye'er
daughter Honoria all tell her 'tis just as good not to be marrid.
She reads about how kind Dorothy was to Lulu's childher an' she
knows Dorothy was th' betther woman, but she wants to be Lulu.
Her heart, an' a cold look in th' eye iv th' wurruld an' her Ma
tell her to hurry up. Arly in life she looks f'r th' man iv her
choice in th' tennis records; later she reads th' news fr'm th'
militia encampmint; thin she studies th' socyal raygisther; further
on she makes hersilf familyar with Bradsthreets' rayports, an'
fin'lly she watches th' place where life presarvers are hangin'.
"Now, what kind iv a man ought a woman to marry? She oughtn't to
marry a young man because she'll grow old quicker thin he will;
she oughtn't to marry an old man because he'll be much older befure
he's younger; she oughtn't to marry a poor man because he may
become rich an' lose her; she oughtn't to marry a rich man because
if he becomes poor, she can't lose him; she oughtn't to marry a
man that knows more thin she does, because he'll niver fail to
show it, an' she oughtn't to marry a man that knows less because
he may niver catch up. But above all things she mustn't marry a
janius. A flure-walker, perhaps; a janius niver.
"I tell ye this because I've been r-readin' a book Hogan give
me, about th' divvle's own time a janius had with his fam'ly. A
cap iv industhry may have throuble in his fam'ly till there isn't
a whole piece iv chiny in th' cupboard, an' no wan will be the
wiser f'r it but th' hired girl an' th' doctor that paints th'
black eye. But ivrybody knows what happens in a janius' house.
Th' janius always tells th' bartinder. Besides he has other
janiuses callin' on him, an' 'tis th' business iv a janius to write
about th' domestic throubles iv other janiuses so posterity'll
know what a hard thing it is to be a janius. I've been readin'
this book iv Hogan's an' as I tell ye, 'tis about th' misery a
wretched woman inflicted on a pote's life.
"'Our hayro,' says th' author,' at this peeryod conthracted an
unforchnit alliance that was destined to cast a deep gloom over
his career. At th' age iv fifty, afther a life devoted to th'
pursoot iv such gayety as janiuses have always found niciss'ry to
solace their avenin's, he marrid a young an' beautiful girl some
thirty-two years his junior. This wretched crather had no
appreciation iv lithrachoor or lithry men. She was frivolous an'
light-minded an' ividintly considhered that nawthin' was rally
lithrachoor that cudden't be thranslated into groceries. Niver
shall I f'rget th' expression iv despair on th' face iv this godlike
man as he came into Casey's saloon wan starry July avenin' an'
staggered into his familyar seat, holdin' in his hand a bit iv
soiled paper which he tore into fragmints an' hurled into th' coal
scuttle. On that crumpled parchmint findin' a sombre grave among
th' disinterred relics iv an age long past, to wit, th' cariboniferious
or coal age, was written th' iver-mim'rable pome: "Ode to Gin."
Our frind had scribbled it hastily at th' dinner iv th'
Betther-thin-Shakespere Club, an' had attimpted to read it to his
wife through th' keyhole iv her bedroom dure an' met no response
fr'm th' fillystein but a pitcher iv wather through th' thransom.
Forchnitly he had presarved a copy on his cuff an' th' gem was
not lost to posterity. But such was th' home life iv wan iv th'
gr-reatest iv lithry masters, a man indowed be nachure with all
that shud make a woman adore him as is proved be his tindher
varses: 'To Carrie,' 'To Maude,' 'To Flossie,' 'To Angehel,' 'To
Queenie,' an' so foorth. De Bonipoort in his cillybrated 'Mimores,'
in which he tells ivrything unpleasant he see or heerd in his
frinds' houses, gives a sthrikin' pitcher iv a scene that happened
befure his eyes. 'Afther a few basins iv absceenthe in th' reev
gosh,' says he, 'Parnassy invited us home to dinner. Sivral iv
th' bum vivonts was hard to wake up, but fin'lly we arrived at th'
handsome cellar where our gr-reat frind had installed his unworthy
fam'ly. Ivrything pinted to th' admirable taste iv th' thrue
artist. Th' tub, th' washboard, th' biler singin' on th' fire,
th' neighbor's washin' dancin' on the clothes rack, were all in
keepin' with th' best ideels iv what a pote's home shud be. Th'
wife, a faded but still pretty woman, welcomed us more or less,
an' with th' assistance iv sivral bottles iv paint we had brought
with us, we was soon launched on a feast iv raison an' a flow iv
soul. Unhappily befure th' raypast was con-cluded a mis'rable
scene took place. Amid cries iv approval, Parnassy read his
mim'rable pome intitled: 'I wisht I nivir got marrid.' Afther
finishin' in a perfect roar of applause, he happened to look up
an' see his wife callously rockin' th' baby. With th' impetchosity
so charackteristic iv th' man, he broke a soup plate over her head
an' burst into tears on th' flure, where gentle sleep soon soothed
th' pangs iv a weary heart. We left as quitely as we cud,
considherin' th' way th' chairs was placed, an' wanst undher th'
stars comminted on th' ir'ny iv fate that condimned so great a man
to so milancholy a distiny.
"'This,' says our author, 'was th' daily life iv th' hayro f'r tin
years. In what purgatory will that infamous woman suffer if Hiven
thinks as much iv janiuses as we think iv oursilves. Forchnitly
th' pote was soon to be marcifully relieved. He left her an' she
marrid a boorjawce with whom she led a life iv coarse happiness.
It is sad to relate that some years aftherward th' great pote,
havin' called to make a short touch on th' woman f'r whom he had
sacryficed so much, was unfeelingly kicked out iv th' boorjawce's
"So, ye see, Hinnissy, why a woman oughtn't to marry a janius.
She can't be cross or peevish or angry or jealous or frivolous or
annything else a woman ought to be at times f'r fear it will get
into th' ditchn'ry iv bio-graphy, an' she'll go down to histhry
as a termygant. A termygant, Hinnissy, is a woman who's heerd
talkin' to her husband after they've been marrid a year. Hogan
says all janiuses was unhappily marrid. I guess that's thrue iv
their wives, too. He says if ye hear iv a pote who got on with
his fam'ly, scratch him fr'm ye'er public lib'ry list. An' there
"Ye know a lot about marredge," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I do," said Mr. Dooley.
"Ye was niver marrid?"
"No," said Mr. Dooley. "No, I say, givin' three cheers. I know
about marredge th' way an asthronomer knows about th' stars. I'm
studyin' it through me glass all th' time."
"Ye're an asthronomer," said Mr. Hennessy; "but," he added, tapping
himself lightly on the chest, "I'm a star."
"Go home," said Mr. Dooley crossly, "befure th' mornin' comes to
put ye out."
"Why is it," asked Mr. Hennessy, "that a rayform administhration
always goes to th' bad?"
"I'll tell ye," said Mr. Dooley. "I tell ye ivrything an' I'll
tell ye this. In th' first place 'tis a gr-reat mistake to think
that annywan ra-aly wants to rayform. Ye niver heerd iv a man
rayformin' himsilf. He'll rayform other people gladly. He likes
to do it. But a healthy man'll niver rayform while he has th'
strenth. A man doesn't rayform till his will has been impaired
so he hasn't power to resist what th' pa-apers calls th' blandishments
iv th' timpter. An' that's thruer in politics thin annywhere else.
