The Expedition of Humphry Clinker
Tobias Smollett

Part 4 out of 8

extraordinary will attend his declaring himself my sister's
admirer. This declaration will certainly be made in form, as soon
as the lover can pick up resolution enough to stand the brunt of
Mrs Tabby's disappointment; for he is, without doubt, aware of
her designs upon his person -- The particulars of the denouement
you shall know in due season: mean while I am

Always yours,
LONDON, June 10.



The deceitful calm was of short duration. I am plunged again in a
sea of vexation, and the complaints in my stomach and bowels are
returned; so that I suppose I shall be disabled from prosecuting
the excursion I had planned -- What the devil had I to do, to come
a plague hunting with a leash of females in my train? Yesterday
my precious sister (who, by the bye, has been for some time a
professed methodist) came into my apartment, attended by Mr
Barton, and desired an audience with a very stately air -- 'Brother
(said she), this gentleman has something to propose, which I
flatter myself will be the more acceptable, as it will rid you of
a troublesome companion.' Then Mr Barton proceeded to this effect
-- 'I am, indeed, extremely ambitious of being allied to your
family, Mr Bramble, and I hope you will see no cause to interpose
your authority.' 'As for authority (said Tabby, interrupting him
with some warmth), I know of none that he has a right to use on
this occasion -- If I pay him the compliment of making him
acquainted with the step I intend to take, it is all he can
expect in reason -- This is as much as I believe he would do by me,
if he intended to change his own situation in life -- In a word,
brother, I am so sensible of Mr Barton's extra ordinary merit,
that I have been prevailed upon to alter my resolution of living
a single life, and to put my happiness in his hands, by vesting
him with a legal title to my person and fortune, such as they
are. The business at present, is to have the writings drawn; and
I shall be obliged to you, if you will recommend a lawyer to me
for that purpose'

You may guess what an effect this overture had upon me; who, from
the information of my nephew, expected that Barton was to make a
formal declaration of his passion for Liddy; I could not help
gazing in silent astonishment, alternately at Tabby, and her
supposed admirer, who last hung his head in the most aukward
confusion for a few minutes, and then retired on pretence of
being suddenly seized with a vertigo -- Mrs Tabitha affected much
concern, and would have had him make use of a bed in the house;
but he insisted upon going home, that he might have recourse of
some drops, which he kept for such emergencies, and his
innamorata acquiesced -- In the mean time I was exceedingly puzzled
at this adventure (though I suspected the truth) and did not know
in what manner to demean myself towards Mrs Tabitha, when Jery
came in and told me, he had just seen Mr Barton alight from his
chariot at lady Griskin's door -- This incident seemed to threaten
a visit from her ladyship, with which we were honoured
accordingly, in less than half an hour -- 'I find (said she) there
has been a match of cross purposes among you good folks; and I'm
come to set you to rights' -- So saying, she presented me with the
following billet


I no sooner recollected myself from the extreme confusion I was
thrown into, by that unlucky mistake of your sister, than I
thought it my duty to assure you, that my devoirs to Mrs Bramble
never exceeded the bounds of ordinary civility; and that my heart
is unalterably fixed upon Miss Liddy Melford, as I had the honour
to declare to her brother, when he questioned me upon that
subject -- Lady Griskin has been so good as to charge herself, not
only with the delivery of this note, but also with the task of
undeceiving Mrs Bramble, for whom I have the most profound
respect and veneration, though my affection being otherwise
engaged is no longer in the power of

Your very humble servant,

Having cast my eyes over this billet, I told her ladyship, that I
would no longer retard the friendly office she had undertaken:
and I and Jery forthwith retired into another room. There we soon
perceived the conversation grow very warm betwixt the two ladies;
and, at length, could distinctly hear certain terms of
altercation, which we could no longer delay interrupting, with
any regard to decorum. When we entered the scene of contention,
we found Liddy had joined the disputants, and stood trembling
betwixt them, as if she had been afraid they would have proceeded
to something more practical than words. Lady Griskin's face was
like the full moon in a storm of wind, glaring, fiery, and
portentous; while Tabby looked grim and ghastly, with an aspect
breathing discord and dismay. -- Our appearance put a stop to their
mutual revilings; but her ladyship turning to me, 'Cousin (said
she) I can't help saying I have met with a very ungrateful return
from this lady, for the pains I have taken to serve her family' --
'My family is much obliged to your ladyship (cried Tabby, with a
kind of hysterical giggle); but we have no right to the good
offices of such an honourable go-between.' 'But, for all that,
good Mrs Tabitha Bramble (resumed the other), I shall be content
with the reflection, That virtue is its own reward; and it shall
not be my fault, if you continue to make yourself ridiculous -- Mr
Bramble, who has no little interest of his own to serve, will, no
doubt, contribute all in his power to promote a match betwixt Mr
Barton and his niece, which will be equally honourable and
advantageous; and, I dare say, Miss Liddy herself will have no
objection to a measure so well calculated to make her happy in
life' -- 'I beg your ladyship's pardon (exclaimed Liddy, with great
vivacity) I have nothing but misery to expect from such a
measure; and I hope my guardians will have too much compassion,
to barter my peace of mind for any consideration of interest or
fortune' -- 'Upon my word, Miss Liddy! (said she) you have profited
by the example of your good aunt -- I comprehend your meaning, and
will explain it when I have a proper opportunity -- In the mean
time, I shall take my leave -- Madam, your most obedient, and
devoted humble servant,' said she, advancing close up to my
sister, and curtsying so low, that I thought she intended to
squat herself down on the floor -- This salutation Tabby returned
with equal solemnity; and the expression of the two faces, while
they continued in this attitude, would be no bad subject for a
pencil like that of the incomparable Hogarth, if any such should
ever appear again, in these times of dullness and degeneracy.

Jery accompanied her ladyship to her house, that he might have an
opportunity to restore the etuis to Barton, and advise him to
give up his suit, which was so disagreeable to his sister,
against whom, however, he returned much irritated -- Lady Griskin
had assured him that Liddy's heart was pre-occupied; and
immediately the idea of Wilson recurring to his imagination, his
family-pride took the alarm. He denounced vengeance against the
adventurer, and was disposed to be very peremptory with his
sister; but I desired he would suppress his resentment, until I
should have talked with her in private.

The poor girl, when I earnestly pressed her on this head, owned
with a flood of tears, that Wilson had actually come to the Hot
Well at Bristol, and even introduced himself into our lodgings as
a Jew pedlar; but that nothing had passed betwixt them, further
than her begging him to withdraw immediately, if he had any
regard for her peace of mind: that he had disappeared
accordingly, after having attempted to prevail upon my sister's
maid, to deliver a letter; which, however, she refused to
receive, though she had consented to carry a message, importing
that he was a gentleman of a good family; and that, in a very
little time, he would avow his passion in that character -- She
confessed, that although he had not kept his word in this
particular, he was not yet altogether indifferent to her
affection; but solemnly promised, she would never carry on any
correspondence with him, or any other admirer, for the future,
without the privity and approbation of her brother and me.

By this declaration, she made her own peace with Jery; but the
hot-headed boy is more than ever incensed against Wilson, whom he
now considers as an impostor, that harbours some infamous design
upon the honour of his family -- As for Barton he was not a little
mortified to find his present returned, and his addresses so
unfavourably received; but he is not a man to be deeply affected
by such disappointments; and I know not whether he is not as well
pleased with being discarded by Liddy, as he would have been with
a permission to prosecute his pretensions, at the risque of being
every day exposed to the revenge or machinations of Tabby, who is
not to be slighted with impunity. -- I had not much time to
moralize on these occurrences; for the house was visited by a
constable and his gang, with a warrant from Justice Buzzard, to
search the box of Humphry Clinker, my footman, -- who was just
apprehended as a highwayman. This incident threw the whole family
into confusion. My sister scolded the constable for presuming to
enter the lodgings of a gentleman on such an errand, without
having first asked, and obtained permission; her maid was
frightened into fits, and Liddy shed tears of compassion for the
unfortunate Clinker, in whose box, however, nothing was found to
confirm the suspicion of robbery.

For my own part, I made no doubt of the fellow's being mistaken
for some other person, and I went directly to the justice, in
order to procure his discharge; but there I found the matter much
more serious than I expected -- Poor Clinker stood trembling at the
bar, surrounded by thief-takers; and at a little distance, a
thick, squat fellow, a postilion, his accuser, who had seized him
on the street, and swore positively to his person, that the said
Clinker had, on the 15th day of March last, on Blackheath, robbed
a gentleman in a post-chaise, which he (the postilion) drove --
This deposition was sufficient to justify his commitment; and he
was sent accordingly to Clerkenwell prison, whither Jery
accompanied him in the coach, in order to recommend him properly
to the keeper, that he may want for no convenience which the
place affords.

