The Expedition of Humphry Clinker
Tobias Smollett

Part 5 out of 8

disposition -- I would therefore advise you to try your fortune in
the East Indies -- I will give you a letter to a friend in London,
who will recommend you to the direction, for a commission in the
company's service; and if that cannot be obtained, you will at
least be received as a volunteer -- in which case, you may pay for
your passage, and I shall undertake to procure you such
credentials, that you will not be long without a commission.'

Martin embraced the proposal with great eagerness; it was
therefore resolved, that he should sell his horse, and take a
passage by sea for London, to execute the project without delay --
In the mean time he accompanied us to Durham, were we took up our
quarters for the night. Here, being furnished with letters from my
uncle, he took his leave of us, with strong symptoms of gratitude
and attachment, and set out for Sunderland, in order to embark in
the first collier, bound for the river Thames. He had not been
gone half an hour, when we were joined by another character,
which promised something extraordinary -- A tall, meagre figure,
answering, with his horse, the description of Don Quixote mounted
on Rozinante, appeared in the twilight at the inn door, while my
aunt and Liddy stood at a window in the dining-room -- He wore a
coat, the cloth of which had once been scarlet, trimmed with
Brandenburgs, now totally deprived of their metal, and he had
holstercaps and housing of the same stuff and same antiquity.
Perceiving ladies at the window above, he endeavoured to dismount
with the most graceful air he could assume; but the ostler
neglecting to hold the stirrup when he wheeled off his right
foot, and stood with his whole weight on the other, the girth
unfortunately gave way, the saddle turned, down came the cavalier
to the ground, and his hat and perriwig falling off, displayed a
head-piece of various colours, patched and plaistered in a woeful
condition -- The ladies, at the window above, shrieked with
affright, on the supposition that the stranger had received some
notable damages in his fall; but the greatest injury he had
sustained arose from the dishonour of his descent, aggravated by
the disgrace of exposing the condition of his cranium; for
certain plebeians that were about the door, laughed aloud, in the
belief that the captain had got either a scald head, or a broken
head, both equally opprobrious.

He forthwith leaped up in a fury, and snatching one of his
pistols, threatened to put the ostler to death, when another
squall from the women checked his resentment. He then bowed to
the window, while he kissed the butt-end of his pistol, which he
replaced; adjusted his wig in great confusion, and led his horse
into the stable -- By this time I had come to the door, and could
not help gazing at the strange figure that presented itself to my
view. He would have measured above six feet in height had he stood
upright; but he stooped very much; was very narrow in the
shoulders, and very thick in the calves of his legs, which were
cased in black spatterdashes -- As for his thighs, they were long
and slender, like those of a grasshopper; his face was, at least,
half a yard in length, brown and shrivelled, with projecting
cheek-bones, little grey eyes on the greenish hue, a large hook-nose,
a pointed chin, a mouth from ear to car, very ill furnished
with teeth, and a high, narrow fore-head, well furrowed with
wrinkles. His horse was exactly in the stile of its rider; a
resurrection of dry bones, which (as we afterwards learned) he
valued exceedingly, as the only present he had ever received in
his life.

Having seen this favourite steed properly accommodated in the
stable, he sent up his compliments to the ladies, begging
permission to thank them in person for the marks of concern they
had shewn at his disaster in the court yard -- As the 'squire said
they could not decently decline his visit, he was shewn up stairs
and paid his respects in the Scotch dialect, with much formality
'Leddies (said he), perhaps ye may be scandaleezed at the
appearance of my heed made, when it was uncovered by accident;
but I can assure you, the condition you saw it in, is neither the
effects of diseases, nor of drunkenness: but an honest scar
received in the service of my country.' He then gave us to
understand, that having been wounded at Ticonderoga, in America,
a party of Indians rifled him, scalped him, broke his scull with
the blow of a tomahawk, and left him for dead on the field of
battle; but that being afterwards found with signs of life, he
had been cured in the French hospital, though the loss of
substance could not be repaired; so that the scull was left naked
in several places, and these he covered with patches.

There is no hold by which an Englishman is sooner taken than that
of compassion -- We were immediately interested in behalf of this
veteran. Even Tabby's heart was melted; but our pity was warmed
with indignation, when we learned, that in the course of two
sanguinary wars, he had been wounded, maimed, mutilated, taken,
and enslaved, without ever having attained a higher rank than
that of lieutenant -- My uncle's eyes gleamed, and his nether lip
quivered, while he exclaimed, 'I vow to God, sir, your case is a
reproach to the service -- The injustice you have met with is so
flagrant' -- 'I must crave your pardon, sir (cried the other,
interrupting him), I complain of no injustice -- I purchased an
ensigncy thirty years ago; and, in the course of service rose to
a lieutenant, according to my seniority' -- 'But in such a length
of time (resumed the 'squire), you must have seen a great many
young officers put over your head' -- 'Nevertheless (said he), I
have no cause to murmur -- They bought their preferment with their
money -- I had no money to carry to market that was my misfortune;
but no body was to blame' -- 'What! no friend to advance a sum of
money?' (said Mr Bramble) 'Perhaps, I might have borrowed money
for the purchase of a company (answered the other); but that loan
must have been refunded; and I did not chuse to incumber myself
with a debt of a thousand pounds, to be payed from an income of
ten shillings a-day.' 'So you have spent the best part of your
life (cried Mr Bramble), your youth, your blood, and your
constitution, amidst the dangers, the difficulties, the horrors
and hardships of a war, for the consideration of three or four
shillings a-day a consideration --' 'Sir (replied the Scot, with
great warmth), you are the man that does me injustice, if you say
or think I have been actuated by any such paltry consideration -- I
am a gentleman; and entered the service as other gentlemen do,
with such hopes and sentiments as honourable ambition inspires --
If I have not been lucky in the lottery of life, so neither do I
think myself unfortunate -- I owe to no man a farthing; I can
always command a clean shirt, a mutton-chop, and a truss of
straw; and when I die, I shall leave effects sufficient to defray
the expence of my burial.'

My uncle assured him, he had no intention to give him the least
offence, by the observations he had made; but, on the contrary,
spoke from a sentiment of friendly regard to his interest -- The
lieutenant thanked him with a stiffness of civility, which
nettled our old gentleman, who perceived that his moderation was
all affected; for, whatsoever his tongue might declare, his whole
appearance denoted dissatisfaction -- In short, without pretending
to judge of his military merit, I think I may affirm, that this
Caledonian is a self-conceited pedant, aukward, rude, and
disputacious -- He has had the benefit of a school-education, seems
to have read a good number of books, his memory is tenacious, and
he pretends to speak several different languages; but he is so
addicted to wrangling, that he will cavil at the clearest truths,
and, in the pride of argumentation, attempt to reconcile
contradictions -- Whether his address and qualifications are really
of that stamp which is agreeable to the taste of our aunt, Mrs
Tabitha, or that indefatigable maiden is determined to shoot at
every sort of game, certain it is she has begun to practice upon
the heart of the lieutenant, who favoured us with his company to

I have many other things to say of this man of war, which I shall
communicate in a post or two; mean while, it is but reasonable
that you should be indulged with some respite from those weary
lucubrations of


To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.


In my last I treated you with a high flavoured dish, in the
character of the Scotch lieutenant, and I must present him once
more for your entertainment. It was our fortune to feed upon him
the best part of three days; and I do not doubt that he will
start again in our way before we shall have finished our northern
excursion. The day after our meeting with him at Durham proved so
tempestuous that we did not choose to proceed on our journey; and
my uncle persuaded him to stay till the weather should clear up,
giving him, at the same time, a general invitation to our mess.
The man has certainly gathered a whole budget of shrewd
observations, but he brings them forth in such an ungracious
manner as would be extremely disgusting, if it was not marked by
that characteristic oddity which never fails to attract the
attention -- He and Mr Bramble discoursed, and even disputed, on
different subjects in war, policy, the belles lettres, law, and
metaphysics; and sometimes they were warmed into such altercation
as seemed to threaten an abrupt dissolution of their society; but
Mr Bramble set a guard over his own irascibility, the more
vigilantly as the officer was his guest; and when, in spite of
all his efforts, he began to wax warm, the other prudently cooled
in the same proportion.

Mrs Tabitha chancing to accost her brother by the familiar
diminutive of Matt, 'Pray, sir (said the lieutenant), 'is your
name Matthias?' You must know it is one of our uncle's foibles to
be ashamed of his name Matthew, because it is puritanical; and
this question chagrined him so much, that he answered, 'No, by G-d!'
in a very abrupt tone of displeasure. -- The Scot took umbrage
at the manner of his reply, and bristling up, 'If I had known
(said he) that you did not care to tell your name, I should not
have asked the question -- The leddy called you Matt, and I
naturally thought it was Matthias: -- perhaps, it may be
Methuselah, or Metrodorus, or Metellus, or Mathurinus, or
Malthinnus, or Matamorus, or --' 'No (cried my uncle laughing), it
is neither of those, captain: my name is Matthew Bramble, at,
your service. -- The truth is, have a foolish pique at the name of
Matthew, because it favours of those canting hypocrites, who, in
Cromwell's time, christened all their children by names taken
from the scripture.' 'A foolish pique indeed. (cried Mrs Tabby),
and even sinful, to fall out with your name because it is taken
from holy writ. -- I would have you to know, you was called after
great-uncle Matthew ap Madoc ap Meredith, esquire, of
Llanwysthin, in Montgomeryshire, justice of the quorum, and
crusty ruttleorum, a gentleman of great worth and property,
descended in a strait line, by the female side, from Llewellyn,
prince of Wales.'

This genealogical anecdote seemed to make some impression upon
the North-Briton, who bowed very low to the descendant of
Llewellyn, and observed that he himself had the honour of a
scriptural nomination. The lady expressing a desire of knowing
his address, he said, he designed himself Lieutenant Obadiah
Lismahago; and in order to assist her memory, he presented her
with a slip of paper inscribed with these three words, which she
repeated with great emphasis, declaring, it was one of the most
noble and sonorous names she had ever heard. He observed that
Obadiah was an adventitious appellation, derived from his great-
grandfather, who had been one of the original covenanters; but
Lismahago was the family surname, taken from a place in Scotland
so called. He likewise dropped some hints about the antiquity of
his pedigree, adding, with a smile of self-denial, Sed genus et
proavos, et quoe non fecimus ipsi, vix ea nostra voco, which
quotation he explained in deference to the ladies; and Mrs
Tabitha did not fail to compliment him on his modesty in waving
the merit of his ancestry, adding, that it was the less necessary
to him, as he had such a considerable fund of his own. She now
began to glew herself to his favour with the grossest adulation. --
She expatiated upon the antiquity and virtues of the Scottish
nation, upon their valour, probity, learning, and politeness. She
even descended to encomiums on his own personal address, his
gallantry, good sense, and erudition. -- She appealed to her
brother, whether the captain was not the very image of our cousin
governor Griffith. She discovered a surprising eagerness to know
the particulars of his life, and asked a thousand questions
concerning his atchievements in war; all which Mr Lismahago
answered with a sort of jesuitical reserve, affecting a
reluctance to satisfy her curiosity on a subject that concerned
his own exploits.

By dint of her interrogations, however, we learned, that he and
ensign Murphy had made their escape from the French hospital at
Montreal, and taken to the woods, in hope of reaching some
English settlement; but mistaking their route, they fell in with
a party of Miamis, who carried them away in captivity. The
intention of these Indians was to give one of them as an adopted
son to a venerable sachem, who had lost his own in the course of
the war, and to sacrifice the other according to the custom of
the country. Murphy, as being the younger and handsomer of the
two, was designed to fill the place of the deceased, not only as
the son of the sachem, but as the spouse of a beautiful squaw, to
whom his predecessor had been betrothed; but in passing through
the different whigwhams or villages of the Miamis, poor Murphy
was so mangled by the women and children, who have the privilege
of torturing all prisoners in their passage, that, by the time
they arrived at the place of the sachem's residence, he was
rendered altogether unfit for the purposes of marriage: it was
determined therefore, in the assembly of the warriors, that
ensign Murphy should be brought to the stake, and that the lady
should be given to lieutenant Lismahago, who had likewise
received his share of torments, though they had not produced
emasculation. -- A joint of one finger had been cut, or rather
sawed off with a rusty knife; one of his great toes was crushed
into a mash betwixt two stones; some of his teeth were drawn, or
dug out with a crooked nail; splintered reeds had been thrust up
his nostrils and other tender parts; and the calves of his legs
had been blown up with mines of gunpowder dug in the flesh with
the sharp point of the tomahawk.