"But a rayformer don't see it. A rayformer thinks he was ilicted
because he was a rayformer, whin th' thruth iv th' matther is he
was ilicted because no wan knew him. Ye can always ilict a man
in this counthry on that platform. If I was runnin' f'r office,
I'd change me name, an' have printed on me cards: 'Give him a
chanst; he can't be worse.' He's ilicted because th' people don't
know him an' do know th' other la-ad; because Mrs. Casey's oldest
boy was clubbed be a polisman, because we cudden't get wather above
th' third story wan day, because th' sthreet car didn't stop f'r
us, because th' Flannigans bought a pianny, because we was near
run over be a mail wagon, because th' saloons are open Sundah night,
because they're not open all day, an' because we're tired seein'
th' same face at th' window whin we go down to pay th' wather taxes.
Th' rayformer don't know this. He thinks you an' me, Hinnissy,
has been watchin' his spotless career f'r twinty years, that we've
read all he had to say on th' evils iv pop'lar sufferage befure
th' Society f'r the Bewildermint iv th' Poor, an' that we're achin'
in ivry joint to have him dhrag us be th' hair iv th' head fr'm
th' flowin' bowl an' th' short card game, make good citizens iv
us an' sind us to th' pinitinchry. So th' minyit he gets into th'
job he begins a furyous attimpt to convart us into what we've been
thryin' not to be iver since we come into th' wurruld.
"In th' coorse iv th' twinty years that he spint attimptin' to get
office, he managed to poke a few warrum laws conthrollin' th'
pleasures iv th' poor into th' stachoo book, because no wan cared
about thim or because they made business betther f'r th' polis,
an' whin he's in office, he calls up th' Cap'n iv the polis an'
says he: 'If these laws ar-re bad laws th' way to end thim is to
enfoorce thim.' Somebody told him that, Hinnissy. It isn't thrue,
d'ye mind. I don't care who said it, not if 'twas Willum Shakespere.
It isn't thrue. Laws ar-re made to throuble people an' th' more
throuble they make th' longer they stay on th' stachoo book. But
th' polis don't ast anny questions. Says they: 'They'll be less
money in th' job but we need some recreation,' an' that night a
big copper comes down th' sthreet, sees me settin' out on th' front
stoop with me countenance dhraped with a tin pail, fans me with
his club an' runs me in. Th' woman nex' dure is locked up f'r
sthringin' a clothes line on th' roof, Hannigan's boy Tim gets
tin days f'r keepin' a goat, th' polis resarves are called out to
protict th' vested rights iv property against th' haynyous pushcart
man, th' stations is crowded with felons charged with maintainin'
a hose conthrary to th' stachoos made an' provided, an' th'
tindherline is all over town. A rayformer don't think annything
has been accomplished if they'se a vacant bedroom in th' pinitinchry.
His motto is 'Arrest that man.'
"Whin a rayformer is ilicted he promises ye a business administhration.
Some people want that but I don't. Th' American business man is
too fly. He's all right, d'ye mind. I don't say annything again'
him. He is what Hogan calls th' boolwarks iv pro-gress, an' we
cudden't get on without him even if his scales are a little too
quick on th' dhrop. But he ought to be left to dale with his
akels. 'Tis a shame to give him a place where he can put th'
comether on millions iv people that has had no business thrainin'
beyond occasionally handin' a piece iv debased money to a car
conductor on a cold day. A reg'lar pollytician can't give away
an alley without blushin', but a business man who is in pollytics
jus' to see that th' civil sarvice law gets thurly enfoorced, will
give Lincoln Park an' th' public libr'y to th' beef thrust, charge
an admission price to th' lake front an' make it a felony f'r
annywan to buy stove polish outside iv his store, an' have it all
put down to public improvemints with a pitcher iv him in th' corner
"Fortchnitly, Hinnissy, a rayformer is seldom a business man. He
thinks he is, but business men know diff'rent. They know what he
is. He thinks business an' honesty is th' same thing. He does,
indeed. He's got thim mixed because they dhress alike. His idee
is that all he has to do to make a business administhration is to
have honest men ar-round him. Wrong. I'm not sayin', mind ye,
that a man can't do good work an' be honest at th' same time. But
whin I'm hirin' a la-ad I find out first whether he is onto his
job, an' afther a few years I begin to suspect that he is honest,
too. Manny a dishonest man can lay brick sthraight an' manny a
man that wudden't steal ye'er spoons will break ye'er furniture.
I don't want Father Kelly to hear me, but I'd rather have a competint
man who wud steal if I give him a chanst, but I won't, do me
plumbin' thin a person that wud scorn to help himsilf but didn't
know how to wipe a joint. Ivry man ought to be honest to start
with, but to give a man an office jus' because he's honest is like
ilictin' him to Congress because he's a pathrite, because he don't
bate his wife or because he always wears a right boot on th' right
foot. A man ought to be honest to start with an' afther that he
ought to be crafty. A pollytician who's on'y honest is jus' th'
same as bein' out in a winther storm without anny clothes on.
"Another thing about rayform administhrations is they always think
th' on'y man that ought to hold a job is a lawyer. Th' raison is
that in th' coorse iv his thrainin' a lawyer larns enough about
ivrything to make a good front on anny subject to annybody who
doesn't know about it. So whin th' rayform administhration comes
in th' mayor says: 'Who'll we make chief iv polis in place iv th'
misguided ruffyan who has held th' job f'r twinty years?' 'Th' man
f'r th' place,' says th' mayor's adviser, 'is Arthur Lightout,'
he says. 'He's an ixcillent lawyer, Yale, '95, an' is well up on
polis matthers. Las' year he read a paper on "The fine polis
foorce iv London" befure th' annyal meetin' iv th' S'ciety f'r
Ladin' th' Mulligan Fam'ly to a Betther an' Harder Life. Besides,'
he says, 'he's been in th' milishy an' th' foorce needs a man
who'll be afraid not to shoot in case iv public disturbance.' So
Arthur takes hold iv th' constabulary an' in a year th' polis can
all read Emerson an' th' burglars begin puttin' up laddhers an'
block an' tackles befure eight A.M. An' so it is on ivry side.
A lawyer has charge iv the city horse-shoein', another wan is
clanin' th' sthreets, th' author iv 'Gasamagoo on torts' is thryin'
to dispose iv th' ashes be throwin' thim in th' air on a windy day,
an' th' bright boy that took th' silver ware f'r th' essay on ne
exeats an' their relation to life is plannin' a uniform that will
be sarviceable an' constitchoochinal f'r th' brave men that wurruks
on th' city dumps. An' wan day th' main rayformer goes out expictin'
to rayceive th' thanks iv th' community an' th' public that has
jus' got out iv jail f'r lettin' th' wather run too long in th'
bath tub rises up an' cries: 'Back to th' Univarsity Settlemint.'
Th' man with th' di'mon' in his shirt front comes home an' pushes
th' honest lawyers down th' steps, an' a dishonest horse shoer
shoes th' city's horses well, an' a crooked plumber does th' city's
plumbin' securely, an' a rascally polisman that may not be avarse
to pickin' up a bet but will always find out whin Pathrolman
Scanlan slept on his beat, takes hold iv th' polis foorce, an' we
raysume our nachral condition iv illagal merrimint. An' th'
rayformer spinds th' rest iv his life tellin' us where we are
wrong. He's good at that. On'y he don't undherstand that people
wud rather be wrong an' comfortable thin right in jail."
"I don't like a rayformer," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Or anny other raypublican," said Mr. Dooley.
Work and Sport
"A hard time th' rich have injyin' life," said Mr. Dooley.
"I'd thrade with thim," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis too much like hard wurruk.
