Toaster's Handbook
by
Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers
Part 8 out of 14
JUDGES
A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.
An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the
interpreter.
"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.
"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.
"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was
it?"
"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to
do with the case."
"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what
did he say?"
"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman
with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"
At which the court roared.
"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable.
"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang
you."
A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge
of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge
asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near
the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard.
"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to
'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not
yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo'
wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench
whar yo' am familiar."--_Mrs. L.F. Clarke_.
Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to
consider soberly, and to decide impartially.--_Socrates_.
JUDGMENT
HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."
WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_.
JURY
In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say,
"Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with
laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock.
There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom
the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an
air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it."
"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge
any of the jury?"
The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.
"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin',
but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in
th' corner."
JUSTICE
There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side.
"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour
ago!"
"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too
hard, so I thought I'd just even up."
One man's word is no man's word,
Justice is that both be heard.
He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide
justly cannot be considered just.--_Seneca_.
JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store.
A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the
station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid
done?"
KENTUCKY
Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.
KINDNESS
Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at
home.--_Abe Martin_.
An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to
see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As
they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme
that basket, Hannah."
The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look.
"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.
"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."
A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood
directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she
lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his
toes.
As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.
"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply
self-defense."
KINGS AND RULERS
"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to
my accomplishments."
"Aren't they rather light?"
"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution
occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."
The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in company
with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honor
of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively to
the young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and
chaperons.
His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position and
his duty as well.
"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us. You go
and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls."
And so we sing, "Long live the King;
Long live the Queen and Jack;
Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace,
And also all the pack."
--_Eugene Field_.
FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY--"Wouldn't you like to be presented to our
sovereign?"
SECOND E.S.L.--"No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is no
reason why I should condescend to meet him socially."
One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von
Meerscheidt for some small lapses.
"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit
me to resign," said the General.
"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser.
In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old
General talking to some young ladies, and he said:
"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will
vanish."
"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill me to
have both a young wife and a young Emperor."
During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which both
American and British officers were present. One of the latter offered
the toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!"
An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk or
sober!"--_Mrs. Gouverneur_.
A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not think
that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the meeting
with the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham, Isaac and King
David. After a moment's silence, with perfect dignity and decision the
great Queen made answer: "I will _not_ meet David!"
Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as Saadi sings,
But the immensest empire is too narrow for two kings.
--_William R. Alger_.
Here lies our sovereign lord, the king,
Whose word no man relies on,
Who never said a foolish thing,
And never did a wise one.
Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied, "That is
very true, for my words are my own. My actions are my minister's."
KISSES
Here's to a kiss:
Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,
Then to that twenty add a hundred more;
A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on,
To make that thousand quite a million,
Treble that million, and when that is done
Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun.
"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your mother."
"No; my lawyer."
"What is he so angry with you for?"
"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking
just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and
tried to kick me."
"And what were you talking about?"
"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my
wife three or four times every day.'"
"And what did you say?"
"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had
a fit."
There was an old maiden from Fife,
Who had never been kissed in her life;
Along came a cat;
And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"
Here's to the red of the holly berry,
And to its leaf so green;
And here's to the lips that are just as red,
And the fellow who's not so green.
There was a young sailor of Lyd,
Who loved a fair Japanese kid;
When it came to good-bye,
They were eager but shy,
So they put up a sunshade and--did.
There once was a maiden of Siam,
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
"If you kiss me, of course
You will have to use force,
But God knows you're stronger than I am."
Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.--_Swift_.
_See also_ Courtship; Servants.
KNOWLEDGE
A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't
teach mine a single trick."
The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you
see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn
him nothin'."
With knowledge and love the world is made.--_Anatole France_.
KULTUR
HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid
fool!"
MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we
both mistaken."--_Life_.
LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si
Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.
"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.
"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.
Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:
"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"
LADIES
_See_ Etiquet; Woman.
LANDLORDS
An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed
out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him.
"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in
this district!"
"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the
landlords--he lives in England!"
LANGUAGES
George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his
companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's
friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in
studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a
word that the native said.
