The Spanish Curate
Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher
Part 3 out of 4
Let not fury
Transport you so: you know I am your Creature,
All love, but to your self, with him, hath left me.
I'le joyn with you in any thing.
I'le take mine own waies, and will have no partners.
I will not cross you.
Do not, they shall find
That to a Woman of her hopes beguil'd
A Viper trod on, or an Aspick's mild.
_Enter_ Lopez, Milanes, Arsenio.
Sits the game there? I have you by mine order,
I love _Leandro_ for't.
But you must shew it
In lending him your help, to gain him means
He shall want nothing,
I know my Advocate to a hair, and what
Will fetch him from his Prayers, if he use any,
I am honyed with the project: I would have him horn'd
For a most precious Beast.
But you lose time.
I am gone, instruct you _Diego_, you will find him
A sharp and subtle Knave, give him but hints
And he will amplifie. See all things ready,
I'le fetch him with a vengeance--
If he fail now,
We'll give him over too.
Tush, he is flesh'd.
And knows what vein to strike for his own credit.
All things are ready.
Then we shall have a merry Scene, ne're fear it.
_Enter_ Amaranta, _with a note, and_ Moor.
Is thy Master gone out?
Even now, the Curate fetch'd him,
About a serious business as it seem'd,
For he snatch'd up his Cloak, and brush'd his Hat straight,
Set his Band handsomely, and out he gallop'd.
'Tis well, 'tis very well, he went out, _Egla_,
As luckily, as one would say, go Husband,
He was call'd by providence: fling this short Paper
Into _Leandro's_ Cell, and waken him,
He is monstrous vexed, and musty, at my Chess-play;
But this shall supple him, when he has read it:
Take your own Recreation for two hours,
And hinder nothing.
If I do, I'll hang for't.
_Enter_ Octavio, Jacintha.
If that you lov'd _Ascanio_ for himself,
And not your private ends, you rather should
Bless the fair opportunity, that restores him
To his Birth-right, and the Honours he was born to,
Than grieve at his good Fortune.
I would resign my Essence, that he were
As happy as my love could fashion him,
Though every blessing that should fall on him,
Might prove a curse to me: my sorrow springs
Out of my fear and doubt he is not safe.
I am acquainted with _Don Henrique_'s nature,
And I have heard too much the fiery temper
Of Madam _Violante_: can you think
That she, that almost is at war with Heaven
For being barren, will with equal eyes
Behold a Son of mine?
His Father's care,
That for the want of Issue, took him home,
(Though with the forfeiture of his own fame)
Will look unto his safety.
Have many eyes, to find a way to mischief,
Though blind to goodness.
_Enter_ Jamie _and_ Ascanio.
Here comes _Don Jamie_,
And with him our _Ascanio_.
Good youth leave me,
I know thou art forbid my company,
And only to be seen with me, will call on
Thy Fathers anger.
Sir, if that to serve you
Could lose me any thing (as indeed it cannot)
I still would follow you. Alas I was born
To do you hurt, but not to help my self,
I was, for some particular end, took home,
But am cast off again.
The Lady, whom my Father calls his Wife,
Abhors my sight, is sick of me, and forc'd him
To turn me out of doors.
By my best hopes
I thank her cruelty, for it comes near
A saving Charity.
I am only happy
That yet I can relieve you, 'pray you share:
My Father's wondrous kind, and promises
That I should be supplied: but sure the Lady
Is a malicious Woman, and I fear
Means me no good.
I am turn'd a stone with wonder,
And know not what to think.
From my Lady,
Your private ear, and this--
She says, if you dare make your self a Fortune,
She will propose the means; my Lord _Don Henrique_
Is now from home, and she alone expects you,
If you dare trust her, so, if not despair of
A second offer.
Though there were an Ambush
Laid for my life, I'le on and sound this secret.
Retire thee, my _Ascanio_, with thy Mother:
But stir not forth, some great design's on foot,
Fall what can fall, if e're the Sun be set
I see you not, give me for dead.
We will expect you,
And those bless'd Angels, that love goodness, guard you.
_Enter_ Lopez _and_ Bartolus.
Is't possible he should be rich?
He hath been long, though he had but little gettings,
Drawing together, Sir.
Accounted a poor Sexton,
Honest poor _Diego_.
I assure ye, a close Fellow,
Both close, and scraping, and that fills the Bags, Sir.
A notable good fellow too?
When he hop'd to drink a man into a Surfeit,
That he might gain by his Grave.
So many thousands?
Heaven knows what.