If I iver got hold iv a little mound iv th' money, divvle th' bit
iv hardship wud I inflict on mesilf. I'd set on a large Turkish
sofa an' have dancin' girls dancin' an' a mandolin orchesthree
playin' to me. I wudden't move a step without bein' carrid. I'd
go to bed with th' lark an' get up with th' night watchman. If
annywan suggested physical exercise to me, I'd give him forty
dollars to go away. I'd hire a prize fighter to do me fightin'
f'r me, a pedesthreen to do me walkin', a jockey to do me ridin',
an' a colledge pro-fissor to do me thinkin'. Here I'd set with
a naygur fannin' me with osterich feathers, lookin' ca'mly out
through me stained glass windies on th' rollin' mills, smokin'
me good five cint seegar an' rejicin' to know how bad ye mus' be
feelin' ivry time ye think iv me hoorded wealth.
"But that ain't th' way it comes out, Hinnissy. Higgins, the
millyionaire, had th' same idee as me whin he was beginnin' to
breed money with a dollar he ownded an' a dollar he took fr'm some
wan that wasn't there at th' time. While he was hammerin' hoops
on a bar'l or dhrivin' pegs into a shoe, he'd stop wanst in a while
to wipe th' sweat off his brow whin th' boss wasn't lookin' an'
he'd say to himsilf: 'If I iver get it, I'll have a man wheel me
around on a chair.' But as his stable grows an' he herds large
dhroves down to th' bank ivry week, he changes his mind, an' whin
he's got enough to injye life, as they say, he finds he's up against
it. His throubles has just begun. I know in his heart Higgins'
ideel iv luxury is enough buckwheat cakes an' a cozy corner in a
Turkish bath, but he can't injye it. He mus' be up an' doin'.
An' th' on'y things annywan around him is up an' doin' is th'
things he used to get paid f'r doin' whin he was a young man.
"Arly in th' mornin' Higgins has got to be out exercisin' a horse
to keep th' horse in good health. Higgins has no business on a
horse an' he knows it. He was built an' idycated f'r a cooper an'
th' horse don't fit him. Th' nachral way f'r Higgins to ride a
horse is to set well aft an' hang onto th' ears. But he's tol'
that's wrong an' he's made to set up sthraight an' be a good fellow
an' meet th' horse half way. An' if th' horse don't run away with
Higgins an' kill him, he's tol' it's not a good horse an' he ought
to sell it. An' mind ye, he pays f'r that though he can't help
raymimberin' th' man nex' dure fr'm him used to get tin dollars a
week f'r th' same job.
"Whin he was a young man, Higgins knowed a fellow that dhruv four
horses f'r a brewery. They paid him well, but he hated his job.
He used to come in at night an' wish his parents had made him a
cooper, an' Higgins pitied him, knowin' he cudden't get out a life
insurance policy an' his wife was scared to death all th' time.
Now that Higgins has got th' money, he's took th' brewery man's
job with worse horses an' him barred fr'm dhrivin' with more thin
wan hand. An' does he get annything f'r it? On th' conth'ry,
Hinnissy, it sets him back a large forchune. An' he says he's
havin' a good time an' if th' brewery man come along an' felt sorry
f'r him, Higgins wudden't exactly know why.
"Higgins has to sail a yacht raymimberin' how he despised th' Swede
sailors that used to loaf in th' saloon near his house dunn' th'
winter; he has to run an autymobill, which is th' same thing as
dhrivin' a throlley car on a windy day without pay; he has to play
golf, which is th' same thing as bein' a letther-carryer without
a dacint uniform; he has to play tennis, which is another wurrud
f'r batin' a carpet; he has to race horses, which is the same thing
as bein' a bookmaker with th' chances again' ye; he has to go
abroad, which is th' same thing as bein' an immigrant; he has to
set up late, which is th' same thing as bein' a dhrug clerk; an'
he has to play cards with a man that knows how, which is th' same
thing as bein' a sucker.
"He takes his good times hard, Hinnissy. A rich man at spoort is
a kind iv non-union laborer. He don't get wages f'r it an' he
don't dhrive as well as a milkman, ride as well as a stable-boy,
shoot as well as a polisman, or autymobill as well as th' man that
runs th' steam-roller. It's a tough life. They'se no rest f'r
th' rich an' weary. We'll be readin' in th' pa-apers wan iv these
days: 'Alonzo Higgins, th' runner up in las' year's champeenship,
showed gr-reat improvement in this year's brick layin' tournymint
at Newport, an' won handily with about tin square feet to spare.
He was nobly assisted be Regynald Van Stinyvant, who acted as his
hod carryer an' displayed all th' agility which won him so much
applause arlier in th' year.
"'Th' Pickaways carrid off all th' honors in th' sewer-diggin'
contest yesterdah, defatin' th' Spadewells be five holes to wan.
Th' shovel wurruk iv Cassidy th' banker was spicially noticeable.
Th' colors iv th' Pickaways was red flannel undhershirts an' dark
"'Raycreations iv rich men: Jawn W. Grates an' J. Pierpont Morgan
ar-re to have a five days' shinglin' contest at Narragansett
Pier. George Gold is thrainin' f'r th' autumn plumbin' jimkanny.
Mitchigan avnoo is tore up fr'm Van Buren sthreet to th' belt
line in priparation f'r th' contest in sthreet layin'between mimbers
iv th' Assocyation iv More-Thin-Rich Spoorts. Th' sledge teams
is completed but a few good tampers an' wather men is needed.'
"An' why not, Hinnissy? If 'tis fun to wurruk why not do some rale
wurruk? If 'tis spoort to run an autymobill, why not run a locymotive?
If dhrivin' a horse in a cart is a game, why not dhrive a delivery
wagon an' carry things around? Sure, I s'pose th' raison a rich
man can't undherstand why wages shud go higher is because th' rich
can't see why annybody shud be paid f'r annything so amusin' as
wurruk. I bet ye Higgins is wondherin' at this moment why he was
paid so much f'r puttin' rings around a bar'l.
"No, sir, what's a rich man's raycreation is a poor man's wurruk.
Th' poor ar-re th' on'y people that know how to injye wealth.
Me idee iv settin' things sthraight is to have th' rich who wurruk
because they like it, do th' wurruk f'r th' poor who wud rather
rest. I'll be happy th' day I see wan iv th' Hankerbilts pushin'
ye'er little go-cart up th' platform while ye set in th' shade iv
a three an' cheer him on his way. I'm sure he'd do it if ye called
it a spoort an' tol him th' first man to th' dump wud be entitled
to do it over again against sthronger men nex' week. Wud ye give
him a tin cup that he cud put his name on? Wud ye, Hinnissy? I'm
sure ye wud."
"Why do they do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"I dinnaw," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is that th' wan great
object iv ivry man's life is to get tired enough to sleep. Ivrything
seems to be some kind iv wurruk. Wurruk is wurruk if ye're paid
to do it an' it's pleasure if ye pay to be allowed to do it."
The Names of a Week
"What's goin' on this week in th' papers?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Ivrything," said Mr. Dooley. "It's been a turbylint week. I can
hardly sleep iv nights thinkin' iv th' doin's iv people. Th'
campinily at Venice has fallen down. 'Twas built in 1604 be th'
Beezantiums an' raystored in 1402 be th' Dogs. It fell down because
th' foundations was weak, because th' wind blew, because th'
beautiful figure iv th' goolden angel on top iv it was fifteen
feet high. It will be rebuilt or maybe not. Th' king iv Italy
has given thirty-three billion liars to put it up again, an' siv'ral
ladin' American archytects have offered to do th' job, makin' an
office buildin' iv it. Th' campinily was wan iv th' proudest
monymints iv Italy an' was used as a bell-tower at times, an' at
other times as a gazabo where anny American cud take a peek at th'
gran' canal an' compare it with th' Erie, th' Pannyma an' th'
dhrainage iv the same name.
