Toaster's Handbook
by
Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers
Part 11 out of 14
Mrs. Dash.
A little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched his
father under the knee. "Willie, you bad boy! How dare you do that?"
asked the parent wrathfully.
A pause. Then Willie answered between sobs: "Well, Father, who started
this war, anyway?"
A little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to sit
on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room, as a punishment
for something she had done but a few minutes before.
Soon the silence was broken by the little one's question: "Mother, may
I come down now?"
"No, you sit right where you are."
"All right, 'cause I'm sittin' on your best hat."
It is less to suffer punishment than to deserve it.--_Ovid_.
If Jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned, he would
soon be out of thunderbolts.--_Ovid_.
_See also_ Church discipline; Future life; Marriage.
PUNS
A father once said to his son,
"The next time you make up a pun,
Go out in the yard
And kick yourself hard,
And I will begin when you've done."
PURE FOOD
Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky
complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good.
"The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper.
"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. "Dat ham's shore bad."
"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only a
week?"
The darky scratched his head reflectively, and finally suggested: "Den,
mebbe it's had a relapse."
On a recent trip to Germany, Doctor Harvey Wiley, the pure-food expert,
heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food adulteration
which, he contends, should cause Americans to congratulate themselves
that things are so well ordered in this respect in the United States.
The German allegory was substantially as follows:
Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry, determined
to have a feast.
One flew to the sugar and ate heartily; but soon died, for the sugar was
full of white lead.
The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better, for the
flour was loaded with plaster of Paris.
The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently raised in
the air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes.
The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end his life
also, and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in a convenient
saucer.
He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was adulterated.
QUARRELS
"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be
cook.
"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master an'
the missus used to quarrel, mum."
"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?"
"Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."
"I hear ye had words with Casey."
"We had no words."
"Then nothing passed between ye?"
"Nothing but one brick."
There had been a wordy falling-out between Mrs. Halloran and Mrs.
Donohue; there had been words; nay, more, there had been language. Mrs.
Halloran had gone to church early in the morning, had fulfilled the
duties of her religion, and was returning primly home, when Mrs. Donohue
spied her, and, still smouldering with volcanic fire, sent a broadside
of lava at Mrs. Halloran. The latter heard, flushed, opened her
lips--and then suddenly checked herself. After a moment she spoke: "Mrs.
Donohue, I've just been to church, and I'm in a state of grace. But,
plaze Hivin, the next time I meet yez, I won't be, and thin I'll till
yez what I think of yez!"
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party: there is no
battle unless there be two.--_Seneca_.
_See also_ Marriage; Servants
QUESTIONS
The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she
remembers.--_Wasp_.
It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty
train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one. The ensuing
handicap was watched with absorbed interest both from the train and the
station platform. At its conclusion the breathless and perspiring knight
of the road wearily took the back trail, and a vacant-faced "red-cap"
came out to relieve him of his grip.
"Mister," he inquired, "was you tryin' to ketch that Pennsylvania
train?"
"No, my son," replied the patient man. "No; I was merely chasing it out
of the yard."
A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions they
made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he could not
answer himself had to do the cooking.
One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: "Why
is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its
burrow?"
They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself.
"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other end of the
hole."
"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the hole?"
"Well," was the reply, "that's your question."
A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a certain
question either in the negative or affirmative.
"I cannot do it," said the witness. "There are some questions that
cannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no,' as any one knows."
"I defy you to give an example to the court," thundered the lawyer.
The retort came like a flash: "Are you still beating your wife?"
Officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of their duty,
but there are occasions when it seems as if they might curtail or forego
the privilege. Not long ago an Irishman whose hand had been badly
mangled in an accident entered the Boston City Hospital relief station
in a great hurry. He stepped up to the man in charge and inquired:
"Is this the relief station, sor?"
"Yes. What is your name?"
"Patrick O'Connor, sor."
"Are you married?" questioned the officer.
"Yis, sor, but is this the relief station?" He was nursing his hand in
agony.
"Of course it is. How many children have you?"
"Eight, sor. But sure, this is the relief station?"
"Yes, it is," replied the officer, a little angry at the man's
persistence.
"Well," said Patrick, "sure, an' I was beginning to think that it might
be the pumping station."
The sages say, Dame Truth delights to dwell
(Strange Mansion!) in the bottom of a well:
Questions are then the Windlass and the rope
That pull the grave old Gentlewoman up.
--_John Wolcott_.
_See also_ Curiosity.
QUOTATIONS
Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be
anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the
result. The boy sent the following message to his parent: "Hymn 342,
fifth verse, last two lines."
Looking it up the father found the words: "Sorrow vanquished, labor
ended, Jordan passed."
RACE PREJUDICES
A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the
recital of a dream had by a member of the church.
"I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I was in ole
Satan's dominions. I tell you, pahson, dat was shore a bad dream!"
"Was dere any white men dere?" asked the dusky divine.
"Shore dere was--plenty of 'em," the other hastened to assure his
minister "What was dey a-doin'?"
"Ebery one of 'em," was the answer, "was a-holdin' a cullud pusson
between him an' de fire!"