The Indians themselves allowed that Murphy died with great
heroism, singing, as his death song, the Drimmendoo, in concert
with Mr Lismahago, who was present at the solemnity. After the
warriors and the matrons had made a hearty meal upon the muscular
flesh which they pared from the victim, and had applied a great
variety of tortures, which he bore without flinching, an old
lady, with a sharp knife, scooped out one of his eyes, and put a
burning coal in the socket. The pain of this operation was so
exquisite that he could not help bellowing, upon which the
audience raised a shout of exultation, and one of the warriors
stealing behind him, gave him the coup de grace with a hatchet.

Lismahago's bride, the squaw Squinkinacoosta, distinguished
herself on this occasion. -- She shewed a great superiority of
genius in the tortures which she contrived and executed with her
own hands. -- She vied with the stoutest warrior in eating the
flesh of the sacrifice; and after all the other females were
fuddled with dram-drinking, she was not so intoxicated but that
she was able to play the game of the platter with the conjuring
sachem, and afterwards go through the ceremony of her own
wedding, which was consummated that same evening. The captain had
lived very happily with this accomplished squaw for two years,
during which she bore him a son, who is now the representative of
his mother's tribe; but, at length, to his unspeakable grief, she
had died of a fever, occasioned by eating too much raw bear,
which they had killed in a hunting excursion.

By this time, Mr Lismahago was elected sachem, acknowledged first
warrior of the Badger tribe, and dignified with the name or
epithet of Occacanastaogarora, which signifies nimble as a
weasel; but all these advantages and honours he was obliged to
resign, in consequence of being exchanged for the orator of the
community, who had been taken prisoner by the Indians that were
in alliance with the English. At the peace, he had sold out upon
half pay, and was returned to Britain, with a view to pass the
rest of his life in his own country, where he hoped to find some
retreat where his slender finances would afford him a decent
subsistence. Such are the outlines of Mr Lismahago's history, to
which Tabitha did seriously incline her ear; -- indeed, she seemed
to be taken with the same charms that captivated the heart of
Desdemona, who loved the Moor for the dangers he had past.

The description of poor Murphy's sufferings, which threw my
sister Liddy into a swoon, extracted some sighs from the breast
of Mrs Tabby: when she understood he had been rendered unfit for
marriage, she began to spit, and ejaculated, 'Jesus, what cruel
barbarians!' and she made wry faces at the lady's nuptial repast;
but she was eagerly curious to know the particulars of her
marriage-dress; whether she wore high-breasted stays or bodice, a
robe of silk or velvet, and laces of Mechlin or minionette -- she
supposed, as they were connected with the French, she used rouge,
and had her hair dressed in the Parisian fashion. The captain
would have declined giving a catagorical explanation of all these
particulars, observing, in general, that the Indians were too
tenacious of their own customs to adopt the modes of any nation
whatsoever; he said, moreover, that neither the simplicity of
their manners nor the commerce of their country, would admit of
those articles of luxury which are deemed magnificence in Europe;
and that they were too virtuous and sensible to encourage the
introduction of any fashion which might help to render them
corrupt and effeminate.

These observations served only to inflame her desire of knowing
the particulars about which she had enquired; and, with all his
evasion, he could not help discovering the following
circumstances -- that his princess had neither shoes, stockings,
shift, nor any kind of linen -- that her bridal dress consisted of
a petticoat of red bays, and a fringed blanket, fastened about
her shoulders with a copper skewer; but of ornaments she had
great plenty. -- Her hair was curiously plaited, and interwoven
with bobbins of human bone -- one eye-lid was painted green, and
the other yellow; the cheeks were blue, the lips white, the teeth
red, and there was a black list drawn down the middle of the
forehead as far as the tip of the nose -- a couple of gaudy
parrot's feathers were stuck through the division of the
nostrils -- there was a blue stone set in the chin, her ear-rings
consisted of two pieces of hickery, of the size and shape of
drum-sticks -- her arms and legs were adorned with bracelets of
wampum -- her breast glittered with numerous strings of glass
beads -- she wore a curious pouch, or pocket of woven grass,
elegantly painted with various colours -- about her neck was hung
the fresh scalp of a Mohawk warrior, whom her deceased lover had
lately slain in battle -- and, finally, she was anointed from head
to foot with bear's grease, which sent forth a most agreeable

One would imagine that these paraphernalia would not have been
much admired by a modern fine lady; but Mrs Tabitha was resolved
to approve of all the captains connexions. -- She wished, indeed,
the squaw had been better provided with linen; but she owned
there was much taste and fancy in her ornaments; she made no
doubt, therefore, that madam Squinkinacoosta was a young lady of
good sense and rare accomplishments, and a good christian at
bottom. Then she asked whether his consort had been high church
or low-church, presbyterian or anabaptist, or had been favoured
with any glimmering of the new light of the gospel? When he
confessed that she and her whole nation were utter strangers to
the christian faith, she gazed at him with signs of astonishment,
and Humphry Clinker, who chanced to be in the room, uttered a
hollow groan.

After some pause, 'In the name of God, captain Lismahago (cried
she), what religion do they profess?' 'As to religion, madam
(answered the lieutenant), it is among those Indians a matter of
great simplicity -- they never heard of any Alliance between Church
and State. -- They, in general, worship two contending principles;
one the Fountain of all Good, the other the source of all evil.
The common people there, as in other countries, run into the
absurdities of superstition; but sensible men pay adoration to a
Supreme Being, who created and sustains the universe.' 'O! what
pity (exclaimed the pious Tabby), that some holy man has not been
inspired to go and convert these poor heathens!'

The lieutenant told her, that while he resided among them, two
French missionaries arrived, in order to convert them to the
catholic religion; but when they talked of mysteries and
revelations, which they could neither explain nor authenticate,
and called in the evidence of miracles which they believed upon
hearsay; when they taught that the Supreme Creator of Heaven and
Earth had allowed his only Son, his own equal in power and glory,
to enter the bowels of a woman, to be born as a human creature,
to be insulted, flagellated, and even executed as a malefactor;
when they pretended to create God himself, to swallow, digest,
revive, and multiply him ad infinitum, by the help of a little
flour and water, the Indians were shocked at the impiety of their
presumption. -- They were examined by the assembly of the sachems
who desired them to prove the divinity of their mission by some
miracle. -- They answered, that it was not in their power. -- 'If you
were really sent by Heaven for our conversion (said one of the
sachems), you would certainly have some supernatural endowments,
at least you would have the gift of tongues, in order to explain
your doctrine to the different nations among which you are
employed; but you are so ignorant of our language, that you
cannot express yourselves even on the most trifling subjects.' In
a word, the assembly were convinced of their being cheats, and
even suspected them of being spies: they ordered them a bag of
Indian corn apiece, and appointed a guide to conduct them to the
frontiers; but the missionaries having more zeal than discretion,
refused to quit the vineyard. -- They persisted in saying mass, in
preaching, baptizing, and squabbling with the conjurers, or
priests of the country, till they had thrown the whole community
into confusion. -- Then the assembly proceeded to try them as
impious impostors, who represented the Almighty as a trifling,
weak, capricious being, and pretended to make, unmake, and
reproduce him at pleasure; they were, therefore, convicted of
blasphemy and sedition, and condemned to the stale, where they
died singing Salve regina, in a rapture of joy, for the crown of
martyrdom which they had thus obtained.

In the course of this conversation, lieutenant Lismahago dropt
some hints by which it appeared he himself was a free-thinker.
Our aunt seemed to be startled at certain sarcasms he threw out
against the creed of saint Athanasius -- He dwelt much upon the
words, reason, philosophy, and contradiction in terms -- he bid
defiance to the eternity of hell-fire; and even threw such squibs
at the immortality of the soul, as singed a little the whiskers
of Mrs Tabitha's faith; for, by this time she began to look upon
Lismahago as a prodigy of learning and sagacity. -- In short, he
could be no longer insensible to the advances she made towards
his affection; and although there was something repulsive in his
nature, he overcame it so far as to make some return to her
civilities. -- Perhaps, he thought it would be no bad scheme, in a
superannuated lieutenant on half-pay, to effect a conjunction
with an old maid, who, in all probability, had fortune enough to
keep him easy and comfortable in the fag-end of his days -- An
ogling correspondence forthwith commenced between this amiable
pair of originals -- He began to sweeten the natural acidity of his
discourse with the treacle of compliment and commendation -- He
from time to time offered her snuff, of which he himself took
great quantities, and even made her a present of a purse of silk
grass, woven by the hands of the amiable Squinkinacoosta, who had
used it as a shot-pouch in her hunting expeditions.

From Doncaster northwards, all the windows of all the inns are
scrawled with doggeral rhimes, in abuse of the Scotch nation; and
what surprised me very much, I did not perceive one line written
in the way of recrimination -- Curious to hear what Lismahago would
say on this subject, I pointed out to him a very scurrilous
epigram against his countrymen, which was engraved on one of the
windows of the parlour where we sat. -- He read it with the most
starched composure; and when I asked his opinion of the poetry,
'It is vara terse and vara poignant (said he); but with the help
of a wat dish-clout, it might be rendered more clear and
parspicuous. -- I marvel much that some modern wit has not
published a collection of these essays under the title of the
Glaziers Triumph over Sawney the Scot -- I'm persuaded it would be
a vara agreeable offering to the patriots of London and
Westminster.' When I expressed some surprize that the natives of
Scotland, who travel this way, had not broke all the windows upon
the road, 'With submission (replied the lieutenant), that were
but shallow policy -- it would only serve to make the satire more
cutting and severe; and I think it is much better to let it stand
in the window, than have it presented in the reckoning.'

My uncle's jaws began to quiver with indignation. -- He said, the
scribblers of such infamous stuff deserved to be scourged at the
cart's tail for disgracing their country with such monuments of
malice and stupidity. -- 'These vermin (said he) do not consider,
that they are affording their fellow subjects, whom they abuse,
continual matter of self-gratulation, as well as the means of
executing the most manly vengeance that can be taken for such
low, illiberal attacks. For my part, I admire the philosophic
forbearance of the Scots, as much as I despise the insolence of
those wretched libellers, which is akin to the arrogance of the
village cock, who never crows but upon his own dunghill.' The
captain, with an affectation of candour, observed, that men of
illiberal minds were produced in every soil; that in supposing
those were the sentiments of the English in general, he should
pay too great a compliment to is own country, which was not of
consequence enough to attract the envy of such a flourishing and
powerful people.

Mrs Tabby broke forth again in praise of his moderation, and
declared that Scotland was the soil which produced every virtue
under heaven. When Lismahago took his leave for the night, she
asked her brother if the captain was not the prettiest gentleman
he had ever seen; and whether there was not something wonderfully
engaging in his aspect? -- Mr Bramble having eyed her sometime in
silence, 'Sister (said he), the lieutenant is, for aught I know,
an honest man and a good officer -- he has a considerable share of
understanding, and a title to more encouragement than he seems to
have met with in life; but I cannot, with a safe conscience,
affirm, that he is the prettiest gentleman I ever saw; neither
can I descern any engaging charm in his countenance, which, I vow
to God, is, on the contrary, very hard-favoured and forbidding.'