"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't a
tooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic."
Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his
daughters in the different languages.
"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman."
Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official to
recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkable
fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages."
"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of
linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!"
LAUGHTER
TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."
FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."
Laugh and the world laughs with you,
Weep, and the laugh's on you.
About the best and finest thing in this world is laughter.--_Anna Alice
Chapin_.
LAW
_See_ Punishment.
LAWYERS
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting
his bill.--_Puck_.
George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on
seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his
trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those
present:
"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional
humorist should be funny?"
When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:
"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should
have his hands in his own pockets?"
A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the jury
acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judge
for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him.
"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.
"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money to
pay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole."--_J.J. O'Connell_.
An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens,
had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney,
although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal,
the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt.
The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," said he
cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced.
"Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. I
thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat
you'd hang me, shore!"
"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this
morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who had
dropped in at the police court.
"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrong
bunch. Those are the lawyers."
"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal
emerged from the window.
"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in
disgust.
"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"
The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. The
telephone rang.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.
"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department."
"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far,
after all, did I?"--_Carl Holliday_.
A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a
particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company of
two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, I
suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they are
both lawyers."
An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter from
a tailor to whom he was indebted:
"Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a
remittance from you in settlement of my account.
Yours truly,
J. SNIPPEN."
The follower of Blackstone immediately replied:
"Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date,
and beg leave to say that not having received any retainer
from you I cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your
check for $250 I shall be very glad to look the matter up for
you and to acquaint you with the results of my investigations.
I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant,
BARCLAY B. COKE."
A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was not
represented by a lawyer.
"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.
"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.
"Why not?" queried the judge.
"Because I have no money to pay one."
"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.
"Yes, sir."
"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. George
Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who were
sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen is
out in the hall."
The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, he
turned to the judge and said:
"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen."--_A.S.
Hitchcock_.
"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady of
the ragged boy.
"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.
"But how is it that you have the candy now?"
"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."
A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the
sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suit
against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The city
appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won.
After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed
him one dollar.
"What's this?" asked the man.
"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal and
other expenses," replied the counsel.
The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned the
other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter
with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"
Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer.
A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys
Ther was also, ful riche of excellence.
Discreet he was, and of greet reverence:
He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse.
* * *
No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas,
And yet he seemed bisier than he was.
--_Chaucer_.
LAZINESS
A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous
old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a
stretch.
"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of
money shipping green corn to the northern market."
"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply.
"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed."
"Yes, I guess so."
"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"
"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is too
lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'."
While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the
passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat
a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was
howling.
"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."
"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is
painful."
"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.
"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"
"Lazy."
"But why does laziness make him howl?"
"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a
sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar
an' howls 'cause it hurts."
"How's times?" inquired a tourist.
"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a
stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved
me the trouble."
"Fine."
"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the
trouble of burnin' it."
"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"
"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and
shake the potatoes out of the ground."
A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of Denver,
shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl.
"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn they
offer you work to do."
An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainous
region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants are notoriously
shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour, he
inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner.
The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree in front
of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed Ma'd hev
suthin' on to the table putty soon."
With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his chagrin,
however, he soon discovered that the food set before him was such that
he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such excuses as he could
for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought himself of a kind of
nourishment which he might venture to take, and which was sure to be
found in any locality. He asked for some milk.
"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The dawg's
dead."
"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do with
it?"
"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem to know
'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he used to go for
'em an' fetch 'em up."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations attack the
idle.--_Spurgeon_.
LEAP YEAR
A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:
"George, as it is leap year--"
The caller turned pale.
"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly
now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose--"
"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted
hurriedly.
"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I
thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible
fellows a chance."--_L.F. Clarke_.
LEGISLATORS
Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an
insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the
investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair
unfortunates to whom he was introduced.
"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how long have
you been in the asylum?"
"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of the
Legislative Committee."
"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I knew you
were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I looked at
you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know which."
LIARS
There are three kinds of liars:
1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone.
2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful
study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out
that you are a hypocrite.
3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious individual.