'Tis very strange; but we see by endeavour,
And honest labour--
_Milo_, by continuance
Grew from a silly Calf (with your worships reverence)
To carry a Bull, from a penny, to a pound, Sir,
And from a pound, to many: 'tis the progress.
Ye say true, but he lov'd to feed well also,
And that me-thinks--
From another mans Trencher, Sir,
And there he found it season'd with small charge:
There he would play the Tyrant, and would devour ye
More than the Graves he made; at home he liv'd
Like a Camelion, suckt th' Air of misery,
[_Table out, Standish, Paper, Stools_.
And grew fat by the Brewis of an Egg-shell,
Would smell a Cooks-shop, and go home and surfeit.
And be a month in fasting out that Fever.
These are good Symptoms: do's he lye so sick say ye?
Oh, very sick.
And chosen me Executor?
Only your Worship.
No hope of his amendment?
None, that we find.
He hath no Kinsmen neither?
'Truth, very few,
His mind will be the quieter.
What Doctors has he?
There's none, Sir, he believes in.
They are but needless things, in such extremities.
Who draws the good mans Will?
Marry that do I, Sir,
And to my grief.
Grief will do little now, Sir,
Draw it to your comfort, Friend, and as I counsel ye,
An honest man, but such men live not always:
Who are about him?
Many, now he is passing,
That would pretend to his love, yes, and some Gentlemen
That would fain counsel him, and be of his Kindred;
Rich men can want no Heirs, Sir.
They do ill,
Indeed they do, to trouble him; very ill, Sir.
But we shall take a care.
_Enter_ Diego, _in a Bed_, Milanes, Arsenio, _and_ Parishioners.
Will ye come near, Sir?
'Pray ye bring him out; now ye may see in what state:
Give him fresh Air.
I am sorry, Neighbour _Diego_,
To find ye in so weak a state.
Ye are welcome,
But I am fleeting, Sir.
Me-thinks he looks well,
His colour fresh, and strong, his eyes are chearful.
A glimmering before death, 'tis nothing else, Sir,
Do you see how he fumbles with the Sheet? do ye note that?
My learned Sir, 'pray ye sit: I am bold to send for ye,
To take a care of what I leave.
Do ye hear that?
Play the Knave finely.
So I will, I warrant ye,
'Pray ye do not trouble him,
You see he's weak and has a wandring fancy.
My honest Neighbours, weep not, I must leave ye,
I cannot always bear ye company,
We must drop still, there is no remedy:
'Pray ye Master Curate, will ye write my Testament,
And write it largely it may be remembred,
And be witness to my Legacies, good Gentlemen;
Your Worship I do make my full Executor,
You are a man of wit and understanding:
Give me a cup of Wine to raise my Spirits,
For I speak low: I would before these Neighbours
Have ye to swear, Sir, that you will see it executed,
And what I give let equally be rendred
For my souls health.
I vow it truly, Neighbours,
Let not that trouble ye, before all these,
Once more I give my Oath.
Then set me higher,
And pray ye come near me all.
We are ready for ye.
Now spur the Ass, and get our friend time.
After I have given my body to the worms,
(For they must be serv'd first, they are seldom cozen'd.)
Remember your Parish, Neighbour.
You speak truly,
I do remember it, a lewd vile Parish,
And pray it may be mended: To the poor of it,
(Which is to all the Parish) I give nothing,
For nothing, unto nothing, is most natural,
Yet leave as much space, as will build an Hospital,
Their Children may pray for me.
What do you give to it?
Set down two thousand Duckets.
'Tis a good gift,
And will be long remembred.
To your worship,
(Because you must take pains to see all finish'd)
I give two thousand more, it may be three, Sir,
A poor gratuity for your pains-taking.
These are large sums.
Nothing to him that has 'em.
To my old Master Vicar, I give five hundred,
(Five hundred and five hundred are too few, Sir)
But there be more to serve.
This fellow coins sure.
Give me some more drink. Pray ye buy Books, buy Books,
You have a learned head, stuff it with Libraries,
And understand 'em, when ye have done, 'tis Justice.
Run not the Parish mad with Controversies,
Nor preach Abstinence to longing Women,
'Twill burge the bottoms of their Consciences:
I would give the Church new Organs, but I prophesie
The Church-wardens would quickly pipe 'em out o'th' Parish,
Two hundred Duckets more to mend the Chancel,
And to paint true Orthographie, as many,
They write _Sunt_ with a _C_, which is abominable,
'Pray you set that down; to poor Maidens Marriages.
I that's well thought of, what's your will in that point?
A meritorious thing.
No end of this Will?