I have endeavoured to ingratiate myself with this North-Briton,
who is really a curiosity; but he has been very shy of my
conversation ever since I laughed at his asserting that the
English tongue was spoke with more propriety at Edinburgh than at
London. Looking at me with a double squeeze of souring in his
aspect, 'If the old definition be true (said he), that risibility
is the distinguishing characteristic of a rational creature, the
English are the most distinguished for rationality of any people
I ever knew.' I owned, that the English were easily struck with
any thing that appeared ludicrous, and apt to laugh accordingly;
but it did not follow, that, because they were more given to
laughter, they had more rationality than their neighbours: I
said, such an inference would be an injury to the Scots, who were
by no means defective in rationality, though generally supposed
little subject to the impressions of humour.

The captain answered, that this supposition must have been
deduced either from their conversation or their compositions, of
which the English could not possibly judge with precision, as
they did not understand the dialect used by the Scots in common
discourse, as well as in their works of humour. When I desired to
know what those works of humour were, he mentioned a considerable
number of pieces, which he insisted were equal in point of humour
to any thing extant in any language dead or living -- He, in
particular, recommended a collection of detached poems, in two
small volumes, intituled, The Ever-Green, and the works of Allan
Ramsay, which I intend to provide myself with at Edinburgh. -- He
observed, that a North-Briton is seen to a disadvantage in an
English company, because he speaks in a dialect that they can't
relish, and in a phraseology which they don't understand. -- He
therefore finds himself under a restraint, which is a great enemy
to wit and humour. -- These are faculties which never appear in
full lustre, but when the mind is perfectly at ease, and, as an
excellent writer says, enjoys her elbow-room.

He proceeded to explain his assertion that the English language
was spoken with greater propriety at Edinburgh than in London. He
said, what we generally called the Scottish dialect was, in fact,
true, genuine old English, with a mixture of some French terms
and idioms, adopted in a long intercourse betwixt the French and
Scotch nations; that the modern English, from affectation and
false refinement, had weakened, and even corrupted their
language, by throwing out the guttural sounds, altering the
pronunciation and the quantity, and disusing many words and terms
of great significance. In consequence of these innovations, the
works of our best poets, such as Chaucer, Spenser, and even
Shakespeare, were become, in many parts, unintelligible to the
natives of South Britain, whereas the Scots, who retain the
antient language, understand them without the help of a glossary.
'For instance (said he), how have your commentators been puzzled
by the following expression in the Tempest -- He's gentle and not
fearful: as if it was a paralogism to say, that being gentle, he
must of course be courageous: but the truth is, one of the
original meanings, if not the sole meaning, of that word was,
noble, high-minded; and to this day, a Scotch woman, in the
situation of the young lady in the Tempest, would express herself
nearly in the same terms -- Don't provoke him; for being gentle,
that is, high-spirited, he won't tamely bear an insult. Spenser,
in the very first stanza of his Fairy Queen, says,

A gentle knight was pricking on the plain;

which knight, far from being tame and fearful, was so stout that

Nothing did he dread, but ever was ydrad.

To prove that we had impaired the energy of our language by false
refinement, he mentioned the following words, which, though
widely different in signification, are pronounced exactly in the
same manner wright, write, right, rite; but among the Scots,
these words are as different in pronunciation, as they are in
meaning and orthography; and this is the case with many others
which he mentioned by way of illustration. -- He, moreover, took
notice, that we had (for what reason he could never learn)
altered the sound of our vowels from that which is retained by
all the nations in Europe; an alteration which rendered the
language extremely difficult to foreigners, and made it almost
impracticable to lay down general rules for orthography and
pronunciation. Besides, the vowels were no longer simple sounds
in the mouth of an Englishman, who pronounced both i and u as
dipthongs. Finally, he affirmed, that we mumbled our speech with
our lips and teeth, and ran the words together without pause or
distinction, in such a manner, that a foreigner, though he
understood English tolerably well, was often obliged to have
recourse to a Scotchman to explain what a native of England had
said in his own language.

The truth of this remark was confirmed by Mr Bramble from his own
experience; but he accounted for it on another principle. He
said, the same observation would hold in all languages; that a
Swiss talking French was more easily understood than a Parisian,
by a foreigner who had not made himself master of the language;
because every language had its peculiar recitative, and it would
always require more pains, attention, and practice, to acquire
both the words and the music, than to learn the words only; and
yet no body would deny, that the one was imperfect without the
other: he therefore apprehended, that the Scotchman and the Swiss
were better understood by learners, because they spoke the words
only, without the music, which they could not rehearse. One would
imagine this check might have damped the North Briton; but it
served only to agitate his humour for disputation. -- He said, if
every nation had its own recitative or music, the Scots had
theirs, and the Scotchman who had not yet acquired the cadence of
the English, would naturally use his own in speaking their
language; therefore, if he was better understood than the native,
his recitative must be more intelligible than that of the
English; of consequence, the dialect of the Scots had an
advantage over that of their fellow-subjects, and this was
another strong presumption that the modern English had corrupted
their language in the article of pronunciation.

The lieutenant was, by this time, become so polemical, that every
time he opened his mouth out flew a paradox, which he maintained
with all the enthusiasm of altercation; but all his paradoxes
favoured strong of a partiality for his own country. He undertook
to prove that poverty was a blessing to a nation; that oatmeal
was preferable to wheat-flour; and that the worship of Cloacina,
in temples which admitted both sexes, and every rank of votaries
promiscuously, was a filthy species of idolatry that outraged
every idea of delicacy and decorum. I did not so much wonder at
his broaching these doctrines, as at the arguments, equally
whimsical and ingenious, which he adduced in support of them.

In fine, lieutenant Lismahago is a curiosity which I have not yet
sufficiently perused; and therefore I shall be sorry when we lose
his company, though, God knows, there is nothing very amiable in
his manner or disposition. -- As he goes directly to the south-west
division of Scotland, and we proceed in the road to Berwick, we
shall part tomorrow at a place called Feltonbridge; and, I dare
say, this separation will be very grievous to our aunt Mrs
Tabitha, unless she has received some flattering assurance of his
meeting her again. If I fail in my purpose of entertaining you
with these unimportant occurrences, they will at least serve as
exercises of patience, for which you are indebted to

Yours always,
MORPETH, July 13.



I have now reached the northern extremity of England, and see,
close to my chamber-window, the Tweed gliding through the arches
of that bridge which connects this suburb to the town of
Berwick. -- Yorkshire you have seen, and therefore I shall say
nothing of that opulent province. The city of Durham appears like
a confused heap of stones and brick, accumulated so as to cover a
mountain, round which a river winds its brawling course. The
Streets are generally narrow, dark, and unpleasant, and many of
them almost impassible in consequence of their declivity. The
cathedral is a huge gloomy pile; but the clergy are well lodged. --
The bishop lives in a princely manner -- the golden prebends keep
plentiful tables -- and, I am told, there is some good sociable
company in the place; but the country, when viewed from the top
of Gateshead-Fell, which extends to Newcastle, exhibits the
highest scene of cultivation that ever I beheld. As for
Newcastle, it lies mostly in a bottom, on the banks of the Tyne,
and makes an appearance still more disagreeable than that of
Durham; but it is rendered populous and rich by industry and
commerce; and the country lying on both sides the river, above
the town, yields a delightful prospect of agriculture and
plantation. Morpeth and Alnwick are neat, pretty towns, and this
last is famous for the castle which has belonged so many ages to
the noble house of Piercy, earls of Northumberland. -- It is,
doubtless, a large edifice, containing a great number of
apartments, and stands in a commanding situation; but the
strength of it seems to have consisted not so much in its site,
or the manner in which it is fortified, as in the valour of its

Our adventures since we left Scarborough, are scarce worth
reciting; and yet I must make you acquainted with my sister
Tabby's progress in husband-hunting, after her disappointments at
Bath and London. She had actually begun to practise upon a
certain adventurer, who was in fact a highwayman by profession;
but he had been used to snares much more dangerous than any she
could lay, and escaped accordingly. Then she opened her batteries
upon an old weather-beaten Scotch lieutenant, called Lismahago,
who joined us at Durham, and is, I think, one of the most
singular personages I ever encountered -- His manner is as harsh as
his countenance; but his peculiar turn of thinking, and his pack
of knowledge made up of the remnants of rarities, rendered his
conversation desirable, in spite of his pedantry and ungracious
address. I have often met with a crab-apple in a hedge, which I
have been tempted to eat for its flavour, even while I was
disgusted by its austerity. The spirit of contradiction is
naturally so strong in Lismahago, that I believe in my conscience
he has rummaged, and read, and studied with indefatigable
attention, in order to qualify himself to refute established
maxims, and thus raise trophies for the gratification of
polemical pride. -- Such is the asperity of his self-conceit, that
he will not even acquiesce in a transient compliment made to his
own individual in particular, or to his country in general.

When I observed, that he must have read a vast number of books to
be able to discourse on such a variety of subjects, he declared
he had read little or nothing, and asked how he should find books
among the woods of America, where he had spent the greatest part
of his life. My nephew remarking that the Scots in general were
famous for their learning, he denied the imputation, and defied
him to prove it from their works -- 'The Scots (said he) have a
slight tincture of letters, with which they make a parade among
people who are more illiterate than themselves; but they may be
said to float on the surface of science, and they have made very
small advances in the useful arts.' 'At least (cried Tabby), all
the world allows that the Scots behaved gloriously in fighting
and conquering the savages of America.' 'I can assure you, madam,
you have been misinformed (replied the lieutenant); in that
continent the Scots did nothing more than their duty, nor was
there one corps in his majesty's service that distinguished
itself more than another. -- Those who affected to extol the Scots
for superior merit, were no friends to that nation.'

Though he himself made free with his countrymen, he would not
suffer any other person to glance a sarcasm at them with
impunity. One of the company chancing to mention lord B--'s
inglorious peace, the lieutenant immediately took up the cudgels
in his lordship's favour, and argued very strenuously to prove
that it was the most honourable and advantageous peace that
England had ever made since the foundation of the monarchy. -- Nay,
between friends, he offered such reasons on this subject, that I
was really confounded, if not convinced. -- He would not allow that
the Scots abounded above their proportion in the army and navy of
Great-Britain, or that the English had any reason to say his
countrymen had met with extraordinary encouragement in the
service. 'When a South and North-Briton (said he) are competitors
for a place or commission, which is in the disposal of an English
minister or an English general, it would be absurd to suppose
that the preference will not be given to the native of England,
who has so many advantages over his rival. -- First and foremost,
he has in his favour that laudable partiality, which, Mr Addison
says, never fails to cleave to the heart of an Englishman; secondly,
he has more powerful connexions, and a greater share of parliamentary
interest, by which those contests are generally decided; and
lastly, he has a greater command of money to smooth the way to
his success. For my own part (said he), I know no Scotch officer,
who has risen in the army above the rank of a subaltern, without
purchasing every degree of preferment either with money or
recruits; but I know many gentlemen of that country, who, for
want of money and interest, have grown grey in the rank of
lieutenants; whereas very few instances of this ill-fortune are
to be found among the natives of South-Britain. -- Not that I would
insinuate that my countrymen have the least reason to complain.
Preferment in the service, like success in any other branch of
traffic, will naturally favour those who have the greatest stock
of cash and credit, merit and capacity being supposed equal on
all sides.'