RACE PRIDE
Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville,
Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an
old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the
pulpit platform. Sam took the perspiring black hand that was held out to
him, and heard the old woman say: "Brudder Jones, you sho' is a fine
preacher! Yes, suh; de Lord bless you. You's des everybody's preacher.
You's de white folks' preacher, and de niggers' preacher, and
everybody's preacher. Brudder Jones, yo' skin's white, but, thank de
Lord, yo' heart's des as black as any nigger's!"
An Irishman and a Jew were discussing the great men who had belonged to
each race and, as may be expected, got into a heated argument. Finally
the Irishman said:
"Ikey, listen. For ivery great Jew ye can name ye may pull out one of me
whiskers, an' for ivery great Irishman I can name I'll pull one of
yours. Is it a go?"
They consented, and Pat reached over, got hold of a whisker, said,
"Robert Emmet,' and pulled.
"Moses!" said the Jew, and pulled one of Pat's tenderest.
"Dan O'Connell," said Pat and took another.
"Abraham," said Ikey, helping himself again.
"Patrick Henry," returned Pat with a vicious yank.
"The Twelve Apostles," said the Jew, taking a handful of whiskers.
Pat emitted a roar of pain, grasped the Jew's beard with both hands, and
yelled, "The ancient Order of Hibernians!"
RACE SUICIDE
"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?"
"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a
flat."
"Well, that is his privilege."
"But, your Honor, he calls his apartment house 'The Roosevelt.'"
RACES
In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a
Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile,
the mile, and the three miles."
"Now, Thomas," said the foreman of the construction gang to a green hand
who had just been put on the job, "keep your eyes open. When you see a
train coming throw down your tools and jump off the track. Run like
blazes."
"Sure!" said Thomas, and began to swing his pick. In a few moments the
Empire State Express came whirling along. Thomas threw down his pick and
started up the track ahead of the train as fast as he could run. The
train overtook him and tossed him into a ditch. Badly shaken up he was
taken to the hospital, where the foreman visited him.
"You blithering idiot," said the foreman, "didn't I tell you to get out
of the road? Didn't I tell you to take care and get out of the way? Why
didn't you run up the side of the hill?"
"Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?" said Thomas through the bandages
on his face. "Up the soide of the hill? Be the powers, I couldn't bate
it on the level, let alone runnin' uphill!"
RAILROADS
"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look
at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem
folks 'way up North what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a
dispensation!"
On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that is
commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in America.
It is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer was
expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one of his hands,
a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the house, loaded
it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he met a man in
uniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap.
"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.
"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.
"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's the
station!"
"I read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their members by
a band of robbers in Mississippi last week."
"What did they do? Shoot him?"
"No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks."
"Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose?"
"Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for the next
train."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_.
The reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene of the
wreck, hurried down the embankment and found a man who had one arm in a
sling, a bandage over one eye, his front teeth gone, and his nose
knocked four points to starboard, sitting on a piece of the locomotive
and surveying the horrible ruin all about him.
"Can you give me some particulars of this accident?" asked the reporter,
taking out his notebook.
"I haven't heard of any accident, young man," replied the disfigured
party stiffly.
He was one of the directors of the railroad.
The Hon. John Sharp Williams had an engagement to speak in a small
southern town. The train he was traveling on was not of the swiftest,
and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor informed as to his
opinions of that particular road.
"Well, if yer don't like it," the conductor finally blurted out, "why in
thunder don't yer git out an' walk?"
"I would," Mr. Williams blandly replied, "but you see the committee
doesn't expect me until this train gets in."
"We were bounding along," said a recent traveler on a local South
African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour,
and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to see
my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from one
end of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat.
Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least, I could keep my hat
on, and my teeth didn't chatter.
"There was a quiet looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastly
smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:
"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'
"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now.'"
Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent train
service each had in his special locality: one was from the west, one
from New England, and the other from New York. The former two had told
of marvelous doings of trains, and it is distinctly "up" to the man from
New York.
"Now in New York," he said, "we not only run our trains fast, but we
also start them fast. I remember the case of a friend of mine whose wife
went to see him off for the west on the Pennsylvania at Jersey City. As
the train was about to start my friend said his final good-by to his
wife, and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her. The train
started, and, would you believe it, my friend found himself kissing a
strange woman on the platform at Trenton!"
And the other men gave it up.
"Say, young man," asked an old lady at the ticket-office, "what time
does the next train pull in here and how long does it stay?"
"From two to two to two-two," was the curt reply.
"Well, I declare! Be you the whistle?"
An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a wild and
awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a sudden it stopped
altogether. Most of the passengers did not notice the difference; but
one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to reach his destination
before old age claimed him for its own. He put his head through the
window to find that the cause of the stop was a cow on the track. After
a while they continued the journey for half an hour or so, and
then--another stop.
"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the conductor.
"A cow on the track."
"But I thought you drove it off."
"So we did," said the conductor, "but we caught up with it again."
The president of one great southern railway pulled into a southern city
in his private car. It was also the terminal of a competing road, and
the private car of the president of the other line was on a side track.
There was great rivalry between these two lines, which extended from the
president of each down to the most humble employe. In the evening the
colored cook from one of the cars wandered over to pass the time of day
with the cook on the other car.