I give _per annum_ two hundred Ells of Lockram,
That there be no strait dealings in their Linnens,
But the Sails cut according to their Burthens.
To all Bell-ringers, I bequeath new Ropes,
And let them use 'em at their own discretions.
You may remember us.
I do good Gentlemen,
And I bequeath you both good careful Surgions,
A Legacy, you have need of, more than mony,
I know you want good Diets, and good Lotions,
And in your pleasures, good take heed.
He raves now,
But 'twill be quickly off.
I do bequeath ye
Commodities of Pins, Brown-papers, Pack-threads,
Rost Pork, and Puddings, Ginger-bread, and Jews-trumps,
Of penny Pipes, and mouldy Pepper, take 'em,
Take 'em even where you please and be cozen'd with 'em,
I should bequeath ye Executions also,
But those I'le leave to th' Law.
Now he grows temperate.
You will give no more?
I am loth to give more from ye,
Because I know you will have a care to execute.
Only, to pious uses, Sir, a little.
If he be worth all these, I am made for ever.
I give to fatal Dames, that spin mens threads out,
And poor distressed Damsels, that are militant
As members of our own Afflictions,
A hundred Crowns to buy warm Tubs to work in,
I give five hundred pounds to buy a Church-yard,
A spacious Church-yard, to lay Thieves and Knaves in,
Rich men and honest men take all the room up.
Are ye not weary?
Never of well-doing.
These are mad Legacies.
They were got as madly;
My Sheep, and Oxen, and my moveables,
My Plate, and Jewels, and five hundred Acres;
I have no heirs.
This cannot be, 'tis monstrous.
Three Ships at Sea too.
You have made me full Executor?
Full, full, and total, would I had more to give ye,
But these may serve an honest mind.
Ye say true,
A very honest mind, and make it rich too;
Rich, wondrous rich, but where shall I raise these moneys,
About your house? I see no such great promises;
Where shall I find these sums?
Even where you please, Sir,
You are wise and provident, and know business,
Ev'n raise 'em where you shall think good, I am reasonable.
Think good? will that raise thousands?
What do you make me?
You have sworn to see it done, that's all my comfort.
Where I please? this is pack'd sure to disgrace me.
Ye are just, and honest, and I know you will do it,
Ev'n where you please, for you know where the wealth is.
I am abused, betrayed, I am laugh'd at, scorn'd,
Baffl'd, and boared, it seems.
No, no, ye are fooled.
Most finely fooled, and handsomely, and neatly,
Such cunning Masters must be fool'd sometimes, Sir,
And have their Worships noses wiped, 'tis healthful,
We are but quit: you fool us of our moneys
In every Cause, in every Quiddit wipe us.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, some more drink, for my heart, Gentlemen.
This merry Lawyer--ha, ha, ha, ha, this Scholar--
I think this fit will cure me: this Executor--
I shall laugh out my Lungs.
This is derision above sufferance, villany
Plotted and set against me.
Faith 'tis Knavery,
In troth I must confess, thou art fool'd indeed, Lawyer.
Did you think, had this man been rich--
'Tis well, Sir.
He would have chosen such a Wolf, a Canker,
A Maggot-pate, to be his whole Executor?
A Lawyer, that entangles all mens honesties,
And lives like a Spider in a Cobweb lurking,
And catching at all Flies, that pass his pit-falls?
Puts powder to all States, to make 'em caper?
Would he trust you? Do you deserve?
I find, Gentlemen,
This Cataplasm of a well cozen'd Lawyer
Laid to my stomach, lenifies my Feaver,
Methinks I could eat now, and walk a little.
I am asham'd to feel how flat I am cheated,
How grossly, and maliciously made a May-game,
A damned trick; my Wife, my Wife, some Rascal:
My Credit, and my Wife, some lustful Villain,
Some Bawd, some Rogue.
Some crafty Fool has found ye:
This 'tis, Sir, to teach ye to be too busie,
To covet all the gains, and all the rumours,
To have a stirring Oare in all mens actions.
We did this, but to vex your fine officiousness.
Good yield ye, and good thank ye: I am fooled, Gentlemen;
The Lawyer is an Ass, I do confess it,
A weak dull shallow Ass: good even to your Worships:
Vicar, remember Vicar, Rascal, remember,
Thou notable rich Rascal.
I do remember, Sir,
'Pray ye stay a little, I have ev'n two Legacies
To make your mouth up, Sir.
Quake and remember, Rogues;
I have brine for your Buttocks.
Oh how he frets, and fumes now like a Dunghil!