But the most hardy of all this original's positions were these:
That commerce would, sooner or later, prove the ruin of every
nation, where it flourishes to any extent -- that the parliament
was the rotten part of the British constitution -- that the liberty
of the press was a national evil -- and that the boasted
institution of juries, as managed in England, was productive of
shameful perjury and flagrant injustice. He observed, that
traffick was an enemy to all the liberal passions of the soul,
founded on the thirst of lucre, a sordid disposition to take
advantage of the necessities of our fellow creatures. -- He
affirmed, the nature of commerce was such, that it could not be
fixed or perpetuated, but, having flowed to a certain height,
would immediately begin to ebb, and so continue till the
channels should be left almost dry; but there was no instance of
the tide's rising a second time to any considerable influx in the
same nation. Mean while the sudden affluence occasioned by trade,
forced open all the sluices of luxury and overflowed the land
with every species of profligacy and corruption; a total pravity
of manners would ensue, and this must be attended with bankruptcy
and ruin. He observed of the parliament, that the practice of
buying boroughs, and canvassing for votes, was an avowed system
of venality, already established on the ruins of principle,
integrity, faith, and good order, in consequence of which the
elected and the elector, and, in short, the whole body of the
people, were equally and universally contaminated and corrupted.
He affirmed, that of a parliament thus constituted, the crown
would always have influence enough to secure a great majority in
its dependence, from the great number of posts, places, and
pensions it had to bestow; that such a parliament would (as it
had already done) lengthen the term of its sitting and authority,
whenever the prince should think it for his interest to continue
the representatives, for, without doubt, they had the same right
to protect their authority ad infinitum, as they had to extend it
from three to seven years. -- With a parliament, therefore,
dependent upon the crown, devoted to the prince, and supported by
a standing army, garbled and modelled for the purpose, any king
of England may, and probably some ambitious sovereign will,
totally overthrow all the bulwarks of the constitution; for it is
not to be supposed that a prince of high spirit will tamely
submit to be thwarted in all his measures, abused and insulted by
a populace of unbridled ferocity, when he has it in his power to
crush all opposition under his feet with the concurrence of the
legislature. He said, he should always consider the liberty of
the press as a national evil, while it enabled the vilest reptile
to soil the lustre of the most shining merit, and furnished the
most infamous incendiary with the means of disturbing the peace
and destroying the good order of the community. He owned,
however, that under due restrictions, it would be a valuable
privilege; but affirmed, that at present there was no law in
England sufficient to restrain it within proper bounds.

With respect to juries, he expressed himself to this effect: --
juries are generally composed of illiterate plebeians, apt to be
mistaken, easily misled, and open to sinister influence; for if
either of the parties to be tried, can gain over one of the
twelve jurors, he has secured the verdict in his favour; the
juryman thus brought over will, in despight of all evidence and
conviction, generally hold out till his fellows are fatigued, and
harassed, and starved into concurrence; in which case the verdict
is unjust, and the jurors are all perjured: but cases will often
occur, when the jurors are really divided in opinion, and each
side is convinced in opposition to the other; but no verdict will
be received, unless they are unanimous, and they are all bound,
not only in conscience, but by oath, to judge and declare
according to their conviction. -- What then will be the
consequence? -- They must either starve in company, or one side
must sacrifice their conscience to their convenience, and join in
a verdict which they believe to be false. This absurdity is
avoided in Sweden, where a bare majority is sufficient; and in
Scotland, where two thirds of the jury are required to concur in
the verdict.

You must not imagine that all these deductions were made on his
part, without contradictions on mine. -- No -- the truth is, I found
myself piqued in point of honour, at his pretending to be so much
wiser than his neighbours. -- I questioned all his assertions,
started innumerable objections, argued and wrangled with uncommon
perseverance, and grew very warm, and even violent, in the
debate. -- Sometimes he was puzzled, and once or twice, I think,
fairly refuted; but from those falls he rose again, like Antaeus,
with redoubled vigour, till at length I was tired, exhausted, and
really did not know how to proceed, when luckily he dropped a
hint, by which he discovered he had been bred to the law; a
confession which enabled me to retire from the dispute with a
good grace, as it could not be supposed that a man like me, who
had been bred to nothing, should be able to cope with a veteran
in his own profession. I believe, however, that I shall for some
time continue to chew the cud of reflection upon many
observations which this original discharged.

Whether our sister Tabby was really struck with his conversation,
or is resolved to throw at every thing she meets in the shape of
a man, till she can fasten the matrimonial noose, certain it is,
she has taken desperate strides towards the affection of
Lismahago, who cannot be said to have met her half way, though he
does not seem altogether insensible to her civilities. -- She
insinuated more than once how happy we should be to have his
company through that part of Scotland which we proposed to visit,
till at length he plainly told us, that his road was totally
different from that which we intended to take; that, for his
part, his company would be of very little service to us in our
progress, as he was utterly unacquainted with the country, which
he had left in his early youth, consequently, he could neither
direct us in our enquiries, nor introduce us to any family of
distinction. He said, he was stimulated by an irresistible
impulse to revisit the paternus lar, or patria domus, though he
expected little satisfaction, inasmuch as he understood that his
nephew, the present possessor, was but ill qualified to support
the honour of the family. -- He assured us, however, as we design
to return by the west road, that he will watch our motions, and
endeavour to pay his respects to us at Dumfries. -- Accordingly he
took his leave of us at a place half way betwixt Morpeth and
Alnwick, and pranced away in great state, mounted on a tall,
meagre, raw-boned, shambling grey gelding, without e'er a tooth
in his head, the very counter-part of the rider; and, indeed, the
appearance of the two was so picturesque, that I would give
twenty guineas to have them tolerably presented on canvas.

Northumberland is a fine county, extending to the Tweed, which is
a pleasant pastoral stream; but you will be surprised when I tell
you that the English side of that river is neither so well
cultivated nor so populous as the other. -- The farms are thinly
scattered, the lands uninclosed, and scarce a gentleman's seat
is to be seen in some miles from the Tweed; whereas the Scots are
advanced in crowds to the very brink of the river, so that you
may reckon above thirty good houses, in the compass of a few
miles, belonging to proprietors whose ancestors had fortified
castles in the same situations, a circumstance that shews what
dangerous neighbours the Scots must have formerly been to the
northern counties of England.

Our domestic oeconomy continues on the old footing. -- My sister
Tabby still adheres to methodism, and had the benefit of a sermon
at Wesley's meeting in Newcastle; but I believe the Passion of
love has in some measure abated the fervour of devotion both in
her and her woman, Mrs Jenkins, about whose good graces there has
been a violent contest betwixt my nephew's valet, Mr Dutton, and
my man, Humphry Clinker. -- Jery has been obliged to interpose his
authority to keep the peace, and to him I have left the
discussion of that important affair, which had like to have
kindled the flames of discord in the family of

Yours always,

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. at Oxon.


In my two last you had so much of Lismahago, that I suppose you
are glad he is gone off the stage for the present. -- I must now
descend to domestic occurrences. -- Love, it seems, is resolved to
assert his dominion over all the females of our family. -- After
having practised upon poor Liddy's heart, and played strange
vagaries with our aunt Mrs Tabitha, he began to run riot in the
affections of her woman, Mrs Winifred Jenkins, whom I have had
occasion to mention more than once in the course of our memoirs.
Nature intended Jenkins for something very different from the
character of her mistress; yet custom and habit have effected a
wonderful resemblance betwixt them in many particulars. Win, to
be sure, is much younger and more agreeable in her person; she is
likewise tender-hearted and benevolent, qualities for which her
mistress is by no means remarkable, no more than she is for being
of a timorous disposition, and much subject to fits of the
mother, which are the infirmities of Win's constitution: but then
she seems to have adopted Mrs Tabby's manner with her cast
cloaths. -- She dresses and endeavours to look like her mistress,
although her own looks are much more engaging. -- She enters into
her scheme of oeconomy, learns her phrases, repeats her remarks,
imitates her stile in scolding the inferior servants, and,
finally, subscribes implicitly to her system of devotion. -- This,
indeed, she found the more agreeable, as it was in a great
measure introduced and confirmed by the ministry of Clinker, with
whose personal merit she seems to have been struck ever since he
exhibited the pattern of his naked skin at Marlborough.

Nevertheless, though Humphry had this double hank upon her
inclinations, and exerted all his power to maintain the conquest
he had made, he found it impossible to guard it on the side of
vanity, where poor Win was as frail as any female in the kingdom.
In short, my rascal Dutton professed himself her admirer, and, by
dint of his outlandish qualifications, threw his rival Clinker
out of the saddle of her heart. Humphry may be compared to an
English pudding, composed of good wholesome flour and suet, and
Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth, which, though agreeable to
the taste, has nothing solid or substantial. The traitor not only
dazzled her, with his second-hand finery, but he fawned, and
flattered, and cringed -- he taught her to take rappee, and
presented her with a snuff-box of papier mache -- he supplied her
with a powder for her teeth -- he mended her complexion, and he
dressed her hair in the Paris fashion -- he undertook to be her
French master and her dancing-master, as well as friseur, and
thus imperceptibly wound himself into her good graces. Clinker
perceived the progress he had made, and repined in secret. -- He
attempted to open her eyes in the way of exhortation, and finding
it produced no effect had recourse to prayer. At Newcastle, while
he attended Mrs Tabby to the methodist meeting his rival
accompanied Mrs Jenkins to the play. He was dressed in a silk
coat, made at Paris for his former master, with a tawdry
waistcoat of tarnished brocade; he wore his hair in a great bag
with a huge solitaire, and a long sword dangled from his thigh.
The lady was all of a flutter with faded lutestring, washed
gauze, and ribbons three times refreshed; but she was most
remarkable for the frisure of her head, which rose, like a
pyramid, seven inches above the scalp, and her face was primed
and patched from the chin up to the eyes; nay, the gallant
himself had spared neither red nor white in improving the nature
of his own complexion. In this attire, they walked together
through the high street to the theatre, and as they passed for
players ready dressed for acting, they reached it unmolested; but
as it was still light when they returned, and by that time the
people had got information of their real character and condition,
they hissed and hooted all the way, and Mrs Jenkins was all
bespattered with dirt, as well as insulted with the opprobrious
name of painted Jezabel, so that her fright and mortification
threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came home.

Clinker was so incensed at Dutton, whom he considered as the
cause of her disgrace, that he upbraided him severely for having
turned the poor woman's brain. The other affected to treat him
with contempt, and mistaking his forbearance for want of courage,
threatened to horse-whip him into good manners. Humphry then came
to me, humbly begging I would give him leave to chastise my
servant for his insolence -- 'He has challenged me to fight him at
sword's point (said he); but I might as well challenge him to
make a horse-shoe, or a plough iron; for I know no more of the
one than he does of the other. -- Besides, it doth not become
servants to use those weapons, or to claim the privilege of
gentlemen to kill one another when they fall out; moreover, I
would not have his blood upon my conscience for ten thousand
times the profit or satisfaction I should get by his death; but
if your honour won't be angry, I'll engage to gee 'en a good
drubbing, that, may hap, will do 'en service, and I'll take care
it shall do 'en no harm.' I said, I had no objection to what he
proposed, provided he could manage matters so as not to be found
the aggressor, in case Dutton should prosecute him for an assault
and battery.

Thus licensed, he retired; and that same evening easily provoked
his rival to strike the first blow, which Clinker returned with
such interest that he was obliged to call for quarter, declaring,
at the same time, that he would exact severe and bloody
satisfaction the moment we should pass the border, when he could
run him through the body without fear of the consequence. -- This
scene passed in presence of lieutenant Lismahago, who encouraged
Clinker to hazard a thrust of cold iron with his antagonist.
'Cold iron (cried Humphry) I shall never use against the life of
any human creature; but I am so far from being afraid of his cold
iron, that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good cudgel,
which shall always be at his service.' In the mean time, the fair
cause of this contest, Mrs Winifred Jenkins, seemed overwhelmed
with affliction, and Mr Clinker acted much on the reserve, though
he did not presume to find fault with her conduct.