The spectators, who assembled to see this highwayman, were
sagacious enough to discern something very villainous in his
aspect; which (begging their pardon) is the very picture of
simplicity; and the justice himself put a very unfavourable
construction upon some of his answers, which, he said, savoured
of the ambiguity and equivocation of an old offender; but, in my
opinion, it would have been more just and humane to impute them
to the confusion into which we may suppose a poor country lad to
be thrown on such an occasion. I am still persuaded he is
innocent; and, in this persuasion, I can do no less than use my
utmost endeavours that he may not be oppressed -- I shall, to-morrow,
send my nephew to wait on the gentleman who was robbed,
and beg; he will have the humanity to go and see the prisoner;
that, in case he should find him quite different from the person
of the highwayman, he may bear testimony in his behalf -- Howsoever
it may fare with Clinker, this cursed affair will be to me
productive of intolerable chagrin -- I have already caught a
dreadful cold, by rushing into the open air from the justice's
parlour, where I had been stewing in the crowd; and though I
should not be laid up with the gout, as I believe I shall, I must
stay at London for some weeks, till this poor devil comes to his
trial at Rochester; so that, in all probability, my northern
expedition is blown up.

If you can find any thing in your philosophical budget, to
console me in the midst of these distresses and apprehensions,
pray let it be communicated to

Your unfortunate friend,
LONDON, June 12.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.


The farce is finished, and another piece of a graver cast brought
upon the stage. -- Our aunt made a desperate attack upon Barton,
who had no other way of saving himself, but by leaving her in
possession of the field, and avowing his pretensions to Liddy, by
whom he has been rejected in his turn. -- Lady Griskin acted as his
advocate and agent on this occasion, with such zeal as embroiled
her with Mrs Tabitha, and a high scene of altercation passed
betwixt these two religionists, which might have come to action,
had not my uncle interposed. They are however reconciled, in
consequence of an event which hath involved us all in trouble and
disquiet. You must know, the poor preacher, Humphry Clinker, is
now exercising his ministry among the felons in Clerkenwell
prison -- A postilion having sworn a robbery against him, no bail
could be taken, and he was committed to jail, notwithstanding all
the remonstrances and interest my uncle could make in his behalf.

All things considered, the poor fellow cannot possibly be guilty,
and yet, I believe, he runs some risque of being hanged. Upon his
examination, he answered with such hesitation and reserve as
persuaded most of the people, who crowded the place, that he was
really a knave, and the justice's remarks confirmed their
opinion. Exclusive of my uncle and myself, there was only one
person who seemed inclined to favour the culprit. -- He was a young
man, well dressed, and, from the manner in which he cross-examined
the evidence, we took it for granted, that he was a
student in one of the inns of court. -- He freely checked the
justice for some uncharitable inferences he made to the prejudice
of the prisoner, and even ventured to dispute with his worship on
certain points of law.

My uncle, provoked at the unconnected and dubious answers of
Clinker, who seemed in danger of falling a sacrifice to his own
simplicity, exclaimed, 'In the name of God, if you are innocent,
say so.' 'No (cried he) God forbid that I should call myself
innocent, while my conscience is burthened with sin.' 'What then,
you did commit this robbery?' resumed his master. 'No, sure (said
he) blessed be the Lord, I'm free of that guilt.'

Here the justice interposed, observing, that the man seemed
inclined to make a discovery by turning king's evidence, and
desired the clerk to take his confession; upon which Humphry
declared, that he looked upon confession to be a popish fraud,
invented by the whore of Babylon. The Templar affirmed, that the
poor fellow was non compos; and exhorted the justice to discharge
him as a lunatic. -- 'You know very well (added he) that the
robbery in question was not committed by the prisoner.'

The thief-takers grinned at one another; and Mr Justice Buzzard
replied with great emotion, 'Mr Martin, I desire you will mind
your own business; I shall convince you one of these days that I
understand mine.' In short, there was no remedy; the mittimus was
made out, and poor Clinker sent to prison in a hackney-coach,
guarded by the constable, and accompanied by your humble servant.
By the way, I was not a little surprised to hear this retainer to
justice bid the prisoner to keep up his spirits, for that he did
not at all doubt but that he would get off for a few weeks
confinement -- He said, his worship knew very well that Clinker was
innocent of the fact, and that the real highwayman who robbed the
chaise, was no other than that very individual Mr Martin, who had
pleaded so strenuously for honest Humphry.

Confounded at this information, I asked, 'Why then is he suffered
to go about at his liberty, and this poor innocent fellow treated
as a malefactor?' 'We have exact intelligence of all Mr Martin's
transactions (said he); but as yet there is not evidence
sufficient for his conviction; and as for this young man, the
justice could do no less than commit him, as the postilion swore
point-blank to his identity.' 'So if this rascally postilion
should persist in the falsity to which he is sworn (said I), this
innocent lad may be brought to the gallows.'

The constable observed, that he would have time enough to prepare
for his trial, and might prove an alibi; or, perhaps, Martin
might be apprehended and convicted for another fact; in which
case, he might be prevailed upon to take this affair upon
himself; or, finally, if these chances should fail, and the
evidence stand good against Clinker, the jury might recommend him
to mercy, in consideration of his youth, especially if this
should appear to be the first fact of which he had been guilty.

Humphry owned he could not pretend to recollect where he had been
on the day when the robbery was committed, much less prove a
circumstance of that kind so far back as six months, though he
knew he had been sick of the fever and ague, which, however, did
not prevent him from going about -- then, turning up his eyes, he
ejaculated, 'The Lord's will be done! if it be my fate to suffer,
I hope I shall not disgrace the faith of which, though unworthy,
I make profession.'

When I expressed my surprize that the accuser should persist in
charging Clinker, without taking the least notice of the real
robber who stood before him, and to whom, indeed, Humphry bore
not the smallest resemblance; the constable (who was himself a
thief-taker) gave me to understand, that Mr Martin was the best
qualified for business of all the gentlemen on the road he had
ever known; that he had always acted on his own bottom, without
partner or correspondent, and never went to work but when he was
cool and sober; that his courage and presence of mind never
failed him; that his address was genteel, and his behaviour void
of all cruelty and insolence; that he never encumbered himself
with watches or trinkets, nor even with bank-notes, but always
dealt for ready money, and that in the current coin of the
kingdom; and that he could disguise himself and his horse in such
a manner, that, after the action, it was impossible to recognize
either the one or the other -- 'This great man (said he) has
reigned paramount in all the roads within fifty miles of London
above fifteen months, and has done more business in that time,
than all the rest of the profession put together; for those who
pass through his hands are so delicately dealt with, that they
have no desire to give him the least disturbance; but for all
that, his race is almost run -- he is now fluttering about justice,
like a moth about a candle -- there are so many lime-twigs laid in
his way, that I'll bet a cool hundred, he swings before

Shall I own to you, that this portrait, drawn by a ruffian,
heightened by what I myself had observed in his deportment, has
interested me warmly in the fate of poor Martin, whom nature
seems to have intended for a useful and honourable member of that
community upon which he now preys for subsistence? It seems, he
lived some time as a clerk to a timber-merchant, whose daughter
Martin having privately married, was discarded, and his wife
turned out of doors. She did not long survive her marriage; and
Martin, turning fortune-hunter, could not supply his occasions
any other way, than by taking to the road, in which he has
travelled hitherto with uncommon success. -- He pays his respects
regularly to Mr Justice Buzzard, the thief-catcher-general of
this metropolis, and sometimes they smoke a pipe together very
lovingly, when the conversation generally turns upon the nature
of evidence. -- The justice has given him fair warning to take care
of himself, and he has received his caution in good part. --
Hitherto he has baffled all the vigilance, art, and activity of
Buzzard and his emissaries, with such conduct as would have done
honour to the genius of a Caesar or a Turenne; but he has one
weakness, which has proved fatal to all the heroes of his tribe,
namely, an indiscreet devotion to the fair sex, and in all
probability, he will be attacked on this defenceless quarter.

Be that as it may, I saw the body of poor Clinker consigned to
the gaoler of Clerkenwell, to whose indulgence I recommended him
so effectually, that he received him in the most hospitable
manner, though there was a necessity for equipping him with a
suit of irons, in which he made a very rueful appearance. The
poor creature seemed as much affected by my uncle's kindness, as
by his own misfortune. When I assured him, that nothing should be
left undone for procuring his enlargement, and making his
confinement easy in the mean time, he fell down on his knees, and
kissing my hand, which he bathed with his tears, '0 'squire!
(cried he, sobbing) what shall I say? -- I can't -- no, I can't
speak -- my poor heart is bursting with gratitude to you and my
dear -- dear generous -- noble benefactor.'

I protest, the scene became so pathetic, that I was fain to force
myself away, and returned to my uncle, who sent me in the
afternoon with a compliment to one Mr Mead, the person who had
been robbed on Black-heath. As I did not find him at home, I left
a message, in consequence of which he called at our lodgings this
morning, and very humanely agreed to visit the prisoner. By this
time, lady Griskin had come to make her formal compliments of
condolance to Mrs Tabitha, on this domestic calamity; and that
prudent maiden, whose passion was now cooled, thought proper to
receive her ladyship so civilly, that a reconciliation
immediately ensued. These two ladies resolved to comfort the poor
prisoner in their own persons, and Mr Mead and I 'squired them to
Clerkenwell, my uncle being detained at home by some slight
complaints in his stomach and bowels.

