Those Extraordinary Twins
This etext was produced by David Widger
THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS
by Mark Twain
A man who is born with the novel-writing gift has a troublesome time of
it when he tries to build a novel. I know this from experience. He has
no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has some
people in his mind, and an incident or two, also a locality. He knows
these people, he knows the selected locality, and he trusts that he can
plunge those people into those incidents with interesting results. So he
goes to work. To write a novel? No--that is a thought which comes
later; in the beginning he is only proposing to tell a little tale; a
very little tale; a six-page tale. But as it is a tale which he is not
acquainted with, and can only find out what it is by listening as it goes
along telling itself, it is more than apt to go on and on and on till it
spreads itself into a book. I know about this, because it has happened
to me so many times.
And I have noticed another thing: that as the short tale grows into the
long tale, the original intention (or motif) is apt to get abolished and
find itself superseded by a quite different one. It was so in the case
of a magazine sketch which I once started to write--a funny and fantastic
sketch about a prince and a pauper; it presently assumed a grave cast of
its own accord, and in that new shape spread itself out into a book.
Much the same thing happened with "Pudd'nhead Wilson." I had a
sufficiently hard time with that tale, because it changed itself from a
farce to a tragedy while I was going along with it--a most embarrassing
circumstance. But what was a great deal worse was, that it was not one
story, but two stories tangled together; and they obstructed and
interrupted each other at every turn and created no end of confusion and
annoyance. I could not offer the book for publication, for I was afraid
it would unseat the reader's reason. I did not know what was the matter
with it, for I had not noticed, as yet, that it was two stories in one.
It took me months to make that discovery. I carried the manuscript back
and forth across the Atlantic two or three times, and read it and studied
over it on shipboard; and at last I saw where the difficulty lay. I had
no further trouble. I pulled one of the stories out by the roots, and
left the other one--a kind of literary Caesarean operation.
Would the reader care to know something about the story which I pulled
out? He has been told many a time how the born-and-trained novelist
works. Won't he let me round and complete his knowledge by telling him
how the jack-leg does it?
Originally the story was called "Those Extraordinary Twins." I meant to
make it very short. I had seen a picture of a youthful Italian "freak"
or "freaks" which was--or which were--on exhibition in our cities--a
combination consisting of two heads and four arms joined to a single body
and a single pair of legs--and I thought I would write an extravagantly
fantastic little story with this freak of nature for hero--or heroes--
a silly young miss for heroine, and two old ladies and two boys for the
minor parts. I lavishly elaborated these people and their doings, of
course. But the tale kept spreading along, and spreading along, and
other people got to intruding themselves and taking up more and more room
with their talk and their affairs. Among them came a stranger named
Pudd'nhead Wilson, and a woman named Roxana; and presently the doings of
these two pushed up into prominence a young fellow named Tom Driscoll,
whose proper place was away in the obscure background. Before the book
was half finished those three were taking things almost entirely into
their own hands and working the whole tale as a private venture of their
own--a tale which they had nothing at all to do with, by rights.
When the book was finished and I came to look around to see what had
become of the team I had originally started out with--Aunt Patsy Cooper,
Aunt Betsy Hale, the two boys, and Rowena the light-weight heroine--they
were nowhere to be seen; they had disappeared from the story some time or
other. I hunted about and found them found them stranded, idle,
forgotten, and permanently useless. It was very awkward. It was awkward
all around; but more particularly in the case of Rowena, because there
was a love-match on, between her and one of the twins that constituted
the freak, and I had worked it up to a blistering heat and thrown in a
quite dramatic love-quarrel, wherein Rowena scathingly denounced her
betrothed for getting drunk, and scoffed at his explanation of how it had
happened, and wouldn't listen to it, and had driven him from her in the
usual "forever" way; and now here she sat crying and broken-hearted; for
she had found that he had spoken only the truth; that it was not he, but
the other half of the freak, that had drunk the liquor that made him
drunk; that her half was a prohibitionist and had never drunk a drop in
his life, and, although tight as a brick three days in the week, was
wholly innocent of blame; and indeed, when sober, was constantly doing
all he could to reform his brother, the other half, who never got any
satisfaction out of drinking, anyway, because liquor never affected him.
Yes, here she was, stranded with that deep injustice of hers torturing
her poor torn heart.
I didn't know what to do with her. I was as sorry for her as anybody
could be, but the campaign was over, the book was finished, she was
sidetracked, and there was no possible way of crowding her in, anywhere.
I could not leave her there, of course; it would not do. After spreading
her out so, and making such a to-do over her affairs, it would be
absolutely necessary to account to the reader for her. I thought and
thought and studied and studied; but I arrived at nothing. I finally saw
plainly that there was really no way but one--I must simply give her the
grand bounce. It grieved me to do it, for after associating with her so
much I had come to kind of like her after a fashion, notwithstanding she
was such an ass and said such stupid irritating things and was so
nauseatingly sentimental. Still it had to be done. So, at the top of
Chapter XVII, I put in a "Calendar" remark concerning July Fourth, and
began the chapter with this statistic:
"Rowena went out in the back yard after supper to see the fireworks and
fell down the well and got drowned."
It seemed abrupt, but I thought maybe the reader wouldn't notice it,
because I changed the subject right away to something else. Anyway it
loosened up Rowena from where she was stuck and got her out of the way,
and that was the main thing. It seemed a prompt good way of weeding out
people that had got stalled, and a plenty good enough way for those
others; so I hunted up the two boys and said "they went out back one
night to stone the cat and fell down the well and got drowned." Next I
searched around and found old Aunt Patsy Cooper and Aunt Betsy Hale where
they were aground, and said "they went out back one night to visit the
sick and fell down the well and got drowned." I was going to drown some
of the others, but I gave up the idea, partly because I believed that if
I kept that up it would arouse attention, and perhaps sympathy with those
people, and partly because it was not a large well and would not hold any
Still the story was unsatisfactory. Here was a set of new characters who
were become inordinately prominent and who persisted in remaining so to
the end; and back yonder was an older set who made a large noise and a
great to-do for a little while and then suddenly played out utterly and
fell down the well. There was a radical defect somewhere, and I must
search it out and cure it.
The defect turned out to be the one already spoken of--two stories in
one, a farce and a tragedy. So I pulled out the farce and left the
tragedy. This left the original team in, but only as mere names, not as
characters. Their prominence was wholly gone; they were not even worth
drowning; so I removed that detail. Also I took those twins apart and
made two separate men of them. They had no occasion to have foreign
names now, but it was too much trouble to remove them all through, so I
left them christened as they were and made no explanation.
THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE
The conglomerate twins were brought on the the stage in Chapter I of the
original extravaganza. Aunt Patsy Cooper has received their letter
applying for board and lodging, and Rowena, her daughter, insane with
joy, is begging for a hearing of it:
"Well, set down then, and be quiet a minute and don't fly around so; it
fairly makes me tired to see you. It starts off so: 'HONORED MADAM'--"
"I like that, ma, don't you? It shows they're high-bred."
"Yes, I noticed that when I first read it. 'My brother and I have seen
your advertisement, by chance, in a copy of your local journal--'
"It's so beautiful and smooth, ma-don't you think so?"
"Yes, seems so to me--'and beg leave to take the room you offer. We are
twenty-four years of age, and twins--'"
"Twins! How sweet! I do hope they are handsome, and I just know they
are! Don't you hope they are, ma?"
"Land, I ain't particular. 'We are Italians by birth--'"
"It's so romantic! Just think there's never been one in this town, and
everybody will want to see them, and they're all ours! Think of that!"
"--'but have lived long in the various countries of Europe, and several
years in the United States.'"
"Oh, just think what wonders they've seen, ma! Won't it be good to hear
"I reckon so; yes, I reckon so. 'Our names are Luigi and Angelo Capello-
"Beautiful, perfectly beautiful! Not like Jones and Robinson and those
"'You desire but one guest, but dear madam, if you will allow us to pay
for two we will not discommode you. We will sleep together in the same
bed. We have always been used to this, and prefer it. And then he goes
on to say they will be down Thursday."
"And this is Tuesday--I don't know how I'm ever going to wait, ma! The
time does drag along so, and I'm so dying to see them! Which of them do
you reckon is the tallest, ma?"
"How do you s'pose I can tell, child? Mostly they are the same
"'Well then, which do you reckon is the best looking?"
"Goodness knows--I don't."
"I think Angelo is; it's the prettiest name, anyway. Don't you think
it's a sweet name, ma?"
"Yes, it's well enough. I'd like both of them better if I knew the way
to pronounce them--the Eyetalian way, I mean. The Missouri way and the
Eyetalian way is different, I judge."
"Maybe--yes. It's Luigi that writes the letter. What do you reckon is
the reason Angelo didn't write it?"
"Why, how can I tell? What's the difference who writes it, so long as
"Oh, I hope it wasn't because he is sick! You don't think he is sick, do
"Sick your granny; what's to make him sick?"
"Oh, there's never any telling. These foreigners with that kind of names
are so delicate, and of course that kind of names are not suited to our
climate--you wouldn't expect it."
[And so-on and so-on, no end. The time drags along; Thursday comes: the
boat arrives in a pouring storm toward midnight.]
At last there was a knock at the door and the anxious family jumped to
open it. Two negro men entered, each carrying a trunk, and proceeded
upstairs toward the guest-room. Then followed a stupefying apparition--
a double-headed human creature with four arms, one body, and a single
pair of legs! It--or they, as you please--bowed with elaborate foreign
formality, but the Coopers could not respond immediately; they were
paralyzed. At this moment there came from the rear of the group a
fervent ejaculation--"My lan'!"--followed by a crash of crockery, and the
slave-wench Nancy stood petrified and staring, with a tray of wrecked
tea-things at her feet. The incident broke the spell, and brought the
family to consciousness. The beautiful heads of the new-comer bowed
again, and one of them said with easy grace and dignity:
"I crave the honor, madam and miss, to introduce to you my brother, Count
Luigi Capello," (the other head bowed) "and myself--Count Angelo; and at
the same time offer sincere apologies for the lateness of our coming,
which was unavoidable," and both heads bowed again.
The poor old lady was in a whirl of amazement and confusion, but she
managed to stammer out:
"I'm sure I'm glad to make your acquaintance, sir--I mean, gentlemen.
As for the delay, it is nothing, don't mention it. This is my daughter
Rowena, sir--gentlemen. Please step into the parlor and sit down and
have a bite and sup; you are dreadful wet and must be uncomfortable--
both of you, I mean."
But to the old lady's relief they courteously excused themselves, saying
it would be wrong to keep the family out of their beds longer; then each
head bowed in turn and uttered a friendly good night, and the singular
figure moved away in the wake of Rowena's small brothers, who bore
candles, and disappeared up the stairs.
The widow tottered into the parlor and sank into a chair with a gasp,
and Rowena followed, tongue-tied and dazed. The two sat silent in the
throbbing summer heat unconscious of the million-voiced music of the
mosquitoes, unconscious of the roaring gale, the lashing and thrashing of
the rain along the windows and the roof, the white glare of the
lightning, the tumultuous booming and bellowing of the thunder; conscious
of nothing but that prodigy, that uncanny apparition that had come and
gone so suddenly--that weird strange thing that was so soft-spoken and so
gentle of manner and yet had shaken them up like an earthquake with the
shock of its gruesome aspect. At last a cold little shudder quivered
along down the widow's meager frame and she said in a weak voice:
"Ugh, it was awful just the mere look of that phillipene!"