"Th' king iv England is betther. He's off in his yacht. So ar-re
Laking, Treves, Smith, Barlow, Jones, Casey, Lister, thank Hiven!
A hard life is science. Th' Hon'rable Joseph Choate is raycoverin'
more slowly. He still sobs occas'nally in his sleep an' has
ordhered all th' undher sicreties to have their vermyform appindixes
raymoved as a token iv rayspict f'r th' sthricken nation. Th'
Hon'rable Whitelaw Reid is havin' a cast iv his knee breeches made,
which will be exhibited in New York durin' th' comin' winter.
"Me frind, J. Pierpont Morgan, has been takin' dinner with th'
Impror Willum. It is undherstud he will presint him to th'
Methropolytan Museem iv Art. There are said to be worse things
"Lord Salisberry has thrun up his job. Lord Salisberry was wan
iv th' grandest an' mos' succissful statesmen iv modhren times.
He niver did annything. He is succeeded be his nevvew, Misther
Balfour, if I get th' name right, who has done less. It is expicted
that Misther Balfour will have a good time. On rayceivin' th'
congrathylations iv his colleague, Misther Chamberlain, he bought
himsilf a rayvolver an' took out a policy on his life.
"A lady down east woke her husband up to tell him there was a
burglar in th' house. Th' foolish woman. They'se always burglars
in th' house. That's what burglars are f'r, an' houses. Instead
iv argyin' th' pint in a loud voice, coughin' an' givin' th' burglar
a chance to lave with dignity, this man got up an' was kilt. Now
th' pa-apers with th' assistance iv th' officers iv th' law has
discovered that th' lady took a boat ride with a gintleman frind
in th' summer iv sixty-two, that she wanst quarreled with her
husband about th' price iv a hat, that wan iv her lower teeth is
plugged, that she wears a switch an' that she weeps whin she sees
her childher. They'se a moral in this. It's ayether don't wake
a man up out iv a sound sleep, or don't get out iv bed till ye
have to, or don't bother a burglar whin ye see he's busy, or kill
th' iditor. I don't know which it is.
"Willum Jennings Bryan is readin' me frind Grover Cleveland out
iv th' party. He's usin' the Commoner to read him out. That's a
"Mary MeLane has been in town. I didn't see her, me place not
bein' a raysort f'r th' young an' yearnin', an' especially me
duckin' all lithry ladies iv whativer sex. Mary McLane is th'
author iv a book called: 'Whin I am older I'll know betther.' Ye
ought to read it, Hinnissy.
"Th' Newport season is opened with gr-reat gayety an' th' aim
iv rayturnin' husbands is much more sure.
"Gin'ral Bragg fr'm up in Wisconsin has been gettin' into throuble
with our haughty allies, th' Cubians, he writin' home to his wife
that ye might as well thry to make a whistle out iv a pig's tail
as a dacint man out iv a Cubian. Gin'ral Bragg will be bounced
an' he ought to be. He don't belong in pollytics. His place is
iditor iv a losin' newspaper.
"Gov'nor Taft has been in Rome showin' th' wurruld how succissful,
sthraightforward, downright, outspoken, manly, frank, fourteen
ounces to th' pound American business dalings can be again' th'
worn-out di-plomacy iv th' papal coort. Whin last heerd fr'm
this astoot an' able man, backed up be th' advice iv Elihoo Root
iv York state, was makin' his way tow'rd Manila on foot, an' siv'ral
mimbers iv th' colledge iv cardinals was heerd to regret that
American statesmen were so thin they cudden't find anything to
fit thim in his thrunk.
"Cholera is ragin' in th' Ph'lippeens vice Gin'ral Jake Smith,
"Th' stock market is boomin' an' business has become so dull
elsewhere that some iv th' best known outside operators ar-re
obliged to increase th' depth iv th' goold coatin' on th' brick
to nearly an inch.
"Th' capital iv th' nation has raymoved to Eyesther Bay, a city
on th' north shore iv Long Island, with a popylation iv three
millyion clams, an' a number iv mosquitos with pianola attachments
an' steel rams. There day be day th' head iv th' nation thransacts
th' nation's business as follows: four A.M., a plunge into th'
salt, salt sea an' a swim iv twenty miles; five A.M., horse-back
ride, th' prisidint insthructin' his two sons, aged two and four
rayspictively, to jump th' first Methodist church without knockin'
off th' shingles; six A.M., wrestles with a thrained grizzly bear;
sivin A.M., breakfast; eight A.M., Indyan clubs; nine A.M., boxes
with Sharkey; tin A.M., bates th' tinnis champeen; iliven A.M.,
rayceives a band iv rough riders an' person'lly supervises th'
sindin' iv th' ambylance to look afther th' injured in th' village;
noon, dinner with Sharkey, Oscar Featherstone, th' champeen
roller-skater iv Harvard, '98, Pro-fissor McGlue, th' archyologist,
Lord Dum de Dum, Mike Kehoe, Immanuel Kant Gumbo, th' naygro pote,
Horrible Hank, t' bad lands scout, Sinitor Lodge, Lucy Emerson
Tick, th' writer on female sufferage, Mud-in-the-Eye, th' chief
iv th' Ogallas, Gin'ral Powell Clayton, th' Mexican mine expert,
four rough riders with their spurs on, th' Ambassadure iv France
an' th' Cinquovasti fam'ly, jugglers. Th' conversation, we larn
fr'm wan iv th' guests who's our spoortin' iditor, was jined in
be th' prisidint an' dealt with art, boxin', lithrachoor,
horse-breakin', science, shootin', pollytics, how to kill a mountain
line, di-plomacy, lobbing, pothry, th' pivot blow, rayform, an'
th' campaign in Cubia. Whin our rayporther was dhriven off th'
premises be wan iv th' rough riders, th' head iv th' nation was
tachin' Lord Dum de Dum an' Sicrety Hay how to do a hand-spring,
an' th' other guests was scattered about th' lawn, boxin', rasslin',
swingin' on th' thrapeze, ridin' th' buckin' bronco an' shootin'
at th' naygro pote f'r th' dhrinks--in short enjyin' an ideel day
in th' counthry.
"An' that's all th' news," said Mr. Dooley. "There ye ar-re jus'
as if ye cud read. That's all that's happened. Ain't I a good
newspaper? Not a dull line in me. Sind in ye'er small ads."
"Sure, all that's no news," said Mr. Hennessy, discontentedly.
"Hasn't there annything happened? Hasn't anny wan been--been
"There ye ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Be news ye mane misfortune.
I suppose near ivry wan does. What's wan man's news is another
man's throubles. In these hot days, I'd like to see a pa-aper
with nawthin' in it but affectionate wives an' loyal husbands an'
prosp'rous, smilin' people an' money in th' bank an' three a day.
That's what I'm lookin' f'r in th' hot weather."
"Th' newspapers have got to print what happens," said Mr. Hennessy.
"No," said Mr. Dooley, "they've got to print what's diff'rent.
Whiniver they begin to put headlines on happiness, contint, varchoo,
an' charity, I'll know things is goin' as wrong with this counthry
as I think they ar-re ivry naytional campaign."
The End of the War
"Why did th' Boers quit fightin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Th' supply iv British gin'rals give out," said Mr. Dooley. "They
were fin'lly crushed be th' surrindher iv Gin'ral Lord Mechoon.