One of these roads had recently had an appalling list of accidents, and
the death-toll was exceptionally high. The cook from this road sauntered
up to the back platform of the private car, and after an interchange of
courtesies said:
"Well, how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days? Am you habbing
prosper's times?"
"Man," said the other, "we-all am so prosperous that if we was any moah
prosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit."
"Hough!" said the other, "we-all am moah prosperous than you-all."
"Man," said the other, "we dun carry moah'n a million passengers last
month."
"Foah de Lord's sake!" ejaculated the first negro. "You-all carried
moah'n a million passengers? Go on with you, nigger; we dun kill moah
passengers than you carry."
It was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the New
England woman ventured to refer to the high rates.
"It seems to me five cents a mile is extortion," she said, with
frankness, to her southern cousin.
"It's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile," said
the southerner, in her soft drawl; "but you just think how cheap it is
by the hour, Cousin Annie--only about thirty-five cents."--_Youth's
Companion_.
RAPID TRANSIT
One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking
down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice under the
snow caused him to lose control of his feet; he began to slide and was
unable to stop.
At a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a large,
heavy woman, with her arms full of bundles. The meeting was sudden, and
before either realized it a collision ensued and both were sliding down
hill, a grand ensemble--the thin man underneath, the fat woman and
bundles on top. When the bottom was reached and the woman was trying in
vain to recover her breath and her feet, these faint words were borne to
her ear:
"Pardon me, madam, but you will have to get off here. This is as far as
I go."
READING
_See_ Books and Reading.
REAL ESTATE AGENTS
Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib."
ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie."
NELLY--"No, it is not."
ANITA--"Yes, it is, because my father said so, and my father is a
professor at the university."
NELLY--"I don't care if he is. My father is a real estate man, and he
knows more about lying than your father does."
REALISM
The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson,
who later became the little town's mayor.
"One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, and
breathless, come rushin' into the store, an' droppin' on his knees
yelled, 'Yon, Yon, hide me, hide me! Ye sheriff's after me!'
"'I've no place to hide you here, Ole,' said I.
"'You moost, you moost!' screamed Ole.
"'Crawl into that gunny-sack then,' said I.
"He'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff.
"'Seen Ole?' said he.
"'Don't see him here,' said I, without lyin'.
"Then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted the
gunny-sack over in the corner.
"'What's in here?' said he.
"'Oh, just some old harness and sleigh-bells,' said I.
"With that he gives it an awful boot.
"'Yingle, yingle, yingle!' moaned Ole."
MOTHER--"Tommy, if you're pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'd
run over to the store and get me some butter."
TOMMY--"I'm awful sorry, Mother, but I'm all out of gasoline."--_Judge_.
"Children," said the teacher, instructing the class in composition, "you
should not attempt any flights of fancy; simply be yourselves and write
what is in you. Do not imitate any other person's writings or draw
inspiration from outside sources."
As a result of this advice Tommy Wise turned out the following
composition: "We should not attempt any flights of fancy, but write what
is in us. In me there is my stummick, lungs, hart, liver, two apples,
one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner."
"A great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art,"
says a New York artist, "and it must be confessed that some ground has
been given to the enemy. Why, there recently came to my notice a
picture of an Assyrian bath, done by a Chicago man, and so careful was
he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked
'Nebuchadnezzar' in the corner, in cuneiform characters."
RECALL
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?"
JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."
"Senator, why don't you unpack your trunk? You'll be in Washington for
six years."
"I don't know about that. My state has the recall."
RECOMMENDATIONS
A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In
acquitting them the court, with great severity, said:
"There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but if anyone wishes
to know my opinion of you I hope that they will refer to me."
Next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available medium
with the following, well displayed: "Reference as to probity, by special
permission, the Lord Chief Justice of England."
MISTRESS--"Have you a reference?"
BRIDGET--"Foine; Oi held the poker over her till Oi got it."
There is a story of a Scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener
for dishonesty. For the sake of the man's wife and family, however, he
gave him a "character," and framed it in this way: "I hereby certify
that A. B. has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that
time he got more out of the garden than any man I ever employed."
The buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of working
out, and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather
sheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension.
"Martha, is it possible that you are thinking of getting married?"
"Yes'm," admitted Martha, blushing.
"Not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately?"
"Yes'm he's the one."
"But you have only known him a few days."
"Three weeks come Thursday," corrected Martha.
"Do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such an
important step?"
"Well," answered Martha with spirit, "'tain't 's if he was some new
feller. He's well recommended; a perfectly lovely girl I know was
engaged to him for a long while."
An Englishman and an Irishman went to the captain of a ship bound for
America and asked permission to work their passage over. The captain
consented, but asked the Irishman for references and let the Englishman
go on without them. This made the Irishman angry and he planned to get
even.
One day when they were washing off the deck, the Englishman leaned far
over the rail, dropped the bucket, and was just about to haul it up when
a huge wave came and pulled him overboard. The Irishman stopped
scrubbing, went over to the rail and, seeing the Englishman had
disappeared, went to the Captain and said: "Perhaps yez remember whin I
shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let the
Englishman come on widout thim?"
The Captain said: "Yes, I remember."