Rowena did not answer. Her faculties were still caked; she had not yet
found her voice. Presently the widow said, a little resentfully:
"Always been used to sleeping together--in-fact, prefer it. And I was
thinking it was to accommodate me. I thought it was very good of them,
whereas a person situated as that young man is--"
"Ma, you oughtn't to begin by getting up a prejudice against him.
I'm sure he is good-hearted and means well. Both of his faces show it."
"I'm not so certain about that. The one on the left--I mean the one on
it's left--hasn't near as good a face, in my opinion, as its brother."
"Yes, Luigi; anyway it's the dark-skinned one; the one that was west of
his brother when they stood in the door. Up to all kinds of mischief and
disobedience when he was a boy, I'll be bound. I lay his mother had
trouble to lay her hand on him when she wanted him. But the one on the
right is as good as gold, I can see that."
"Yes, Angelo, I reckon, though I can't tell t'other from which by their
names, yet awhile. But it's the right-hand one--the blond one. He has
such kind blue eyes, and curly copper hair and fresh complexion--"
"And such a noble face!--oh, it is a noble face, ma, just royal, you may
say! And beautiful deary me, how beautiful! But both are that; the dark
one's as beautiful as--a picture. There's no such wonderful faces and
handsome heads in this town none that even begin. And such hands,
especially Angelo's--so shapely and--"
"Stuff, how could you tell which they belonged to?--they had gloves on."
"Why, didn't I see them take off their hats?"
"That don't signify. They might have taken off each other's hats.
Nobody could tell. There was just a wormy squirming of arms in the air
--seemed to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it
just made me dizzy to see them go."
"Why, ma, I hadn't any difficulty. There's two arms on each shoulder--"
"There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures,
don't it? For a person to have two arms on one shoulder wouldn't do him
any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder.
Now then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They
don't know, themselves--they just work whichever arm comes handy. Of
course they do; especially if they are in a hurry and can't stop to think
which belongs to which."
The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter
abandoned the struggle. Presently the widow rose with a yawn and said:
"Poor thing, I hope it won't catch cold; it was powerful wet, just
drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its boots outside, so they can
Then she gave a little start, and looked perplexed.
"Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after
seven--I think it was the one on the left--no, it was the one to the east
of the other one--but I didn't hear the other one say any thing. I
wonder if he wants to be called too. Do you reckon it's too late to
"Why, ma, it's not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets
up, the other's got to."
"Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can
get some sleep, but I don't know, I'm so shook up with what we've been
The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of
talk as they were getting to bed. Henry, the gentle, the humane, said:
"I feel ever so sorry for it, don't you, Joe?"
But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a
theatrical side to him:
"Sorry? Why, how you talk! It can't stir a step without attracting
attention. It's just grand!"
Henry said, reproachfully:
"Instead of pitying it, Joe, you talk as if--"
"Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so
I can eat for two and only have to stub toes for one, I ain't going to
fool away no such chance just for sentiment."
The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress without-any
preliminary remarks. The abundance of sleeve made the partnership coat
hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came at
last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then
the brothers stood up before the glass, and each took off his own cravat
and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up
under the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the
fashion of the day. The cravats were as broad as a bank-bill, with
fringed ends which stood far out to right and left like the wings of a
dragon-fly, and this also was strictly in accordance with the fashion of
the time. Each cravat, as to color, was in perfect taste, so far as its
owner's complexion was concerned--a delicate pink, in the case of the
blond brother, a violent scarlet in the case of the brunette--but as a
combination they broke all the laws of taste known to civilization.
Nothing more fiendish and irreconcilable than those shrieking and
blaspheming colors could have been contrived, The wet boots gave no end
of trouble--to Luigi. When they were off at last, Angelo said, with
"I wish you wouldn't wear such tight boots, they hurt my feet."
Luigi answered with indifference:
"My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel
according to my own convenience, as I have remarked more than several
times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you
Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle
reproach in his voice, but, not anger, when he replied:
"Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When I
am in command I treat you as a guest; I try to make you feel at home;
when you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me feel
unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can, see that
people notice it and comment on it."
"Oh, damn the people," responded the brother languidly, and with the air
of one who is tired of the subject.
A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the
conversation ceased. Each buttoned his own share of the nightshirt in
silence; then Luigi, with Paine's Age of Reason in his hand, sat down in
one chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo took
his Whole Duty of Man, and both began to read. Angelo presently began to
cough; his coughing increased and became mixed with gaspings for breath,
and he was finally obliged to make an appeal to his brother's humanity:
"Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I
could learn not to mind it in time, but this is so strong, and the pipe
is so rank that--"
"Angelo, I wouldn't be such a baby! I have learned to smoke in a week,
and the trouble is already over with me; if you would try, you could
learn too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with your
"Ah, brother, that is a strong word--everlasting--and isn't quite fair.
I only complain when I suffocate; you know I don't complain when we are
in the open air."
"Well, anyway, you could learn to smoke yourself."
"But my principles, Luigi, you forget my principles. You would not have
me do a thing which I regard as a sin?"
The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and
strangling; but after some time he closed his book and asked Luigi to
sing "From Greenland's Icy Mountains" with him, but he would not, and
when he tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown his
plaintive tenor with a rude and rollicking song delivered in a thundering
After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy.
Before blowing the light out Luigi swallowed half a tumbler of whisky,
and Angelo, whose sensitive organization could not endure intoxicants of
any kind, took a pill to keep it from giving him the headache.
MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP
The family sat in the breakfast-room waiting for the twins to come down.
The widow was quiet, the daughter was alive with happy excitement. She
"Ah, they're a boon, ma, just a boon! don't you think so?"
"Laws, I hope so, I don't know."
"Why, ma, yes you do. They're so fine and handsome, and high-bred and
polite, so every way superior to our gawks here in this village; why,
they'll make life different from what it was--so humdrum and commonplace,
you know--oh, you may be sure they're full of accomplishments, and
knowledge of the world, and all that, that will be an immense advantage
to society here. Don't you think so, ma?"
"Mercy on me, how should I know, and I've hardly set eyes on them yet."
After a pause she added, "They made considerable noise after they went
"Noise? Why, ma, they were singing! And it was beautiful, too."
"Oh, it was well enough, but too mixed-up, seemed to me."
"Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear 'Greenland's Icy Mountains'
sung sweeter--now did you?"
"If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I
don't deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with 'Old Bob Ridley'
for, I can't make out. Why, they don't go together, at all. They are
not of the same nature. 'Bob Ridley' is a common rackety slam-bang
secular song, one of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is.
I am no judge of music, and I don't claim it, but in my opinion nobody
can make those two songs go together right."
"Why, ma, I thought--"
"It don't make any difference what you thought, it can't be done. They
tried it, and to my mind it was a failure. I never heard such a crazy
uproar; seemed to me, sometimes, the roof would come off; and as for the
cats--well, I've lived a many a year, and seen cats aggravated in more
ways than one, but I've never seen cats take on the way they took on last
"Well, I don't think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the
nature of cats that any sound that is unusual--"
"Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets
every night, I do hope they will both sing the same tune at the same
time, for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is
a mistake; especially when the tunes ain't any kin to one another, that
"But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too;
and the best way, because they have had every opportunity to know what is
right, and it don't stand to reason that with their education they would
do anything but what the highest musical authorities have sanctioned.
You can't help but admit that, ma."
The argument was formidably strong; the old lady could not find any way
around it; so, after thinking it over awhile she gave in with a sigh of
discontent, and admitted that the daughter's position was probably
correct. Being vanquished, she had no mind to continue the topic at that
disadvantage, and was about to seek a change when a change came of
itself. A footstep was heard on the stairs, and she said:
"They, ma--you ought to say they--it's nearer right."
The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome,
stepped with courtly carnage into the trim little breakfast-room and put
out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocket-knives with a
multiplicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family
simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant and hearty that all
embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery feeling
of friendliness and comradeship took its place. He--or preferably they
--were asked to occupy the seat of honor at the foot of the table. They
consented with thanks, and carved the beefsteak with one set of their
hands while they distributed it at the same time with the other set.
"Will you have coffee, gentlemen, or tea?"
"Coffee for Luigi, if you please, madam, tea for me."
"Cream and sugar?"
"For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee, black. Our natures differ a
good deal from each other, and our tastes also."
The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two
heads turned in opposite directions and both talking at once, then saw
the commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the
other at the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a
faintness that came over her; but after that she held her grip and was
able to wait on the table with fair courage.
Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little
jerky, at first, because none of the family could get smoothly through a
sentence without a wabble in it here and a break there, caused by some
new surprise in the way of attitude or gesture on the part of the twins.
The weather suffered the most. The weather was all finished up and
disposed of, as a subject, before the simple Missourians had gotten
sufficiently wonted to the spectacle of one body feeding two heads to
feel composed and reconciled in the presence of so bizarre a miracle.
And even after everybody's mind became tranquilized there was still one
slight distraction left: the hand that picked up a biscuit carried it to
the wrong head, as often as any other way, and the wrong mouth devoured
it. This was a puzzling thing, and marred the talk a little. It
bothered the widow to such a degree that she presently dropped out of the
conversation without knowing it, and fell to watching and guessing and
talking to herself:
"Now that hand is going to take that coffee to no, it's gone to the other
mouth; I can't understand it; and how, here is the dark-complected hand
with a potato in its fork, I'll see what goes with it--there, the
light-complected head's got it, as sure as I live!"
Finally Rowena said:
"Ma, what is the matter with you? Are you dreaming about something?"
The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the
first random thing that came into her mind: "I saw Mr. Angelo take up Mr.
Luigi's coffee, and I thought maybe he--sha'n't I give you a cup, Mr.
"Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as
I would like to. You did see me take up Luigi's cup, it is true, but if
you noticed, I didn't carry it to my mouth, but to his."
"Y-es, I thought you did: Did you mean to?"
The widow was a little embarrassed again. She said:
"I don't know but what I'm foolish, and you mustn't mind; but you see,
he got the coffee I was expecting to see you drink, and you got a potato
that I thought he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake
all around, and everybody getting what wasn't intended for him."
Both twins laughed and Luigi said:
"Dear madam, there wasn't any mistake. We are always helping each other
that way. It is a great economy for us both; it saves time and labor.
We have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but
ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the
sign and Angelo furnishes it to me; and you saw that when he needed a
potato I delivered it."
"Yes, and often of the extremest value. Take the Mississippi boats, for
instance. They are always overcrowded. There is table-room for only
half of the passengers, therefore they have to set a second table for the
second half. The stewards rush both parties, they give them no time to
eat a satisfying meal, both divisions leave the table hungry. It isn't
so with us. Angelo books himself for the one table, I book myself for
the other. Neither of us eats anything at the other's table, but just
simply works--works. Thus, you see there are four hands to feed Angelo,
and the same four to feed me. Each of us eats two meals."
The old lady was dazed with admiration, and kept saying, "It is perfectly
wonderful, perfectly wonderful" and the boy Joe licked his chops
enviously, but said nothing--at least aloud.
"Yes," continued Luigi, "our construction may have its disadvantages--in
fact, has but it also has its compensations of one sort and another. Take
travel, for instance. Travel is enormously expensive, in all countries;
we have been obliged to do a vast deal of it--come, Angelo, don't put any
more sugar in your tea, I'm just over one indigestion and don't want
another right away--been obliged to do a deal of it, as I was saying.
Well, we always travel as one person, since we occupy but one seat; so we
save half the fare."
"How romantic!" interjected Rowena, with effusion.