The turnkey, who received us at Clerkenwell, looked remarkably
sullen; and when we enquired for Clinker, 'I don't care, if the
devil had him (said he); here has been nothing but canting and
praying since the fellow entered the place. -- Rabbit him! the tap
will be ruined -- we han't sold a cask of beer, nor a dozen of
wine, since he paid his garnish -- the gentlemen get drunk with
nothing but your damned religion. -- For my part, I believe as how
your man deals with the devil. -- Two or three as bold hearts as
ever took the air upon Hounslow have been blubbering all night;
and if the fellow an't speedily removed by Habeas Corpus, or
otherwise, I'll be damn'd if there's a grain of true spirit left
within these walls we shan't have a soul to do credit to the
place, or make his exit like a true born Englishman -- damn my
eyes! there will be nothing but snivelling in the cart -- we shall
all die like so many psalm-singing weavers.'

In short, we found that Humphry was, at that very instant,
haranguing the felons in the chapel; and that the gaoler's wife
and daughter, together with my aunt's woman, Win Jenkins, and
our house-maid, were among the audience, which we immediately
joined. I never saw any thing so strongly picturesque as this
congregation of felons clanking their chains, in the midst of
whom stood orator Clinker, expatiating in a transport of fervor,
on the torments of hell, denounced in scripture against evil-doers,
comprehending murderers, robbers, thieves, and whore
mongers. The variety of attention exhibited in the faces of those
ragamuffins, formed a groupe that would not have disgraced the
pencil of a Raphael. In one, it denoted admiration; in another,
doubt; in a third, disdain; in a fourth, contempt; in a fifth,
terror; in a sixth, derision; and in a seventh, indignation. -- As
for Mrs Winifred Jenkins, she was in tears, overwhelmed with
sorrow; but whether for her own sins, or the misfortune of
Clinker, I cannot pretend to say. The other females seemed to
listen with a mixture of wonder and devotion. The gaoler's wife
declared he was a saint in trouble, saying, she wished from her
heart there was such another good soul, like him, in every gaol
in England.

Mr Mead, having earnestly surveyed the preacher, declared his
appearance was so different from that of the person who robbed
him on Black-heath, that he could freely make oath he was not the
man: but Humphry himself was by this time pretty well rid of all
apprehensions of being hanged; for he had been the night before
solemnly tried and acquitted by his fellow prisoners, some of
whom he had already converted to methodism. He now made proper
acknowledgments for the honour of our visit, and was permitted to
kiss the hands of the ladies, who assured him, he might depend
upon their friendship and protection. Lady Griskin, in her great
zeal, exhorted his fellow-prisoners to profit by the precious
opportunity of having such a saint in bonds among them, and turn
over a new leaf for the benefit of their poor souls; and, that
her admonition might have the greater effect, she reinforced it
with her bounty.

While she and Mrs Tabby returned in the coach with the two
maidservants, I waited on Mr Mead to the house of justice
Buzzard, who, having heard his declaration, said his oath could
be of no use at present, but that he would be a material evidence
for the prisoner at his trial; so that there seems to be no
remedy but patience for poor Clinker; and, indeed, the same
virtue, or medicine, will be necessary for us all, the squire in
particular, who had set his heart upon his excursion to the

While we were visiting honest Humphry in Clerkenwell prison, my
uncle received a much more extraordinary visit at his own
lodgings. Mr Martin, of whom I have made such honourable mention,
desired permission to pay him his respects, and was admitted
accordingly. He told him, that having observed him, at Mr
Buzzard's, a good deal disturbed by what had happened to his
servant, he had come to assure him he had nothing to apprehend
for Clinker's life; for, if it was possible that any jury could
find him guilty upon such evidence, he, Martin himself, would
produce in court a person, whose deposition would bring him off
clear as the sun at noon. -- Sure, the fellow would not be so
romantic as to take the robbery upon himself! -- He said, the
postilion was an infamous fellow, who had been a dabbler in the
same profession, and saved his life at the Old Bailey by
impeaching his companions; that being now reduced to great
poverty, he had made this desperate push, to swear away the life
of an innocent man, in hopes of having the reward upon his
conviction; but that he would find himself miserably
disappointed, for the justice and his myrmidons were determined
to admit of no interloper in this branch of business; and that he
did not at all doubt but that they would find matter enough to
shop the evidence himself before the next gaol-delivery. He
affirmed, that all these circumstances were well known to the
justice; and that his severity to Clinker was no other than a
hint to his master to make him a present in private, as an
acknowledgment of his candour and humanity.

This hint, however, was so unpalatable to Mr Bramble, that he
declared, with great warmth, he would rather confine himself for
life to London, which he detested, than be at liberty to leave it
tomorrow, in consequence of encouraging corruption in a
magistrate. Hearing, however, how favourable Mr Mead's report had
been for the prisoner, he is resolved to take the advice of
counsel in what manner to proceed for his immediate enlargement.
I make no doubt, but that in a day or two this troublesome
business may be discussed; and in this hope we are preparing for
our journey. If our endeavours do not miscarry, we shall have
taken the field before you hear again from

LONDON, June 11


Thank Heaven! dear Lewis, the clouds are dispersed, and I have
now the clearest prospect of my summer campaign, which, I hope, I
shall be able to begin to-morrow. I took the advice of counsel
with respect to the case of Clinker, in whose favour a lucky
incident has intervened. The fellow who accused him, has had his
own battery turned upon himself. -- Two days ago he was apprehended
for a robbery on the highway, and committed, on the evidence of
an accomplice. Clinker, having moved for a writ of habeas corpus,
was brought before the lord chief justice, who, in consequence of
an affidavit of the gentleman who had been robbed, importing that
the said Clinker was not the person who stopped him on the
highway, as well as in consideration of the postilion's character
and present circumstances, was pleased to order, that my servant
should be admitted to bail, and he has been discharged
accordingly, to the unspeakable satisfaction of our whole family,
to which he has recommended himself in an extraordinary manner,
not only by his obliging deportment, but by his talents of
preaching, praying, and singing psalms, which he has exercised
with such effect, that even Tabby respects him as a chosen
vessel. If there was any thing like affectation or hypocrisy in
this excess of religion, I would not keep him in my service, but,
so far as I can observe, the fellow's character is downright
simplicity, warmed with a kind of enthusiasm, which renders him
very susceptible of gratitude and attachment to his benefactors.

As he is an excellent horseman, and understands farriery, I have
bought a stout gelding for his use, that he may attend us on the
road, and have an eye to our cattle, in case the coachman should
not mind his business. My nephew, who is to ride his own saddle-horse,
has taken, upon trial, a servant just come from abroad
with his former master, Sir William Strollop, who vouches for his
honesty. The fellow, whose name is Dutton, seems to be a petit
maitre. -- He has got a smattering of French, bows, and grins, and
shrugs, and takes snuff a la mode de France, but values himself
chiefly upon his skill and dexterity in hair-dressing. -- If I am
not much deceived by appearance, he is, in all respects, the very
contrast of Humphry Clinker.

My sister has made up matters with lady Griskin; though, I must
own, I should not have been sorry to see that connexion entirely
destroyed: but Tabby is not of a disposition to forgive Barton,
who, I understand, is gone to his seat in Berkshire for the
summer season. I cannot help suspecting, that in the treaty of
peace, which has been lately ratified betwixt those two females,
it is stipulated, that her ladyship shall use her best endeavours
to provide an agreeable help-mate for our sister Tabitha, who
seems to be quite desperate in her matrimonial designs. Perhaps,
the match-maker is to have a valuable consideration in the way of
brokerage, which she will most certainly deserve, if she can find
any man in his senses, who will yoke with Mrs Bramble from
motives of affection or interest.

I find my spirits and my health affect each other reciprocally
that is to say, every thing that discomposes my mind, produces a
correspondent disorder in my body; and my bodily complaints are
remarkably mitigated by those considerations that dissipate the
clouds of mental chagrin. -- The imprisonment of Clinker brought on
those symptoms which I mentioned in my last, and now they are
vanished at his discharge. -- It must be owned, indeed, I took some
of the tincture of ginseng, prepared according to your
prescription, and found it exceedingly grateful to the stomach;
but the pain and sickness continued to return, after short
intervals, till the anxiety of my mind was entirely removed, and
then I found myself perfectly at case. We have had fair weather
these ten days, to the astonishment of the Londoners, who think
it portentous. If you enjoy the same indulgence in Wales, I hope
Barns has got my hay made, and safe cocked by this time. As we
shall be in motion for some weeks, I cannot expect to hear from
you as usual; but I shall continue to write from every place at
which we make any halt, that you may know our track, in case it
should be necessary to communicate any thing to

Your assured friend,
LONDON, June 14.

To Mrs MARY JONES, at Brambleton-hall, &c.