Encourage him.
Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one
made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called:
"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"
"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.
"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not."
"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never dare to
call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."
FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"
JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still."
A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a
most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his
absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:
"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a
letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get
drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully."
The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the
door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon to
mon?"
"Yes; what is it?"
"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the captain and
lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars the
Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."
A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the proper
pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled upon
arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell:
"You're a liar! You're a liar!"
And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:
"You really are! You really are!"
MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was
a little girl."
BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"--_Horace Zimmerman_.
The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si
Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.
"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you
call Si Perkins a liar?"
"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the
ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly,
but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get any
response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em for
him."
A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in time
of trouble.
An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young
easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them to
be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with a
recital something as follows:
"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a
hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he
finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."
At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not a
word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "_for
the second time_."
"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian,
"that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that
grizzly."
"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly died
mighty hard."
"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.
"Yes, _sir_," said the guide.
"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him to
swallow?"
When by night the frogs are croaking,
Kindle but a torch's fire;
Ha! how soon they all are silent;
Thus Truth silences the liar.
--_Friedrich von Logan_.
_See also_ Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate agents; Regrets.
LIBERTY
Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be
slaves of the things we do like.
A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty
Is worth a whole eternity in bondage.
--_Addison_.
Where liberty dwells, there is my country.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
LIBRARIANS
A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public
Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual
cleaning and vacation of the librarians."
The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the statement
that the requests for books with queer titles are filled with ones
really wanted. The following are instances:
AS ASKED FOR CORRECT TITLE
_Indecent Orders In Deacon's Orders
She Combeth Not Her Head She Cometh Not, She Said
Trial of a Servant Trail of the Serpent
Essays of a Liar Essays of Elia
Soap and Tables AEsop's Fables
Pocketbook's Hill Puck of Pook's Hill
Dentist's Infirmary Dante's Inferno
Holy Smoke Divine Fire_
One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog:
Lead Poisoning
Do, Kindly Light.
A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He says: "To
my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a strong
hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest among
librarians; and when I look into the future, I am inclined to think that
most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women."
Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their catalogs. Here
are two:
_An Ideal Husband_:
Essentially a work of fiction,
and presumably written by a
woman (unmarried).
_Aspects of Home Rule_:
Political, not domestic.
In a branch library a reader asked for _The Girl He Married_ (by James
Grant.) This happened to be out, and the assistant was requested to
select a similar book. Presumably he was a benedict, for he returned
triumphantly with _His Better Half_ (by George Griffith).
"Have you _A Joy Forever_?" inquired a lady borrower.
"No," replied the assistant librarian after referring to the
stock. "Dear me, how tiresome," said the lady; "have you Praed?" "Yes,
madam, but it isn't any good," was the prompt reply.
LIFE
Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some
float and the rest--sink.
I count life just a stuff
To try the soul's strength on.
--_Robert Browning_.
May you live as long as you like,
And have what you like as long as you live.
"Live, while you live," the epicure would say,
"And seize the pleasures of the present day;"
"Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher cries,
"And give to God each moment as it flies."
"Lord, in my views let both united be;
I live in _pleasure_, when I live to _Thee_."
--_Philip Doddridge_.
This world that we're a-livin' in
Is mighty hard to beat,
For you get a thorn with every rose--
But ain't the roses sweet!
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff
life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.
LISPING
"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an
unusual lisp.
"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk."
LOST AND FOUND
"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I
kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised
'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"
"What were you in for?" asked the friend.
"I found a horse."
"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse."
"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."
"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no
longer--it has been found."--_Brooklyn Life_.
A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a
cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely
certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted
this notice:
"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate
its immediate return."
That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what
were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were
these lines:
"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the
owner would kindly lose the other link."
CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"
CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"
CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost."
LOVE
Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's
board-bill for life.
MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a
man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"
MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our
daughter make the same blunder."
MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."
ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"
MAUDE--"His creditors."
RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"
SUITOR--"Why, certainly!"
RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family."
'Tis better to have lived and loved
Than never to have lived at all.
--_Judge_.
May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts.
Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance.
Here's to those that I love;
Here's to those who love me;
Here's to those who love those that I love.
Here's to those who love those who love me.
It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better
than not to be able to love at all.--_Thackeray_.
Mysterious love, uncertain treasure,
Hast thou more of pain or pleasure!
* * * * * * * * *
Endless torments dwell about thee:
Yet who would live, and live without thee!
--_Addison_.
O, love, love, love!
Love is like a dizziness;
It winna let a poor body
Gang about his biziness!
--_Hogg_.
Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in love.--_Ovid_.
LOYALTY
Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other
morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening,
got into his auto and started for town.
At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began to get
nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspense
no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraph
office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks living in town, asking
each if her husband was stopping with him overnight.
Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of the
missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a farmer and the
derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind the wagon trailed
the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with an
answer to one of the telegrams, followed at intervals by five others.
All of them read:
"Yes, John is spending the night with me."--_Bush Phillips_.
BOY--"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more'n half an
hour."
POLICEMAN--"Why didn't you tell me before?"
BOY--"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago."
LUCK
Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet
it.--_Douglas Jerrold_.
O, once in each man's life, at least,
Good luck knocks at his door;
And wit to seize the flitting guest
Need never hunger more.
But while the loitering idler waits
Good luck beside his fire,
The bold heart storms at fortunes gates,
And conquers its desire.
--_Lewis J. Bates_.
"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How can you
eat so much?"
"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster.
A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was having
as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining soup.
_See also_ Windfalls.
MAINE
The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what
the people of different states were called.
"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the
people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michigan we know
as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what the
people of Maine are called?"
"I know," said a little girl.
"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor.
"Maniacs."
MAKING GOOD
"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus.
"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif
him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see
him turn blue, an' on green to see him turn green, an' so on. Den de
fool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well enough alone, went an' put him
on a plaid, an' de poor little thing went an' bust himself tryin' to
make good."
_See also_ Success.
MALARIA
The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and
proceeded to ask the usual questions.
"It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific
interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate
days. Do you think--is it your opinion--that they have, so to speak,
decreased in violence, if I may use that word?"
The patient smiled feebly. "Doc," said he, "on fever days my head's so
hot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't hold an opinion."
MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New
Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting
to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of
his wife.
When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the calf of
her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing a stone in
the road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when the husband,
with wonderful presence of mind, shouted:
"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at me!"
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was gone in spots,
For Mary fired her father's gun,
And lamby caught the shots!
--_Columbia Jester_.
MARRIAGE
MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?"
MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's
skeered to death of her!"
"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of
fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where am
I--in heaven?"
"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you."
Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district one day
for the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked one nervous
little girl what matrimony is.
"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are compelled
to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world,"
she said.
"No, no," remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's the
definition of purgatory."
"Leave her alone," said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right. What do you
and I know about it?"
"Was Helen's marriage a success?"
"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on the
alimony."--_Judge_.
JENNIE--"What makes George such a pessimist?"
JACK--"Well, he's been married three times--once for love, once for
money and the last time for a home."
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black eye.
"Why, Mary," said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you have!"
"Yes'm."
"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse."
"Yes'm."
"You might have had both of them hurt."
"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at all."
A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married forty
years and was prepared to die."
"I can take a hundred words a minute," said the stenographer.
"I often take more than that," said the prospective employer; "but then
I have to, I'm married."
A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one
Saturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened.
"See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't do."
"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know," snarled the man,
turning from his wife.
"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling this
dispute," answered the Samaritan mildly.
"This ain't no dispute," growled the man.
"No dispute! But, my dear friend--"
"I tell you it ain't no dispute," insisted the man. "She"--jerking his
thumb toward the woman--"thinks she ain't goin to get my week's wages,
and I know darn well she ain't. Where's the dispute in that?"
HIS BETTER HALF--"I think it's time we got Lizzie married and settled
down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you know."
HER LESSER HALF--"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait till the right
sort of man comes along."
HIS BETTER HALF--"But why wait? I didn't!"
O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape around
his hat.