"Well, ye've been decaved," said the Irishman; "he's gone off wid yer
pail!"
RECONCILIATIONS
"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing."
"Why don't you make up?"
"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."
REFORMERS
LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer."
JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_.
He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land
reform," he wound up, "I want housing reform, I want educational reform,
I want--"
And said a bored voice in the audience: "Chloroform."
The young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and earnestly at the
reflection there. She screwed up her face in many ways. She fluffed her
hair and then smoothed it down again; she raised her eyes and lowered
them; she showed her teeth and she pressed her lips tightly together. At
last she got up, with a weary sigh, and said:
"It's no use. I'll be some kind of reformer."
REGRETS
A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor,
telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post."
After the death of Lord Houghton, there was found in his correspondence
the following reply to a dinner invitation: "Mrs. ---- presents her
compliments to Lord Houghton. Her husband died on Tuesday, otherwise he
would have been delighted to dine with Lord Houghton on Thursday next."
A young woman prominent in the social set of an Ohio town tells of a
young man there who had not familiarized himself with the forms of
polite correspondence to the fullest extent. When, on one occasion, he
found it necessary to decline an invitation, he did so in the following
terms:
"Mr. Henry Blank declines with pleasure Mrs. Wood's invitation for the
nineteenth, and thanks her extremely for having given him the
opportunity of doing so."
REHEARSALS
The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle
Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle
Abe, "who they buryin' today?"
"Pore old Tite Harrison," said the storekeeper.
"Sho," said Uncle Abe. "Tite Harrison, hey? Is Tite dead?"
"You don't think we're rehearsin' with him, do you?" snapped the
storekeeper.
RELATIVES
"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's
relatives."
"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"
RELIGIONS
When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to
Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover
some new religion to bring home with him. "But be careful of it, Bishop
Brooks," remarked a listening friend; "it may be difficult to get your
new religion through the Custom House."
"I guess not," replied the Bishop, laughingly, "for we may take it for
granted that any new religion popular enough to import will have no
duties attached to it."
At a recent conference of Baptists, Methodists, and English Friends, in
the city of Chengtu, China, two Chinamen were heard discussing the three
denominations. One of them said to the other:
"They say these denominations have different beliefs. Just what is the
difference between them?"
"Oh," said the other, "Not much! Big washee, little washee, no washee,
that is all."
A recent book on Russia relates the story of the anger of the Apostle
John because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his ikon, but
honored, instead, the ikon of Apostle Peter in St. John's own church.
The two apostles talked it over as they walked the fields near Kieff,
and Apostle John decided to send a terrible storm to destroy the just
ripe corn of the peasant. His decision was carried out, and the next day
he met Apostle Peter and boasted of his punishing wrath.
And Apostle Peter only laughed. "Ai, yi, yi, Apostle John," he said,
"what a mess you've made of it. I stepped around, saw my friend, and
told him what you were going to do, so he sold his corn to the priest of
your church."
The priest of a New York parish met one of his parishioners, who had
long been out of work, and asked him whether he had found anything to
do. The man grinned with infinite satisfaction, and replied:
"Yiss indade, ycr Riverince, an' a foine job too! Oi'm gettin' three
dollars a day fur pullin' down a Prodesant church!"
A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night,
but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a
policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a
somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your
religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt."
The friendship existing between Father Kelly and Rabbi Levi is proof
against differences in race and religion. Each distinguished for his
learning, his eloquence and his wit; and they delight in chaffing each
other. They were seated opposite each other at a banquet where some
delicious roast ham was served and Father Kelly made comments upon its
flavor. Presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far, he
addressed his friend:
"Rabbi Levi, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?"
"At your wedding, Father Kelly," retorted the rabbi.
The broad-minded see the truth in different religions; the narrow-minded
see only their differences.--_Chinese Proverb_.
REMEDIES
MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?"
MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"
SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it."
FRIEND--"Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a toothache yesterday
and I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the
pain soon passed away. Why don't you try the same?"
SUFFERER--"I think I will. Is your wife at home now?"
For every ill beneath the sun
There is some remedy or none;
If there be one, resolve to find it;
If not, submit, and never mind it.
REMINDERS
The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:
"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier,
countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. You'll be
sure to remember?"
The tired eyes of the harassed, shabby promoter lit up with joy. He
seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in a
corner, and going to his wife, he said:
"Here, tie my right hand to my left foot so I won't forget!"
REPARTEE
Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next
morning.
Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an
Irishman who claimed to be very good at figures. The boss, thinking that
he would get ahead of Pat, said: "Say, Pat, how many shirts can you get
out of a yard?"
"That depends," answered Pat, "on whose yard you get into."
A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the Grand
Central Station in New York the other day.
"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to Central
Park."
The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.
"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want you
ever, _ever_ to ask me again."
SEEDY VISITOR--"Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?"
BOATMAN--"Not very many, sir. You're the first I've seen this season."
HER DAD--"No, sir; I won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupid
fool."
HER SUITOR--"Then don't you think you'd better let me take her off your
hands?"
Wendell Phillips was traveling through Ohio once when he fell in with a
car full of ministers returning from a convention. One of the ministers,
a southerner from Kentucky, was naturally not very cordial to the
opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarrass Mr.