Having the occasion of my cousin Jenkins of Aberga'ny, I send
you, as a token, a turkey-shell comb, a kiple of yards of green
ribbon, and a sarment upon the nothingness of good works, which
was preached in the Tabernacle; and you will also receive a horn-buck
for Saul, whereby she may learn her letters; for Fin much
consarned about the state of her poor sole -- and what are all the
pursuits of this life to the consarns of that immortal part? --
What is life but a veil of affliction? O Mary! the whole family
have been in such a constipation! -- Mr Clinker has been in
trouble, but the gates of hell have not been able to prevail
again him. His virtue is like poor gould, seven times tried in
the fire. He was tuck up for a rubbery, and had before gustass
Busshard, who made his mittamouse; and the pore youth was sent to
prison upon the false oaf of a willian, that wanted to sware his
life away for the looker of cain.

The 'squire did all in his power, but could not prevent his being
put in chains, and confined among common manufactors, where he
stood like an innocent sheep in the midst of wolves and tygers. --
Lord knows what mought have happened to this pyehouse young man,
if master had not applied to Apias Korkus, who lives with the
ould bailiff, and is, they say, five hundred years old (God bless
us!), and a congeror: but, if he be, sure I am he don't deal with
the devil, otherwise he couldn't have fought out Mr Clinker, as
he did, in spite of stone walls, iron bolts, and double locks,
that flew open at his command; for ould Scratch has not a greater
enemy upon hearth than Mr Clinker, who is, indeed, a very
powerful labourer in the Lord's vineyard. I do no more than yuse
the words of my good lady, who has got the infectual calling;
and, I trust, that even myself, though unworthy, shall find
grease to be excepted. -- Miss Liddy has been touch'd to the quick,
but is a little timorsome: howsomever, I make no doubt, but she,
and all of us, will be brought, by the endeavours of Mr Clinker,
to produce blessed fruit of generation and repentance. -- As for
master and the young 'squire, they have as yet had narro glimpse
of the new light. -- I doubt as how their harts are hardened by
worldly wisdom, which, as the pyebill saith, is foolishness in
the sight of God.

O Mary Jones, pray without seizing for grease to prepare you for
the operations of this wonderful instrument, which, I hope, will
be exorcised this winter upon you and others at Brambleton-hall. --
Tomorrow, we are to set out in a cox and four for Yorkshire;
and, I believe, we shall travel that way far, and far, and
farther than I can tell; but I shan't go so far as to forget my
friends; and Mary Jones will always be remembered as one of them
by her

Humble sarvant,
LONDON, June 14.

To Mrs GWYLLIM, house-keeper at Brambleton-hall.

I can't help thinking it very strange, that I never had an answer
to the letter I wrote you some weeks ago from Bath, concerning
the sour bear, the gander, and the maids eating butter, which I
won't allow to be wasted. -- We are now going upon a long journey
to the north, whereby I desire you will redouble your care and
circumflexion, that the family may be well managed in our
absence; for, you know, you must render account, not only to your
earthly master, but also to him that is above; and if you are
found a good and faithful sarvant, great will be your reward in
haven. I hope there will be twenty stun of cheese ready for
market -- by the time I get huom, and as much owl spun, as will
make half a dozen pair of blankets; and that the savings of the
butter-milk will fetch me a good penny before Martinmass, as the
two pigs are to be fed for baking with bitchmast and acrons.

I wrote to doctor Lews for the same porpuss, but he never had the
good manners to take the least notice of my letter; for which
reason, I shall never favour him with another, though he beshits
me on his bended knees. You will do well to keep a watchful eye
over the hind Villiams, who is one of his amissories, and, I
believe, no better than he should be at bottom. God forbid that I
should lack christian charity; but charity begins at huom, and
sure nothing can be a more charitable work than to rid the family
of such vermine. I do suppose, that the bindled cow has been had
to the parson's bull, that old Moll has had another litter of
pigs, and that Dick is become a mighty mouser. Pray order every
thing for the best, and be frugal, and keep the maids to their
labour -- If I had a private opportunity, I would send them some
hymns to sing instead of profane ballads; but, as I can't, they
and you must be contented with the prayers of

Your assured friend,
LONDON, June 14.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.


The very day after I wrote my last, Clinker was set at liberty. As
Martin had foretold, the accuser was himself committed for a
robbery, upon unquestionable evidence. He had been for some time
in the snares of the thief-taking society; who, resenting his
presumption in attempting to incroach upon their monopoly of
impeachment, had him taken up and committed to Newgate, on the
deposition of an accomplice, who has been admitted as evidence
for the king. The postilion being upon record as an old offender,
the chief justice made no scruple of admitting Clinker to bail,
when he perused the affidavit of Mr Mead, importing that the said
Clinker was not the person that robbed him on Blackheath; and
honest Humphry was discharged. When he came home, he expressed
great eagerness to pay his respects to his master, and here his
elocution failed him, but his silence was pathetic; he fell down
at his feet and embraced his knees, shedding a flood of tears,
which my uncle did not see without emotion. He took snuff in some
confusion; and, putting his hand in his pocket, gave him his
blessing in something more substantial than words -- 'Clinker (said
he), I am so well convinced, both of your honesty and courage,
that I am resolved to make you my life-guardman on the highway.'

He was accordingly provided with a case of pistols, and a carbine
to be flung a-cross his shoulders; and every other preparation
being made, we set out last Thursday, at seven in the morning; my
uncle, with the three women in the coach; Humphry, well mounted
on a black gelding bought for his use; myself a-horseback,
attended by my new valet, Mr Dutton, an exceeding coxcomb, fresh
from his travels, whom I have taken upon trial -- The fellow wears
a solitaire, uses paint, and takes rappee with all the grimace of
a French marquis. At present, however, he is in a ridingdress,
jack-boots, leather breeches, a scarlet waistcoat, with gold
binding, a laced hat, a hanger, a French posting-whip in his
hand, and his hair en queue.

Before we had gone nine miles, my horse lost one of his shoes; so
that I was obliged to stop at Barnet to have another, while the
coach proceeded at an easy pace over the common. About a mile
short of Hatfield, the postilions, stopping the carriage, gave
notice to Clinker that there were two suspicious fellows a-horseback,
at the end of a lane, who semed waiting to attack the
coach. Humphry forthwith apprised my uncle, declaring he would
stand by him to the last drop of his blood; and unflinging his
carbine, prepared for action. The 'squire had pistols in the
pockets of the coach, and resolved to make use of them directly;
but he was effectually prevented by his female companions, who
flung themselves about his neck, and screamed in concert -- At that
instant, who should come up at a hand-gallop, but Martin, the
highway-man, who, advancing to the coach, begged the ladies would
compose themselves for a moment then, desiring Clinker to follow
him to the charge, he pulled a pistol out of his bosom, and they
rode up together to give battle to the rogues, who, having fired
at a great distance, fled across the common. They were in pursuit
of the fugitives when I came up, not a little alarmed at the
shrieks in the coach, where I found my uncle in a violent rage,
without his periwig, struggling to disentangle himself from Tabby
and the other two, and swearing with great vociferation. Before I
had time to interpose, Martin and Clinker returned from the
pursuit, and the former payed his compliments with great
politeness, giving us to understand, that the fellows had
scampered off, and that he believed they were a couple of raw
'prentices from London. He commended Clinker for his courage, and
said, if we would give him leave, he would have the honour to
accompany us as far as Stevenage, where he had some business.

The 'squire, having recollected and adjusted himself, was the
first to laugh at his own situation: but it was not without
difficulty, that Tabby's arms could be untwisted from his neck;
Liddy's teeth chattered, and Jenkins was threatened with a fit as
usual. I had communicated to my uncle the character of Martin, as
it was described by the constable, and he was much struck with
its singularity -- He could not suppose the fellow had any design
on our company, which was so numerous and well armed; he
therefore thanked him, for the service he had just done them,
said he would be glad of his company, and asked him to dine with
us at Hatfield. This invitation might not have been agreeable to
the ladies, had they known the real profession of our guest, but
this was a secret to all, except my uncle and myself. Mrs Tabitha,
however, would by no means consent to proceed with a case of
loaded pistols in the coach, and they were forthwith discharged
in complaisance to her and the rest of the women.

Being gratified in this particular, she became remarkably
goodhumoured, and at dinner behaved in the most affable manner to
Mr Martin, with whose polite address and agreeable conversation
she seemed to be much taken. After dinner, the landlord accosting
me in the yard, asked with a significant look, if the gentleman
that rode the sorrel belonged to our company? -- I understand his
meaning, but answered no; that he had come up with us on the
common, and helped us to drive away two fellows, that looked like
highwaymen -- He nodded three times distinctly, as much as to say,
he knows his cue. Then he inquired, if one of those men was
mounted on a bay mare, and the other on a chestnut gelding with a
white streak down his forehead? and being answered in the
affirmative, he assured me they had robbed three post-chaises
this very morning -- I inquired, in my turn, if Mr Martin was of
his acquaintance; and, nodding thrice again, he answered, that he
had seen the gentleman.