"Up to that time th' British had niver gained anny important
advantage. They'd surrindhered ninety or a hundherd thousan'
private sojery, thirty or forty colonels, near all th' officers
iv th' guards, th' Northumberland Fusileers over an' over again,
an' Winston Churchill; they'd hurled gr-reat masses iv th' Impeeryal
Yeomanry into th' prison camps iv th' Boers; they'd surrindhered
rifles, an' ammunition an' pompons an' mules, but nary a British
gin'ral among thim. Although a smaller foorce, Hinnissy, th' Boers
had th' advantage iv knowin' ivry foot iv th' ground they were
fightin' on. Manny iv thim had just gone there, while th' British
had been on th' ground f'r three years with an opporchunity to
f'rget something ivry hour. Th' crafty Dutch, marchin' almost as
well be bright moonlight as in th' day time, proceedin' without
rest f'r hours at a time, always placin' th' catridge in th' gun
befure firm', hardy, vigorous an' accustomed to th' veldt, had
eluded all attempts to hand thim th' roast beef iv Merry England
in th' shape iv a gin'ral.
"But whin Gin'ral, me Lord Kitchener, th' Great Coon Conqueror,
wint to South Africa, like th' stern an' remorseless warryor that
he is, he detarmined to niver rest till he had desthroyed th'
inimy. In less thin two years, he had evolved his sthrategy. I
will tell ye what it was, because ye're inthrested in military
plans. He spread his magnificent army iv gallant Britons out in
a long line that sthretched clane acrost th' counthry, wan yeoman
deep. Thin, accompanied be his sub-gin'rals, he moved out in th'
followin' ordher. I'll dhraw it f'r ye, as I see it in th' pa-aper.
Here ye ar-re:
"Gin'ral Lord Kitchener, K.C.B., K.N., K.L.K., G.K.R. (with medals),
"The other gin'rals,
"Pianos, Pianolas, Cottage Organs, Ping Pong Sets, Tennis Bats,
Bridge Scores, Cricket Stumps, War Corryspondints,
"Th' Avingin' Line,
"Their Food, and
"As th' dhread formation moved off in th' bright sunlight iv that
fair day in March, with th' band playin' a quick shtep an' th'
colors flyin' in th' air, it was a sight to make ivry Englishman
proud iv th' fact that he had to be an Englishman. Detarmination
was written in ivry face--th' detarmination to go on at anny risk
till tea time. No flinchin', no hisitation, ivry man with his
head erect an' th' feelin' in his heart that on him rested th'
security iv th' impire if so. On, an' iver on they marched, fr'm
Spimfontein, past th' gleamin' spires iv Wa-aberneck, till they
saw in th' distance th' long, low line iv purple light that marked
th' walls iv Boobenastofein. It was thin four o'clock P.M., an'
th' column halted while th' bugles blew th' cheery call to tea.
Eager hands unshipped th' marmalade an' opened th' caddies, bread
was toasted on th' small stoves carrid be ivry officer's valet,
th' pickets an' scouts were dispatched f'r plum cake an' f'rgettin'
f'r a moment th' thriles iv th' campaign, th' rough warryors
indulged in that repast that has done so much to make Englishmen
what they are. At siven, havin' taken all precautions, havin'
placed th' powdher in a cool runnin' brook an' tethered th' mules
to th' rifles, th' vast army slept. It was breakfast time whin
th' God iv Slumber was dhriven off be th' other British God iv
Appetite. Such, Hinnissy, is th' brief story iv Gin'ral Kitchener's
cillybrated dhrive, as I read it in th' pa-apers.
"To some extint it was succissful an' to some other extints not.
Th' bands were good. Th' tea was fine, though some prefer Oolong.
Rifles, pompons, mules, fusileers, etcethry had been lost. But
not wan British gin'ral had been captured. Not wan. They were
all at breakfast an' th' great heart iv th' British nation was
sad. Th' great heart begun to grumble, which is a way th' great
heart iv a nation has. It ast what was th' use iv this costly
manoover--if they was as manny gin'rals left afther it as befure.
While in this mood, it was ilicthryfied be a piece iv startlin'
intilligince. Th' whisper ran round, grew to be a murmur, increased
to a roar, mounted to a shriek that Mechoon was captured.
"It seemed too good to be thrue. No wan cud believe it at first.
But fin'lly it was officially announced in Parlymint be that hot
headed ol' pathrite, Lord Salsberry himsilf. In a voice choked
be emotion he arose an' give three cheers. Afther which he read
Gin'ral Kitchener's dispatch: 'I have th' pleasure to rayport that
yisterdah at nine o'clock Lord Mechoon be a superb sthrategy had
himsilf surrounded be an infeeryor foorce iv Boers undher Gin'ral
Delaney or some such name. Our cust'mary precaution iv dhrawin'
in th' pickets afther nightfall an' buryin' our rifles, which had
repeatedly failed in th' past owin' to th' caution iv th' Boers,
wurruked admirably. Gin'ral Delaney was completely taken be
surprise an' befure he cud recover, Lord Mechoon had thrown himsilf
around his neck an' given him his cigreet case in token iv submission.
Th' command behaved with gr-reat gallantry. In wan case, a
whole comp'ny surrindhered to wan Boer. I am sindin' ricommindations
f'r th' Victorya cross be freight. Unforchunitly our casulties
were very heavy. Mesilf an' nearly all th' other gin'rals escaped
capture. But betther luck nex' time. Gin'ral Dewet is about a
mile fr'm here, if in Africa at all, or indeed, livin'. Gin'ral
Botha is said to be in Ioway, though ye can't believe ivrything
ye see in th' pa-apers. Wan or th' other may be enthrapped into
kidnapin' me. In th' manetime I am plannin' right along. I sleep
constantly in clothes becomin' me station, an' th' impire may rely
on me not makin' a show iv mesilf whin I am took. Ye'ers hopefully,
"Th' Boers niver raycovered fr'm th' tur'ble blow. Their spirits
was crushed. Their hopes had fled. Th' kindergartens had opened
an' manny iv their bravest warryors had been carried off be their
mothers. Anny moment they might be surrounded an' surrindhered
to. So wan mornin' th' entire mighty army, th' whole thirty-two
iv them, histed th' white flag an' presinted their bill."
"An' so th' war is over?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"On'y part iv it," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' part that ye see in th'
pitcher pa-apers is over, but th' tax collector will continyoo
his part iv th' war with relentless fury. Cav'lry charges are not
th' on'y wars in a rale war."
"About this time ivry year," said Mr. Dooley, "I go to Newport f'r
"Ye go where?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"I go to Newport," said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "in th' pa-apers.
Newport's always there. I may not find annything about th' fire
at th' yards or th' war in th' Ph'lippeens, but if Mrs. Rasther
opens a can iv salmon or pounds th' top off an egg, it's down in
black an' white be th' fearless hands iv th' iditor. 'Tis a
gr-reat joy bein' lithry an' knowin' how to read. Th' air is
hot in Ar-rchey Road; ye can see it. It looks an' feels like
hot soup with people floatin' around in it like viggytables. Th'
smoke poors fr'm th' chimbly iv th' rollin' mills an' comes right
down on th' sthreet an' jines us. People ar-re lyin' out iv
doors with their mouths open. They'se a gr-reat dale iv cholery
infantum an' a few deleeryam thremens. If I cudden't read I'd be
hot about th' weather an' things. But whin th' day is darkest an'
I don't want to see me best cukkin' frind, I takes me yacht at th'
top iv page eight an' goes sailin' off to Newport in me shirt
sleeves with twelve inches iv malt in th' hook iv me thumb, an'
there I stay till I want to come back an' rest.