Phillips. So, before the group of ministers, he said:
"You are Wendell Phillips, are you not?"
"Yes," answered the great abolitionist.
"And you are trying to free the niggers, aren't you?"
"Yes, sir; I am."
"Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? Why don't you go over
into Kentucky?"
"Excuse me, are you a preacher?"
"I am, sir."
"Are you trying to save souls from hell?"
"Yes, sir; that is my business."
"Well, why don't you go there then?" asked Mr. Phillips.
SOLEMN SENIOR--"So your efforts to get on the team were fruitless, were
they?"
FOOLISH FRESHMAN--"Oh, no! Not at all. They gave me a lemon."--_Harvard
Lampoon_.
A benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing rock from
a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his bare head.
"My dear man," observed the onlooker, "are you not afraid that your
brain will be affected in the hot sun?"
The laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied:
"Do you think a man with any brains would be working at this kind of a
job?"
Winston Churchill, the young English statesman, recently began to raise
a mustache, and while it was still in the budding stage he was asked at
a dinner party to take in to dinner an English girl who had decided
opposing political views.
"I am sorry," said Mr. Churchill, "we cannot agree on politics."
"No, we can't," rejoined the girl, "for to be frank with you I like your
politics about as little as I do your mustache."
"Well," replied Mr. Churchill, "remember that you are not likely to come
into contact with either."
Strickland Gillilan, the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted into fame
by his "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in, Finnigin" verses, was about to deliver a
lecture in a small Missouri town. He asked the chairman of the committee
whether he might have a small pitcher of ice-water on the platform
table.
"To drink?" queried the committeeman.
"No," answered Gillilan. "I do a high-diving act."
TRAVELER--"Say, boy, your corn looks kind of yellow."
BOY--"Yes, sir. That's the kind we planted."
TRAVELER--"Looks as though you will only have half a crop."
BOY--"Don't expect any more. The landlord gets the other half."
TRAVELER (after a moment's thought)--"Say, there is not much difference
between you and a fool."
BOY--"No, sir. Only the fence."
President Lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an attendant, a
young man of sixteen, unceremoniously entered and gave him a card.
Without rising, the President glanced at the card. "Pshaw. She here
again? I told her last week that I could not interfere in her case. I
cannot see her," he said impatiently. "Get rid of her any way you can.
Tell her I am asleep, or anything you like."
Quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room, this exceedingly
bright boy said to her, "The President told me to tell you that he is
asleep."
The lady's eyes sparkled as she responded, "Ah, he says he is asleep,
eh? Well, will you be kind enough to return and ask him when he intends
to wake up?"
The garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the guide
with her comments and questions ever since they had started. Her meek
little husband, who was hunched toad-like in the bow, fished in silence.
The old lady had seemingly exhausted every possible point in fish and
animal life, woodcraft, and personal history when she suddenly espied
one of those curious paths of oily, unbroken water frequently seen on
small lakes which are ruffled by a light breeze.
"Oh, guide, guide," she exclaimed, "what makes that funny streak in the
water--No, there--Right over there!"
The guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and merely
mumbled "U-m-mm."
"Guide," repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be denied,
"look right over there where I'm pointing and tell me what makes that
funny streak in the water."
The guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh.
"That? Oh, that's where the road went across the ice last winter."
Nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of Harvard men in seasons
of athletic rivalry than the time-honored "To hell with Yale!"
Once when Dean Briggs, of Harvard, and Edward Everett Hale were on their
way to a game at Soldiers' Field a friend asked:
"Where are you going, Dean?"
"To yell with Hale," answered Briggs with a meaning smile.
John Kendrick Bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone. The
maid at the other end did not recognize her "master's voice," and after
Bangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked:
"Do you wish to speak with Mrs. Bangs?"
"No, indeed," replied the humorist; "I want to kiss her."
A boy took a position in an office where two different telephones were
installed.
"Your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone, sir," he said to
his employer.
"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two booths.
"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had more than
one."
An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac. "Here,"
remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a dollar across
the river."
"Well," replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable, for a
dollar went much further in those days than it does now."
The American would not be worsted, so, after a short pause, he said:
"But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He once chucked a
sovereign across the Atlantic."
Pat was busy on a road working with his coat off. There were two
Englishmen laboring on the same road, so they decided to have a joke
with the Irishman. They painted a donkey's head on the back of Pat's
coat, and watched to see him put it on. Pat, of course, saw the donkey's
head on his coat, and, turning to the Englishmen, said:
"Which of yez wiped your face on me coat?"
A district leader went to Sea Girt, in 1912, to see the Democratic
candidate for President. In the course of an animated conversation, the
leader, noticing that Governor Wilson's eyeglasses were perched
perilously near the tip of his nose remarked: "Your glasses, Governor,
are almost on your mouth."
"That's all right," was the quick response. "I want to see what I'm
talking about."
According to the London _Globe_ two Germans were halted at the French
frontier by the customs officers. "We have each to declare three bottles
of red wine," said one of the Germans to the _douaniers_. "How much to
pay?"
"Where are the bottles?" asked the customs man.