Before we left Hatfield, my uncle, fixing his eyes on Martin with
such expression as is more easily conceived than described,
asked, if he often travelled that road? and he replied with a
look which denoted his understanding the question, that he very
seldom did business in that part of the country. In a word, this
adventurer favoured us with his company to the neighbourhood of
Stevenage, where he took his leave of the coach and me, in very
polite terms, and turned off upon a crossroad, that led to a
village on the left -- At supper, Mrs Tabby was very full in the
praise of Mr Martin's good-sense and good-breeding, and seemed to
regret that she had not a further opportunity to make some
experiment upon his affection. In the morning, my uncle was not a
little surprised to receive, from the waiter a billet couched in
these words --


I could easily perceive from your looks, when I had the honour to
converse with you at Hatfield, that my character is not unknown
to you; and, I dare say you won't think it strange, that I should
be glad to change my present way of life, for any other honest
occupation, let it be ever so humble, that will afford me bread
in moderation, and sleep in safety -- Perhaps you may think I
flatter, when I say, that from the moment I was witness to your
generous concern in the cause of your servant, I conceived a
particular esteem and veneration for your person; and yet what I
say is true. I should think myself happy, if I could be admitted
into your protection and service, as house-steward, clerk,
butler, or bailiff, for either of which places I think myself
tolerably well qualified; and, sure I am, I should not be found
deficient in gratitude and fidelity -- At the same time, I am very
sensible how much you must deviate from the common maxims of
discretion, even in putting my professions to the trial; but I
don't look upon you as a person that thinks in the ordinary
stile; and the delicacy of my situation, will, I know, justify
this address to a heart warmed with beneficence and compassion --
Understanding you are going pretty far north, I shall take an
opportunity to throw myself in your way again, before you reach
the borders of Scotland; and, I hope, by that time, you will have
taken into consideration, the truly distressful case of,

honoured sir,
your very humble, and devoted servant,

The 'squire, having perused this letter, put it into my hand,
without saying a syllable; and when I had read it we looked at
each other in silence. From a certain sparkling in his eyes, I
discovered there was more in his heart, than he cared to express
with his tongue, in favour of poor Martin; and this was precisely
my own feeling, which he did not fail to discern, by the same
means of communication -- 'What shall we do (said he) to save this
poor sinner from the gallows, and make him a useful member of the
commonwealth; and yet the proverb says, Save a thief from the
gallows, and he'll cut your throat.' I told him I really believed
Martin was capable of giving the proverb the lie; and that I
should heartily concur in any step he might take in favour of his
solicitation. We mutually resolved to deliberate upon the
subject, and, in the mean time, proceeded on our journey. The
roads, having been broken up by the heavy rains in the spring,
were so rough, that although we travelled very slowly, the
jolting occasioned such pain, to my uncle, that he was become
exceedingly peevish when we arrived at this place, which lies
about eight miles from the postroad, between Wetherby and

Harrigate-water, so celebrated for its efficacy in the scurvy and
other distempers, is supplied from a copious spring, in the
hollow of a wild common, round which, a good many houses have
been built for the convenience of the drinkers, though few of
them are inhabited. Most of the company lodge at some distance,
in five separate inns, situated in different parts of the
commons, from whence they go every morning to the well, in their
own carriages. The lodgers of each inn form a distinct society,
that eat together; and there is a commodious public room, where
they breakfast in disabille, at separate tables, from eight
o'clock till eleven, as they chance or chuse to come in -- Here
also they drink tea in the afternoon, and play at cards or dance
in the evening. One custom, however, prevails, which I looked
upon as a solecism in politeness. The ladies treat with tea in
their turns; and even girls of sixteen are not exempted from this
shameful imposition -- There is a public ball by subscription every
night at one of the houses, to which all the company from the
others are admitted by tickets; and, indeed, Harrigate treads
upon the heels of Bath, in the articles of gaiety and
dissipation -- with this difference, however, that here we are more
sociable and familiar. One of the inns is already full up to the
very garrets, having no less than fifty lodgers, and as many
servants. Our family does not exceed thirty-six; and I should be
sorry to see the number augmented, as our accommodations won't
admit of much increase.

At present, the company is more agreeable than one could expect
from an accidental assemblage of persons, who are utter strangers
to one another -- There seems to be a general disposition among us
to maintain good-fellowship, and promote the purposes of
humanity, in favour of those who come hither on the score of
health. I see several faces which we left at Bath, although the
majority are of the Northern counties, and many come from
Scotland for the benefit of these waters -- In such a variety,
there must be some originals, among whom Mrs Tabitha Bramble is
not the most inconsiderable -- No place where there is such an
intercourse between the sexes, can be disagreeable to a lady of
her views and temperament -- She has had some warm disputes at
table, with a lame parson from Northumberland, on the new birth,
and the insignificance of moral virtue; and her arguments have
been reinforced by an old Scotch lawyer, in a rye periwig, who,
though he has lost his teeth, and the use of his limbs, can still
wag his tongue with great volubility. He has paid her such
fulsome compliments, upon her piety and learning, as seem to have
won her heart; and she, in her turn, treats him with such
attention as indicates a design upon his person; but, by all
accounts, he is too much of a fox to be inveigled into any snare
that she can lay for his affection.

We do not propose to stay long at Harrigate, though, at present,
it is our headquarters, from whence we shall make some
excursions, to visit two or three of our rich relations, who are
settled in this country. -- Pray, remember me to all our friends of
Jesus, and allow me to be still

Yours affectionately,



Considering the tax we pay for turnpikes, the roads of this
county constitute a most intolerable grievance. Between Newark
and Weatherby, I have suffered more from jolting and swinging
than ever I felt in the whole course of my life, although the
carriage is remarkably commodious and well hung, and the
postilions were very careful in driving. I am now safely housed
at the New Inn, at Harrigate, whither I came to satisfy my
curiosity, rather than with any view of advantage to my health;
and, truly, after having considered all the parts and particulars
of the place, I cannot account for the concourse of people one
finds here, upon any other principle but that of caprice, which
seems to be the character of our nation.

Harrigate is a wild common, bare and bleak, without tree or
shrub, or the least signs of cultivation; and the people who
come to drink the water, are crowded together in paltry inns,
where the few tolerable rooms are monopolized by the friends and
favourites of the house, and all the rest of the lodgers are
obliged to put up with dirty holes, where there is neither space,
air, nor convenience. My apartment is about ten feet square; and
when the folding bed is down, there is just room sufficient to
pass between it and the fire. One might expect, indeed, that
there would be no occasion for a fire at Midsummer; but here the
climate is so backward, that an ash tree, which our landlord
has planted before my window, is just beginning to put forth its
leaves; and I am fain to have my bed warmed every night.

As for the water, which is said to have effected so many
surprising cures, I have drank it once, and the first draught has
cured me of all desire to repeat the medicine. -- Some people say
it smells of rotten eggs, and others compare it to the scourings
of a foul gun. -- It is generally supposed to be strongly
impregnated with sulphur; and Dr Shaw, in his book upon mineral
water, says, he has seen flakes of sulphur floating in the well --
Pace tanti viri; I, for my part, have never observed any thing
like sulphur, either in or about the well, neither do I find that
any brimstone has ever been extracted from the water. As for the
smell, if I may be allowed to judge from my own organs, it is
exactly that of bilge-water; and the saline taste of it seems to
declare that it is nothing else than salt water putrified in the
bowels of the earth. I was obliged to hold my nose with one hand,
while I advanced the glass to my mouth with the other; and after
I had made shift to swallow it, my stomach could hardly retain
what it had received. -- The only effects it produced were
sickness, griping, and insurmountable disgust. -- I can hardly
mention it without puking. -- The world is strangely misled by the
affectation of singularity. I cannot help suspecting, that this
water owes its reputation in a great measure to its being so
strikingly offensive. -- On the same kind of analogy, a German
doctor has introduced hemlock and other poisons, as specifics,
into the materia medica. -- I am persuaded, that all the cures
ascribed to the Harrigate water, would have been as
efficaciously, and infinitely more agreeably performed, by the
internal and external use of seawater. Sure I am, this last is
much less nauseous to the taste and smell, and much more gentle
in its operation as a purge, as well as more extensive in its
medical qualities.

Two days ago we went across the country to visit 'squire Burdock,
who married a first cousin of my father, an heiress, who brought
him an estate of a thousand a-year. This gentleman is a declared
opponent of the ministry in parliament; and having an opulent
fortune, piques himself upon living in the country, and
maintaining old English hospitality -- By the bye, this is a phrase
very much used by the English themselves both in words and
writing; but I never heard of it out of the island, except by way
of irony and sarcasm. What the hospitality of our forefathers has
been I should be glad to see recorded, rather in the memoirs of
strangers who have visited our country, and were the proper
objects and judges of such hospitality, than in the discourse and
lucubrations of the modern English, who seem to describe it from
theory and conjecture. Certain it is, we are generally looked
upon by foreigners, as a people totally destitute of this virtue;
and I never was in any country abroad, where I did not meet with
persons of distinction, who complained of having been
inhospitably used in Great Britain. A gentleman of France, Italy,
or Germany, who has entertained and lodged an Englishman at his
house, when he afterwards meets with his guest at London, is
asked to dinner at the Saracen's-head, the Turk's-head, the
Boar's-head, or the Bear, eats raw beef and butter, drinks
execrable port, and is allowed to pay his share of the reckoning.