The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to a very
unexpected issue. Among our fellow-lodgers at Berwick, was a
couple from London, bound to Edinburgh, on the voyage of
matrimony. The female was the daughter and heiress of a
pawnbroker deceased, who had given her guardians the slip, and
put herself under the tuition of a tall Hibernian, who had
conducted her thus far in quest of a clergyman to unite them in
marriage, without the formalities required by the law of England.
I know not how the lover had behaved on the road, so as to
decline in the favour of his inamorata; but, in all probability,
Dutton perceived a coldness on her side, which encouraged him to
whisper, it was a pity she should have cast affections upon a
taylor, which he affirmed the Irishman to be. This discovery
completed her disgust, of which my man taking the advantage,
began to recommend himself to her good graces, and the smooth-tongued
rascal found no difficulty to insinuate himself into the
place of her heart, from which the other had been discarded --
Their resolution was immediately taken. In the morning, before
day, while poor Teague lay snoring a-bed, his indefatigable rival
ordered a post-chaise, and set out with the lady for Coldstream,
a few miles up the Tweed, where there was a parson who dealt in
this branch of commerce, and there they were noosed, before the
Irishman ever dreamt of the matter. But when he got up at six
o'clock, and found the bird was flown, he made such a noise as
alarmed the whole house. One of the first persons he encountered,
was the postilion returned from Coldstream, where he had been
witness to the marriage, and over and above an handsome gratuity,
had received a bride's favour, which he now wore in his cap -- When
the forsaken lover understood they were actually married, and set
out for London; and that Dutton had discovered to the lady, that
he (the Hibernian) was a taylor, he had like to have run
distracted. He tore the ribbon from the fellow's cap, and beat it
about his ears. He swore he would pursue him to the gates of
hell, and ordered a post-chaise and four to be got ready as soon
as possible; but, recollecting that his finances would not admit
of this way of travelling, he was obliged to countermand this

For my part, I knew nothing at all of what had happened, till the
postilion brought me the keys of my trunk and portmanteau, which
he had received from Dutton, who sent me his respects, hoping I
would excuse him for his abrupt departure, as it was a step upon
which his fortune depended. Before I had time to make my uncle
acquainted with this event, the Irishman burst into my chamber,
without any introduction, exclaiming, -- 'By my soul, your sarvant
has robbed me of five thousand pounds, and I'll have
satisfaction, if I should be hanged tomorrow.' -- When I asked him
who he was, 'My name (said he) is Master Macloughlin but it
should be Leighlin Oneale, for I am come from Tir-Owen the Great;
and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland; and that
rogue, your sarvant, said I was a taylor, which was as big a lie
as if he had called me the pope -- I'm a man of fortune, and have
spent all I had; and so being in distress, Mr Coshgrave, the
fashioner in Shuffolk-street, tuck me out, and made me his own
private shecretary: by the same token, I was the last he bailed;
for his friends obliged him to tie himself up, that he would bail
no more above ten pounds; for why, becaase as how, he could not
refuse any body that asked, and therefore in time would have
robbed himself of his whole fortune, and, if he had lived long at
that rate, must have died bankrupt very soon and so I made my
addresses to Miss Skinner, a young lady of five thousand pounds
fortune, who agreed to take me for better nor worse; and, to be
sure, this day would have put me in possession, if it had not
been for that rogue, your sarvant, who came like a tief, and
stole away my property, and made her believe I was a taylor; and
that she was going to marry the ninth part of a man: but the
devil burn my soul, if ever I catch him on the mountains of
Tulloghobegly, if I don't shew him that I'm nine times as good a
man as he, or e'er a bug of his country.'

When he had rung out his first alarm, I told him I was sorry he
had allowed himself to be so jockied; but it was no business of
mine; and that the fellow who robbed him of his bride, had
likewise robbed me of my servant -- 'Didn't I tell you then (cried
he) that Rogue was his true Christian name. -- Oh if I had but one
fair trust with him upon the sod, I'd give him lave to brag all
the rest of his life.'

My uncle hearing the noise, came in, and being informed of this
adventure, began to comfort Mr Oneale for the lady's elopement;
observing that he seemed to have had a lucky escape, that it was
better she should elope before, than after marriage -- The
Hibernian was of a very different opinion. He said, 'If he had
been once married, she might have eloped as soon as she pleased;
he would have taken care that she should not have carried her
fortune along with her -- Ah (said he) she's a Judas Iscariot, and
has betrayed me with a kiss; and, like Judas, she carried the
bag, and has not left me money enough to bear my expences back to
London; and so I'm come to this pass, and the rogue that was the
occasion of it has left you without a sarvant, you may put me in
his place; and by Jasus, it is the best thing you can do.' -- I
begged to be excused, declaring I could put up with any
inconvenience, rather than treat as a footman the descendant of
Tir-Owen the Great. I advised him to return to his friend, Mr
Cosgrave, and take his passage from Newcastle by sea, towards
which I made him a small present, and he retired, seemingly
resigned to his evil fortune. I have taken upon trial a
Scotchman, called Archy M'Alpin, an old soldier, whose last
master, a colonel, lately died at Berwick. The fellow is old and
withered; but he has been recommended to me for his fidelity, by
Mrs Humphreys, a very good sort of a woman, who keeps the inn at
Tweedmouth, and is much respected by all the travellers on this

Clinker, without doubt, thinks himself happy in the removal of a
dangerous rival, and he is too good a Christian, to repine at
Dutton's success. Even Mrs Jenkins will have reason to
congratulate herself upon this event, when she cooly reflects
upon the matter; for, howsoever she was forced from her poise for
a season, by snares laid for her vanity, Humphry is certainly the
north-star to which the needle of her affection would have
pointed at the long run. At present, the same vanity is
exceedingly mortified, upon finding herself abandoned by her new
admirer, in favour of another inamorata. She received the news
with a violent burst of laughter, which soon brought on a fit of
crying; and this gave the finishing blow to the patience of her
mistress, which had held out beyond all expectation. She now
opened all those floodgates of reprehension, which had been shut
so long. She not only reproached her with her levity and
indiscretion, but attacked her on the score of religion,
declaring roundly that she was in a state of apostacy and
reprobation; and finally, threatened to send her a packing at
this extremity of the kingdom. All the family interceded for poor
Winifred, not even excepting her slighted swain, Mr Clinker, who,
on his knees, implored and obtained her pardon.

There was, however, another consideration that gave Mrs Tabitha
some disturbance. At Newcastle, the servants had been informed by
some wag, that there was nothing to eat in Scotland, but oat-meal
and sheep's-heads; and lieutenant Lismahago being consulted, what
he said served rather to confirm than to refute the report. Our
aunt being apprised of this circumstance, very gravely
advised her brother to provide a sumpter horse with store of
hams, tongues, bread, biscuit, and other articles for our
subsistence, in the course of our peregrination, and Mr Bramble
as gravely replied, that he would take the hint into
consideration: but, finding no such provision was made, she now
revived the proposal, observing that there was a tolerable market
at Berwick, where we might be supplied; and that my man's horse
would serve as a beast of burthen -- The 'squire, shrugging his
shoulders, eyed her askance with a look of ineffable contempt:
and, after some pause, 'Sister (said he), I can hardly persuade
myself you are serious.' She was so little acquainted with the
geography of the island, that she imagined we could not go to
Scotland but by sea; and, after we had passed through the town of
Berwick, when he told her we were upon Scottish ground, she could
hardly believe the assertion -- If the truth must be told, the
South Britons in general are woefully ignorant in this
particular. What, between want of curiosity, and traditional
sarcasms, the effect of ancient animosity, the people at the
other end of the island know as little of Scotland as of Japan.

If I had never been in Wales, I should have been more struck with
the manifest difference in appearance betwixt the peasants and
commonalty on different sides of the Tweed. The boors of
Northumberland are lusty fellows, fresh complexioned, cleanly,
and well cloathed; but the labourers in Scotland are generally
lank, lean, hard-featured, sallow, soiled, and shabby, and their
little pinched blue caps have a beggarly effect. The cattle are
much in the same stile with their drivers, meagre, stunted, and
ill equipt. When I talked to my uncle on this subject, he said,
'Though all the Scottish hinds would not bear to be compared with
those of the rich counties of South Britain, they would stand
very well in competition with the peasants of France, Italy, and
Savoy -- not to mention the mountaineers of Wales, and the red-shanks
of Ireland.'

We entered Scotland by a frightful moor of sixteen miles, which
promises very little for the interior parts of the kingdom; but
the prospect mended as we advanced. Passing through Dunbar, which
is a neat little town, situated on the sea-side, we lay at a
country inn, where our entertainment far exceeded our
expectation; but for this we cannot give the Scots credit, as the
landlord is a native of England. Yesterday we dined at
Haddington, which has been a place of some consideration, but is
now gone to decay; and in the evening arrived at this metropolis,
of which I can say very little. It is very romantic, from its
situation on the declivity of a hill, having a fortified castle
at the top, and a royal palace at the bottom. The first thing
that strikes the nose of a stranger, shall be nameless; but what
first strikes the eye, is the unconscionable height of the
houses, which generally rise to five, six, seven, and eight
stories, and, in some places (as I am assured), to twelve. This
manner of building, attended with numberless inconveniences, must
have been originally owing to want of room. Certain it is, the
town seems to be full of people: but their looks, their language,
and their customs, are so different from ours, that I can hardly
believe myself in Great-Britain.

The inn at which we put up (if it may be so called) was so filthy
and disagreeable in all respects, that my uncle began to fret,
and his gouty symptoms to recur -- Recollecting, however, that he
had a letter of recommendation to one Mr Mitchelson, a lawyer, he
sent it by his servant, with a compliment, importing that we
would wait upon him next day in person; but that gentleman
visited us immediately, and insisted upon our going to his own
house, until he could provide lodgings for our accommodation. We
gladly accepted, of his invitation, and repaired to his house,
where we were treated with equal elegance and hospitality, to the
utter confusion of our aunt, whose prejudices, though beginning
to give way, were not yet entirely removed. To-day, by the
assistance of our friend, we are settled in convenient lodgings,
up four pair of stairs, in the High-street, the fourth story
being, in this city, reckoned more genteel than the first. The
air is, in all probability, the better; but it requires good
lungs to breathe it at this distance above the surface of the
earth. -- While I do remain above it, whether higher or lower,
provided I breathe at all,

I shall ever be,
Dear Phillips, yours,
July 18.



That part of Scotland contiguous to Berwick, nature seems to have
intended as a barrier between two hostile nations. It is a brown
desert of considerable extent, that produces nothing but heath
and fern; and what rendered it the more dreary when we passed,
there was a thick fog that hindered us from seeing above twenty
yards from the carriage -- My sister began to make wry faces, and
use her smelling-bottle; Liddy looked blank, and Mrs Jenkins
dejected; but in a few hours these clouds were dissipated; the
sea appeared upon our right, and on the left the mountains
retired a little, leaving an agreeable plain betwixt them and the
beach; but, what surprised us all, this plain, to the extent of
several miles, was covered with as fine wheat as ever I saw in
the most fertile parts of South Britain -- This plentiful crop is
raised in the open field, without any inclosure, or other manure
than the alga marina, or seaweed, which abounds on this coast; a
circumstance which shews that the soil and climate are
favourable; but that agriculture in this country is not yet
brought to that perfection which it has attained in England.
Inclosures would not only keep the grounds warm, and the several
fields distinct, but would also protect the crop from the high
winds, which are so frequent in this part of the island.

Dunbar is well situated for trade, and has a curious bason, where
ships of small burthen may be perfectly secure; but there is
little appearance of business in the place -- From thence, all the
way to Edinburgh, there is a continual succession of fine seats,
belonging to noblemen and gentlemen; and as each is surrounded by
its own parks and plantation, they produce a very pleasing effect
in a country which lies otherwise open and exposed. At Dunbar
there is a noble park, with a lodge, belonging to the Duke of
Roxburgh, where Oliver Cromwell had his head-quarters, when
Lesley, at the head of a Scotch army, took possession of the
mountains in the neighbourhood, and hampered him in such a
manner, that he would have been obliged to embark and get away by
sea, had not the fanaticism of the enemy forfeited the advantage
which they had obtained by their general's conduct -- Their
ministers, by exhortation, prayer, assurance, and prophecy,
instigated them to go down and slay the Philistines in Gilgal,
and they quitted their ground accordingly, notwithstanding all
that Lesley could do to restrain the madness of their enthusiasm --
When Oliver saw them in motion, he exclaimed, 'Praised be the
Lord, he hath delivered them into the hands of his servant!' and
ordered his troops to sing a psalm of thanksgiving, while they
advanced in order to the plain, where the Scots were routed with
great slaughter.