His gall contains fine stuff now to make poysons,
Rare damned stuff.
Let's after him, and still vex him,
And take my Friend off: by this time he has prosper'd,
He cannot lose this dear time: 'tis impossible.
Well _Diego_, thou hast done.
Hast done it daintily.
And shalt be as well paid, Boy--
Go, let's crucifie him.
_Enter_ Amaranta, Leandro.
I have told ye all my story, and how desperately.
I do believe: let's walk on, time is pretious,
Not to be spent in words, here no more wooing,
The open Air's an enemy to Lovers,
Do as I tell ye.
I'le do any thing,
I am so over-[joy'd], I'le fly to serve ye.
Take your joy moderately, as it is ministred,
And as the cause invites: that man's a fool
That at the sight o'th' Bond, dances and leaps,
Then is the true joy, when the mony comes.
You cannot now deny me.
_Ama_. Nay, you know not,
Women have crotchets, and strange fits.
You shall not.
Hold ye to that and swear it confidently,
Then I shall make a scruple to deny ye:
'Pray ye let's step in, and see a friend of mine,
The weather's sharp: we'll stay but half an hour,
We may be miss'd else: a private fine house 'tis, Sir,
And we may find many good welcomes.
Do happy Lady.
All your mind's of doing,
You must be modester.
I will be any thing.
Open the doors, and give me room to chafe in
Mine own room, and my liberty: why Maid there,
Open I say, and do not anger me,
I am subject to much fury: when, ye Dish-clout?
When do ye come? asleep ye lazie Hell-hound?
Nothing intended, but your ease, and eating?
No body here? why Wife, why Wife? why Jewel?
No tongue to answer me? pre'thee, good Pupil,
Dispense a little with thy careful study,
And step to th' door, and let me in; nor he neither?
Ha! not at's study? nor asleep? nor no body?
I'le make ye hear: the house of ignorance,
No sound inhabits here: I have a Key yet
That commands all: I fear I am Metamorphiz'd.
_Enter_ Lopez, Arsenio, Milanes, Diego.
He keeps his fury still, and may do mischief.
He shall be hang'd first, we'll be sticklers there, boys.
The hundred thousand Dreams now, that possess him
Of jealousie, and of revenge, and frailtie,
Of drawing Bills against us, and Petitions.
And casting what his credit shall recover.
Let him cast till his Maw come up, we care not.
You shall be still secured. [_A great noise within_.
We'll pay him home then;
Hark what a noise he keeps within!
H'as set his Chimneys o' fire, or the Devil roars there.
The Codixes o'th' Law are broke loose, Gentlemen.
He's fighting sure.
I'le tell ye that immediately--
Or doing some strange out-rage on himself.
Hang him, he dares not be so valiant.
There's no body at home, and he chafes like a Lyon,
And stinks withal. [_Noise still_.
_Lop_. No body?
Not a Creature,
Nothing within, but he and his Law-tempest,
The Ladles, Dishes, Kettles, how they flie all!
And how the Glasses through the Rooms!
My friend sure
Has got her out, and now he has made an end on't.
See where the Sea comes? how it foams, and brustles?
The great Leviathan o'th' Law, how it tumbles?
Made every way an Ass? abus'd on all sides?
And from all quarters, people come to laugh at me?
Rise like a Comet, to be wonder'd at?
A horrid Comet, for Boys tongues, and Ballads?
I will run from my wits.
_Enter_ Amaranta, Leandro.
Do, do, good Lawyer,
And from thy mony too, then thou wilt be quiet.
Here she comes home: now mark the salutations;
How like an Ass my friend goes?
She has pull'd his ears down.
Now, what sweet voyage? to what Garden, Lady?
Or to what Cousins house?
Is this my welcome?
I cannot go to Church, but thus I am scandal'd,
Use no devotion for my soul, but Gentlemen--
Yes, and ye keep sweet youths to wait upon me,
Sweet bred-up youths, to be a credit to me.
There's your delight again, pray take him to ye,
He never comes near me more to debase me.
How's this? how's this? good wife, how, has he wrong'd ye?
I was fain to drive him like a sheep before me,
I blush to think how people fleer'd, and scorn'd me.
Others have handsome men, that know behaviour,
Place, and observance: this silly thing knows nothing,
Cannot tell ten; let every Rascal justle me,
And still I push'd him on as he had been coming.
_Bar_. Ha! did ye push him on? is he so stupid?
When others were attentive to the Priest,
Good devout Gentleman, then fell he fast,
Fast, sound asleep: then first began the Bag-pipes,
The several stops on's nose made a rare musick,
A rare and loud, and those plaid many an Anthem.