But to return from this digression, which my feeling for the
honour of my country obliged me to make -- our Yorkshire cousin has
been a mighty fox-hunter before the Lord; but now he is too fat
and unwieldy to leap ditches and five-bar gates; nevertheless, he
still keeps a pack of hounds, which are well exercised; and his
huntsman every night entertains him with the adventures of the
day's chace, which he recites in a tone and terms that are
extremely curious and significant. In the mean time, his broad
brawn is scratched by one of his grooms. -- This fellow, it
seems, having no inclination to curry any beast out of the
stable, was at great pains to scollop his nails in such a manner
that the blood followed at every stroke. -- He was in hopes that he
would be dismissed from this disagreeable office, but the event
turned out contrary to his expectation. -- His master declared he
was the best scratcher in the family; and now he will not suffer
any other servant to draw a nail upon his carcase.

The 'squire's lady is very proud, without being stiff or
inaccessible. She receives even her inferiors in point of fortune
with a kind of arrogant civility; but then she thinks she has a
right to treat them with the most ungracious freedoms of speech,
and never fails to let them know she is sensible of her own
superior affluence. In a word, she speaks well of no living soul,
and has not one single friend in the world. Her husband hates her
mortally; but, although the brute is sometimes so very powerful
in him that he will have his own way, he generally truckles to
her dominion, and dreads, like a school-boy, the lash of her
tongue. On the other hand, she is afraid of provoking him too
far, lest he should make some desperate effort to shake off her
yoke. -- She, therefore, acquiesces in the proofs he daily gives of
his attachment to the liberty of an English freeholder, by saying
and doing, at his own table, whatever gratifies the brutality of
his disposition, or contributes to the case of his person. The
house, though large, is neither elegant nor comfortable. -- It
looks like a great inn, crowded with travellers, who dine at the
landlord's ordinary, where there is a great profusion of victuals
and drink, but mine host seems to be misplaced; and I would
rather dine upon filberts with a hermit, than feed upon venison
with a hog. The footmen might be aptly compared to the waiters of
a tavern, if they were more serviceable and less rapacious; but
they are generally insolent and inattentive, and so greedy, that,
I think, I can dine better, and for less expence, at the Star and
Garter in Pall mall, than at our cousin's castle in Yorkshire.
The 'squire is not only accommodated with a wife, but he is also
blessed with an only son, about two and twenty, just returned
from Italy, a complete fidler and dillettante; and he slips no
opportunity of manifesting the most perfect contempt for his own

When we arrived, there was a family of foreigners at the house,
on a visit to this virtuoso, with whom they had been acquainted
at the Spa; it was the count de Melville, with his lady, on their
way to Scotland. Mr Burdock had met with an accident, in
consequence of which both the count and I would have retired but
the young gentleman and his mother insisted upon our staying
dinner; and their serenity seemed to be so little ruffled by what
had happened, that we complied with their invitation. The 'squire
had been brought home over night in his post-chaise, so terribly
belaboured about the pate, that he seemed to be in a state of
stupefaction, and had ever since remained speechless. A country
apothecary, called Grieve, who lived in a neighbouring village,
having been called to his assistance, had let him blood, and
applied a poultice to his head, declaring, that he had no fever,
nor any other bad symptom but the loss of speech, if he really
had lost that faculty. But the young 'squire said this
practitioner was an ignorantaccio, that there was a fracture in
the cranium, and that there was a necessity for having him
trepanned without loss of time. His mother, espousing this
opinion, had sent an express to York for a surgeon to perform the
operation, and he was already come with his 'prentice and
instruments. Having examined the patient's head, he began to
prepare his dressings; though Grieve still retained his first
opinion that there was no fracture, and was the more confirmed in
it as the 'squire had passed the night in profound sleep,
uninterrupted by any catching or convulsion. The York surgeon
said he could not tell whether there was a fracture, until he
should take off the scalp; but, at any rate, the operation might
be of service in giving vent to any blood that might be
extravasated, either above or below the dura mater. The lady and
her son were clear for trying the experiment; and Grieve was
dismissed with some marks of contempt, which, perhaps, he owed to
the plainness of his appearance. He seemed to be about the middle
age, wore his own black hair without any sort of dressing; by his
garb, one would have taken him for a quaker, but he had none of
the stiffness of that sect, on the contrary he was very
submissive, respectful, and remarkably taciturn.

Leaving the ladies in an apartment by themselves, we adjourned to
the patient's chamber, where the dressings and instruments were
displayed in order upon a pewter dish. The operator, laying aside
his coat and periwig, equipped himself with a night-cap, apron,
and sleeves, while his 'prentice and footman, seizing the
'squire's head, began to place it in a proper posture. -- But mark
what followed. -- The patient, bolting upright in the bed, collared
each of these assistants with the grasp of Hercules, exclaiming,
in a bellowing tone, 'I ha'n't lived so long in Yorkshire to be
trepanned by such vermin as you;' and leaping on the floor, put
on his breeches quietly, to the astonishment of us all. The
Surgeon still insisted upon the operation, alleging it was now
plain that the brain was injured, and desiring the servants put
him into bed again; but nobody would venture to execute his
orders, or even to interpose: when the 'squire turned him and his
assistants out of doors, and threw his apparatus out at the
window. Having thus asserted his prerogative, and put on his
cloaths with the help of a valet, the count, with my nephew and
me, were introduced by his son, and received with his usual stile
of rustic civility; then turning to signor Macaroni, with a
sarcastic grin, 'I tell thee what, Dick (said he), a man's scull
is not to be bored every time his head is broken; and I'll
convince thee and thy mother, that I know as many tricks as e'er
an old fox in the West Riding.'

We afterwards understood he had quarrelled at a public house with
an exciseman, whom he challenged to a bout at single stick, in
which he had been worsted; and that the shame of this defeat had
tied up his tongue. As for madam, she had shewn no concern for
his disaster, and now heard of his recovery without emotion -- She
had taken some little notice of my sister and niece, though
rather with a view to indulge her own petulance, than out of any
sentiment of regard to our family. -- She said Liddy was a fright,
and ordered her woman to adjust her head before dinner; but she
would not meddle with Tabby, whose spirit, she soon perceived,
was not to be irritated with impunity. At table, she acknowledged
me so far as to say she had heard of my father; though she
hinted, that he had disobliged her family by making a poor match
in Wales. She was disagreeably familiar in her enquiries about
our circumstances; and asked, if I intended to bring up my nephew
to the law. I told her, that, as he had an independent fortune,
he should follow no profession but that of a country gentleman;
and that I was not without hopes of procuring for him a seat in
parliament -- 'Pray cousin (said she), what may his fortune be?'
When I answered, that, with what I should be able to give him, he
would have better than two thousand a year, she replied, with a
disdainful toss of her head, that it would be impossible for him
to preserve his independence on such a paultry provision.

Not a little nettled at this arrogant remark, I told her, I had
the honour to sit in parliament with her father, when he had
little more than half that income; and I believed there was not a
more independent and incorruptible member in the house. 'Ay; but
times are changed (cried the 'squire) -- Country gentlemen now-a-days
live after another fashion. My table alone stands me in a
cool thousand a quarter, though I raise my own stock, import my
own liquors, and have every thing at the first hand. -- True it
is, I keep open house, and receive all corners, for the honour of
Old England.' 'If that be the case (said I), 'tis a wonder you
can maintain it at so small an expence; but every private
gentleman is not expected to keep a caravanserai for the
accommodation of travellers: indeed, if every individual lived in
the same stile, you would not have such a number of guests at
your table, of consequence your hospitality would not shine so
bright for the glory of the West Riding.' The young 'squire,
tickled by this ironical observation, exclaimed, 'O che burla!' --
his mother eyed me in silence with a supercilious air; and the
father of the feast, taking a bumper of October, 'My service to
you, cousin Bramble (said he), I have always heard there was
something keen and biting in the air of the Welch mountains.'

I was much pleased with the count de Melville, who is sensible,
easy, and polite; and the countess is the most amiable woman I
ever beheld. In the afternoon they took leave of their
entertainers, and the young gentleman, mounting his horse,
undertook to conduct their coach through the park, while one of
their servants rode round to give notice to the rest, whom they
had left at a public house on the road. The moment their backs
were turned, the censorious daemon took possession of our
Yorkshire landlady and our sister Tabitha -- The former observed,
that the countess was a good sort of a body, but totally ignorant
of good breeding, consequently aukward in her address. The squire
said, he did not pretend to the breeding of any thing but colts;
but that the jade would be very handsome, if she was a little
more in flesh. 'Handsome! (cried Tabby) she has indeed a pair of
black eyes without any meaning; but then there is not a good
feature in her face.' 'I know not what you call good features in
Wales (replied our landlord); but they'll pass in Yorkshire.'
Then turning to Liddy, he added, 'What say you, my pretty
Redstreak? -- what is your opinion of the countess?' 'I think
(cried Liddy, with great emotion), she's an angel.' Tabby chid
her for talking with such freedom in company; and the lady of the
house said, in a contemptuous tone, she supposed miss had been
brought up at some country boarding-school.