"Yes, my dear young lady, and how practical too, and economical. In
Europe, beds in the hotels are not charged with the board, but
separately--another saving, for we stood to our rights and paid for the
one bed only. The landlords often insisted that as both of us occupied
the bed we ought--"
"No, they didn't," said Angelo. "They did it only twice, and in both
cases it was a double bed--a rare thing in Europe--and the double bed
gave them some excuse. Be fair to the landlords; twice doesn't
"Well, that depends--that depends. I knew a man who fell down a well
twice. He said he didn't mind the first time, but he thought the second
time was once too often. Have I misused that word, Mrs. Cooper?"
"To tell the truth, I was afraid you had, but it seems to look, now, like
you hadn't." She stopped, and was evidently struggling with the
difficult problem a moment, then she added in the tone of one who is
convinced without being converted, "It seems so, but I can't somehow tell
Rowena thought Luigi's retort was wonderfully quick and bright, and she
remarked to herself with satisfaction that there wasn't any young native
of Dawson's Landing that could have risen to the occasion like that.
Luigi detected the applause in her face, and expressed his pleasure and
his thanks with his eyes; and so eloquently withal, that the girl was
proud and pleased, and hung out the delicate sign of it on her cheeks.
Luigi went on, with animation:
"Both of us get a bath for one ticket, theater seat for one ticket,
pew-rent is on the same basis, but at peep-shows we pay double."
"We have much to' be thankful for," said Angelo, impressively, with a
reverent light in his eye and a reminiscent tone in his voice, "we have
been greatly blessed. As a rule, what one of us has lacked, the other,
by the bounty of Providence, has been able to supply. My brother is
hardy, I am not; he is very masculine, assertive, aggressive; I am much
less so. I am subject to illness, he is never ill. I cannot abide
medicines, and cannot take them, but he has no prejudice against them,
"Why, goodness gracious," interrupted the widow, "when you are sick, does
he take the medicine for you?"
"Why, I never heard such a thing in my life! I think it's beautiful of
"Oh, madam, it's nothing, don't mention it, it's really nothing at all."
"But I say it's beautiful, and I stick to it!" cried the widow, with a
speaking moisture in her eye.
"A well brother to take the medicine for his poor sick brother--I wish I
had such a son," and she glanced reproachfully at her boys. "I declare
I'll never rest till I've shook you by the hand," and she scrambled out
of her chair in a fever of generous enthusiasm, and made for the twins,
blind with her tears, and began to shake. The boy Joe corrected her:
"You're shaking the wrong one, ma."
This flurried her, but she made a swift change and went on shaking.
"Got the wrong one again, ma," said the boy.
"Oh, shut up, can't you!" said the widow, embarrassed and irritated.
"Give me all your hands, I want to shake them all; for I know you are
both just as good as you can be."
It was a victorious thought, a master-stroke of diplomacy, though that
never occurred to her and she cared nothing for diplomacy. She shook the
four hands in turn cordially, and went back to her place in a state of
high and fine exultation that made her look young and handsome.
"Indeed I owe everything to Luigi," said Angelo, affectionately.
"But for him I could not have survived our boyhood days, when we were
friendless and poor--ah, so poor! We lived from hand to mouth-lived on
the coarse fare of unwilling charity, and for weeks and weeks together
not a morsel of food passed my lips, for its character revolted me and I
could not eat it. But for Luigi I should have died. He ate for us
"How noble!" sighed Rowena.
"Do you hear that?" said the widow, severely, to her boys. "Let it be an
example to you--I mean you, Joe."
Joe gave his head a barely perceptible disparaging toss and said: "Et for
both. It ain't anything I'd 'a' done it."
"Hush, if you haven't got any better manners than that. You don't see
the point at all. It wasn't good food."
"I don't care--it was food, and I'd 'a' et it if it was rotten."
"Shame! Such language! Can't you understand? They were starving--
actually starving--and he ate for both, and--"
"Shucks! you gimme a chance and I'll--"
"There, now--close your head! and don't you open it again till you're
[Angelo goes on and tells how his parents the Count and Countess had
to fly from Florence for political reasons, and died poor in Berlin
bereft of their great property by confiscation; and how he and Luigi
had to travel with a freak-show during two years and suffer
"That hateful black-bread; but I seldom ate anything during that time;
that was poor Luigi's affair--"
"I'll never Mister him again!" cried the widow, with strong emotion,
"he's Luigi to me, from this out!"
"Thank you a thousand times, madam, a thousand times! though in truth I
don't deserve it."
"Ah, Luigi is always the fortunate one when honors are showering," said
Angelo, plaintively; "now what have I done, Mrs. Cooper, that you leave
me out? Come, you must strain a point in my favor."
"Call you Angelo? Why, certainly I will; what are you thinking of! In
the case of twins, why--"
"But, ma, you're breaking up the story--do let him go on."
"You keep still, Rowena Cooper, and he can go on all the better, I
reckon. One interruption don't hurt, it's two that makes the trouble."
"But you've added one, now, and that is three."
"Rowena! I will not allow you to talk back at me when you have got
nothing rational to say."
ANGELO IS BLUE
[After breakfast the whole village crowded in, and there was a grand
reception in honor of the twins; and at the close of it the gifted
"freak" captured everybody's admiration by sitting down at the piano and
knocking out a classic four-handed piece in great style. Then the judge
took it--or them--driving in his buggy and showed off his village.]
All along the streets the people crowded the windows and stared at the
amazing twins. Troops of small boys flocked after the buggy, excited and
yelling. At first the dogs showed no interest. They thought they merely
saw three men in a buggy--a matter of no consequence; but when they found
out the facts of the case, they altered their opinion pretty radically,
and joined the boys, expressing their minds as they came. Other dogs got
interested; indeed, all the dogs. It was a spirited sight to see them
come leaping fences, tearing around corners, swarming out of every
bystreet and alley. The noise they made was something beyond belief--
or praise. They did not seem to be moved by malice but only by
prejudice, the common human prejudice against lack of conformity. If the
twins turned their heads, they broke and fled in every direction, but
stopped at a safe distance and faced about; and then formed and came on
again as soon as the strangers showed them their back. Negroes and
farmers' wives took to the woods when the buggy came upon them suddenly,
and altogether the drive was pleasant and animated, and a refreshment all
[It was a long and lively drive. Angelo was a Methodist, Luigi was
a Free-thinker. The judge was very proud of his Freethinkers'
Society, which was flourishing along in a most prosperous way and
already had two members--himself and the obscure and neglected
Pudd'nhead Wilson. It was to meet that evening, and he invited
Luigi to join; a thing which Luigi was glad to do, partly because it
would please himself, and partly because it would gravel Angelo.]
They had now arrived at the widow's gate, and the excursion was ended.
The twins politely expressed their obligations for the pleasant outing
which had been afforded them; to which the judge bowed his thanks,
and then said he would now go and arrange for the Free-thinkers' meeting,
and would call for Count Luigi in the evening.
"For you also, dear sir," he added hastily, turning to Angelo and bowing.
"In addressing myself particularly to your brother, I was not meaning to
leave you out. It was an unintentional rudeness, I assure you, and due
wholly to accident--accident and preoccupation. I beg you to forgive
His quick eye had seen the sensitive blood mount into Angelo's face,
betraying the wound that had been inflicted. The sting of the slight had
gone deep, but the apology was so prompt, and so evidently sincere, that
the hurt was almost immediately healed, and a forgiving smile testified
to the kindly judge that all was well again.
Concealed behind Angelo's modest and unassuming exterior, and unsuspected
by any but his intimates, was a lofty pride, a pride of almost abnormal
proportions, indeed, and this rendered him ever the prey of slights; and
although they were almost always imaginary ones, they hurt none the less
on that account. By ill fortune judge Driscoll had happened to touch his
sorest point, i.e., his conviction that his brother's presence was
welcomer everywhere than his own; that he was often invited, out of mere
courtesy, where only his brother was wanted, and that in a majority of
cases he would not be included in an invitation if he could be left out
without offense. A sensitive nature like this is necessarily subject to
moods; moods which traverse the whole gamut of feeling; moods which know
all the climes of emotion, from the sunny heights of joy to the black
abysses of despair. At times, in his seasons of deepest depressions,
Angelo almost wished that he and his brother might become segregated from
each other and be separate individuals, like other men. But of course as
soon as his mind cleared and these diseased imaginings passed away, he
shuddered at the repulsive thought, and earnestly prayed that it might
visit him no more. To be separate, and as other men are! How awkward it
would seem; how unendurable. What would he do with his hands, his arms?
How would his legs feel? How odd, and strange, and grotesque every
action, attitude, movement, gesture would be. To sleep by himself, eat
by himself, walk by himself--how lonely, how unspeakably lonely! No, no,
any fate but that. In every way and from every point, the idea was
This was of course natural; to have felt otherwise would have been
unnatural. He had known no life but a combined one; he had been familiar
with it from his birth; he was not able to conceive of any other as being
agreeable, or even bearable. To him, in the privacy of his secret
thoughts, all other men were monsters, deformities: and during
three-fourths of his life their aspect had filled him with what promised
to be an unconquerable aversion. But at eighteen his eye began to take
note of female beauty; and little by little, undefined longings grew up
in his heart, under whose softening influences the old stubborn aversion
gradually diminished, and finally disappeared. Men were still
monstrosities to him, still deformities, and in his sober moments he had
no desire to be like them, but their strange and unsocial and uncanny
construction was no longer offensive to him.
This had been a hard day for him, physically and mentally. He had been
called in the morning before he had quite slept off the effects of the
liquor which Luigi had drunk; and so, for the first half-hour had had the
seedy feeling, and languor, the brooding depression, the cobwebby mouth
and druggy taste that come of dissipation and are so ill a preparation
for bodily or intellectual activities; the long violent strain of the
reception had followed; and this had been followed, in turn, by the
dreary sight-seeing, the judge's wearying explanations and laudations of
the sights, and the stupefying clamor of the dogs. As a congruous
conclusion, a fitting end, his feelings had been hurt, a slight had been
put upon him. He would have been glad to forego dinner and betake
himself to rest and sleep, but he held his peace and said no word, for he
knew his brother, Luigi, was fresh, unweary, full of life, spirit,
energy; he would have scoffed at the idea of wasting valuable time on a
bed or a sofa, and would have refused permission.
Rowena was dining out, Joe and Harry were belated at play, there were but
three chairs and four persons that noon at the home dinner-table--
the twins, the widow, and her chum, Aunt Betsy Hale. The widow soon
perceived that Angelo's spirits were as low as Luigi's were high, and
also that he had a jaded look. Her motherly solicitude was aroused, and
she tried to get him interested in the talk and win him to a happier
frame of mind, but the cloud of sadness remained on his countenance.
Luigi lent his help, too. He used a form and a phrase which he was
always accustomed to employ in these circumstances. He gave his brother
an affectionate slap on the shoulder and said, encouragingly:
"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come!"
But this did no good. It never did. If anything, it made the matter
worse, as a rule, because it irritated Angelo. This made it a favorite
with Luigi. By and by the widow said:
"Angelo, you are tired, you've overdone yourself; you go right to bed
after dinner, and get a good nap and a rest, then you'll be all right."
"Indeed, I would give anything if I could do that, madam."
"And what's to hender, I'd like to know? Land, the room's yours to do
what you please with! The idea that you can't do what you like with your
"But, you see, there's one prime essential--an essential of the very
first importance--which isn't my own."
"What is that?"
The old ladies looked puzzled, and Aunt Betsy Hale said:
"Why bless your heart, how is that?"
"It's my brother's."
"Your brother's! I don't quite understand. I supposed it belonged to
both of you."