Put out of that, he fell straight into dreaming.
As cunning, as she is sweet; I like this carriage.
What did he then?
Why then he talked in his Sleep too,
Nay, I'le divulge your moral vertues (sheeps-face)
And talk'd aloud, that every ear was fixt to him:
Did not I suffer (do you think) in this time?
Talk of your bawling Law, of appellations
Of Declarations, and Excommunications:
Warrants, and Executions: and such Devils
That drove all the Gentlemen out o'th' Church, by hurryes,
With execrable oaths, they would never come there again.
Thus am I served and man'd.
I pray ye forgive me,
I must confess I am not fit to wait upon ye:
Alas, I was brought up--
To be an Asse,
A Lawyers Asse, to carry Books, and Buckrams.
But what did you at Church?
At Church, did you ask her?
Do you hear Gentlemen, do you mark that question?
Because you are half an Heretick your self, Sir,
Would ye breed her too? this shall to the Inquisition,
A pious Gentlewoman reproved for praying?
I'le see this filed, and you shall hear further, Sir.
Ye have an ill heart.
It shall be found out, Gentlemen,
There be those youths will search it.
You are warm Signiour,
But a Faggot will warm ye better: we are witnesses.
Enough to hang him, do not doubt.
I do believe h'as rather no Religion.
That must be known too, because she goes to Church, Sir?
_O monstrum infirme ingens!_
Let him go on, Sir,
His wealth will build a Nunnery, a fair one,
And this good Lady, when he is hang'd and rotten,
May there be Abbess.
You are cozen'd, honest Gentlemen,
I do not forbid the use but the form, mark me.
Form? what do you make of form?
They will undo me,
Swear, as I oft have done, and so betray me;
I must make fair way, and hereafter, Wife,
You are welcome home, and henceforth take your pleasure,
Go when ye shall think fit, I will not hinder ye,
My eyes are open now, and I see my errour,
My shame, as great as that, but I must hide it.
The whole conveyance now I smell, but _Basta_,
Another time must serve: you see us friends, now
Heartily friends, and no more chiding, Gentlemen,
I have been too foolish, I confess, no more words,
No more, sweet Wife.
You know my easie nature.
Go get ye in: you see she has been angry:
Forbear her sight a while and time will pacify;
And learn to be more bold.
I would I could,
I will do all I am able.
We will not part, but friends of all hands.
Now ye are reasonable, we can look on ye.
Ye have jerkt me: but for all that I forgive ye,
Forgive ye heartily, and do invite ye
To morrow to a Breakfast, I make but seldom,
But now we will be merry.
Now ye are friendly,
Your doggedness and niggardize flung from ye.
And now we will come to ye.
Give me your hands, all;
You shall be welcome heartily.
We will be,
For we'll eat hard.
The harder, the more welcome,
And till the morning farewell; I have business.
Farewel good bountiful _Bartolus_, 'tis a brave wench,
A suddain witty thief, and worth all service:
Go we'll all go, and crucifie the Lawyer.
I'le clap four tire of teeth into my mouth more
But I will grind his substance.
Thou hast had a strange Voyage, but I hope
Thou rid'st now in safe harbour.
Let's go drink, Friends,
And laugh aloud at all our merry may-games.
A match, a match, 'twill whet our stomachs better.
_Actus Quintus. Scena Prima._
_Enter_ Violante _and_ Servant.
Madam, he's come. [_Chair and stools out_.
'Tis well, how did he look,
When he knew from whom you were sent? was he not startled?
Or confident? or fearful?
Like one that knew his fortune at the worst,
And car'd not what could follow.
'Tis the better,
Reach me a Chair: so, bring him in, be careful
That none disturb us: I will try his temper,
And if I find him apt for my employments,
_Enter_ Jamie, Servant.
I'le work him to my ends; if not, I shall
Find other Engines.
There's my Lady.
You sent for me?
I did, and do's the favour,
Your present state considered and my power,
Deserve no greater Ceremony?
I use to pay that where I owe a duty,
Not to my Brothers wife: I cannot fawn,
If you expect it from me, you are cozen'd,
And so farewel.
He bears up still; I like it.
Pray you a word.
Yes, I will give you hearing
On equal terms, and sit by you as a friend,
But not stand as a Sutor: Now your pleasure?
You are very bold.
'Tis fit: since you are proud,
I was not made to feed that foolish humour,
With flattery and observance.