In the neighbourhood of Haddington, there is a gentleman's house,
in the building of which, and the improvements about it, he is
said to have expended forty thousand pounds: but I cannot say I
was much pleased with either the architecture or the situation;
though it has in front a pastoral stream, the banks of which are
laid out in a very agreeable manner. I intended to pay my
respects to Lord Elibank, whom I had the honour to know at London
many years ago. He lives in this part of Lothian; but was gone to
the North, on a visit -- You have often heard me mention this
nobleman, whom I have long revered for his humanity and universal
intelligence, over and above the entertainment arising from
originality of his character -- At Musselburgh, however, I had the
good-fortune to drink tea with my old friend Mr Cardonel; and at
his house I met with Dr C--, the parson of the parish, whose
humour and conversation inflamed me with a desire of being better
acquainted with his person -- I am not at all surprised that these
Scots make their way in every quarter of the globe.

This place is but four miles from Edinburgh, towards which we
proceeded along the sea-shore, upon a firm bottom of smooth sand,
which the tide had left uncovered in its retreat -- Edinburgh, from
this avenue, is not seen to much advantage -- We had only an
imperfect view of the Castle and upper parts of the town, which
varied incessantly according to the inflexions of the road, and
exhibited the appearance of detached spires and turrets,
belonging to some magnificent edifice in ruins. The palace of
Holyrood house stands on the left, as you enter the Canon-gate --
This is a street continued from hence to the gate called Nether
Bow, which is now taken away; so that there is no interruption
for a long mile, from the bottom to the top of the hill on which
the castle stands in a most imperial situation -- Considering its
fine pavement, its width, and the lofty houses on each side, this
would be undoubtedly one of the noblest streets in Europe, if an
ugly mass of mean buildings, called the Lucken-Booths, had not
thrust itself, by what accident I know not, into the middle of
the way, like Middle-Row in Holborn. The city stands upon two
hills, and the bottom between them; and, with all its defects,
may very well pass for the capital of a moderate kingdom. -- It is
full of people, and continually resounds with the noise of
coaches and other carriages, for luxury as well as commerce. As
far as I can perceive, here is no want of provisions -- The beef
and mutton are as delicate here as in Wales; the sea affords
plenty of good fish; the bread is remarkably fine; and the water
is excellent, though I'm afraid not in sufficient quantity to
answer all the purposes of cleanliness and convenience; articles
in which, it must be allowed, our fellow-subjects are a little
defective -- The water is brought in leaden pipes from a mountain
in the neighbourhood, to a cistern on the Castle-hill, from
whence it is distributed to public conduits in different parts of
the city. From these it is carried in barrels, on the backs of
male and female porters, up two, three, four, five, six, seven,
and eight pairs of stairs, for the use of particular families --
Every story is a complete house, occupied by a separate family;
and the stair being common to them all, is generally left in a
very filthy condition; a man must tread with great circumspection
to get safe housed with unpolluted shoes -- Nothing can form a
stronger contrast, than the difference betwixt the outside and
inside of the door, for the good-women of this metropolis are
remarkably nice in the ornaments and propriety of their
apartments, as if they were resolved to transfer the imputation
from the individual to the public. You are no stranger to their
method of discharging all their impurities from their windows, at
a certain hour of the night, as the custom is in Spain, Portugal,
and some parts of France and Italy -- A practice to which I can by
no means be reconciled; for notwithstanding all the care that is
taken by their scavengers to remove this nuisance every morning
by break of day, enough still remains to offend the eyes, as well
as other organs of those whom use has not hardened against all
delicacy of sensation.

The inhabitants seem insensible to these impressions, and are apt
to imagine the disgust that we avow is little better than
affectation; but they ought to have some compassion for
strangers, who have not been used to this kind of sufferance; and
consider, whether it may not be worth while to take some pains to
vindicate themselves from the reproach that, on this account,
they bear among their neighbours. As to the surprising height of
their houses, it is absurd in many respects; but in one
particular light I cannot view it without horror; that is, the
dreadful situation of all the families above, in case the common
staircase should be rendered impassable by a fire in the lower
stories -- In order to prevent the shocking consequences that must
attend such an accident, it would be a right measure to open
doors of communication from one house to another, on every story,
by which the people might fly from such a terrible visitation. In
all parts of the world, we see the force of habit prevailing over
all the dictates of convenience and sagacity. All the people of
business at Edinburgh, and even the genteel company, may be seen
standing in crowds every day, from one to two in the afternoon,
in the open street, at a place where formerly stood a market-cross,
which (by the bye) was a curious piece of Gothic
architecture, still to be seen in lord Sommerville's garden in
this neighbourhood -- I say, the people stand in the open street
from the force of custom, rather than move a few yards to an
Exchange that stands empty on one side, or to the Parliament-close
on the other, which is a noble square adorned with a fine
equestrian statue of king Charles II. -- The company thus
assembled, are entertained with a variety of tunes, played upon a
set of bells, fixed in a steeple hard by -- As these bells are
well-toned, and the musician, who has a salary from the city, for
playing upon them with keys, is no bad performer, the
entertainment is really agreeable, and very striking to the ears
of a stranger.

The public inns of Edinburgh are still worse than those of
London; but by means of a worthy gentleman, to whom I was
recommended, we have got decent lodgings in the house of a widow
gentlewoman of the name of Lockhart; and here I shall stay until
I have seen every thing that is remarkable in and about this
capital. I now begin to feel the good effects of exercise -- I eat
like a farmer, sleep from mid-night till eight in the morning
without interruption, and enjoy a constant tide of spirits,
equally distant from inanition and excess; but whatever ebbs or
flows my constitution may undergo, my heart will still declare
that I am,

Dear Lewis,
Your affectionate friend and servant,
EDR. July 18.

To Mrs MARY JONES, at Brambleton-hall.


The 'squire has been so kind as to rap my bit of nonsense under
the kiver of his own sheet -- O, Mary Jones! Mary Jones! I have had
trials and trembulation. God help me! I have been a vixen and a
griffin these many days -- Sattin has had power to temp me in the
shape of van Ditton, the young 'squire's wally de shamble; but by
God's grease he did not purvail -- I thoft as how, there was no arm
in going to a play at Newcastle, with my hair dressed in the
Parish fashion; and as for the trifle of paint, he said as how my
complexion wanted touch, and so I let him put it on with a little
Spanish owl; but a mischievous mob of colliers, and such
promiscous ribble rabble, that could bare no smut but their own,
attacked us in the street, and called me hoar and painted
Issabel, and splashed my close, and spoiled me a complete set of
blond lace triple ruffles, not a pin the worse for the ware -- They
cost me seven good sillings, to lady Griskin's woman at London.

When I axed Mr Clinker what they meant by calling me Issabel, he
put the byebill into my hand, and I read of van Issabel a painted
harlot, that vas thrown out of a vindore, and the dogs came and
licked her blood. But I am no harlot; and, with God's blessing, no
dog shall have my poor blood to lick: marry, Heaven forbid, amen!
As for Ditton, after all his courting, and his compliment, he
stole away an Irishman's bride, and took a French leave of me and
his master; but I vally not his going a farting; but I have had
hanger on his account -- Mistriss scoulded like mad; thof I have
the comfit that all the family took my part, and even Mr Clinker
pleaded for me on his bended knee; thof, God he knows, he had
raisins enuff to complain; but he's a good sole, abounding with
Christian meekness, and one day will meet with his reward.

And now, dear Mary, we have got to Haddingborrough, among the
Scots, who are civil enuff for our money, thof I don't speak
their lingo -- But they should not go for to impose upon
foreigners; for the bills in their houses say, they have
different easements to let; and behold there is nurro geaks in
the whole kingdom, nor any thing for poor sarvants, but a barrel
with a pair of tongs thrown a-cross; and all the chairs in the
family are emptied into this here barrel once a-day; and at ten
o'clock at night the whole cargo is flung out of a back windore
that looks into some street or lane, and the maids calls gardy
loo to the passengers which signifies Lord have mercy upon you!
and this is done every night in every house in Haddingborrough;
so you may guess, Mary Jones, what a sweet savour comes from such
a number of profuming pans; but they say it is wholesome, and,
truly, I believe it is; for being in the vapours, and thinking of
Issabel and Mr Clinker, I was going into a fit of astericks, when
this fiff, saving your presence, took me by the nose so
powerfully that I sneezed three times, and found myself
wonderfully refreshed; and this to be sure is the raisin why
there are no fits in Haddingborrough.

I was likewise made believe, that there was nothing to be had but
oatmeal and seeps-heads; but if I hadn't been a fool, I mought
have known there could be no heads without kerkasses -- This very
blessed day I dined upon a delicate leg of Velsh mutton and
cully-flower; and as for the oat-meal, I leave that to the
sarvants of the country, which are pore drudges, many of them
without shoes or stockings -- Mr Clinker tells me here is a great
call of the gospel; but I wish, I wish some of our family be not
fallen off from the rite way -- O, if I was given to tailbaring, I
have my own secrets to discover -- There has been a deal of
huggling and flurtation betwixt mistress and an ould Scotch
officer, called Kismycago. He looks for all the orld like the
scare-crow that our gardener has set up to frite away the
sparrows; and what will come of it, the Lord knows; but come what
will, it shall never be said that I menchioned a syllabub of the
matter -- Remember me kindly to Saul and the kitten -- I hope they
got the horn-buck, and will put it to a good yuse, which is the
constant prayer of,

Dear Molly,
Your loving friend,

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.


If I stay much longer at Edinburgh, I shall be changed into a
downright Caledonian -- My uncle observes, that I have already
acquired something of the country accent. The people here are so
social and attentive in their civilities to strangers, that I am
insensibly sucked into the channel of their manners and customs,
although they are in fact much more different from ours than you
can imagine -- That difference, however, which struck me very much
at my first arrival, I now hardly perceive, and my ear is
perfectly reconciled to the Scotch accent, which I find even
agreeable in the mouth of a pretty woman -- It is a sort of Doric
dialect, which gives an idea of amiable simplicity -- You cannot
imagine how we have been caressed and feasted in the good town of
Edinburgh of which we are become free denizens and guild
brothers, by the special favour of the magistracy.

I had a whimsical commission from Bath, to a citizen of this
metropolis. Quin, understanding our intention to visit Edinburgh,
pulled out a guinea, and desired the favour I would drink it at a
tavern, with a particular friend and bottle-companion of his, Mr
R-- C--, a lawyer of this city -- I charged myself with the
commission, and, taking the guinea, 'You see (said I) I have
pocketed your bounty.' 'Yes (replied Quin, laughing); and a
headake into the bargain, if you drink fair.' I made use of this
introduction to Mr C--, who received me with open arms, and gave
me the rendezvous, according to the cartel. He had provided a
company of jolly fellows, among whom I found myself extremely
happy; and did Mr C-- and Quin all the justice in my power; but,
alas, I was no more than a tiro among a troop of veterans, who
had compassion upon my youth and conveyed me home in the morning
by what means I know not -- Quin was mistaken, however, as to the
head-ake; the claret was too good to treat me so roughly.