"So it does. But not to both at the same time."
"That is mighty curious; I don't see how it can be. I shouldn't think it
could be managed that way."
"Oh, it's a good enough arrangement, and goes very well; in fact, it
wouldn't do to have it otherwise. I find that the teetotalers and the
anti-teetotalers hire the use of the same hall for their meetings. Both
parties don't use it at the same time, do they?"
"You bet they don't!" said both old ladies in a breath.
"And, moreover," said Aunt Betsy, "the Freethinkers and the Baptist Bible
class use the same room over the Market house, but you can take my word
for it they don't mush up together and use it at the same time.'
"Very well," said Angelo, "you understand it now. And it stands to
reason that the arrangement couldn't be improved. I'll prove it to you.
If our legs tried to obey two wills, how could we ever get anywhere?
I would start one way, Luigi would start another, at the same moment--
the result would be a standstill, wouldn't it?"
"As sure as you are born! Now ain't that wonderful! A body would never
have thought of it."
"We should always be arguing and fussing and disputing over the merest
trifles. We should lose worlds of time, for we couldn't go down-stairs
or up, couldn't go to bed, couldn't rise, couldn't wash, couldn't dress,
couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, couldn't even cross our legs,
without calling a meeting first and explaining the case and passing
resolutions, and getting consent. It wouldn't ever do--now would it?"
"Do? Why, it would wear a person out in a week! Did you ever hear
anything like it, Patsy Cooper?"
"Oh, you'll find there's more than one thing about them that ain't
commonplace," said the widow, with the complacent air of a person with a
property right in a novelty that is under admiring scrutiny.
"Well, now, how ever do you manage it? I don't mind saying I'm suffering
"He who made us," said Angelo reverently, "and with us this difficulty,
also provided a way out of it. By a mysterious law of our being, each of
us has utter and indisputable command of our body a week at a time, turn
and turn about."
"Well, I never! Now ain't that beautiful!"
"Yes, it is beautiful and infinitely wise and just. The week ends every
Saturday at midnight to the minute, to the second, to the last shade of
a fraction of a second, infallibly, unerringly, and in that instant the
one brother's power over the body vanishes and the other brother takes
possession, asleep or awake."
"How marvelous are His ways, and past finding out!"
Luigi said: "So exactly to the instant does the change come, that during
our stay in many of the great cities of the world, the public clocks were
regulated by it; and as hundreds of thousands of private clocks and
watches were set and corrected in accordance with the public clocks, we
really furnished the standard time for the entire city."
"Don't tell me that He don't do miracles any more! Blowing down the
walls of Jericho with rams' horns wa'n't as difficult, in my opinion."
"And that is not all," said Angelo. "A thing that is even more
marvelous, perhaps, is the fact that the change takes note of longitude
and fits itself to the meridian we are on. Luigi is in command this
week. Now, if on Saturday night at a moment before midnight we could fly
in an instant to a point fifteen degrees west of here, he would hold
possession of the power another hour, for the change observes local time
and no other."
Betsy Hale was deeply impressed, and said with solemnity:
"Patsy Cooper, for detail it lays over the Passage of the Red Sea."
"Now, I shouldn't go as far as that," said Aunt Patsy, "but if you've a
mind to say Sodom and Gomorrah, I am with you, Betsy Hale."
"I am agreeable, then, though I do think I was right, and I believe
Parson Maltby would say the same. Well, now, there's another thing.
Suppose one of you wants to borrow the legs a minute from the one that's
got them, could he let him?"
"Yes, but we hardly ever do that. There were disagreeable results,
several times, and so we very seldom ask or grant the privilege,
nowadays, and we never even think of such a thing unless the case is
extremely urgent. Besides, a week's possession at a time seems so little
that we can't bear to spare a minute of it. People who have the use of
their legs all the time never think of what a blessing it is, of course.
It never occurs to them; it's just their natural ordinary condition,
and so it does not excite them at all. But when I wake up, on Sunday
morning, and it's my week and I feel the power all through me, oh, such a
wave of exultation and thanksgiving goes surging over me, and I want to
shout 'I can walk! I can walk!' Madam, do you ever, at your uprising,
want to shout 'I can walk! I can walk!'?"
"No, you poor unfortunate cretur', but I'll never get out of my bed again
without doing it! Laws, to think I've had this unspeakable blessing all
my long life and never had the grace to thank the good Lord that gave it
Tears stood in the eyes of both the old ladies and the widow said,
"Betsy Hale, we have learned something, you and me."
The conversation now drifted wide, but by and by floated back once more
to that admired detail, the rigid and beautiful impartiality with which
the possession of power had been distributed, between the twins. Aunt
Betsy saw in it a far finer justice than human law exhibits in related
cases. She said:
"In my opinion it ain't right no, and never has been right, the way a
twin born a quarter of a minute sooner than the other one gets all the
land and grandeurs and nobilities in the old countries and his brother
has to go bare and be a nobody. Which of you was born first?"
Angelo's head was resting against Luigi's; weariness had overcome him,
and for the past five minutes he had been peacefully sleeping. The old
ladies had dropped their voices to a lulling drone, to help him to steal
the rest his brother wouldn't take him up-stairs to get. Luigi listened
a moment to Angelo's regular breathing, then said in a voice barely
"We were both born at the same time, but I am six months older than he
"For the land's sake!"
"'Sh! don't wake him up; he wouldn't like my telling this. It has
always been kept secret till now."
"But how in the world can it be? If you were both born at the same time,
how can one of you be older than the other?"
"It is very simple, and I assure you it is true. I was born with a full
crop of hair, he was as bald as an egg for six months. I could walk six
months before he could make a step. I finished teething six months ahead
of him. I began to take solids six months before he left the breast.
I began to talk six months before he could say a word. Last, and
absolutely unassailable proof, the sutures in my skull closed six months
ahead of his. Always just that six months' difference to a day. Was
that accident? Nobody is going to claim that, I'm sure. It was ordained
it was law it had its meaning, and we know what that meaning was. Now
what does this overwhelming body of evidence establish? It establishes
just one thing, and that thing it establishes beyond any peradventure
whatever. Friends, we would not have it known for the world, and I must
beg you to keep it strictly to yourselves, but the truth is, we are no
more twins than you are."
The two old ladies were stunned, paralyzed-petrified, one may almost say
--and could only sit and gaze vacantly at each other for some moments;
then Aunt Betsy Hale said impressively:
"There's no getting around proof like that. I do believe it's the most
amazing thing I ever heard of." She sat silent a moment or two and
breathing hard with excitement, then she looked up and surveyed the
strangers steadfastly a little while, and added: "Well, it does beat me,
but I would have took you for twins anywhere."
"So would I, so would I," said Aunt Patsy with the emphasis of a
certainty that is not impaired by any shade of doubt.
"Anybody would-anybody in the world, I don't care who he is," said Aunt
Betsy with decision.
"You won't tell," said Luigi, appealingly.
"Oh, dear, no!" answered both ladies promptly, "you can trust us, don't
you be afraid."
"That is good of you, and kind. Never let on; treat us always as if we
"You can depend on us," said Aunt Betsy, "but it won't be easy, because
now that I know you ain't you don't seem so."
Luigi muttered to himself with satisfaction: "That swindle has gone
through without change of cars."
It was not very kind of him to load the poor things up with a secret like
that, which would be always flying to their tongues' ends every time they
heard any one speak of the strangers as twins, and would become harder
and harder to hang on to with every recurrence of the temptation to tell
it, while the torture of retaining it would increase with every new
strain that was applied; but he never thought of that, and probably would
not have worried much about it if he had.
A visitor was announced--some one to see the twins. They withdrew to the
parlor, and the two old ladies began to discuss with interest the strange
things which they had been listening to. When they had finished the
matter to their satisfaction, and Aunt Betsy rose to go, she stopped to
ask a question:
"How does things come on between Roweny and Tom Driscoll?"
"Well, about the same. He writes tolerable often, and she answers
"Where is he?"
"In St. Louis, I believe, though he's such a gadabout that a body can't
be very certain of him, I reckon."
"Don't Roweny know?"
"Oh, yes, like enough. I haven't asked her lately."
"Do you know how him and the judge are getting along now?"
"First rate, I believe. Mrs. Pratt says so; and being right in the
house, and sister to the one and aunt to t'other, of course she ought to
know. She says the judge is real fond of him when he's away; but frets
when he's around and is vexed with his ways, and not sorry to have him go
again. He has been gone three weeks this time--a pleasant thing for both
of them, I reckon."
"Tom's rather harum-scarum, but there ain't anything bad in him, I
"Oh, no, he's just young, that's all. Still, twenty-three is old, in one
way. A young man ought to be earning his living by that time. If Tom
were doing that, or was even trying to do it, the judge would be a heap
better satisfied with him. Tom's always going to begin, but somehow he
can't seem to find just the opening he likes."
"Well, now, it's partly the judge's own fault. Promising the boy his
property wasn't the way to set him to earning a fortune of his own. But
what do you think is Roweny beginning to lean any toward him, or ain't
Aunt Patsy had a secret in her bosom; she wanted to keep it there, but
nature was too strong for her. She drew Aunt Betsy aside, and said in
her most confidential and mysterious manner:
"Don't you breathe a syllable to a soul--I'm going to tell you something.
In my opinion Tom Driscoll's chances were considerable better yesterday
than they are to-day."
"Patsy Cooper, what do you mean?"
"It's so, as sure as you're born. I wish you could 'a' been at breakfast
and seen for yourself."
"You don't mean it!"
"Well, if I'm any judge, there's a leaning--there's a leaning, sure."
"My land! Which one of 'em is it?"
"I can't say for certain, but I think it's the youngest one--Anjy."
Then there were hand-shakings, and congratulations, and hopes, and so on,
and the old ladies parted, perfectly happy--the one in knowing something
which the rest of the town didn't, and the other in having been the sole
person able to furnish that knowledge.
The visitor who had called to see the twins was the Rev. Mr. Hotchkiss,
pastor of the Baptist church. At the reception Angelo had told him he
had lately experienced a change in his religious views, and was now
desirous of becoming a Baptist, and would immediately join Mr.
Hotchkiss's church. There was no time to say more, and the brief talk
ended at that point. The minister was much gratified, and had dropped in
for a moment now, to invite the twins to attend his Bible class at eight
that evening. Angelo accepted, and was expecting Luigi to decline, but
he did not, because he knew that the Bible class and the Freethinkers met
in the same room, and he wanted to treat his brother to the embarrassment
of being caught in free-thinking company.
GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT
[A long and vigorous quarrel follows, between the twins. And there is
plenty to quarrel about, for Angelo was always seeking truth, and this
obliged him to change and improve his religion with frequency, which
wearied Luigi, and annoyed him too; for he had to be present at each new
enlistment--which placed him in the false position of seeming to indorse
and approve his brother's fickleness; moreover, he had to go to Angelo's
prohibition meetings, and he hated them. On the other hand, when it was
his week to command the legs he gave Angelo just cause of complaint, for
he took him to circuses and horse-races and fandangoes, exposing him to
all sorts of censure and criticism; and he drank, too; and whatever he
drank went to Angelo's head instead of his own and made him act
disgracefully. When the evening was come, the two attended the Free-
thinkers' meeting, where Angelo was sad and silent; then came the Bible
class and looked upon him coldly, finding him in such company. Then they
went to Wilson's house and Chapter XI of Pudd'nhead Wilson follows, which
tells of the girl seen in Tom Driscoll's room; and closes with the
kicking of Tom by Luigi at the anti-temperance mass-meeting of the Sons
of Liberty; with the addition of some account of Roxy's adventures as a
chamber-maid on a Mississippi boat. Her exchange of the children had
been flippantly and farcically described in an earlier chapter.]