"They are within!" laughed the Teuton making a gesture.
The French _douanier_, unruffled, took down his tariff book and read, or
pretended to read: "Wines imported in bottles pay so much, wines
imported in barrels pay so much, and wines _en peaux d'ane_ pay no duty.
You can pass, gentlemen."
A small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside, when a
passer-by stopped and said:
"'Pears to me your corn is rather small."
"Certainly," said the boy; "it's dwarf corn."
"But it looks yaller."
"Certainly; we planted the yaller kind."
"But it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop."
"Of course not; we planted it on halves."
REPORTING
_See_ Journalism; Newspapers.
REPUBLICAN PARTY
The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in
Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-known
Democrat:
"I understand there were some Republicans at the banquet last night."
"Oh, yes," said the Democrat genially, "one waited on me."
REPUTATION
Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought
to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_.
RESEMBLANCES
Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride
of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has the
prejudice against being taken for an Indianian which seems inherent in
all native-born Kentuckians. While coming to Congress, several sessions
ago, he was approached in the Pullman coach by a New Yorker, who, after
bowing politely to him, said:
"Is not this Senator Blackburn of Indiana?"
The Kentuckian sprang from his seat, and glaring at his interlocutor
exclaimed angrily:
"No, sir, by ----. The reason I look so bad is I have been sick!"
"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles," said Mr. Meekins.
"Well," answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it shows
he has a sense of humor."
Mark Twain constantly received letters and photographs from men who had
been told that they looked like him. One was from Florida, and the
likeness, as shown by the man's picture, was really remarkable so
remarkable, indeed, that Mr. Clemens sent the following acknowledgment:
"My Dear Sir: I thank you very much for your letter and the
photograph. In my opinion you are certainly more like me than
any other of my doubles. In fact, I am sure that if you stood
before me in a mirrorless frame I could shave by you."
NEIGHBOR: "Johnny, I think in looks you favor your mother a great deal."
JOHNNY: "Well. I may look like her, but do you tink dat's a favor?"
RESIGNATION
"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the
minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting.
"No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preachin' on the
subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned yet."
RESPECTABILITY
"Is he respectable?"'
"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing
a railroad."--_Wasp_.
REST CURE
A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair
of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in Wyoming
and asked for light housework. She said that her name was Lizzie, and
explained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing.
"Where did you come from, Lizzie?" inquired the woman of the house.
"Where have you been?"
"I've been workin' out on Howell's ranch," replied Lizzie, "diggin'
post-holes while I was gittin' my strength back."
RETALIATION
You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up
and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'"
"I know him."
"I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear
Havanny--but I'll get even with him now."
"How will you do it?"
"I'll tell ye. Jim always hits me over the vest pocket where I carry my
cigars. He'll hit me just once more. There's no cigar in me vest pocket
this mornin'. Instead of it, there's a stick of dynamite, d'ye mind!"
Once when Henry Ward Beecher was in the midst of an eloquent political
speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock. It was done to
perfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter. The great
orator's friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption.
But Mr. Beecher stood perfectly calm. He stopped speaking, listened till
the crowing ceased, and while the audience was laughing he pulled out
his watch. Then he said: "That's strange. My watch says it is only ten
o'clock. But there can't be any mistake about it. It must be morning,
for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."
An Episcopal clergyman, rector of a fashionable church in one of
Boston's most exclusive suburbs, so as not to be bothered with the
innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession, had his
name left out of the telephone book. A prominent merchant of the same
name, living in the same suburb, was continually annoyed by requests to
officiate at funerals and baptisms. He went to the rector, told his
troubles in a kindly way, and asked the parson to have his name put in
the directory. But without success.
The merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company. As he
was writing the letter, one Saturday evening, the telephone rang and the
timid voice of a young man asked if the Rev. Mr. Blank would marry him
at once. A happy thought came to the merchant: "No, I'm too damn busy
writing my sermon," he replied.
REVOLUTIONS
Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.
As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a
third was about to be caught between them.
The commander of the third party saw the predicament. On the right
government troops, on the left insurgents.
"General, why do you not give the order to fire?" asked an aide, dashing
up on a lame mule.
"I would like to," responded the general, "but, Great Scott! I can't
remember which side we're fighting for."
REWARDS
Said a great Congregational preacher
To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature."
And the hen, just for that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.
RHEUMATISM
FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going
to rain, ye know."
MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o'
such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis
for?"--_Tit-Bits_.
ROADS
A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and
the latter complained of the mud in America.
"Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here."
"Nonsense!" said the Englishman.
"Fact," the American replied. "Why, this afternoon I had a remarkable
adventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--all
through your confounded mud."
"Some of the streets are a little greasy at this season, I admit," said
the Englishman. "What was your adventure, though?"
"Well," said the American, "as I was walking along I noticed that the
mud was very thick, and presently I saw a high hat afloat on a large
puddle of very rich ooze. Thinking to do some one a kindness, I gave the
hat a poke with my stick, when an old gentleman looked up from beneath,
surprised and frowning. 'Hello!' I said. 'You're in pretty deep!'
'Deeper than you think,' he said. 'I'm on the top of an omnibus!'"