"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot mournful
thing for?"
"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband," replied Mike firmly. "I'm sorry
he's dead."
"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has," gurgled
the maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements of happiness
and sorrow, each struggling for supremacy."
"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know it,"
growled the Cynical Bachelor.
The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B.C., man one
day approached her lord concerning the matter of one hundred dollars or
so.
"I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began the husband, "but the
fact is I haven't that amount in the bank this morning--that is to say,
I haven't that amount to spare, inasmuch as I must take up a note for
two hundred dollars this afternoon."
"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness, "If you
think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter for you than
I can--why, do as you say, James!"
A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the gentlemanly
clerk--a married man, by-the-way--if he had a book suitable for an old
gentleman who had been married fifty years.
Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of Parkman's
"A Half Century of Conflict."
Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be head of
the house--the man or the woman.
"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the bread-winner.
Why shouldn't I be?"
"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we made an
agreement that I should make the rulings in all major things, my wife in
all the minor."
"How has it worked?" queried Jones.
Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come up."
A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to her little
daughter:
"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play quietly, like
Tommy. See, he doesn't make a sound."
"Of course he doesn't," said the little girl. "That is our game. He is
papa coming home late, and I am you."
The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the doorway
with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her brow.
"Good morning," said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr.
O'Toole."
"So'm I," said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other hand.
TIM--"Sarer Smith (you know 'er--Bill's missus), she throwed herself
horf the end uv the wharf larst night."
TOM--"Poor Sarer!"
TIM--"An' a cop fished 'er out again."
TOM--"Poor Bill!"
The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever.
"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at midnight. Get
home all right?"
"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where I spent
the rest of the night."
"Lucky dog! I reached home."
STRANGER--"What's the fight about?"
NATIVE--"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the widder Strong,
an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to her."--_Life_.
A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly
misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, the
justice turned to the first witness.
"Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given you a
beating, would you call in the police?"
The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and aggressiveness,
turned a smiling countenance towards the justice and answered: "No,
jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me lak he did 'is wife, Ah
wouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd call de undertaker."
We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently fined his
wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we would hate to
have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that night.
"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker.
The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his head,
thought it over a moment, and then replied:
"Five--four living and one married."
SHE--"How did they ever come to marry?"
HE--"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good friends, you
know, and later on changed their minds."--_Puck_.
Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one afternoon
when they stopped to look into a florist's window, in which there was an
artistic arrangement of exquisite roses.
"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the friend
delightedly.
"They are, indeed," replied Nat.
"You see, I am very fond of that flower," continued the friend. "In
fact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married an
American beauty."
"Well," said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I married a
cluster."
"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?"
"Of course! What's the matter?"
"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've lived a
dog's life ever since."
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and
such as are out wish to get in.--_Emerson_.
HOUSEHOLDER--"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"
BURGLAR--"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her this letter
I found in your pocket."
The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend
their time in making nets, not in making cages.--_Swift_.
_See also_ Church discipline; Domestic finance; Trouble.
MARRIAGE FEES
A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand
for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting
parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of
financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage."
"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go and get
the money."
It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a
marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned
with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the
satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made
wife seemed a little uneasy.
"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father.
"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not
be spoiled now."
"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."
"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the
marriage?"
"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with
your marriage."
"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence.
There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned
it."
MANDY--"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so reg'lar? Are yo'
corresponding wif some other female?"
RASTUS--"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout dese
'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettah
from dat ministah what married us."--_Life_.
The knot was tied; the pair were wed,
And then the smiling bridegroom said
Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay
To you the usual fee today.
Or would you have me wait a year
And give you then a hundred clear,
If I should find the marriage state
As happy as I estimate?"
The preacher lost no time in thought,
To his reply no study brought,
There were no wrinkles on his brow:
Said he, "I'll take three dollars now."
MATHEMATICS
_See_ Arithmetic.
MATRIMONY
_See_ Marriage.
MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short
and stout friend on Washington Street.
"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other.
"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother
Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. Dey haven't got
no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. So to oblige Brother
Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house."
MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"
THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of
the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a
perfect kid."