Next morning all the town was a-buzz with great news; Pudd'nhead Wilson
had a law case! The, public astonishment was so great and the public
curiosity so intense, that when the justice of the peace opened his
court, the place was packed with people and even the windows were full.
Everybody was, flushed and perspiring; the summer heat was almost
Tom Driscoll had brought a charge of assault and battery against the
twins. Robert Allen was retained by Driscoll, David Wilson by the
defense. Tom, his native cheerfulness unannihilated by his back-breaking
and bone-bruising passage across the massed heads of the Sons of Liberty
the previous night, laughed his little customary laugh, and said to
"I've kept my promise, you see; I'm throwing my business your way.
Sooner than I was expecting, too."
"It's very good of you--particularly if you mean to keep it up."
"Well, I can't tell about that yet. But we'll see. If I find you
deserve it I'll take you under my protection and make your fame and
fortune for you."
"I'll try to deserve it, Tom."
A jury was sworn in; then Mr. Allen said:
"We will detain your honor but a moment with this case. It is not one
where any doubt of the fact of the assault can enter in. These
gentlemen--the accused--kicked my client at the Market Hall last night;
they kicked him with violence; with extraordinary violence; with even
unprecedented violence, I may say; insomuch that he was lifted entirely
off his feet and discharged into the midst of the audience. We can prove
this by four hundred witnesses--we shall call but three. Mr. Harkness
will take the stand."
Mr. Harkness, being sworn, testified that he was chairman upon the
occasion mentioned; that he was close at hand and saw the defendants in
this action kick the plaintiff into the air and saw him descend among the
"Take the witness," said Allen.
"Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, "you say you saw these gentlemen, my
clients, kick the plaintiff. Are you sure--and please remember that you
are on oath--are you perfectly sure that you saw both of them kick him,
or only one? Now be careful."
A bewildered look began to spread itself over the witness's face. He
hesitated, stammered, but got out nothing. His eyes wandered to the
twins and fixed themselves there with a vacant gaze.
"Please answer, Mr. Harkness, you are keeping the court waiting. It is
a very simple question."
Counsel for the prosecution broke in with impatience:
"Your honor, the question is an irrelevant triviality. Necessarily, they
both kicked him, for they have but the one pair of legs, and both are
responsible for them."
Wilson said, sarcastically:
"Will your honor permit this new witness to be sworn? He seems to
possess knowledge which can be of the utmost value just at this moment--
knowledge which would at once dispose of what every one must see is a
very difficult question in this case. Brother Allen, will you take the
"Go on with your case!" said Allen, petulantly. The audience laughed,
and got a warning from the court.
"Now, Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, insinuatingly, "we shall have to insist
upon an answer to that question."
"I--er--well, of course, I do not absolutely know, but in my opinion--"
"Never mind your opinion, sir--answer the question."
"I--why, I can't answer it."
"That will do, Mr. Harkness. Stand down."
The audience tittered, and the discomfited witness retired in a state of
Mr. Wakeman took the stand and swore that he saw the twins kick the
plaintiff off the platform.
The defense took the witness.
"Mr. Wakeman, you have sworn that you saw these gentlemen kick the
plaintiff. Do I understand you to swear that you saw them both do it?"
"Yes, sir,"--with derision.
"How do you know that both did it?"
"Because I saw them do it."
The audience laughed, and got another warning from the court.
"But by what means do you know that both, and not one, did it?"
"Well, in the first place, the insult was given to both of them equally,
for they were called a pair of scissors. Of course they would both want
to resent it, and so--"
"Wait! You are theorizing now. Stick to facts--counsel will attend to
the arguments. Go on."
"Well, they both went over there--that I saw."
"Very good. Go on."
"And they both kicked him--I swear to it."
"Mr. Wakeman, was Count Luigi, here, willing to join the Sons of Liberty
"Yes, sir, he was. He did join, too, and drank a glass or two of whisky,
like a man."
"Was his brother willing to join?"
"No, sir, he wasn't. He is a teetotaler, and was elected through a
"Was he given a glass of whisky?"
"Yes, sir, but of course that was another mistake, and not intentional.
He wouldn't drink it. He set it down." A slight pause, then he added,
casually and quite simply: "The plaintiff reached for it and hogged it."
There was a fine outburst of laughter, but as the justice was caught out
himself, his reprimand was not very vigorous.
Mr. Allen jumped up and exclaimed: "I protest against these foolish
irrelevancies. What have they to do with the case?"
Wilson said: "Calm yourself, brother, it was only an experiment. Now,
Mr. Wakeman, if one of these gentlemen chooses to join an association and
the other doesn't; and if one of them enjoys whisky and the other
doesn't, but sets it aside and leaves it unprotected" (titter from the
audience), "it seems to show that they have independent minds, and
tastes, and preferences, and that one of them is able to approve of a
thing at the very moment that the other is heartily disapproving of it.
Doesn't it seem so to you?"
"Certainly it does. It's perfectly plain."
"Now, then, it might be--I only say it might be--that one of these
brothers wanted to kick the plaintiff last night, and that the other
didn't want that humiliating punishment inflicted upon him in that public
way and before all those people. Isn't that possible?"
"Of course it is. It's more than possible. I don't believe the blond
one would kick anybody. It was the other one that--"
"Silence!" shouted the plaintiff's counsel, and went on with an angry
sentence which was lost in the wave of laughter that swept the house.
"That will do, Mr. Wakeman," said Wilson, "you may stand down."
The third witness was called. He had seen the twins kick the plaintiff.
Mr. Wilson took the witness.
"Mr. Rogers, you say you saw these accused gentlemen kick the plaintiff?"
"Both of them?"
"Which of them kicked him first?"
"Why--they--they both kicked him at the same time.
"Are you perfectly sure of that?"
"What makes you sure of it?"
"Why, I stood right behind them, and saw them do it."
"How many kicks were delivered?"
"If two men kick, the result should be two kicks, shouldn't it?"
"Why--why yes, as a rule."
"Then what do you think went with the other kick?"
"I--well--the fact is, I wasn't thinking of two being necessary, this
"What do you think now?"
"Well, I--I'm sure I don't quite know what to think, but I reckon that
one of them did half of the kick and the other one did the other half."
Somebody in the crowd sung out: "It's the first sane thing that any of
them has said."
The audience applauded. The judge said: "Silence! or I will clear the
Mr. Allen looked pleased, but Wilson did not seem disturbed. He said:
"Mr. Rogers, you have favored us with what you think and what you reckon,
but as thinking and reckoning are not evidence, I will now give you a
chance to come out with something positive, one way or the other, and
shall require you to produce it. I will ask the accused to stand up and
repeat the phenomenal kick of last night." The twins stood up. "Now,
Mr. Rogers, please stand behind them."
A Voice: "No, stand in front!" (Laughter. Silenced by the court.)
Another Voice: "No, give Tommy another highst!" (Laughter. Sharply
rebuked by the court.)
"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, two kicks shall be delivered, one after the
other, and I give you my word that at least one of the two shall be
delivered by one of the twins alone, without the slightest assistance
from his brother. Watch sharply, for you have of to render a decision
without any if's and ands it." Rogers bent himself behind the twins with
palms just above his knees, in the modern attitude of the catcher at a
baseball match, and riveted eyes on the pair of legs in front of him.
"Are you ready, Mr. Rogers?"
The kick, launched.
"Have you got that one classified, Mr. Rogers?"
"Let me study a minute, sir."
"Take as much time as you please. Let me know when you are ready."
For as much as a minute Rogers pondered, with all eyes and a breathless
interest fastened upon him. Then he gave the word: "Ready, sir."
The kick that followed was an exact duplicate of the first one.
"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, one of those kicks was an individual kick, not a
mutual one. You will now state positively which was the mutual one."
The witness said, with a crestfallen look:
"I've got to give it up. There ain't any man in the world that could
tell t'other from which, sir."
"Do you still assert that last night's kick was a mutual kick?"
"Indeed, I don't, sir."
"That will do, Mr. Rogers. If my brother Allen desires to address the
court, your honor, very well; but as far as I am concerned I am ready to
let the case be at once delivered into the hands of this intelligent jury
Mr. Justice Robinson had been in office only two months, and in that
short time had not had many cases to try, of course. He had no knowledge
of laws and courts except what he had picked up since he came into
office. He was a sore trouble to the lawyers, for his rulings were
pretty eccentric sometimes, and he stood by them with Roman simplicity
and fortitude; but the people were well satisfied with him, for they saw
that his intentions were always right, that he was entirely impartial,
and that he usually made up in good sense what he lacked in technique,
so to speak. He now perceived that there was likely to be a miscarriage
of justice here, and he rose to the occasion.
"Wait a moment, gentlemen," he said, "it is plain that an assault has
been committed it is plain to anybody; but the way things are going, the
guilty will certainly escape conviction. I can not allow this. Now---"
"But, your honor!" said Wilson, interrupting him, earnestly but
respectfully, "you are deciding the case yourself, whereas the jury--"
"Never mind the jury, Mr. Wilson; the jury will have a chance when there
is a reasonable doubt for them to take hold of--which there isn't,
so far. There is no doubt whatever that an assault has been committed.
The attempt to show that both of the accused committed it has failed.
Are they both to escape justice on that account? Not in this court,
if I can prevent it. It appears to have been a mistake to bring the
charge against them as a corporation; each should have been charged in
his capacity as an individual, and--"
"But, your honor!" said Wilson, "in fairness to my clients I must insist
that inasmuch as the prosecution 'd not separate the--"
"No wrong will be done your clients, sir--they will be protected;
also the public and the offended laws. Mr. Allen, you will amend your
pleadings, and put one of the accused on trial at a time."
Wilson broke in: "But, your honor! this is wholly unprecedented!
To imperil an accused person by arbitrarily altering and widening the
charge against him in order to compass his conviction when the charge as
originally brought promises to fail to convict, is a thing unheard of
"Unheard of where?"
"In the courts of this or any other state."
The judge said with dignity: "I am not acquainted with the customs of
other courts, and am not concerned to know what they are. I am
responsible for this court, and I cannot conscientiously allow my
judgment to be warped and my judicial liberty hampered by trying to
conform to the caprices of other courts, be they--"
"But, your honor, the oldest and highest courts in Europe--"
"This court is not run on the European plan, Mr. Wilson; it is not run on
any plan but its own. It has a plan of its own; and that plan is,
to find justice for both State and accused, no matter what happens to be
practice and custom in Europe or anywhere else." (Great applause.)
"Silence! It has not been the custom of this court to imitate other
courts; it has not been the custom of this court to take shelter behind
the decisions of other courts, and we will not begin now. We will do the
best we can by the light that God has given us, and while this 'court
continues to have His approval, it will remain indifferent to what other
organizations may think of it." (Applause.) "Gentlemen, I must have
order!--quiet yourselves! Mr. Allen, you will now proceed against the
prisoners one at a time. Go on with the case."