"'Th' autymobill season has opened in deadly earnest. Manny new
machines is seen daily an' wan iv th' delights iv th' summer colony
is to go out iv an avenin' an' see th' farmers iv th' neighborhood
pluckin' their horses fr'm th' top branches iv threes. Th' younger
Hankerbilt has atthracted much attintion be his acc'rate ridin'.
Th' other day he made a scoor iv eight fr'm a runnin' start in
tin minyits an' this in spite iv th' fact that he was obliged to
come back to th' last wan, a Swede named Olson, an' bump him over
"'Misther Graball, th' Muskegon millionaire who got into s'ciety
las' year be dyin' his hair green an' givin' a dinner at which all
th' guests rayceived a lumber mill as sooveneers, has returned
suddenly fr'm th' West an' his house party is over.'
"'Little Aigrette Vandycooker has a tooth, her elder sister a
markess, an' her mother a siparation.'
"'Misther an' Mrs. Roger Smitherson an' frind ar-re spindin' th'
summer at frind's house.'
"Gin'rally we lade a life iv quite an' iligant luxury. Wud ye
like a line on me daily routine? Well, in th' mornin' a little
spin in me fifty-horse power 'Suffer-little-childher,' in th'
afthernoon a whirl over th' green wathers iv th' bay in me
goold-an'-ivory yacht, in th' avenin' dinner with a monkey or
something akelly as good, at night a few leads out iv th' wrong
hand, some hasty wurruds an' so to bed. Such is th' spoortin'
life in Rhode Island, th' home iv Roger Williams an' others not
so much. It grows tiresome afther awhile. I confess to ye,
Algernon Hinnissy, that befure th' monkey was inthrajooced, I was
sufferin' fr'm what Hogan calls onwee, which is th' same thing as
ingrowin' money. I had got tired iv puttin' new storeys on me
cottage an' ridin' up in th' ilivator fr'm th' settin' room on
th' eighth flure to th' dinin' room on th' twinty-ninth, I didn't
care about ayether thrap-shootin' or autymobillin', I felt like
givin' a cawrnation dinner to th' poor iv th' village an' feedin'
thim me polo ponies, I didn't care whether th' champagne bar'ls
was kept iced, whether th' yacht was as long as th' wan ownded be
th' Ginger Snap king nex' dure, whether I had three or tin millyon
dollars in me pants pocket in th' mornin' or whether th' Poles in
th' coal mine was sthrikin' f'r wan dollar an' forty-siven or wan
dollar an' forty-eight cints a day. I was tired iv ivrything.
Life had me be th' throat, th' black dog was on me back. I felt
like suicide or wurruk. Thin come th' bright idee iv me young
frind an' th' monkey saved me. He give me something to live f'r.
Perhaps we too may be monkeys some day an' be amusin'. We don't
talk half as loud or look half as foolish or get dhrunk half as
quick, but give us a chanst. We're a young people an' th' monkeys
is an old, old race. They've been Newportin' f'r cinchries. Sure
that ol' la-ad who said man was descinded fr'm monkeys knew what
he was talkin' about. Descinded, but how far?
"Now, don't go gettin' cross about th' rich, Hinnissy. Put up
that dinnymite. Don't excite ye'ersilf about us folks in Newport.
It's always been th' same way, Father Kelly tells me. Says he:
'If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he gets
foolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps th' money movin'
around. What comes in at th' ticker goes out at th' wine agent.
F'river an' iver people have been growin' rich, goin' down to some
kind iv a Newport, makin' monkeys iv thimsilves an' goin' back to
th' jungle. 'Tis a steady pro-cission. Aisy come, lazy go. In
ivry little hamlet in this broad land, there's some man with a
broad jaw an' th' encouragement iv a good woman, makin' ready to
shove some other man off his steam yacht. At this very minyit
whin I speak, me frind Jawn Grates has his eye on Hankerbilk's
house. He wud swing a hammock in th' woodshed this year, but nex'
he may have his feet up on th' bannister iv th' front stoop. Whin
a captain iv industhry stops dhrinkin' at th' bar, he's near his
finish. If he ain't caught in his own person, th' constable will
get to his fam'ly. Ye read about th' union iv two gr-reat
fortunes. A dollar meets another dollar, they are conganial, have
sim'lar tastes, an' manny mutual frinds. They are marrid an' bring
up a fam'ly iv pennies, dimes, thirty-cintses an' countherfeits.
An' afther awhile, th' fam'ly passes out iv circylation. That's
th' histhry iv it,' says Father Kelly. 'An',' says he,' I'm glad
there is a Newport,' he says. 'It's th' exhaust pipe,' he says.
'Without it we might blow up,' he says. 'It's th' hole in th' top
iv th' kettle,' he says. 'I wish it was bigger,' he says."
"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "we are as th' Lord made us."
"No," said Mr. Dooley, "lave us be fair. Lave us take some iv th'
"This here business iv Artic exploration's th' gran' pursoot,"
said Mr. Dooley. "A gran', comfortable, fightin', quarrelin'
"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why shud annywan want
to go to th' North Pole? Ain't it cold enough here?"
"I niver cud quite make it out," said Mr. Dooley. "I've heerd
tell that years ago, befure th' fire or th' war, some wan had an
idee in his foolish head that they was a gran' sea up there with
blue wather dimplin' in th' moonlight an' cocynut threes growin'
on th' shore an' if a man cud on'y get in with his boat, he cud
sail around th' wurruld an' fetch up in Chiny. That idee blew up
an' thin some wan said 'twud be a fine thing f'r science if a white
man cud get to th' North Pole. What he'd do if he got there no
wan has anny thought. Accordin' to what I hear, th' North Pole
ain't like a tillygraft pole, a barber pole, a fishin' pole, a
clothes pole, a poll-tax, a Maypole, a Russhyan Pole, or annything
that ye can see, smell or ate. Whin ye get to it, it is no diff'rent
fr'm bein' annywhere on th' ice. Th' on'y way ye know ye're there
is be consultin' a pocket arithmetic, a watch an' a compass. Don't
get it into ye'er head that if me frind Baldwin or Peary iver wint
north iv Milwaukee an' come acrost th' North Pole they'd carve
their names on it or hist a flag over it or bring it home with
thim on a thruck an' set it up on th' lake front. Th' north pole
is a gigantic column iv cold air, some says hot, an' an enthusyastic
explorer that wasn't lookin' where he wint might pass right through
it without knowin'.
"In th' arly days whin an explorer wint off to find th' Pole, he
bought himsilf a sheepskin coat, a couple iv dogs, a pair iv skates,
an' a bottle iv pickled onions an' set out bravely, an' th' people
watched th' fam'ly to see what other form th' lunacy wud take.