Our conversation was suddenly interrupted by the young gentleman,
who galloped into the yard all aghast, exclaiming, that the coach
was attacked by a great number of highwaymen. My nephew and I
rushed out, found his own and his servant's horse ready saddled
in the stable, with pistols in the caps -- We mounted instantly,
ordering Clinker and Dutton to follow with all possible
expedition; but notwithstanding all the speed we could make, the
action was over before we arrived, and the count with his lady,
safe lodged at the house of Grieve, who had signalized himself
in a very remarkable manner on this occasion. At the turning of
a lane, that led to the village where the count's servants
remained, a couple of robbers a-horseback suddenly appeared, with
their pistols advanced: one kept the coachman in awe, and the
other demanded the count's money, while the young 'squire went
off at full speed, without ever casting a look behind. The count
desiring the thief to withdraw his pistol, as the lady was in
great terror, delivered his purse without making the least
resistance; but not satisfied with this booty, which was pretty
considerable, the rascal insisted upon rifling her of her car-rings
and necklace, and the countess screamed with affright. Her
husband, exasperated at the violence with which she was
threatened, wrested the pistol out of the fellow's hand, and
turning it upon him, snapped it in his face; but the robber
knowing there was no charge in it, drew another from his bosom,
and in all probability would have killed him on the spot, had not
his life been saved by a wonderful interposition. Grieve, the
apothecary, chancing to pass that very instant, ran up to the
coach, and with a crab-stick, which was all the weapon he had,
brought the fellow to the ground with the first blow; then
seizing his pistol, presented it at his colleague, who fired his
piece at random, and fled without further opposition. The other
was secured by the assistance of the count and the coachman; and
his legs being tied under the belly of his own horse, Grieve
conducted him to the village, whither also the carriage
proceeded. It was with great difficulty the countess could be
kept from swooning; but at last she was happily conveyed to the
house of the apothecary, who went into the shop to prepare some
drops for her, while his wife and daughter administered to her in
another apartment.

I found the count standing in the kitchen with the parson of the
parish, and expressing much impatience to see his protector, whom
as yet he had scarce found time to thank for the essential
service he had done him and the countess. -- The daughter passing
at the same time with a glass of water, monsieur de Melville
could not help taking notice of her figure, which was strikingly
engaging. -- 'Ay (said the parson), she is the prettiest girl, and
the best girl in all my parish: and if I could give my son an
estate of ten thousand a year, he should have my consent to lay
it at her feet. If Mr Grieve had been as solicitious about
getting money, as he has been in performing all the duties of a
primitive Christian, he would not have hung so long upon his
hands.' 'What is her name?' said I. 'Sixteen years ago (answered
the vicar) I christened her by the names of Seraphina Melvilia.'
'Ha! what! how! (cried the count eagerly) sure, you said
Seraphina Melvilia.' 'I did (said he); Mr Grieve told me those
were the names of two noble persons abroad, to whom he had been
obliged for more than life.'

The count, without speaking another syllable, rushed into the
parlour, crying, 'This is your god-daughter, my dear.' Mrs
Grieve, then seizing the countess by the hand, exclaimed with
great agitation, 'O madam! O sir! -- I am -- I am your poor Elinor. --
This is my Seraphina Melvilia O child! these are the count and
countess of Melville, the generous the glorious benefactors of
thy once unhappy parents.'

The countess rising from her scat threw her arms about the neck
of the amiable Seraphina, and clasped her to her breast with
great tenderness, while she herself was embraced by the weeping
mother. This moving scene was completed by the entrance of Grieve
himself, who falling on his knees before the count, 'Behold (said
he) a penitent, who at length can look upon his patron without
shrinking.' 'Ah, Ferdinand! (cried he, raising and folding him in
his arms) the playfellow of my infancy -- the companion of my
youth! -- Is it to you then I am indebted for my life?' 'Heaven has
heard my prayer (said the other), and given me an opportunity to
prove myself not altogether unworthy of your clemency and
protection.' He then kissed the hand of the countess, while
monsieur de Melville saluted his wife and lovely daughter, and
all of us were greatly affected by this pathetic recognition.

In a word, Grieve was no other than Ferdinand count Fathom, whose
adventures were printed many years ago. Being a sincere convert
to virtue, he had changed his name, that he might elude the
enquiries of the count, whose generous allowance he determined to
forego, that he might have no dependence but upon his own
industry and moderation. He had accordingly settled in this
village as a practitioner in surgery and physic, and for some
years wrestled with all the miseries of indigence, which,
however, he and his wife had borne with the most exemplary
resignation. At length, by dint of unwearied attention to the
duties of his profession, which he exercised with equal humanity
and success, he had acquired tolerable share of business among
the farmers and common people, which enabled him to live in a
decent manner. He had been scarce ever seen to smile; was
unaffectedly pious; and all the time he could spare from the
avocations of his employment, he spent in educating his daughter,
and in studying for his own improvement. In short, the adventurer
Fathom was, under the name of Grieve, universally respected among
the commonalty of this district, as a prodigy of learning and
virtue. These particulars I learned from the vicar, when we
quitted the room, that they might be under no restraint in their
mutual effusions. I make no doubt that Grieve will be pressed to
leave off business, and re-unite himself to the count's family;
and as the countess seemed extremely fond of his daughter, she
will, in all probability, insist upon Seraphina's accompanying
her to Scotland.

Having paid our compliments to these noble persons, we returned
to the 'squire's, where we expected an invitation to pass the
night, which was wet and raw; but it seems, 'squire Burdock's
hospitality reached not so far for the honour of Yorkshire; we
therefore departed in the evening, and lay at an inn, where I
caught cold.

In hope of riding it down before it could take fast hold on my
constitution, I resolved to visit another relation, one Mr
Pimpernel, who lived about a dozen miles from the place where we
lodged. Pimpernel being the youngest of four sons, was bred an
attorney at Furnival's inn; but all his elder brothers dying, he
got himself called to the bar for the honour of his family, and
soon after this preferment, succeeded to his father's estate
which was very considerable. He carried home with him all the
knavish chicanery of the lowest pettifogger, together with a wife
whom he had purchased of a drayman for twenty pounds; and he soon
found means to obtain a dedimus as an acting justice of peace. He
is not only a sordid miser in his disposition, but his avarice is
mingled with a spirit of despotism, which is truly diabolical. --
He is a brutal husband, an unnatural parent, a harsh master, an
oppressive landlord, a litigious neighbour, and a partial
magistrate. Friends he has none; and in point of hospitality and
good breeding, our cousin Burdock is a prince in comparison of
this ungracious miscreant, whose house is the lively
representation of a gaol. Our
reception was suitable to the character I have sketched. Had it
depended upon the wife, we should have been kindly treated. -- She
is really a good sort of a woman, in spite of her low original,
and well respected in the country; but she has not interest
enough in her own house to command a draught of table beer, far
less to bestow any kind of education on her children, who run
about, like tagged colts, in a state of nature. -- Pox on him! he
is such a dirty fellow, that I have not patience to prosecute the

By that time we reached Harrigate, I began to be visited by
certain rheumatic symptoms. The Scotch lawyer, Mr Micklewhimmen,
recommended a hot bath of these waters so earnestly, that I was
over-persuaded to try the experiment. -- He had used it often with
success and always stayed an hour in the bath, which was a tub
filled with Harrigate water, heated for the purpose. If I could
hardly bear the smell of a single tumbler when cold, you may
guess how my nose was regaled by the streams arising from a hot
bath of the same fluid. At night, I was conducted into a dark
hole on the ground floor, where the tub smoaked and stunk like
the pot of Acheron, in one corner, and in another stood a dirty
bed provided with thick blankets, in which I was to sweat after
coming out of the bath. My heart seemed to die within me when I
entered this dismal bagnio, and found my brain assaulted by such
insufferable effluvia. I cursed Micklewhimmen for not considering
that my organs were formed on this side of the Tweed; but being
ashamed to recoil upon the threshold, I submitted to the process.

After having endured all but real suffocation for above a quarter
of an hour in the tub, I was moved to the bed and wrapped in
blankets. -- There I lay a full hour panting with intolerable heat;
but not the least moisture appearing on my skin, I was carried to
my own chamber, and passed the night without closing an eye, in
such a flutter of spirits as rendered me the most miserable
wretch in being. I should certainly have run distracted, if the
rarefaction of my blood, occasioned by that Stygian bath, had not
burst the vessels, and produced a violent haemorrhage, which,
though dreadful and alarming, removed the horrible disquiet -- I
lost two pounds of blood, and more, on this occasion; and find
myself still weak and languid; but, I believe, a little exercise
will forward my recovery, and therefore I am resolved to set out
to-morrow for York, in my way to Scarborough, where I propose to
brace up my fibres by sea-bathing, which, I know, is one of your
favourite specificks. There is, however, one disease, for which
you have found as yet no specific, and that is old age, of which
this tedious unconnected epistle is an infallible symptom: what,
therefore, cannot be cured, must be endured, by you, as well as


To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.