ROASTS
As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he
was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal,
stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham
eat. At length, unable to endure it any longer, Mr. Faversham rang the
bell and said:
"Waiter, kindly turn that gentleman around. I think he is done on that
side."
ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some
years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and
collar off, mopping his brow.
"Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'm
very busy putting in my hay just now. Come down to the barn with me and
we'll talk things over while I work."
Down to the barn hustled President and delegation.
Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork and--but where was the hay?
"John!" shouted the President. "John! where's all the hay?"
"Sorry, sir," came John's voice from the loft, "but I ain't had time to
throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's delegation."
SALARIES
A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The
teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope
you're not afraid of microbes."
"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe could
live on my salary!"--_Frances Kirkland_.
SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads:
Watermelons
Our choice 25 cents.
Your choice 35 cents.
--_Elgin Burroughs_.
The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known
merchant was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by the
office-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office was
separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When the
boy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tear
it in half and throw it in the waste-basket; the boy came out and told
the caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy to
go back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with the
message that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out another
card and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards for
five cents."
He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.
A young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest styles in
derbies. He was evidently hard to please, for soon the counter was
covered with hats that he had tried on and found wanting. At last the
salesman picked up a brown derby, brushed it off on his sleeve, and
extended it admiringly.
"These are being very much worn this season, sir," he said. "Won't you
try it on?"
The customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in the
mirror. "You're sure it's in style?"
"The most fashionable thing we have in the shop, sir. And it suits you
to perfection--if the fit's right."
"Yes, it fits very well. So you think I had better have it?"
"I don't think you could do better."
"No, I don't think I could. So I guess I won't buy a new one after all."
The salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat, which had become
mixed among the many new ones.
VISITOR--"Can I see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago?"
NURSE--"He hasn't come to his senses yet."
VISITOR--"Oh, that's all right. I only want to sell him another
car."--_Judge_.
"That fellow is too slick for me. Sold me a lot that was two feet under
water. I went around to demand my money back."
"Get it?"
"Get nothing! Then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and a copy
of 'Venetian Life,' by W.D. Howells."
In a small South Carolina town that was "finished" before the war, two
men were playing checkers in the back of a store. A traveling man who
was making his first trip to the town was watching the game, and, not
being acquainted with the business methods of the citizens, he called
the attention of the owner of the store to some customers who had just
entered the front door.
"Sh! Sh!" answered the storekeeper, making another move on the
checkerboard. "Keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out."
He who finds he has something to sell,
And goes and whispers it down a well,
Is not so apt to collar the dollars,
As he who climbs a tree and hollers.
--_The Advertiser_
SALOONS
"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed
at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver.
"See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to a
building near the depot.
"You don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store?"
exclaimed the drummer.
"No, I mean that's the only place here they don't sell it," said the
'bus man.
SALVATION
WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy
their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they
die."
GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of
these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the instalment plan
of ten cents a Sunday while they're living."--_Lauren S. Hamilton_.
An Italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for the
souls in purgatory, a piece of gold.
"Ah, my lord," said the good father, "you have now delivered a soul."
The count threw another piece upon the plate.
"Here is another soul delivered," said the priest.
"Are you positive of it?" replied the count.
"Yes, my lord," replied the priest; "I am certain they are now in
heaven."
"Then," said the count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifies
nothing to you now, seeing the souls have already got to heaven."
An Episcopal missionary in Wyoming visited one of the outlying districts
in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in the home of a
large family not conspicuous for its piety. He made known his intentions
to the woman of the house, and she murmured vaguely that "she'd go out
and see." She was long in returning, and after a tiresome wait the
missionary went to the door and called with some impatience:
"Aren't you coming in? Don't you care anything about your souls?"
"Souls?" yelled the head of the family from the orchard. "We haven't got
time to fool with our souls when the bees are swarmin'."
Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed to
her seriously. So, one day, her mother decided to invite a very serious
young parson to dinner, and he was placed next the light-hearted girl.
Everything went well until she asked him:
"You speak of everybody having a mission. What is yours?"
"My mission," said the parson, "is to save young men."
"Good," replied the girl, "I'm glad to meet you. I wish you'd save one
for me."
SAVING
Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your
heirs.--_Puck_.
"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"
"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains."
JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"
PAPA--"Certainly, my son."
JOHNNY--"Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I brought a
first-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar,
and I didn't bring it."
According to the following story, economy has its pains as well as its
pleasures, even after the saving is done.
One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going round town with the face
of dissatisfaction, and, when questioned, poured forth his voluble tale
of woe thus:
"Marse Geo'ge, he come to me last fall an' he say, 'Eli, dis gwine ter
be a hard winter, so yo' be keerful, an' save yo' wages fas' an' tight.'
"An' I b'lieve Marse Geo'ge, yas, sah, I b'lieve him, an' I save an' I
save, an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship, an' dere was I
wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands!"
"Robert dear," said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart, "I'm sure
you love me; but give me some proof of it, darling. We can't marry on
fifteen dollars a week, you know."
"Well, what do you want me to do?" said he, with a grieved air.
"Why, save up a thousand dollars, and have it safe in the bank, and then
I'll marry you."