Afther awhile he ayether come back or he didn't. Sometimes th'
Esqueemo lady didn't care to lave her pleasant home in th' land
iv perpetchool blubber an' in that case th' hardy mariner remained
in th' frozen north. I niver cud see th' advantages iv life in
th' Artic regions. 'Tis thrue th' nights is six months long an'
sleep is wan iv th' spoorts that age hasn't deprived me iv. It
mus' be a gr-reat counthry f'r burglars. But f'r a plain wurrukin'
man it's very thryin'. Think iv a six months' wurrukin' day. Ye
get ye'er breakfast at sun-up in March an' ye don't set down to
dinner till th' first iv June. Thin comes a long afthernoon an'
I tell ye whin th' whistle blows at six o'clock October, it's a
welcome sound it sinds to ye'er ears. Ye go home an' all th'
childher has growed up an' th' news in th' mornin' pa-per is six
months' old. Ye lie around readin' an' playin' cards f'r a month
or two an' thin ye yawn an' set th' alarm clock f'r March an' says:
'Mah, it's th' fifteenth iv Novimber an' time th' childher was
abed,' an' go to sleep. About Christmas th' good woman wakes ye
up to look f'r th' burglar an' afther ye've paddled around in th'
ice floe f'r a week, ye climb back into bed grumblin' an' go to
sleep again. Afther awhile ye snore an' th' wife iv ye'er bosom
punches ye. 'What time is it?' says ye. 'It's a quarther past
th' fifteenth iv Janooary,' says she, 'an' that siren iv ye'ers
has been goin' since New Year's day.' At March ye ar-re aroused
be th' alarm clock an' ye go out to feed th' seals an' I tell ye,
ye need a shave. It mus' be a quare sinsation to wake up in th'
mornin' an' find that th' kid ye tucked into bed th' night befure
has grown side-whiskers in his sleep an' his feet has pushed out
th' foot iv th' cradle. Not f'r my money, Hinnissy. Th' Artic
regions f'r thim that likes thim but give me a land where ye don't
tell th' time iv day be th' almynac.
"But other people is diff'rent. Th' boldest Artic explorer is a
man that's made his money out iv sellin' base-burnin' stoves an'
has chillblains in July. Such a man is niver continted till he's
started somebody off f'r th' northest north. An' he has no throuble
to find a man. Nex' to bein' invited on a private yacht to sail
in th' Middyteranyan, th' nicest thing a millyonaire can do f'r
ye is to make an Artic explorer iv ye. Th' prelim'naries is great
spoort. F'r two years ye go round th' counthry letchrin' on 'What
I will see in th' Artic regions whin I get there if at all.' Fin'lly
ye set off with th' fleet, consistin' iv a ship f'r ye'ersilf,
three f'r th' provisions, two f'r th' clothes an' wan f'r th'
diaries. They'se also a convoy. Th' business iv th' convoy is
to dhrop in at Thromsoe in Norway an' ast f'r news iv ye. Thromsoe
is wan iv th' farthest north places that anny explorer has been.
But it well repays a visit, bein' a thrivin', bustlin' Swede city
with a good club. Afther th' long sthruggle with th' pitiliss ice
machine it is very pleasant to dhrop in on this hospital community
an' come back that night be thrain. Well, as I was sayin', wan
explorer starts off in a fur suit an' has th' time iv his life an'
th' other explorer stays at home an' suffers th' crool hardships
an' bitther disapp'intments iv life in Brooklyn. Lashed to his
rockin' chair, he shivers ivry time th' wind blows an' he thinks
iv his hardy partner facin' th' purls iv that far-off region iv
ice an' snow an' funny little Esqueemo women in union garments iv
fur. 'He's in Greenland now; he's battlin' with th' deadly ice
floe; now he's rasslin' with a Polar bear; he's up; he's away;
he's reached th' Pole; he's pullin' it up be th' roots; bravo
Baldy!' An' so he goes till his hands is all chapped fr'm thinkin'
iv th' cold an' his leg is lame fr'm th' encounther with a Polar
bear an' his rockin' chair is in danger iv bein' dashed to pieces
again' th' threacherous pianny. An' wan day a message comes fr'm
th' other explorer: 'Rio Janeiro. We have rayturned, baffled but
not defeated. Th' pickled walnuts give out befure we reached th'
West Indies. As far as we've gone we've had excellent raysults.
Th' cap'n, th' mate, th' cook, th' stewart an' eighty per cint iv
th' crew is in ir'ns an' as soon as I've got this tillygram off
I'm goin' in to punch th' surgeon. I congratylate ye. Ye'er name
will stand high among th' binnyfactors iv science. We have
demonsthrated beyond fear iv conthrydiction that th' gulf sthream
is jus' where it was an' that volcanoes ain't what they are cracked
up to be. Our motto is: "Niver give up th' ship. It's too
comfortable." Who's ye'er banker here?' Whin th' millyionaire dies
iv exposure, a victim to science, th' mariner rayturns an' letchers
on th' subject: 'Quarrels I have had in th' frozen north.' Talk
about th' terrors, iv Artic exploration, Hinnissy! There's where
ye get thim. Did ye iver go to an Artic exploration letcher? I
did wanst. They was wan down at th' brothers' school las' winther.
I've been lame iver since.
"None iv it in mine, if ye plaze. It's too hot wurrik in thim
clothes. An' aven if ye get up near th' pole, what's it good f'r?
Th' climate is disagreeable, an' th' s'ciety is monotonous.
Ivrybody dhresses alike. Th' wan tailor makes th' clothes f'r
pah, mah, Lucille an' th' Polar bear out iv th' same patthern.
If ye go to coort a girl, ye don't know befure she speaks whether
'tis hersilf or her Uncle Mike. I heerd iv an Artic explorer wanst
that held hands with a Swede sicond mate f'r over an hour befure
he ralized his mistake.
"No, sir, no Artic explorations f'r me, ayether pers'nally or be
check. But if I did go into it, I know who I'd sind. I'd not
fool around with people who begin to cough within sight iv th' car
barns. I'd utilize th' folks in th' neighborhood. I'd pathronize
home industhries. Th' Pole f'r th' polars, says I. They mus' be
hundherds iv la-ads up in that part iv th' wurruld that'd be
willin' to earn an honest dollar be discoverin' th' pole. With
thim 'twud be like ye goin' down to explore th' stock yards. I
bet manny iv thim knows th' pole as well as I know Haley's slough.
Ye'd prob'ly find they've hung their washin' on it f'r years an'
manny iv th' kids has shinned up it."
"Who'd ye sind?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Esqueemos," said Mr. Dooley.
Mr. Dooley was reading from a paper.
"'We live,' he says, 'in an age iv wondhers. Niver befure in th'
histhry iv th' wurruld has such progress been made.'
"Thrue wurruds an' often spoken. Even in me time things has
changed. Whin I was a la-ad Long Jawn Wintworth cud lean his
elbows on th' highest buildin' in this town. It took two months
to come here fr'm Pittsburg on a limited raft an' a stage coach
that run fr'm La Salle to Mrs. Murphy's hotel. They wasn't anny
tillygraft that I can raymimber an' th' sthreet car was pulled be
a mule an' dhruv be an engineer be th' name iv Mulligan. We thought
we was a pro-grissive people. Ye bet we did. But look at us
today. I go be Casey's house tonight an' there it is a fine
storey-an'-a-half frame house with Casey settin' on th' dure shtep
dhrinkin' out iv a pail. I go be Casey's house to-morrah an'
it's a hole in th' groun'. I rayturn to Casey's house on Thursdah
an' it's a fifty-eight storey buildin' with a morgedge onto it an'
they're thinkin' iv takin' it down an' replacin' it with a modhren
sthructure. Th' shoes that Corrigan th' cobbler wanst wurruked
on f'r a week, hammerin' away like a woodpecker, is now tossed out
be th' dozens fr'm th' mouth iv a masheen. A cow goes lowin'
softly in to Armours an' comes out glue, beef, gelatine, fertylizer,
celooloid, joolry, sofy cushions, hair restorer, washin' sody,
soap, lithrachoor an' hed springs so quick that while aft she's
still cow, for'ard she may be annything fr'm huttons to Pannyma
hats. I can go fr'm Chicago to New York in twinty hours, but I
don't have to, thank th' Lord. Thirty years ago we thought 'twas
marvelous to be able to tillygraft a man in Saint Joe an' get an
answer that night. Now, be wireless tillygraft ye can get an answer
befure ye sind th' tillygram if they ain't careful. Me friend
Macroni has done that. Be manes iv his wondher iv science a man
on a ship in mid-ocean can sind a tillygram to a man on shore, if
he has a confid'rate on board. That's all he needs. Be mechanical
science an' thrust in th' op'rator annywan can set on th' shore
iv Noofoundland an' chat with a frind in th' County Kerry.