Allen was not at his ease. However, after whispering a moment with his
client and with one or two other people, he rose and said:
"Your honor, I find it to be reported and believed that the accused are
able to act independently in many ways, but that this independence does
not extend to their legs, authority over their legs being vested
exclusively in the one brother during a specific term of days, and then
passing to the other brother for a like term, and so on, by regular
alternation. I could call witnesses who would prove that the accused had
revealed to them the existence of this extraordinary fact, and had also
made known which of them was in possession of the legs yesterday--and
this would, of course, indicate where the guilt of the assault belongs--
but as this would be mere hearsay evidence, these revelations not having
been made under oath"
"Never mind about that, Mr. Allen. It may not all be hearsay. We shall
see. It may at least help to put us on the right track. Call the
"Then I will call Mr. John Buckstone, who is now present, and I beg that
Mrs. Patsy Cooper may be sent for. Take the stand, Mr. Buckstone."
Buckstone took the oath, and then testified that on the previous evening
the Count Angelo Capello had protested against going to the hall, and had
called all present to witness that he was going by compulsion and would
not go if he could help himself. Also, that the Count Luigi had replied
sharply that he would go, just the same, and that he, Count Luigi, would
see to that himself. Also, that upon Count Angelo's complaining about
being kept on his legs so long, Count Luigi retorted with apparent
surprise, "Your legs!--I like your impudence!"
"Now we are getting at the kernel of the thing," observed the judge, with
grave and earnest satisfaction. "It looks as if the Count Luigi was in
possession of the battery at the time of the assault."
Nothing further was elicited from Mr. Buckstone on direct examination.
Mr. Wilson took the witness.
"Mr. Buckstone, about what time was it that that conversation took
"Toward nine yesterday evening, sir."
"Did you then proceed directly to the hall?"
"How long did it take you to go there?"
"Well, we walked; and as it was from the extreme edge of the town, and
there was no hurry, I judge it took us about twenty minutes, maybe a
"About what hour was the kick delivered?"
"About thirteen minutes and a half to ten."
"Admirable! You are a pattern witness, Mr. Buckstone. How did you
happen to look at your watch at that particular moment?"
"I always do it when I see an assault. It's likely I shall be called as
a witness, and it's a good point to have."
"It would be well if others were as thoughtful. Was anything said,
between the conversation at my house and the assault, upon the detail
which we are now examining into?"
"If power over the mutual legs was in the possession of one brother at
nine, and passed into the possession of the other one during the next
thirty or forty minutes, do you think you could have detected the
"By no means!"
"That is all, Mr. Buckstone."
Mrs. Patsy Cooper was called. The crowd made way for her, and she came
smiling and bowing through the narrow human lane, with Betsy Hale, as
escort and support, smiling and bowing in her wake, the audience breaking
into welcoming cheers as the old favorites filed along. The judge did
not check this kindly demonstration of homage and affection, but let it
run its course unrebuked.
The old ladies stopped and shook hands with the twins with effusion, then
gave the judge a friendly nod, and bustled into the seats provided for
them. They immediately began to deliver a volley of eager questions at
the friends around them: "What is this thing for?" "What is that thing
for?" "Who is that young man that's writing at the desk? Why, I
declare, it's Jack Bunce! I thought he was sick." "Which is the jury?
Why, is that the jury? Billy Price and Job Turner, and Jack Lounsbury,
and--well, I never!" "Now who would ever 'a' thought--"
But they were gently called to order at this point, and asked not to talk
in court. Their tongues fell silent, but the radiant interest in their
faces remained, and their gratitude for the blessing of a new sensation
and a novel experience still beamed undimmed from their eyes. Aunt Patsy
stood up and took the oath, and Mr. Allen explained the point in issue,
and asked her to go on now, in her own way, and throw as much light upon
it as she could. She toyed with her reticule a moment or two, as if
considering where to begin, then she said:
"Well, the way of it is this. They are Luigi's legs a week at a time,
and then they are Angelo's, and he can do whatever he wants to with
"You are making a mistake, Aunt Patsy Cooper," said the judge. "You
shouldn't state that as a fact, because you don't know it to be a fact."
"What's the reason I don't?" said Aunt Patsy, bridling a little.
"What is the reason that you do know it?"
"The best in the world because they told me."
"That isn't a reason."
"Well, for the land's sake! Betsy Hale, do you hear that?"
"Hear it? I should think so," said Aunt Betsy, rising and facing the
court. "Why, Judge, I was there and heard it myself. Luigi says to
Angelo--no, it was Angelo said it to--"
"Come, come, Mrs. Hale, pray sit down, and--"
"Certainly, it's all right, I'm going to sit down presently, but not
"But you must sit down!"
"Must! Well, upon my word if things ain't getting to a pretty pass
The house broke into laughter, but was promptly brought to order, and
meantime Mr. Allen persuaded the old lady to take her seat. Aunt Patsy
"Yes, they told me that, and I know it's true. They're Luigi's legs this
"Ah, they told you that, did they?" said the Justice, with interest.
"Well, no, I don't know that they told me, but that's neither here nor
there. I know, without that, that at dinner yesterday, Angelo was as
tired as a dog, and yet Luigi wouldn't lend him the legs to go up-stairs
and take a nap with."
"Did he ask for them?"
"Let me see--it seems to me, somehow, that--that--Aunt Betsy, do you
remember whether he--"
"Never mind about what Aunt Betsy remembers--she is not a witness; we
only want to know what you remember yourself," said the judge.
"Well, it does seem to, me that you are most cantankerously particular
about a little thing, Sim Robinson. Why, when I can't remember a thing
myself, I always--"
"Ah, please go on!"
"Now how can she when you keep fussing at her all the time?" said Aunt
Betsy. "Why, with a person pecking at me that way, I should get that
fuzzled and fuddled that--"
She was on her feet again, but Allen coaxed her into her seat once more,
while the court squelched the mirth of the house. Then the judge said:
"Madam, do you know--do you absolutely know, independently of anything
these gentlemen have told you--that the power over their legs passes from
the one to the other regularly every week?"
"Regularly? Bless your heart, regularly ain't any name for the exactness
of it! All the big cities in Europe used to set the clocks by it."
(Laughter, suppressed by the court.)
"How do you know? That is the question. Please answer it plainly and
"Don't you talk to me like that, Sim Robinson--I won't have it. How do
I know, indeed! How do you know what you know? Because somebody told
you. You didn't invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these
twins are the truthfulest people in the world; and I don't think it
becomes you to sit up there and throw slurs at them when they haven't
been doing anything to you. And they are orphans besides--both of them.
But Aunt Betsy was up again now, and both old ladies were talking at once
and with all their might; but as the house was weltering in a storm of
laughter, and the judge was hammering his desk with an iron paper-weight,
one could only see them talk, not hear them. At last, when quiet was
restored, the court said:
"Let the ladies retire."
"But, your honor, I have the right, in the interest of my clients,--to
"You'll not need to exercise it, Mr. Wilson--the evidence is thrown out."
"Thrown out!" said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; "and what's it thrown out for,
I'd like to know."
"And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these
poor persecuted strangers, it is our bounden duty to stand up here and
talk for them till--"
"There, there, there, do sit down!"
It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into
their seats at last. The trial was soon ended now. The twins themselves
became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon
oath, that the leg-power passed from one to the other every Saturday
night at twelve o'clock sharp. But or cross-examination their counsel
would not allow them to tell whose week of power the current week was.
The judge insisted upon their answering, and proposed to compel them, but
even the prosecution took fright and came to the rescue then, and helped
stay the sturdy jurist's revolutionary hand. So the case had to go to
the jury with that important point hanging in the air. They were out an
hour and brought in this verdict:
"We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged;
2, that it was committed by one of the persons accused, he having been
seen to do it by several credible witnesses; 3, but that his identity is
so merged in his brother's that we have not been able to tell which was
him. We cannot convict both, for only one is guilty. We cannot acquit
both, for only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been
defeated by the dispensation of God, and ask to be discharged from
This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause.
The old ladies made a spring at the twins, to shake and congratulate, but
were gently disengaged by Mr. Wilson and softly crowded back into their
The judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silver-bowed
spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his fingers, and said, with
dignity and solemnity, and even with a certain pathos:
"In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen justice bow her head
in shame in this court until this day. You little realize what far-
reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of law.
Imitation is the bane of courts--I thank God that this one is free from
the contamination of that vice--and in no long time you will see the
fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate so-called guardians of
justice in all the wide circumstance of this planet and perpetuated in
their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this iniquity. I would
have compelled these culprits to expose their guilt, but support failed
me where I had most right to expect aid and encouragement. And I was
confronted by a law made in the interest of crime, which protects the
criminal from testifying against himself. Yet I had precedents of my own
whereby I had set aside that law on two different occasions and thus
succeeded in convicting criminals to whose crimes there were no witnesses
but themselves. What have you accomplished this day? Do you realize it?
You have set adrift, unadmonished, in this community, two men endowed
with an awful and mysterious gift, a hidden and grisly power for evil--
a power by which each in his turn may commit crime after crime of the
most heinous character, and no man be able to tell which is the guilty or
which the innocent party in any case of them all. Look to your homes
look to your property look to your lives for you have need!
"Prisoners at the bar, stand up. Through suppression of evidence, a jury
of your--our--countrymen have been obliged to deliver a verdict
concerning your case which stinks to heaven with the rankness of its
injustice. By its terms you, the guilty one, go free with the innocent.
Depart in peace, and come no more! The costs devolve upon the outraged
plaintiff--another iniquity. The court stands dissolved."
Almost everybody crowded forward to overwhelm the twins and their counsel
with congratulations; but presently the two old aunties dug the
duplicates out and bore them away in triumph through the hurrahing crowd,
while lots of new friends carried Pudd'nhead Wilson off tavernward to
feast him and "wet down" his great and victorious entry into the legal
arena. To Wilson, so long familiar with neglect and depreciation, this
strange new incense of popularity and admiration was as a fragrance blown
from the fields of paradise. A happy man was Wilson.
THE AMAZING DUEL
A deputation came in the evening and conferred upon Wilson the
welcome honor of a nomination for mayor; for the village has just
been converted into a city by charter. Tom skulks out of
challenging the twins. Judge Driscoll thereupon challenges Angelo
(accused by Tom of doing the kicking); he declines, but Luigi
accepts in his place against Angelo's timid protest.
It was late Saturday night nearing eleven.
The judge and his second found the rest of the war party at the further
end of the vacant ground, near the haunted house. Pudd'nhead Wilson
advanced to meet them, and said anxiously:
"I must say a word in behalf of my principal's proxy, Count Luigi, to
whom you have kindly granted the privilege of fighting my principal's
battle for him. It is growing late, and Count Luigi is in great trouble
lest midnight shall strike before the finish."
"It is another testimony," said Howard, approvingly. "That young man is
fine all through. He wishes to save his brother the sorrow of fighting
on the Sabbath, and he is right; it is the right and manly feeling and
does him credit. We will make all possible haste."
Wilson said: "There is also another reason--a consideration, in fact,
which deeply concerns Count Luigi himself. These twins have command of
their mutual legs turn about. Count Luigi is in command now; but at
midnight, possession will pass to my principal, Count Angelo, and--well,
you can foresee what will happen. He will march straight off the field,
and carry Luigi with him."
"Why! sure enough!" cried the judge, "we have heard something about that
extraordinary law of their being, already--nothing very definite, it is
true, as regards dates and durations of power, but I see it is definite
enough as regards to-night. Of course we must give Luigi every chance.
Omit all the ceremonial possible, gentlemen, and place us in position."
The seconds at once tossed up a coin; Howard won the choice. He placed
the judge sixty feet from the haunted house and facing it; Wilson placed
the twins within fifteen feet of the house and facing the judge--
necessarily. The pistol-case was opened and the long slim tubes taken
out; when the moonlight glinted from them a shiver went through Angelo.