While Mr Bramble holds conferences with the graver literati of
the place, and our females are entertained at visits by the
Scotch ladies, who are the best and kindest creatures upon earth,
I pass my time among the bucks of Edinburgh; who, with a great
share of spirit and vivacity, have a certain shrewdness and self-
command that is not often found among their neighbours, in the
high-day of youth and exultation -- Not a hint escapes a Scotchman
that can be interpreted into offence by any individual in the
company; and national reflections are never heard -- In this
particular, I must own, we are both unjust and ungrateful to the
Scots; for, as far as I am able to judge, they have a real esteem
for the natives of South-Britain; and never mention our country,
but with expressions of regard -- Nevertheless, they are far from
being servile imitators of our modes and fashionable vices. All
their customs and regulations of public and private oeconomy, of
business and diversion, are in their own stile. This remarkably
predominates in their looks, their dress and manner, their music,
and even their cookery. Our 'squire declares, that he knows not
another people upon earth, so strongly marked with a national
character -- Now we are upon the article of cookery, I must own,
some of their dishes are savoury, and even delicate; but I am not
yet Scotchman enough to relish their singed sheep's-head and
haggice, which were provided at our request, one day at Mr
Mitchelson's, where we dined -- The first put me in mind of the
history of Congo, in which I had read of negroes' heads sold
publickly in the markets; the last, being a mess of minced
lights, livers, suet, oat-meal, onions, and pepper, inclosed in a
sheep's stomach, had a very sudden effect upon mine, and the
delicate Mrs Tabby changed colour; when the cause of our disgust
was instantaneously removed at the nod of our entertainer. The
Scots, in general, are attached to this composition, with a sort
of national fondness, as well as to their oat-meal bread; which
is presented at every table, in thin triangular cakes, baked upon
a plate of iron, called a girdle; and these, many of the natives,
even in the higher ranks of life, prefer to wheaten-bread, which
they have here in perfection -- You know we used to vex poor Murray
of Baliol college, by asking, if there was really no fruit but
turnips in Scotland? -- Sure enough, I have seen turnips make their
appearance, not as a desert, but by way of hors d'oeuvres, or
whets, as radishes are served betwixt more substantial dishes in
France and Italy; but it must be observed, that the turnips of
this country are as much superior in sweetness, delicacy, and
flavour, to those in England, as a musk-melon is to the stock of
a common cabbage. They are small and conical, of a yellowish
colour, with a very thin skin and, over and above their agreeable
taste, are valuable for their antiscorbutic quality -- As to the
fruit now in season, such as cherries, gooseberries, and
currants, there is no want of them at Edinburgh; and in the
gardens of some gentlemen, who live in the neighbourhood, there
is now a very favourable appearance of apricots, peaches,
nectarines, and even grapes: nay, I have seen a very fine shew of
pineapples within a few miles of this metropolis. Indeed, we have
no reason to be surprised at these particulars, when we consider
how little difference there is, in fact, betwixt this climate and
that of London.

All the remarkable places in the city and its avenues, for ten
miles around, we have visited, much to our satisfaction. In the
Castle are some royal apartments, where the sovereign
occasionally resided; and here are carefully preserved the
regalia of the kingdom, consisting of a crown, said to be of
great value, a sceptre, and a sword of state, adorned with
jewels -- Of these symbols of sovereignty, the people are
exceedingly jealous -- A report being spread during the sitting of
the union-parliament, that they were removed to London, such a
tumult arose, that the lord commissioner would have been torn to
pieces, if he had not produced them for the satisfaction of the

The palace of Holyrood-house is an elegant piece of architecture,
but sunk in an obscure, and, as I take it, unwholesome bottom,
where one would imagine it had been placed on purpose to be
concealed. The apartments are lofty, but unfurnished; and as for
the pictures of the Scottish kings, from Fergus I. to king
William, they are paultry daubings, mostly by the same hand,
painted either from the imagination, or porters hired to sit for
the purpose. All the diversions of London we enjoy at Edinburgh,
in a small compass. Here is a well conducted concert, in which
several gentlemen perform on different instruments -- The Scots are
all musicians -- Every man you meet plays on the flute, the violin,
or violoncello; and there is one nobleman, whose compositions are
universally admired -- Our company of actors is very tolerable; and
a subscription is now on foot for building a new theatre; but
their assemblies please me above all other public exhibitions.

We have been at the hunters' ball, where I was really astonished
to see such a number of fine women -- The English, who have never
crossed the Tweed, imagine erroneously, that the Scotch ladies
are not remarkable for personal attractions; but, I can declare
with a safe conscience, I never saw so many handsome females
together, as were assembled on this occasion. At the Leith races,
the best company comes hither from the remoter provinces; so
that, I suppose, we had all the beauty of the kingdom
concentrated as it were into one focus; which was, indeed, so
vehement, that my heart could hardly resist its power. Between
friends, it has sustained some damage from the bright eyes of the
charming miss R[ento]n, whom I had the honour to dance with at
the ball -- The countess of Melville attracted all eyes, and the
admiration of all present -- She was accompanied by the agreeable
miss Grieve, who made many conquests; nor did my sister Liddy
pass unnoticed in the assembly -- She is become a toast at
Edinburgh, by the name of the Fair Cambrian, and has already been
the occasion of much wine-shed; but the poor girl met with an
accident at the ball, which has given us great disturbance.

A young gentleman, the express image of that rascal Wilson, went
up to ask her to dance a minuet; and his sudden appearance
shocked her so much, that she fainted away -- I call Wilson a
rascal, because, if he had been really a gentleman, with
honourable intentions, he would have, ere now, appeared in his
own character -- I must own, my blood boils with indignation when I
think of that fellow's presumption; and Heaven confound me if I
don't -- But I won't be so womanish as to rail -- Time will, perhaps,
furnish occasion -- Thank God, the cause of Liddy's disorder
remains a secret. The lady directress of the ball, thinking she
was overcome by the heat of the place, had her conveyed to
another room, where she soon recovered so well, as to return and
join in the country dances, in which the Scotch lasses acquit
themselves with such spirit and agility, as put their partners to
the height of their mettle. I believe our aunt, Mrs Tabitha, had
entertained hopes of being able to do some execution among the
cavaliers at this assembly. She had been several days in
consultation with milliners and mantua-makers, preparing for the
occasion, at which she made her appearance in a full suit of
damask, so thick and heavy, that the sight of it alone, at this
season of the year, was sufficient to draw drops of sweat from
any man of ordinary imagination -- She danced one minuet with our
friend Mr Mitchelson, who favoured her so far, in the spirit of
hospitality and politeness; and she was called out a second time
by the young laird of Ballymawhawple, who, coming in by accident,
could not readily find any other partner; but as the first was a
married man, and the second payed no particular homage to her
charms, which were also over-looked by the rest of the company,
she became dissatisfied and censorious -- At supper, she observed
that the Scotch gentlemen made a very good figure, when they were
a little improved by travelling; and therefore it was pity they
did not all take the benefit of going abroad. She said the women
were awkward, masculine creatures; that, in dancing, they lifted
their legs like so many colts; that they had no idea of graceful
motion, and put on their clothes in a frightful manner; but if
the truth must be told, Tabby herself was the most ridiculous
figure, and the worst dressed of the whole assembly. The neglect
of the male sex rendered her malcontent and peevish; she now
found fault with every thing at Edinburgh, and teized her brother
to leave the place, when she was suddenly reconciled to it on a
religious consideration -- There is a sect of fanaticks, who have
separated themselves from the established kirk, under the name of
Seceders -- They acknowledge no earthly head of the church, reject
lay-patronage, and maintain the methodist doctrines of the new
birth, the new light, the efficacy of grace, the insufficiency of
works, and the operations of the spirit. Mrs Tabitha, attended by
Humphry Clinker, was introduced to one of their conventicles,
where they both received much edification; and she has had the
good fortune to come acquainted with a pious Christian, called Mr
Moffat, who is very powerful in prayer, and often assists her in
private exercises of devotion.

I never saw such a concourse of genteel company at any races in
England, as appeared on the course of Leith -- Hard by, in the
fields called the Links, the citizens of Edinburgh divert
themselves at a game called golf, in which they use a curious
kind of bats, tipt with horn, and small elastic balls of leather,
stuffed with feathers, rather less than tennis balls, but of a
much harder consistence -- This they strike with such force and
dexterity from one hole to another, that they will fly to an
incredible distance. Of this diversion the Scots are so fond,
that when the weather will permit, you may see a multitude of all
ranks, from the senator of justice to the lowest tradesman,
mingled together in their shirts, and following the balls with
the utmost eagerness. Among others, I was shewn one particular set
of golfers, the youngest of whom was turned of fourscore -- They
were all gentlemen of independent fortunes, who had amused
themselves with this pastime for the best part of a century,
without having ever felt the least alarm from sickness or
disgust; and they never went to bed, without having each the best
part of a gallon of claret in his belly. Such uninterrupted
exercise, co-operating with the keen air from the sea, must,
without all doubt, keep the appetite always on edge, and steel
the constitution against all the common attacks of distemper.

The Leith races gave occasion to another entertainment of a very
singular nature -- There is at Edinburgh a society or corporation
of errand-boys, called cawdies, who ply in the streets at night
with paper lanthorns, and are very serviceable in carrying
messages -- These fellows, though shabby in their appearance, and
rudely familiar in their address, are wonderfully acute, and so
noted for fidelity, that there is no instance of [a] cawdy's
having betrayed his trust -- Such is their intelligence, that they
know, not only every individual of the place, but also every
stranger, by that time he has been four and twenty hours in
Edinburgh; and no transaction, even the most private, can escape
their notice. They are particularly famous for their dexterity in
executing one of the functions of Mercury; though, for my own
part, I never employed them in this department of business -- Had I
occasion for any service of this nature, my own man, Archy
M'Alpine, is as well qualified as e'er a cawdie in Edinburgh; and
I am much mistaken, if he has not been heretofore of their
fraternity. Be that as it may, they resolved to give a dinner and
a ball at Leith, to which they formally invited all the young
noblemen and gentlemen that were at the races; and this
invitation was reinforced by an assurance that all the celebrated
ladies of pleasure would grace the entertainment with their
company. -- I received a card on this occasion, and went thither
with half a dozen of my acquaintance. -- In a large hall the cloth
was laid on a long range of tables joined together, and here the
company seated themselves, to the number of about fourscore,
lords, and lairds, and other gentlemen, courtezans and cawdies
together, as the slaves and their masters were in the time of the
Saturnalia in ancient Rome. -- The toast master, who sat at the
upper end, was one Cawdie Fraser, a veteran pimp, distinguished
for his humour and sagacity, well known and much respected in his
profession by all the guests, male and female, that were here
assembled. -- He had bespoke the dinner and the wine: he had taken
care that all his brethren should appear in decent apparel and
clean linen; and he himself wore a periwig with three tails in
honour of the festival. -- I assure you the banquet was both
elegant and plentiful, and seasoned with a thousand sallies, that
promoted a general spirit of mirth and good humour. -- After the
desert, Mr Fraser proposed the following toasts, which I don't
pretend to explain. 'The best in Christendom.' -- 'Gibbs'
contract.' -- 'The beggar's benison,' -- 'King and kirk.' -- 'Great
Britain and Ireland.' Then, filling a bumper, and turning to me,
'Mester Malford (said he), may a' unkindness cease betwixt John
Bull and his sister Moggy.' -- The next person he singled out, was
a nobleman who had been long abroad. -- 'Ma lord (cried Fraser),
here is a bumper to a' those noblemen who have virtue enough to
spend their rents in their ain countray.' -- He afterwards
addressed himself to a member of parliament in these words: --
'Meester -- I'm sure ye'll ha' nae objection to my drinking,
disgrace and dule to ilka Scot, that sells his conscience and his
vote.' -- He discharged a third sarcasm at a person very gaily
dressed, who had risen from small beginnings, and made a
considerable fortune at play. -- Filling his glass, and calling him
by name, 'Lang life (said he), to the wylie loon that gangs a-field
with a toom poke at his lunzie, and comes hame with a
sackful of siller.' -- All these toasts being received with loud
bursts of applause, Mr Fraser called for pint glasses, and filled
his own to the brim: then standing up, and all his brethren
following his example, 'Ma lords and gentlemen (cried he), here
is a cup of thanks for the great and undeserved honour you have
done your poor errand-boys this day.' -- So saying, he and they
drank off their glasses in a trice, and quitting their seats,
took their station each behind one of the other guests;
exclaiming, 'Noo we're your honours cawdies again.'