"Yes, sir, mechanical science has made gr-reat sthrides. Whin I
was a young man we used to think Hor'ce Greeley was th' gr-reatest
livin' American. He was a gran' man, a gran' man with feathers
beneath his chin an' specs on his nose like th' windows in a diver's
hemlet. His pollyticks an' mine cudden't live in th' same neighborhood
but he was a gran' man all th' same. We used to take th' Cleveland
Plain Daler in thim days f'r raycreation an' th' New York Thrybune
f'r exercise. 'Twas considhered a test iv a good natured dimmycrat
if he cud read an article in th' Thrybune without havin' to do th'
stations iv th' cross aftherward f'r what he said. I almost did
wanst but they was a line at th' end about a frind iv mine be th'
name iv Andhrew Jackson an' I wint out an' broke up a Methodist
prayer meetin'. He was th' boy that cud put it to ye so that if
ye voted th' dimmycrat tickit it was jus' th' same as demandin'
a place in purgytory. Th' farmers wud plant annything fr'm a
ruty baga to a congressman on his advice. He niver had money enough
to buy a hat but he cud go to th' sicrety iv th' threasury an'
tell him who's pitcher to put on th' useful valentines we thrade
"But if Hor'ce Greeley was alive today where'd he be? Settin' on
three inches iv th' edge iv a chair in th' outside office iv me
frind Pierpont Morgan waitin' f'r his turn. In th' line is th'
Imp'ror iv Germany, th' new cook, th' prisidint iv a railroad, th'
cap'n iv th' yacht, Rimbrandt th' painther, Jawn W. Grates, an'
Hor'ce. Afther awhile th' boy at th' dure says: 'Ye're next, ol'
party. Shtep lively f'r th' boss has had a Weehawken Peerooginy
sawed off on him this mornin' an' he mustn't he kep' waitin'.' An'
th' iditor goes in. 'Who ar-re ye?' says th' gr-reat man,
givin' him wan iv thim piercin' looks that whin a man gets it he
has to be sewed up at wanst. 'I'm ye'er iditor,' says Hor'ce.
'What's ye'er spishilty?' 'Tahriff an' th' improvemint iv th'
wurruld,' says Hor'ce. 'See Perkins,' says Pierpont, an' th'
intherview is over. Now what's made th' change? Mechanical Science,
Hinnissy. Some wan made a masheen that puts steel billets within
th' reach iv all. Hince Charlie Schwab.
"What's it done f'r th' wurruld? says ye. It's done ivrything.
It's give us fast ships an' an autymatic hist f'r th' hod, an'
small flats an' a taste iv solder in th' peaches. If annybody
says th' wurruld ain't betther off thin it was, tell him that a
masheen has been invinted that makes honey out iv pethrolyum. If
he asts ye why they ain't anny Shakesperes today, say: 'No, but
we no longer make sausages he hand.'
"'Tis pro-gress. We live in a cinchry iv pro-gress an' I thank
th' Lord I've seen most iv it. Man an' boy I've lived pretty near
through this wondherful age. If I was proud I cud say I seen more
thin Julyus Caesar iver see or cared to. An' here I am, I'll not
say how old, still pushin' th' malt acrost th' counther at me
thirsty counthrymen. All around me is th' refinemints iv mechanical
janius. Instead iv broachin' th' beer kag with a club an' dhrawin'
th' beer through a fassit as me Puritan forefathers done, I have
that wondher iv invintive science th' beer pump. I cheat mesilf
with a cash raygisther. I cut off th' end iv me good cigar with
an injanyous device an' pull th' cork out iv a bottle with a
conthrivance that wud've made that frind that Hogan boasts about,
that ol' boy Archy Meeds, think they was witchcraft in th' house.
Science has been a gr-reat blessin' to me. But amidst all these
granjoors here am I th' same ol' antiquated combination iv bellows
an' pump I always was. Not so good. Time has worn me out. Th'
years like little boys with jackknives has carved their names in
me top. Ivry day I have to write off something f'r deprecyation.
'Tis about time f'r whoiver owns me to wurruk me off on a thrust.
Mechanical science has done ivrything f'r me but help me. I suppose
I ought to feel supeeryor to me father. He niver see a high buildin'
but he didn't want to. He cudden't come here in five days but he
was a wise man an' if he cud've come in three he'd have stayed
in th' County Roscommon.
"Th' pa-apers tells me that midical science has kept pace with
th' hop-skip-an'-a-jump iv mechanical inginooty. Th' doctors has
found th' mickrobe iv ivrything fr'm lumbago to love an' fr'm
jandice to jealousy, but if a brick bounces on me head I'm crated
up th' same as iv yore an' put away. Rockyfellar can make a pianny
out iv a bar'l iv crude ile, but no wan has been able to make a
blade iv hair grow on Rockyfellar. They was a doctor over in
France that discovered a kind iv a thing that if 'twas pumped into
ye wud make ye live till people got so tired iv seein' ye around
they cud scream. He died th' nex' year iv premachure ol' age.
They was another doctor cud insure whether th' flex' wan wud be a
boy or a girl. All ye had to do was to decide wud it be Arthur
or Ethel an' lave him know. He left a fam'ly iv unmarredgeable
"I sometimes wondher whether pro-gress is anny more thin a kind
iv a shift. It's like a merry-go-round. We get up on a speckled
wooden horse an' th' mechanical pianny plays a chune an' away we
go, hollerin'. We think we're thravellin' like th' divvle but th'
man that doesn't care about merry-go-rounds knows that we will
come back where we were. We get out dizzy an' sick an' lay on th'
grass an' gasp: 'Where am I? Is this th' meelin-yum?' An' he says:
'No, 'tis Ar-rchey Road.' Father Kelly says th' Agyptians done
things we cudden't do an' th' Romans put up sky-scrapers an' aven
th' Chinks had tillyphones an' phony-grafts.
"I've been up to th' top iv th' very highest buildin' in town,
Hinnissy, an' I wasn't anny nearer Hivin thin if I was in th'
sthreet. Th' stars was as far away as iver. An' down beneath is
a lot iv us runnin' an' lapin' an' jumpin' about, pushin' each other
over, haulin' little sthrips iv ir'n to pile up in little buildin's
that ar-re called sky-scrapers but not be th' sky; wurrukin' night
an' day to make a masheen that'll carry us fr'm wan jack-rabbit
colony to another an' yellin', 'Pro-gress! 'Pro-gress, oho! I can
see th' stars winkin' at each other an' sayin': 'Ain't they funny!
Don't they think they're playin' hell!'
"No, sir, masheens ain't done much f'r man. I can't get up anny
kind iv fam'ly inthrest f'r a steam dredge or a hydhraulic hist.
I want to see sky-scrapin' men. But I won't. We're about th'
same hight as we always was, th' same hight an' build, composed
iv th' same inflammable an' perishyable mateeryal, an exthra
hazardous risk, unimproved an' li'ble to collapse. We do make
pro-gress but it's th' same kind Julyus Caesar made an' ivry wan
has made befure or since an' in this age iv masheenery we're still
burrid be hand."
"What d'ye think iv th' man down in Pinnsylvanya who says th' Lord
an' him is partners in a coal mine?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who wanted
to change the subject.
"Has he divided th' profits?" asked Mr. Dooley.
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