The doctor was a fool, but a thoroughly well-meaning one, with a kind
heart and a sincere disposition to oblige, but along with it an absence
of tact which often hurt its effectiveness. He brought his box of lint
and bandages, and asked Angelo to feel and see how soft and comfortable
they were. Angelo's head fell over against Luigi's in a faint, and
precious time was lost in bringing him to; which provoked Luigi into
expressing his mind to the doctor with a good deal of vigor and
frankness. After Angelo came to he was still so weak that Luigi was
obliged to drink a stiff horn of brandy to brace him up.
The seconds now stepped at once to their posts, halfway between the
combatants, one of them on each side of the line of fire. Wilson was to
count, very deliberately, "One-two-three-fire!--stop!" and the duelists
could bang away at any time they chose during that recitation, but not
after the last word. Angelo grew very nervous when he saw Wilson's hand
rising slowly into the air as a sign to make ready, and he leaned his
head against Luigi's and said:
"Oh, please take me away from here, I can't stay, I know I can't!"
"What in the world are you doing? Straighten up! What's the matter with
you?--you're in no danger--nobody's going to shoot at you. Straighten
up, I tell you!"
Angelo obeyed, just in time to hear:
"Bang!" Just one report, and a little tuft of white hair floated slowly
to the judge's feet in the moonlight. The judge did not swerve; he still
stood erect and motionless, like a statue, with his pistol-arm hanging
straight down at his side. He was reserving his fire.
Up came the pistol-arm instantly-Angelo dodged with the report. He said
"Ouch!" and fainted again.
The doctor examined and bandaged the wound.
It was of no consequence, he said--bullet through fleshy part of arm--no
bones broken the gentleman was still able to fight let the duel proceed.
Next time Angelo jumped just as Luigi fired, which disordered his aim and
caused him to cut a chip off of Howard's ear. The judge took his time
again, and when he fired Angelo jumped and got a knuckle skinned. The
doctor inspected and dressed the wounds. Angelo now spoke out and said
he was content with the satisfaction he had got, and if the judge--but
Luigi shut him roughly up, and asked him not to make an ass of himself;
"And I want you to stop dodging. You take a great deal too prominent a
part in this thing for a person who has got nothing to do with it. You
should remember that you are here only by courtesy, and are without
official recognition; officially you are not here at all; officially you
do not even exist. To all intents and purposes you are absent from this
place, and you ought for your own modesty's sake to reflect that it
cannot become a person who is not present here to be taking this sort of
public and indecent prominence in a matter in which he is not in the
slightest degree concerned. Now, don't dodge again; the bullets are not
for you, they are for me; if I want them dodged I will attend to it
myself. I never saw a person act so."
Angelo saw the reasonableness of what his brother had said, and he did
try to reform, but it was of no use; both pistols went off at the same
instant, and he jumped once more; he got a sharp scrape along his cheek
from the judge's bullet, and so deflected Luigi's aim that his ball went
wide and chipped flake of skin from Pudd'nhead Wilson's chin. The doctor
attended to the wounded.
By the terms, the duel was over. But Luigi was entirely out of patience,
and begged for one exchange of shots, insisting that he had had no fair
chance, on account of his brother's indelicate behavior. Howard was
opposed to granting so unusual a privilege, but the judge took Luigi's
part, and added that indeed he himself might fairly be considered
entitled to another trial, because although the proxy on the other side
was in no way to blame for his (the judge's) humiliatingly resultless
work, the gentleman with whom he was fighting this duel was to blame for
it, since if he had played no advantages and had held his head still, his
proxy would have been disposed of early. He added:
"Count Luigi's request for another exchange is another proof that he is a
brave and chivalrous gentleman, and I beg that the courtesy he asks may
be accorded him."
"I thank you most sincerely for this generosity, Judge Driscoll," said
Luigi, with a polite bow, and moving to his place. Then he added to
Angelo, "Now hold your grip, hold your grip, I tell you, and I'll land
The men stood erect, their pistol-arms at their sides, the two seconds
stood at their official posts, the doctor stood five paces in Wilson's
rear with his instruments and bandages in his hands. The deep stillness,
the peaceful moonlight, the motionless figures, made an impressive
picture and the impending fatal possibilities augmented this
impressiveness solemnity. Wilson's hand began to rise--slowly--still
higher--still higher--in another moment:
"Boom!" the first stroke of midnight swung up out of the distance;
Angelo was off like a deer!
"Oh, you unspeakable traitor!" wailed his brother, as they went soaring
over the fence.
The others stood astonished and gazing; and so stood, watching that
strange spectacle until distance dissolved it and swept it from their
view. Then they rubbed their eyes like people waking out of a dream,
"Well, I've never seen anything like that before!" said the judge.
"Wilson, I am going to confess now, that I wasn't quite able to believe
in that leg business, and had a suspicion that it was a put-up
convenience between those twins; and when Count Angelo fainted I thought
I saw the whole scheme--thought it was pretext No. 2, and would be
followed by others till twelve o'clock should arrive, and Luigi would get
off with all the credit of seeming to want to fight and yet not have to
fight, after all. But I was mistaken. His pluck proved it. He's a
brave fellow and did want to fight."
"There isn't any doubt about that," said Howard, and added, in a grieved
tone, "but what an unworthy sort of Christian that Angelo is--I hope and
believe there are not many like him. It is not right to engage in a duel
on the Sabbath--I could not approve of that myself; but to finish one
that has been begun--that is a duty, let the day be what it may."
They strolled along, still wondering, still talking.
"It is a curious circumstance, "remarked the surgeon, halting Wilson a
moment to paste so more court-plaster on his chin, which had gone to
leaking blood again, "that in this duel neither of the parties who
handled the pistols lost blood while nearly all the persons present in
the mere capacity of guests got hit. I have not heard of such a thing
before. Don't you think it unusual?"
"Yes," said the Judge, "it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and
unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time. In the case of Angelo
it made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned,
though not officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised,
and yet I knew no way to mend the matter.
"There was no way to mend it," said Howard, whose ear was being
readjusted now by the doctor; "the code fixes our place, and it would not
have been lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your side, or
behind you, or in front of you, it--but it would not have been legitimate
and the other parties would have had a just right to complain of our
trying to protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code are
certainly not permissible in any case whatever."
Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little
place here for so much solemnity, but he judged that if a duel where
nobody was in danger or got crippled but the seconds and the outsiders
had nothing ridiculous about it for these gentlemen, his pointing out
that feature would probably not help them to see it.
He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the judge accepted,
but the doctor said he would have to go and see how Angelo's principal
wound was getting on.
[It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received
into the Baptist communion by immersion--a doubtful prospect, the
LUIGI DEFIES GALEN
When the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the lights
going and everybody up and dressed and in a great state of solicitude and
excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the sitting-room, Aunt
Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying around under her
commands, the two young boys were trying to keep out of the way and
always getting in it, in order to see and wonder, Rowena stood apart,
helpless with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was growling in
unappeasable fury over Angelo's shameful flight.
As has been reported before, the doctor was a fool--a kind-hearted and
well-meaning one, but with no tact; and as he was by long odds the most
learned physician in the town, and was quite well aware of it, and could
talk his learning with ease and precision, and liked to show off when he
had an audience, he was sometimes tempted into revealing more of a case
than was good for the patient.
He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for
once; but Aunt Patsy was so anxious and so pressing that he allowed his
caution to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with
"Without going too much into detail, madam--for you would probably not
understand it, anyway--I concede that great care is going to be necessary
here; otherwise exudation of the esophagus is nearly sure to ensue, and
this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the maxillaris
superioris, which must decompose the granular surfaces of the great
infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the
posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated
sorosis of the valvular tissues, and ending unavoidably in the dispersion
and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the consequent embrocation of
the bicuspid populo redax referendum rotulorum."
A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of
despair invaded her face, she was not able to speak; poor Rowena wrung
her hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness
of her young grief, "There is no hope--it is plain there is no hope"; the
good-hearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to chocolate, then to orange, then
to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, "Po'
thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' dat"; small Henry choked
up, and turned his head away to hide his rising tears, and his brother
Joe said to himself, with a sense of loss, "The baptizing's busted,
that's sure." Luigi was the only person who had any heart to speak. He
said, a little bit sharply, to the doctor:
"Well, well, there's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time; give
him a barrel of pills--I'll take them for him."
"You?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Did you suppose he was going to take them himself?"
"Why, of course."
"Well, it's a mistake. He never took a dose of medicine in his life. He
"Well, upon my word, it's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of!"
"Oh," said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being
admired and wondered at; "you'll find that there's more about them that's
wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the rest of
His creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you," and she wagged
her complacent head like one who could reveal marvelous things if she
The boy Joe began:
"Why, ma, they ain't made in the im--"
"You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I
want help. Are you looking for something, doctor?"
The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would
write a prescription; which he did. It was one of Galen's; in fact, it
was Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand
years. Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it
would remove everything, from warts all the way through to lungs and it
generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized in
Missouri; his practice was the only practice known to the Missouri
doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition they carried when
they went out for game.
By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his
labors aloud, carefully and deliberately, for this battery must be
constructed on the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur;
for he wrote a doctor's hand the hand which from the beginning of time
has been so disastrous to the apothecary and so profitable to the
"Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half:
of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian
leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, gum
tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, Celtic, nard, spignel,
hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes,
rheum ponticum, alipta, moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, opoponax,
anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, red and
white hermodactyls, roses, thyme, acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, the bark
of the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop's-weed, bayberries,
long and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, macedonian, parsley
seeds, lovage, the seeds of rue, and sinon, of each a dram and a half; of
pure gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the blatta byzantina, the
bone of the stag's heart, of each the quantity of fourteen grains of
wheat; of sapphire, emerald and jasper stones, each one dram; of hazel-
nuts, two drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings of ivory, calamus
odoratus, each the quantity of twenty-nine grains of wheat; of honey or
sugar a sufficient quantity. Boil down and skim off."
"There," he said, "that will fix the patient; give his brother a
dipperful every three-quarters of an hour--"
"--while he survives," muttered Luigi--
"--and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and
windows closed tight. Keep Count Angelo nicely covered up with six or
seven blankets, and when he is thirsty--which will be frequently--moisten
a 'rag in the vapor of the tea kettle and let his brother suck it. When
he is hungry--which will also be frequently he must not be humored
oftener than every seven or eight hours; then toast part of a cracker
until it begins to brown, and give it to his brother."
"That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned," said Luigi, "but
what am I to eat?"
"I do not see that there is anything the matter with you," the doctor
answered, "you may, of course, eat what you please."
"And also drink what I please, I suppose?"
"Oh, certainly--at present. When the violent and continuous perspiring
has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of course,
and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile." He
turned to Aunt Patsy and said: "He must be put to bed, and sat up with,
and tended with the greatest care, and not allowed to stir for several
days and nights."
"For one, I'm sacredly thankful for that," said Luigi, "it postpones the
funeral--I'm not to be drowned to-day, anyhow."
Angelo said quietly to the doctor:
"I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two
o'clock this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be
confined to the house during that intermediate hour."
"Why, may I ask?"
"Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to
be baptised in the river at that hour."
"Oh, insanity!--it cannot be allowed!"
Angelo answered with placid firmness:
"Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive."
"Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal."
A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke forth
in a tone of joyous fervency:
"Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause--it would be
"But your brother--consider your brother; you would be risking his life,
"He risked mine an hour ago," responded Angelo, gloomily; "did he
consider me?" A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder.
"If I had not run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath day,
and my soul would have been lost--lost."