Yet, with your favour,
A little form joyn'd with respect to her,
That can add to your wants, or free you from 'em
(Nay raise you to a fate, beyond your hopes)
Might well become your wisdom.
It would rather
Write me a Fool, should I but only think
That any good to me could flow from you,
Whom for so many years I have found and prov'd
My greatest Enemy: I am still the same,
My wants have not transform'd me: I dare tell you,
To your new cerus'd face, what I have spoken
Freely behind your back, what I think of you,
You are the proudest thing, and have the least
Reason to be so that I ever read of.
In stature you are a Giantess: and your Tailor
Takes measure of you with a Jacobs Staff,
Or he can never reach you, this by the way
For your large size: now, in a word or two,
To treat of your Complexion were decorum:
You are so far from fair, I doubt your Mother
Was too familiar with the _Moor_ that serv'd her,
Your Limbs and Features I pass briefly over,
As things not worth description; and come roundly
To your Soul, if you have any; for 'tis doubtful.
_Viol_. I laugh at this, proceed.
This Soul I speak of,
Or rather Salt to keep this heap of flesh
From being a walking stench, like a large Inn,
Stands open for the entertainment of
All impious practices: but there's no Corner
An honest thought can take up: and as it were not
Sufficient in your self to comprehend
All wicked plots, you have taught the Fool, my Brother,
By your contagion, almost to put off
The nature of the man, and turn'd him Devil,
Because he should be like you, and I hope
Will march to Hell together: I have spoken,
And if the Limning you in your true Colours
Can make the Painter gracious, I stand ready
For my reward, or if my words distaste you,
I weigh it not, for though your Grooms were ready
To cut my Throat for't, be assur'd I cannot
Use other Language.
You think you have said now,
Like a brave fellow: in this Womans War
You ever have been train'd: spoke big, but suffer'd
Like a tame Ass; and when most spur'd and gall'd
Were never Master of the Spleen or Spirit,
That could raise up the anger of a man,
And force it into action.
Yes, vile Creature,
Wer't thou a subject worthy of my Sword,
Or that thy death, this moment, could call home
My banish'd hopes, thou now wer't dead; dead, woman;
But being as thou art, it is sufficient
I scorn thee, and contemn thee.
This shews nobly,
I must confess it: I am taken with it,
For had you kneel'd and whin'd and shew'd a base
And low dejected mind, I had despis'd you.
This bravery (in your adverse fortune) conquers
And do's command me, and upon the suddain
I feel a kind of pity, growing in me,
For your misfortunes, pity some say's the Parent,
Of future love, and I repent my part
So far in what you have suffered, that I could
(But you are cold) do something to repair
What your base Brother (such _Jamie_ I think him)
Hath brought to ruine.
Be not amaz'd,
Our injuries are equal in his Bastard,
You are familiar with what I groan for,
And though the name of Husband holds a tye
Beyond a Brother, I, a poor weak Woman,
Am sensible, and tender of a wrong,
And to revenge it would break through all lets,
That durst oppose me.
Is it possible?
By this kiss: start not: thus much, as a stranger
You may take from me; but, if you were pleas'd,
I should select you as a bosom friend,
I would print 'em thus, and thus.
Near into the Cabinet of my Counsels:
Simplicity and patience dwell with Fools,
And let them bear those burthens, which wise men
Boldly shake off; be mine and joyn with me,
And when that I have rais'd you to a fortune,
(Do not deny your self the happy means)
You'll look on me with more judicious eyes
And swear I am most fair.
What would this Woman?
The purpose of these words? speak not in riddles,
And when I understand, what you would counsel,
My answer shall be suddain.
Thus then _Jamie_,
The objects of our fury are the same,
For young _Ascanio_, whom you Snake-like hug'd
(Frozen with wants to death) in your warm bosom,
Lives to supplant you in your certain hopes,
And kills in me all comfort.
Now 'tis plain,
I apprehend you: and were he remov'd--
You, once again, were the undoubted heir.
'Tis not to be deny'd; I was ice before,
But now ye have fir'd me.--
I'le add fuel to it,
And by a nearer cut, do you but steer
As I direct you, wee'l bring our Bark into
The Port of happiness.
By _Henriques_ death:
But you'l say he's your Brother; in great fortunes
(Which are epitomes of States and Kingdoms)
The politick brook no Rivals.
For sure I think out of a scrupulous fear,
To feed in expectation, when I may
(Dispensing but a little with my conscience)
Come into full possession, would not argue
One that desir'd to thrive.
Now you speak like
A man that knows the World.