The nobleman who had bore the first brunt of Mr Fraser's satire,
objected to his abdication. He said, as the company was assembled
by invitation from the cawdies, he expected they were to be
entertained at their expense. 'By no means, my lord (cried
Fraser), I wad na he guilty of sic presumption for the wide
warld -- I never affronted a gentleman since I was born; and sure
at this age I wonnot offer an indignity to sic an honourable
convention.' 'Well (said his Lordship) as you have expended some
wit, you have a right to save your money. You have given me good
counsel, and I take it in good part. As you have voluntarily
quitted your seat, I will take your place with the leave of the
good company, and think myself happy to be hailed, Father of the
Feast.' He was forthwith elected into the chair, and complimented
in a bumper in his new character.

The claret continued to circulate without interruption, till the
glasses seemed to dance upon the table, and this, perhaps, was a
hint to the ladies to call for music -- At eight in the evening the
ball began in another apartment: at midnight we went to supper;
but it was broad day before I found the way to my lodgings; and,
no doubt, his Lordship had a swinging bill to discharge.

In short, I have lived so riotously for some weeks, that my uncle
begins to be alarmed on the score of my constitution, and very
seriously observes, 'that all his own infirmities are owing to
such excesses indulged in his youth -- Mrs Tabitha says it would be
more to the advantage of my soul as well as body, if, instead of
frequenting these scenes of debauchery, I would accompany Mr
Moffat and her to hear a sermon of the reverend Mr M'Corkindale. --
Clinker often exhorts me, with a groan, to take care of my
precious health; and even Archy M'Alpine, when he happens to be
overtaken (which is oftener the case than I could wish), reads me
a long lecture upon temperance and sobriety; and is so very wise
and sententious, that, if I could provide him with a professor's
chair, I would willingly give up the benefit of his amonitions
and service together; for I was tutor-sick at alma mater.

I am not, however, so much engrossed by the gaieties of
Edinburgh, but that I find time to make parties in the family
way. We have not only seen all the villas and villages within ten
miles of the capital, but we have also crossed the Firth, which
is an arm of the sea seven miles broad, that divides Lothian from
the shire, or, as the Scots call it, the kingdom of Fife. There
is a number of large open sea-boats that ply on this passage
from Leith to Kinghorn, which is a borough on the other side.
In one of these our whole family embarked three days ago, excepting
my sister, who, being exceedingly fearful of the water, was left
to the care of Mrs Mitchelson. We had an easy and quick passage
into Fife, where we visited a number of poor towns on the sea-side,
including St Andrew's, which is the skeleton of a venerable city;
but we were much better pleased with some noble and elegant seats
and castles, of which there is a great number in that part of
Scotland. Yesterday we took boat again on our return to Leith,
with fair wind and agreeable weather; but we had not advanced
half-way when the, sky was suddenly overcast, and the wind
changing, blew directly in our teeth so that we were obliged to
turn, or tack the rest of the way. In a word, the gale increased
to a storm of wind and rain, attended with such a fog, that we
could not see the town of Leith, to which we were bound, nor even
the castle of Edinburgh, notwithstanding its high situation. It
is not to be doubted but that we were all alarmed on this
occasion. And at the same time, most of the passengers were
seized with a nausea that produced violent retchings. My aunt
desired her brother to order the boatmen, to put back to
Kinghorn, and this expedient he actually proposed; but they
assured him there was no danger. Mrs Tabitha finding them
obstinate, began to scold, and insisted upon my uncle's exerting
his authority as a justice of the peace. Sick and peevish as he
was, he could not help laughing at this wise proposal, telling
her, that his commission did not extend so far, and, if it did,
he should let the people take their own way; for he thought it
would be great presumption in him to direct them in the exercise
of their own profession. Mrs Winifred Jenkins made a general
clearance with the assistance of Mr Humphry Clinker, who joined
her both in prayer and ejaculation. -- As he took it for granted
that we should not be long in this world, he offered some
spiritual consolation to Mrs Tabitha, who rejected it with great
disgust, bidding him keep his sermons for those who had leisure
to hear such nonsense. -- My uncle sat, collected in himself,
without speaking; my man Archy had recourse to a brandy-bottle,
with which he made so free, that I imagined he had sworn to die
of drinking any thing rather than sea-water: but the brandy had
no more effect upon him in the way of intoxication, than if it
had been sea-water in good earnest. -- As for myself, I was too
much engrossed by the sickness at my stomach, to think of any
thing else. Meanwhile the sea swelled mountains high, the boat
pitched with such violence, as if it had been going to pieces;
the cordage rattled, the wind roared; the lightning flashed, the
thunder bellowed, and the rain descended in a deluge -- Every time
the vessel was put about, we ship'd a sea that drenched us all to
the skin. -- When, by dint of turning, we thought to have cleared
the pier head, we were driven to leeward, and then the boatmen
themselves began to fear that the tide would fail before we
should fetch up our lee-way: the next trip, however, brought us
into smooth water, and we were safely landed on the quay, about
one o'clock in the afternoon. -- 'To be sure (cried Tabby, when she
found herself on terra firma), we must all have perished, if we
had not been the particular care of Providence.' 'Yes (replied my
uncle), but I am much of the honest highlander's mind -- after he
had made such a passage as this: his friend told him he was much
indebted to Providence; -- "Certainly (said Donald), but, by my
saul, mon, I'se ne'er trouble Providence again, so long as the
brig of Stirling stands."' -- You must know the brig, or bridge of
Stirling, stands above twenty miles up the river Forth, of which
this is the outlet -- I don't find that our 'squire has suffered in
his health from this adventure; but poor Liddy is in a peaking
way -- I'm afraid this unfortunate girl is uneasy in her mind; and
this apprehension distracts me, for she is really an amiable

We shall set out to-morrow or next day for Stirling and Glasgow;
and we propose to penetrate a little way into the Highlands,
before we turn our course to the southward -- In the mean time,
commend me to all our friends round Carfax, and believe me to be,
ever yours,



I should be very ungrateful, dear Lewis, if I did not find myself
disposed to think and speak favourably of this people, among whom
I have met with more kindness, hospitality, and rational
entertainment, in a few weeks, than ever I received in any other
country during the whole course of my life. -- Perhaps, the
gratitude excited by these benefits may interfere with the
impartiality of my remarks; for a man is as apt to be
prepossessed by particular favours as to be prejudiced by private
motives of disgust. If I am partial, there is, at least, some
merit in my conversion from illiberal prejudices which had grown
up with my constitution.

The first impressions which an Englishman receives in this
country, will not contribute to the removal of his prejudices;
because he refers every thing he sees to a comparison with the
same articles in his own country; and this comparison is
unfavourable to Scotland in all its exteriors, such as the face
of the country in respect to cultivation, the appearance of the
bulk of the people, and the language of conversation in general. --
I am not so far convinced by Mr Lismahago's arguments, but that
I think the Scots would do well, for their own sakes, to adopt
the English idioms and pronunciation; those of them especially,
who are resolved to push their fortunes in South-Britain -- I know,
by experience, how easily an Englishman is influenced by the ear,
and how apt he is to laugh, when he hears his own language spoken
with a foreign or provincial accent -- I have known a member of the
house of commons speak with great energy and precision, without
being able to engage attention, because his observations were
made in the Scotch dialect, which (no offence to lieutenant
Lismahago) certainly gives a clownish air even to sentiments of
the greatest dignity and decorum. -- I have declared my opinion on
this head to some of the most sensible men of this country,
observing, at the same time, that if they would employ a few
natives of England to teach the pronunciation of our vernacular
tongue, in twenty years there would be no difference, in point of
dialect, between the youth of Edinburgh and of London.

The civil regulations of this kingdom and metropolis are taken
from very different models from those of England, except in a few
particular establishments, the necessary consequences of the
union. -- Their college of justice is a bench of great dignity,
filled with judges of character and ability. -- I have heard some
causes tried before this venerable tribunal; and was very much
pleased with the pleadings of their advocates, who are by no
means deficient either in argument or elocution. The Scottish
legislation is founded, in a great measure, on the civil law;
consequently, their proceedings vary from those of the English
tribunals; but, I think, they have the advantage of us in their
method of examining witnesses apart, and in the constitution of
their jury, by which they certainly avoid the evil which I
mentioned in my last from Lismahago's observation.

The university of Edinburgh is supplied with excellent professors
in all the sciences; and the medical school, in particular, is
famous all over Europe. -- The students of this art have the best
opportunity of learning it to perfection, in all its branches, as
there are different courses for the theory of medicine and the
practice of medicine; for anatomy, chemistry, botany, and the
materia medica, over and above those of mathematics and
experimental philosophy; and all these are given by men of
distinguished talents. What renders this part of education still
more complete, is the advantage of attending the infirmary, which
is the best instituted charitable foundation that I ever knew.
Now we are talking of charities, here are several hospitals,
exceedingly well endowed, and maintained under admirable
regulations; and these are not only useful, but ornamental to the
city. Among these, I shall only mention the general work-house,
in which all the poor, not otherwise provided for, are employed,
according to their different abilities, with such judgment and
effect, that they nearly maintain themselves by their labour, and
there is not a beggar to be seen within the precincts of this
metropolis. It was Glasgow that set the example of this
establishment, about thirty years ago. -- Even the kirk of
Scotland, so long reproached with fanaticism and canting, abounds
at present with ministers celebrated for their learning, and
respectable for their moderation. -- I have heard their sermons
with equal astonishment and pleasure. -- The good people of
Edinburgh no longer think dirt and cobwebs essential to the house
of God. -- Some of their churches have admitted such ornaments as
would have excited sedition, even in England, a little more than
a century ago; and Psalmody is here practised and taught by a
professor from the cathedral of Durham: -- I should not be
surprised, in a few years, to hear it accompanied with an organ.

Edinburgh is a hot-bed of genius. -- I have had the good fortune to
be made acquainted with many authors of the first distinction;
such as the two Humes, Robertson, Smith, Wallace, Blair,
Ferguson, Wilkie, &c. and I have found them all as agreeable in
conversation as they are instructive and entertaining in their
writings. These acquaintances I owe to the friendship of Dr
Carlyle, who wants nothing but inclination to figure with the
rest upon paper. The magistracy of Edinburgh is changed every
year by election, and seems to be very well adapted both for
state and authority. -- The lord provost is equal in dignity to the
lord mayor of London; and the four bailies are equivalent to the
rank of aldermen. -- There is a dean of guild, who takes cognizance
of mercantile affairs; a treasurer; a town-clerk; and the council
is composed of deacons, one of whom is returned every year, in
rotation, as representative of every company of artificers or
handicraftsmen. Though this city, from the nature of its
situation, can never be made either very convenient or very
cleanly, it has, nevertheless, an air of magnificence that
commands respect. -- The castle is an instance of the sublime in
scite and architecture. -- Its fortifications are kept in good
order, and there is always in it a garrison of regular soldiers,
which is relieved every year; but it is incapable of sustaining a
siege carried on according to the modern operations of war. -- The
castle hill, which extends from the outward gate to the upper end
of the high street, is used as a public walk for the citizens,
and commands a prospect, equally extensive and delightful, over
the county of Fife, on the other side of the Frith, and all along
the sea-coast, which is covered with a succession of towns that
would seem to indicate a considerable share of commerce; but, if
the truth must be told, these towns have been falling to decay
ever since the union, by which the Scots were in a great measure
deprived of their trade with France. -- The palace of Holyrood-house
is a jewel in architecture, thrust into a hollow where it
cannot be seen; a situation which was certainly not chosen by the
ingenious architect, who must have been confined to the site of
the old palace, which was a convent. Edinburgh is considerably
extended on the south side, where there are divers little elegant
squares built in the English manner; and the citizens have
planned some improvements on the north, which, when put in
execution, will add greatly to the beauty and convenience of this

The sea-port is Leith, a flourishing town, about a mile from the


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