About two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa one
evening, and said:
"Robert dear, have you saved up that thousand yet?"
"Why, no, my love," he replied; "not all of it."
"How much have you saved, darling?"
"Just two dollars and thirty-five cents, dear."
"Oh, well," said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little closer,
"don't let's wait any longer, darling. I guess that'll do."--_R.M.
Winans_.
_See_ also Economy; Thrift.
SCANDAL
An ill wind that blows nobody good.
SCHOLARSHIP
There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from
Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he
exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But the
old gentleman was not satisfied.
"_Next_ to the head!" he exclaimed. "What do you mean? I'd like to know
what you think I'm sending you to college for? _Next_ to the head! Why
aren't you at the head, where you ought to be?"
At this the son was much crestfallen; but upon his return, he went about
his work with such ambition that at the end of the term he found himself
in the coveted place. When he went home that year he felt very proud. It
would be great news for the old man.
When the announcement was made, the father contemplated his son for a
few minutes in silence; then, with a shrug, he remarked:
"At the head of the class, eh? Well, that's a fine commentary on Yale
University!"--_Howard Morse_.
"Well, there were only three boys in school to-day who could answer one
question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of eight.
"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud mother.
"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry Stone
were the other two."
"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; it makes
your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher ask, Johnnie?"
"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"
Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks in
his school work. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a dime if he
would do better. The next day he came running home.
"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!"
"And what did you get a hundred in?"
"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty in
readin' and sixty in spellin'."
Who ceases to be a student has never been one.--_George Iles_.
_See also_ College students.
SCHOOLS
"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too
bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?"
"In school, mamma."
SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad
enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road and
attempted to give the matter point. He asked a native:
"How long does it take you to carry your goods to market by muleback?"
"Three days," was the reply.
"There's the point," said Miller. "With our road in operation you could
take your goods to market and be back home in one day."
"Very good, senor," answered the native. "But what would we do with the
other two days?"
A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the
afternoon:
"By the way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to
get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something."
"Oh, no," replied the owner "Oh, no, that's all right."
"Why is it?" asked the visitor.
"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps
two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."
SCOTCH, THE
A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his
neighbors on week days.
It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so
divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man
prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he asked, "do you
suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry?"
Nobody had an idea.
"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner.
Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a Scotsman to
be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished when the rest of
the party laughed more than ever.
A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found one of
his parishioners recumbent in a ditch.
"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister.
"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one, "whether it was
a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it was a most
extraordinary success."
_See also_ Thrift.
SEASICKNESS
A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for
the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weak
voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust Company's care.
Everything is left to you, dear. My various stocks you will find in my
safe-deposit box." Then he said fervently: "And, Jenny, bury me on the
other side. I can't stand this trip again, alive or dead."--_Joe King_.
Motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship: "Man wants but little
here below, nor wants that little long."
On the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about her
husband, who was troubled with dyspepsia.
"My husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness, Captain," remarked the
bride. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?"
"That won't be necessary, Madam," replied the Captain; "he'll do it."
A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter
resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable, of the
unjust steward. "What is a steward?" he asked.
A little boy who had arrived from England a few days before held up his
hand. "He is a man, sir," he replied, with a reminiscent look on his
face, "who brings you a basin."
"The first day out was perfectly lovely," said the young lady just back
from abroad. "The water was as smooth as glass, and it was simply
gorgeous. But the second day was rough and--er--decidedly disgorgeous."
The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.
"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"
"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.
Then there was an eloquent silence.
"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away, "I thought
that would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"
There was a young man from Ostend,
Who vowed he'd hold out to the end;
But when half way over
From Calais to Dover,
He did what he didn't intend.
SEASONS
There was a young fellow named Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the fall;
'Twould have been a sad thing
If he'd died in the spring,
But he didn't--he died in the fall.
SENATORS
A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something
worse.
"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?"
said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions.
"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have
participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made."
An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed
individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"
"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your machine? Why,
I'm a United States Senator!"
"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you."
SENSE OF HUMOR
"What of his sense of humor?"
"Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."
--_Richard Kirk_.
"A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear
Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in excess. I have
in mind the case of a British soldier who was sentenced to be flogged.
During the flogging he laughed continually. The harder the lash was laid
on, the harder the soldier laughed.
"'Wot's so funny about bein' flogged?' demanded the sergeant.
"'Why,' the soldier chuckled, 'I'm the wrong man.'"
Mark Twain once approached a friend, a business man, and confided to him
that he needed the assistance of a stenographer.
"I can send you one, a fine young fellow," the friend said, "He came to
my office yesterday in search of a position, but I didn't have an
opening."
"Has he a sense of humor?" Mark asked cautiously.
"A sense of humor? He has--in fact, he got off one or two pretty witty
things himself yesterday," the friend hastened to assure him.
"Sorry, but he won't do, then," Mark said.
"Won't do? Why?"
"No," said Mark. "I had one once before with a sense of humor, and it
interfered too much with the work. I cannot afford to pay a man two
dollars a day for laughing."
The perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of sanity.--_Emerson_.
SENTRIES
_See_ Armies.
SERMONS
_See_ Preaching.
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