I needs must learn
That have so good a Tutress: and what think you,
(_Don Henrique_ and _Ascanio_ cut off)
That none may live, that shall desire to trace us
In our black paths, if that _Octavio_
His foster Father, and the sad _Jacinta_,
(Faith pitie her, and free her from her Sorrows)
Should fall companions with 'em? When we are red
With murther, let us often bath in blood,
The colour will be scarlet.
And that's glorious,
And will protect the fact.
Suppose this done:
(If undiscovered) we may get for mony,
(As that you know buyes any thing in _Rome_)
And be married?
Or if it be known, truss up our Gold and Jewels,
And fly to some free State, and there with scorn--
Laugh at the laws of _Spain_.
We shall beget rare children. I am rapt with
The meer imagination.--
Shall it be done?
Shall? 'tis too tedious: furnish me with means
To hire the instruments, and to your self
Say it is done already: I will shew you,
E're the Sun set, how much you have wrought upon me,
Your province is only to use some means,
To send my Brother to the Grove that's neighbour
To the west Port of th' City; leave the rest
To my own practice; I have talk'd too long,
But now will doe: this kiss, with my Confession,
To work a fell revenge: a man's a fool,
If not instructed in a Womans School.
_Enter_ Bartolus, Algazeirs, _and a_ Paratour.
_The Table set out and stools_.
You are well enough disguiz'd, furnish the Table,
Make no shew what ye are, till I discover:
Not a soul knows ye here: be quick and diligent,
These youths I have invited to a Breakfast,
But what the Sawce will be, I am of opinion
I shall take off the edges of their Appetites,
And grease their gums for eating heartily
This month or two, they have plaid their prizes with me,
And with their several flurts they have lighted dangerously,
But sure I shall be quit: I hear 'em coming.
Go off and wait the bringing in your service,
And do it handsomely: you know where to have it.
_Enter_ Milanes, Arsenio, Lopez, Diego.
Welcom i' Faith.
That's well said, honest Lawyer.
Said like a neighbour.
Welcom all: all over,
And let's be merry.
To that end we came Sir,
An hour of freedome's worth an age of juglings.
I am come too Sir, to specifie my Stomach
A poor reteiner to your worships bountie.
And thou shalt have it fill'd my merry _Diego_,
My liberal, and my bonny bounteous _Diego_,
Even fill'd till it groan again.
Let it have fair play,
And if it founder then.--
I'le tell ye neighbours,
Though I were angry yesterday with ye all,
And very angry, for methought ye bob'd me.
No, no, by no means.
No, when I considered
It was a jest, and carried off so quaintly,
It made me merry: very merry, Gentlemen,
I do confess I could not sleep to think on't,
The mirth so tickled me, I could not slumber.
Good mirth do's work so: honest mirth,
Now, should we have meant in earnest--
You say true neighbour.
It might have bred such a distast and sowrness,
Such fond imaginations in your Brains, Sir,
For things thrust home in earnest.--
But I know ye all for merry waggs, and ere long
You shall know me too in another fashion,
Though y'are pamper'd, ye shall bear part o'th' burthen.
_Enter_ Amaranta, _and_ Leandro.
Come wife; Come bid 'em welcom; Come my Jewel:
And Pupil, you shall come too; ne're hang backward,
Come, come the woman's pleas'd, her anger's over,
Come, be not bashfull.
What do's he prepare here?
Sure there's no meat i'th' house, at least not drest,
Do's he mean to mock 'em? or some new bred crotchet
Come o're his brains; I do not like his kindness:
But silence best becomes me: if he mean foul play,
Sure they are enough to right themselves, and let 'em,
I'le sit by, so they beat him not to powder.
Bring in the meat there, ha? Sit down dear neighbour,
A little meat needs little Complement,
Sit down I say.
What do you mean by this Sir?
Convey away their weapons handsomely.
You know there's none i'th' house to answer ye,
But the poor Girle; you know there's no meat neither.
Peace and be quiet; I shall make you smoak else,
There's men and meat enough, set it down formally.
_Enter_ Algazeirs, _with dishes_.
I fear some lewd trick, yet I dare not speak on't.
I have no dainties for ye Gentlemen,
Nor loads of meat, to make the room smell of 'em.
Only a dish to every man I have dedicated,
And if I have pleas'd his appetite.
O, a Capon,
A Bird of grace, and be thy will, I honour it.
For me some fortie pound of lovely Beef,
Plac'd in a mediterranean sea of Brewis.
Fall to, fall to, that we may drink and laugh after,
Wait diligently knaves.
What rare bit's this?
An execution! bless me!