"Oh, don't fret, it wasn't in any danger," said Luigi, irritably; "they
wouldn't waste it for a little thing like that; there's a glass case all
ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with."
Aunt Patsy was shocked, and said:
"Looy, Looy!--don't talk so, dear!"
Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she
murmured to herself, "Oh, if I but had the dear privilege of protecting
and defending him with my weak voice!--but alas! this sweet boon is
denied me by the cruel conventions of social intercourse."
"Get their bed ready," said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, "and shut up the windows
and doors, and light their candles, and see that you drive all the
mosquitoes out of their bar, and make up a good fire in their stove, and
carry up some bags of hot ashes to lay to his feet--"
"--and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his neck,
and some gum shoes for his ears," Luigi interrupted, with temper; and
added, to himself, "Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just know
"Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body
would think you didn't care for your brother."
"I don't--to that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was
postponed a minute ago, but I'm not now. No, that is all gone by; I want
to be drowned."
"You'll bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you go
on like that. Why, I never heard the beat of it. Now, there--there!
you've said enough. Not another word out of you--I won't have it!"
"But, Aunt Patsy--"
"Luigi! Didn't you hear what I told you?"
"But, Aunt Patsy, I--why, I'm not going to set my heart and lungs afloat
in that pail of sewage which this criminal here has been prescri--"
"Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell
you, like a dear," and she tapped his cheek affectionately with her
finger. "Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up
the things and lay them out for me. I'll sit up with my patient the rest
of the night, doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she couldn't make Luigi take
the medicine. Of course, you'll drop in again during the day. Have you
got any more directions?"
"No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I'll be along
by early candle-light, anyway. Meantime, don't allow him to get out of
Angelo said, with calm determination:
"I shall be baptized at two o'clock. Nothing but death shall prevent
The doctor said nothing aloud, but to himself he said:
"Why, this chap's got a manly side, after all! Physically he's a coward,
but morally he's a lion. I'll go and tell the others about this; it will
raise him a good deal in their estimation--and the public will follow
their lead, of course."
Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage in
the moral field as she was of Luigi's in the field of honor.
The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and
gratefully, "We're all honky, after all; and no postponement on account
of the weather."
BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF
By nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel,
and there were but two opinions about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in the
field was most praiseworthy and Angela's flight most scandalous; the
other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake was
as fine and creditable as was Luigi's in holding the field in the face of
the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the other one
was maintained by the other half. The division was clean and exact, and
it made two parties, an Angela party and a Luigi party. The twins had
suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, and haloed
with a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel all the way
to Sunday-school, their elders talked it all the way to church, the choir
discussed it behind their red curtain, it usurped the place of pious
thought in the "nigger gallery."
By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo,
in spite of his wound and all warnings and supplications, was resolute in
his determination to be baptized at the hour appointed. This swept the
town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusiasm of the Angelo
faction, who said, "If any doubted that it was moral courage that took
him from the field, what have they to say now!"
Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countryward,
toward all points of the compass; so, whereas before only the farmers and
their wives were intending to come and witness the remarkable baptism,
a general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and negroes
admitted to the privileges of the occasion. All the farms for ten miles
around were vacated, all the converging roads emptied long processions of
wagons, horses, and yeomanry into the town. The pack and cram of people
vastly exceeded any that had ever been seen in that sleepy region before.
The only thing that had ever even approached it, was the time long gone
by, but never forgotten, nor even referred to without wonder and pride,
when two circuses and a Fourth of July fell together. But the glory of
that occasion was extinguished now for good. It was but a freshet to
The great invasion massed itself on the river-bank and waited hungrily
for the immense event. Waited, and wondered if it would really happen,
or if the twin who was not a "professor" would stand out and prevent it.
But they were not to be disappointed. Angela was as good as his word.
He came attended by an escort of honor composed of several hundred of the
best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was
finished they escorted him back home and would even have carried him on
their shoulders, but that people might think they were carrying Luigi.
Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the
strangely mated pair of incidents that had distinguished and exalted the
past twenty-four hours above any other twenty-four in the history of
their town for picturesqueness and splendid interest; and long before the
lights were out and burghers asleep it had been decided on all hands that
in capturing these twins Dawson's Landing had drawn a prize in the great
lottery of municipal fortune.
At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed
him, it had merely made him wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead
asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he had got
only brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every
three-quarters of an hour-and Aunt Betsy Hale was there to see that he
did it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with him,
and said in a low voice:
"No-no, that won't do; you mustn't talk, and you mustn't retch and gag
that way, either--you'll wake up your poor brother."
"Well, what of it, Aunt Betsy, he--"
"'Sh-h! Don't make a noise, dear. You mustn't: forget that your poor
brother is sick and--"
"Sick, is he? Well, I wish I--"
"'Sh-h-h! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of it--
don't keep me holding the dipper all night. I declare if you haven't
left a good fourth of it in the bottom! Come-that's a good--
"Aunt Betsy, don't make me! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do,
indeed. Do let me rest a little--just a little; I can't take any more of
the devilish stuff now."
"Luigi! Using such language here, and him just baptized! Do you want
the roof to fall on you?"
"I wish to goodness it would!"
"Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion to--let that blanket alone;
do you want your, brother to catch his death?"
"Aunt Betsy, I've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody
could stand it--you couldn't yourself."
"Now, then, you're sneezing again--I just expected it."
"Because I've caught a cold in my head. I always do, when I go in the
water with my clothes on. And it takes me weeks to get over it, too.
I think it was a shame to serve me so."
"Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they couldn't baptize
him dry. I should think you would be willing to undergo a little
inconvenience for your brother's sake."
"Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as
anything to getting drowned you saw that yourself; and do you call this
inconvenience?--the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the
mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for
sleep and no chance to get any--on account of this infamous medicine that
that assassin prescri--"
"There, you're sneezing again. I'm going down and mix some more of this
truck for you, dear."
THE DRINKLESS DRUNK
During Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but
then the doctor was summoned South to attend his mother's funeral, and
they got well in forty-eight hours. They appeared on the street on
Friday, and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new-born parties, the
Luigi and Angelo factions. The Luigi faction carried its strength into
the Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination with
the Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city
government, and the Whigs put up Angelo against him. The Democrats
nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in this
glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists
against such a formidable opponent. No politician had scored such a
compliment as this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley.
The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm
fashion, and waned hotter every week. Luigi's whole heart was in it,
and even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interest-which was
natural, because he was not merely representing Whigism, a matter of no
consequence to him; but he was representing something immensely finer and
greater--to wit, Reform. In him was centered the hopes of the whole
reform element of the town; he was the chosen and admired champion of
every clique that had a pet reform of any sort or kind at heart. He was
president of the great Teetotalers' Union, its chiefest prophet and
But as the canvass went on, troubles began to spring up all around--
troubles for the twins, and through them for all the parties and segments
and factions of parties. Whenever Luigi had possession of the legs, he
carried Angelo to balls, rum shops, Sons of Liberty parades, horse-
races, campaign riots, and everywhere else that could damage him with his
party and the church; and when it was Angelo's week he carried Luigi
diligently to all manner of moral and religious gatherings, doing his
best to regain the ground he had lost before. As a result of these
double performances, there was a storm blowing all the time, an ever-
rising storm, too--a storm of frantic criticism of the twins, and rage
over their extravagant, incomprehensible conduct.
Luigi had the final chance. The legs were his for the closing week of
the canvass. He led his brother a fearful dance.
But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election. There was
to be a grand turnout of the Teetotalers' Union that day, and Angelo was
to march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration
afterward. Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whisky--which steadied his
nerves and clarified his mind, but made Angelo drunk. Everybody who saw
the march, saw that the Champion of the Teetotalers was half seas over,
and noted also that his brother, who made no hypocritical pretensions to
extra temperance virtues, was dignified and sober. This eloquent fact
could not be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass. At the
mass-meeting Angelo tried to make his great temperance oration, but was
so discommoded--by hiccoughs and thickness of tongue that he had to give
it up; then drowsiness overtook him and his head drooped against Luigi's
and he went to sleep. Luigi apologized for him, and was going on to
improve his opportunity with an appeal for a moderation of what he called
"the prevailing teetotal madness," but persons in the audience began to
howl and throw things at him, and then the meeting rose in wrath and
chased him home.
This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way. It destroyed his
chances with Rowena. Those chances had been growing, right along, for
two months. Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him, but wanted
time to consider. Now the tender dream was ended, and she told him so
the moment he was sober enough to understand. She said she would never
marry a man who drank.
"But I don't drink," he pleaded.
"That is nothing to the point," she said, coldly, "you get drunk, and
that is worse."
[There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here, which ended
as reported in a previous note.]
SO THEY HANGED LUIGI
Dawson's Landing had a week of repose, after the election, and it needed
it, for the frantic and variegated nightmare which had tormented it all
through the preceding week had left it limp, haggard, and exhausted at
the end. It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs, and was
in too subdued a condition to want to go out and mingle with an irritated
community that had come to disgust and detest him because there was such
a lack of harmony between his morals, which were confessedly excellent,
and his methods of illustrating them, which were distinctly damnable.
The new city officers were sworn in on the following Monday--at least all
but Luigi. There was a complication in his case. His election was
conceded, but he could not sit in the board of aldermen without his
brother, and his brother could not sit there because he was not a member.
There seemed to be no way out of the difficulty but to carry the matter
into the courts, so this was resolved upon.
The case was set for the Monday fortnight. In due course the time
arrived. In the mean time the city government had been at a standstill,
because with out Luigi there was a tie in the board of aldermen, whereas
with him the liquor interest--the richest in the political field--would
have one majority. But the court decided that Angelo could not sit in
the board with him, either in public or executive sessions, and at the
same time forbade the board to deny admission to Luigi, a fairly and
legally chosen alderman. The case was carried up and up from court to
court, yet still the same old original decision was confirmed every time.
As a result, the city government not only stood still, with its hands
tied, but everything it was created to protect and care for went a steady
gait toward rack and ruin. There was no way to levy a tax, so the minor
officials had to resign or starve; therefore they resigned. There being
no city money, the enormous legal expenses on both sides had to be
defrayed by private subscription. But at last the people came to their
senses, and said:
"Pudd'nhead was right at the start--we ought to have hired the official
half of that human phillipene to resign; but it's too late now; some of
us haven't got anything left to hire him with."
"Yes, we have," said another citizen, "we've got this"--and he produced a
Many shouted: "That's the ticket." But others said: "No--Count Angelo is
innocent; we mustn't hang him."
"Who said anything about hanging him? We are only going to hang the
"Then that is all right--there is no objection to that."
So they hanged Luigi. And so ends the history of "Those Extraordinary
As you see, it was an extravagant sort of a tale, and had no purpose but
to exhibit that monstrous "freak" in all sorts of grotesque lights. But
when Roxy wandered into the tale she had to be furnished with something
to do; so she changed the children in the cradle; this necessitated the
invention of a reason for it; this, in turn, resulted in making the
children prominent personages--nothing could prevent it of course. Their
career began to take a tragic aspect, and some one had to be brought in
to help work the machinery; so Pudd'nhead Wilson was introduced and taken
on trial. By this time the whole show was being run by the new people
and in their interest, and the original show was become side-tracked and
forgotten; the twin-monster, and the heroine, and the lads, and the old
ladies had dwindled to inconsequentialities and were merely in the way.
Their story was one story, the new people's story was another story, and
there was no connection between them, no interdependence, no kinship.
It is not practicable or rational to try to tell two stories at the same
time; so I dug out the farce and left the tragedy.
The reader already knew how the expert works; he knows now how the other
kind do it.
Back to Full Books