MEDICINE
The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor
came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something
to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his
medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail,
tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer
looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.
"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.
"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.
"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got
to catch that mule."
"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy--the pills
three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime."
"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm about six
weeks in front wi' the whusky."
Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an
innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a
western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted--a gentleman to undertake the sale
of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to
the undertaker."
I firmly believe that if the whole _materia medico_ could be sunk to the
bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all the
worse for the fishes.--_O.W. Holmes_.
A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he finds hurt
of, is the best physic to preserve health.--_Bacon_.
MEEKNESS
One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all
the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward
ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the
library table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper.
"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the
wife.
"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.
"A wish?"
"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."
MEMORIALS
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.
Said the cook:
"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on
my grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits ripe,
you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes' bus' it on de grave, an'
let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"
"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr. Binkston,"
said the visitor.
"Yes," replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my wife."
"Why--I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away," said the
visitor sympathetically.
"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't," smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is serving her
thirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of the bricks she
was convicted of throwing."
MEMORY
"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a
drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you
remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?"
"No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I done
fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch."
A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was surprised
to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave no checks in
return.
"He has a most wonderful memory," a fellow diner explained. "He's been
doing that for years and prides himself upon never having made a
mistake."
As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his hat.
"How do you know that this one is mine?"
"I don't know it, suh," admitted the darky.
"Then why do you give it to me?"
"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh."
"Tommy," said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to you if I
ever caught you stealing jam again?"
Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky fingers.
"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I can
remember." Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in many ways, but
very forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to interview an
important client in regard to a case then pending in the Missouri
courts. Later the head of his firm received this telegram from St.
Louis:
"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."
This was the reply sent from New York:
"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."
When time who steals our years away
Shall steal our pleasures too,
The mem'ry of the past will stay
And half our joys renew.
--_Moore_.
The heart hath its own memory, like the mind,
And in it are enshrined
The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought
The giver's loving thought.
--_Longfellow_.
MEN
Here's to the men! God bless them!
Worst of me sins, I confess them!
In loving them all; be they great or small,
So here's to the boys! God bless them!
May all single men be married,
And all married men be happy.
"What is your ideal man?"
"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to spend it!"
I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not made
them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.--_Shakespeare_.
Men are four:
He who knows and knows not that he knows,--
He is asleep--wake him;
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not,--
He is a fool--shun him;
He who knows not and knows that he knows not,--
He is a child--teach him;
He who knows and knows that He knows,--
He is a king--follow him.
_See also_ Dogs; Husbands.
MESSAGES
"Have you the rent ready?"
"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you."
"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?"
"Yes, sir."
One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who,
while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his
wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office and
sent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved. Break it gently to my wife."
METAPHOR
It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the
woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out:
"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of
the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal rights."
A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had been
turned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as follows:
"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your company
is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian bureaucracy, running in
a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. There is no use of your
trying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your official
heads in the teeth of your own deeds.
"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagration
of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to
let loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling the
corner stone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds of
collectors, thirsting for its blood? If you persist, the first thing you
know you will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling
along in our midst and gnashing its teeth as it rolls.
"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to our
doors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical compunction
in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, this policy will
result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg, until
you have pumped it dry--and then farewell, a long farewell, to our
vaunted prosperity."
MICE
"What's the matter with Briggs?"
"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the
floor."--_Life_.
MIDDLE CLASSES
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?"
PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to
accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything."
MILITANTS
_See_ Suffragettes.
MILITARY DISCIPLINE
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and
by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop.
"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without
orders."
Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground.
"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathless
on the ground, "you dismounted!"
"I did."
"Did you have orders?"
"I did."
"From headquarters, I suppose?"
"No, sor; from hintquarters."
"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit,
"before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in
graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now--answer me when I spake to yez!"
The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the
sergeant stopped him.
"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. "Hould
yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me now, what
have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? Not a word, or
I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez anything an' yez spakes
I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yez
don't answer when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished for
disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have yez both ways!"
Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance.--_Channing_.
MILLINERS
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