Nay take it to ye,
There's no avoiding it, 'tis somewhat tough Sir,
But a good stomach will endure it easily,
The sum is but a thousand duckets Sir.
A Capias from my Surgeon, and my Silk-man!
Your carefull makers, but they have mar'd your diet.
Stir not, your Swords are gone: there's no avoiding me,
And these are Algazeirs, do you hear that passing bell?
A strong Citation, bless me!
Out with your Beads, Curate,
The Devil's in your dish: bell, book, and Candle.
A warrant to appear before the Judges!
I must needs rise, and turn to th' wall.
Ye need not,
Your fear I hope will make ye find your Breeches.
We are betrai'd.
Invited do not wrong me,
Fall to, good Guests, you have diligent men about ye,
Ye shall want nothing that may persecute ye,
These will not see ye start; Have I now found ye?
Have I requited ye? You fool'd the Lawyer,
And thought it meritorious to abuse him,
A thick ram-headed knave: you rid, you spur'd him,
And glorified your wits, the more ye wronged him;
Within this hour ye shall have all your Creditours,
A second dish of new debts, come upon ye,
And new invitements to the whip, _Don Diego_,
And Excommunications for the learned Curate,
A Masque of all your furies shall dance to ye.
You dare not use us thus?
You shall be bob'd, Gentlemen,
Stir, and as I have a life, ye goe to prison,
To prison, without pitie instantly,
Before ye speak another word to prison.
I have a better Guard without, that waits;
Do you see this man, _Don_ Curate? 'tis a Paratour
That comes to tell ye a delightfull story
Of an old whore ye have, and then to teach ye
What is the penaltie; Laugh at me now Sir,
What Legacie would ye bequeath me now,
(And pay it on the nail?) to fly my fury?
O gentle Sir.
Do'st thou hope I will be gentle,
Thou foolish unconsiderate Curate?
Let me goe Sir.
I'le see thee hang first.
And as I am a true Vicar,
Hark in your ear, hark softly--
No, no bribery.
I'le have my swindge upon thee; Sirra? Rascal?
You Lenten Chaps, you that lay sick, and mockt me,
Mockt me abominably, abused me lewdly,
I'le make thee sick at heart, before I leave thee,
And groan, and dye indeed, and be worth nothing,
Not worth a blessing, nor a Bell to knell for thee,
A sheet to cover thee, but that thou Stealest,
Stealest from the Merchant, and the Ring he was buried with
Stealest from his Grave, do you smell me now?
Have mercy on me!
No Psalm of mercy shall hold me from hanging thee.
How do ye like your Breakfast? 'tis but short, Gentlemen,
But sweet and healthfull; Your punishment, and yours, Sir,
For some near reasons that concern my Credit,
I will take to my self.
Doe Sir, and spare not:
I have been too good a wife, and too obedient,
But since ye dare provoke me to be foolish--
She has, yes, and too worthie of your usage,
Before the world I justifie her goodness,
And turn that man, that dares but taint her vertues,
To my Swords point; that lying man, that base man,
Turn him, but face to face, that I may know him.
What have I here?
A Gentleman, a free man,
One that made trial of this Ladies constancie,
And found it strong as fate; leave off your fooling,
For if you follow this course, you will be Chronicled.
_Enter_ Jamy _and_ Assistant.
For a devil, whilst a Saint she is mentioned,
You know my name indeed; I am now no Lawyer.
Some comfort now, I hope, or else would I were hanged up.
And yet the Judge, he makes me sweat.
What news now?
I will justifie upon my life and credit
What you have heard, for truth, and will make proof of.
I will be ready at the appointed hour there,
And so I leave ye.
Stay I beseech your worship,
And do but hear me.
Good Sir, intend this business,
And let this bawling fool, no more words lawyer,
And no more angers, for I guess your reasons,
This Gentleman, I'le justifie in all places,
And that fair Ladies worth; let who dare cross it.
The Plot was cast by me, to make thee jealous,
But not to wrong your wife, she is fair and vertuous.
Take us to mercy too, we beseech your honour,
We shall be justified the way of all flesh else.
No more talk, nor no more dissention lawyer,
I know your anger, 'tis a vain and slight one,
For if you doe, I'le lay your whole life open,
A life that all the world shall--I'le bring witness,
And rip before a Judge the ulcerous villanies,
You know I know ye, and I can bring witness.
Nay good Sir, noble Sir.
Be at peace then presently,
Immediatley take honest and fair truce
With your good wife, and shake hands with that Gentleman;
H'as honour'd ye too much, and doe it cheerfully.
Take us along, for Heaven sake too.
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