The manner of living at Harrigate was so agreeable to my
disposition, that I left the place with some regret -- Our aunt
Tabby would have probably made some objection to our departing so
soon, had not an accident embroiled her with Mr Micklewhimmen,
the Scotch advocate, on whose heart she had been practising, from
the second day after our arrival -- That original, though seemingly
precluded from the use of his limbs, had turned his genius to
good account -- In short, by dint of groaning, and whining, he had
excited the compassion of the company so effectually, that an old
lady, who occupied the very best apartment in the house, gave it
up for his case and convenience. When his man led him into the
Long Room, all the females were immediately in commotion -- One set
an elbow-chair; another shook up the cushion; a third brought a
stool; and a fourth a pillow, for the accommodation of his feet --
Two ladies (of whom Tabby was always one) supported him into the
dining-room, and placed him properly at the table; and his taste
was indulged with a succession of delicacies, culled by their
fair hands. All this attention he repaid with a profusion of
compliments and benedictions, which were not the less agreeable
for being delivered in the Scottish dialect. As for Mrs Tabitha,
his respects were particularly addressed to her, and he did not
fail to mingle them with religious reflections, touching free
grace, knowing her bias to methodism, which he also professed
upon a calvinistical model.

For my part, I could not help thinking this lawyer was not such
an invalid as he pretended to be. I observed he ate very heartily
three times a day; and though his bottle was marked stomachic
tincture, he had recourse to it so often, and seemed to swallow
it with such peculiar relish, that I suspected it was not
compounded in the apothecary's shop, or the chemist's laboratory.
One day, while he was earnest in discourse with Mrs Tabitha, and
his servant had gone out on some occasion or other, I dexterously
exchanged the labels, and situation of his bottle and mine; and
having tasted his tincture, found it was excellent claret. I
forthwith handed it about me to some of my neighbours, and it was
quite emptied before Mr Micklewhimmen had occasion to repeat his
draught. At length, turning about, he took hold of my bottle,
instead of his own, and, filling a large glass, drank to the
health of Mrs Tabitha. It had scarce touched his lips, when he
perceived the change which had been put upon him, and was at
first a little out of countenance. He seemed to retire within
himself, in order to deliberate, and in half a minute his
resolution was taken; addressing himself to our quarter, 'I give
the gentleman credit for his wit (said he); it was a gude
practical joke; but sometimes hi joci in seria ducunt mala -- I
hope for his own sake he has na drank all the liccor; for it was
a vara poorful infusion of jallap in Bourdeaux wine; at its
possable he may ha ta'en sic a dose as will produce a terrible
catastrophe in his ain booels --'

By far the greater part of the contents had fallen to the share
of a young clothier from Leeds, who had come to make a figure at
Harrigate, and was, in effect a great coxcomb in his way. It was
with a view to laugh at his fellow-guests, as well as to mortify
the lawyer, that he had emptied the bottle, when it came to his
turn, and he had laughed accordingly: but now his mirth gave way
to his apprehension -- He began to spit, to make wry faces, and
writhe himself into various contorsions -- 'Damn the stuff! (cried
he) I thought it had a villainous twang -- pah! He that would cozen
a Scot, mun get oope betimes, and take Old Scratch for his
counsellor --' 'In troth mester what d'ye ca'um (replied the
lawyer), your wit has run you into a filthy puddle -- I'm truly
consarned for your waeful case -- The best advice I can give you,
in sic a delemma, is to send an express to Rippon for doctor
Waugh, without delay, and, in the mean time, swallow all the oil
and butter you can find in the hoose, to defend your poor stomach
and intastines from the villication of the particles of the
jallap, which is vara violent, even when taken in moderation.'

The poor clothier's torments had already begun: he retired,
roaring with pain, to his own chamber; the oil was swallowed, and
the doctor sent for; but before he arrived, the miserable patient
had made such discharges upwards and downwards, that nothing
remained to give him further offence; and this double evacuation,
was produced by imagination alone; for what he had drank was
genuine wine of Bourdeaux, which the lawyer had brought from
Scotland for his own private use. The clothier, finding the joke
turn out so expensive and disagreeable, quitted the house next
morning, leaving the triumph to Micklewhimmen, who enjoyed it
internally without any outward signs of exultation -- on the
contrary, he affected to pity the young man for what he had
suffered; and acquired fresh credit from this shew of moderation.

It was about the middle of the night, which succeeded this
adventure, that the vent of the kitchen chimney being foul, the
soot took fire, and the alarm was given in a dreadful manner.
Every body leaped naked out of bed, and in a minute the whole
house was filled with cries and confusion -- There was two stairs
in the house, and to these we naturally ran; but they were both
so blocked up, by the people pressing one upon another, that it
seemed impossible to pass, without throwing down and trampling
upon the women. In the midst of this anarchy, Mr Micklewhimmen,
with a leathern portmanteau on his back, came running as nimble
as a buck along the passage; and Tabby in her underpetticoat,
endeavouring to hook him under the arm, that she might escape
through his protection, he very fairly pushed her down, crying,
'Na, na, gude faith, charity begins at hame!' Without paying the
least respect to the shrieks and intreaties of his female
friends, he charged through the midst of the crowd, overturning
every thing that opposed him; and actually fought his way to the
bottom of the Stair-case -- By this time Clinker had found a ladder
by which he entered the window of my uncle's chamber, where our
family was assembled, and proposed that we should make our exit
successively by that conveyance. The 'squire exhorted his sister
to begin the descent; but, before she could resolve, her woman,
Mrs Winifred Jenkins, in a transport of terror, threw herself out at
the window upon the ladder, while Humphry dropped upon the
ground, that he might receive her in her descent -- This maiden was
just as she had started out of bed, the moon shone very bright,
and a fresh breeze of wind blowing, none of Mrs Winifred's
beauties could possibly escape the view of the fortunate Clinker,
whose heart was not able to withstand the united force of so many
charms; at least I am much mistaken, if he has not been her
humble slave from that moment -- He received her in his arms, and,
giving her his coat to protect her from the weather, ascended
again with admirable dexterity.

At that instant, the landlord of the house called out with an
audible voice, that the fire was extinguished, and the ladies had
nothing further to fear: this was a welcome note to the audience,
and produced an immediate effect; the shrieking ceased, and a
confused sound of expostulation ensued. I conducted Mrs Tabitha
and my sister to their own chamber, where Liddy fainted away; but
was soon brought to herself. Then I went to offer my services to
the other ladies, who might want assistance -- They were all
scudding through the passage to their several apartments; and as
the thoroughfair was lighted by two lamps, I had a pretty good
observation of them in their transit; but as most of them were
naked to the smock, and all their heads shrowded in huge
nightcaps, I could not distinguish one face from another, though
I recognized some of their voices -- These were generally
plaintive; some wept, some scolded, and some prayed -- I lifted up
one poor old gentlewoman, who had been overturned and sore
bruised by a multitude of feet; and this was also the case with
the lame person from Northumberland, whom Micklewhimmen had in
his passage overthrown, though not with impunity, for the
cripple, in falling, gave him such a good pelt on the head with
his crutch, that the blood followed.

As for this lawyer, he waited below till the hurly burly was
over, and then stole softly to his own chamber, from whence he
did not venture to make a second sally till eleven in the
forenoon, when he was led into the Public Room, by his own
servant and another assistant, groaning most woefully, with a
bloody napkin round his head. But things were greatly altered --
The selfish brutality of his behaviour on the stairs had steeled
their hearts against all his arts and address -- Not a soul offered
to accommodate him with a chair, cushion, or footstool; so that
he was obliged to sit down on a hard bench -- In that position, he
looked around with a rueful aspect, and, bowing very low, said in
a whining tone, 'Your most humble servant, ladies -- Fire is a
dreadful calamity' -- 'Fire purifies gold, and it ties friendship,'
cried Mrs Tabitha, bridling. 'Yea, madam (replied Micklewhimmen);
and it trieth discretion also' -- 'If discretion consists in
forsaking a friend in adversity, you are eminently possessed of
that virtue' (resumed our aunt). -- 'Na, madam (rejoined the
advocate), well I wot, I cannot claim any merit from the mode of
my retreat -- Ye'll please to observe, ladies, there are twa
independent principles that actuate our nature -- One is instinct,
which we have in common with the brute creation, and the other is
reason -- Noo, in certain great emergencies, when the faculty of
reason is suspended, instinct taks the lead, and when this
predominates, having no affinity with reason, it pays no sort of
regard to its connections; it only operates for the preservation
of the individual, and that by the most expeditious and effectual
means; therefore, begging your pardon, ladies, I'm no accountable
in foro conscientioe for what I did, while under the influence of
this irresistible pooer.'

Here my uncle interposing, 'I should be glad to know (said he),
whether it was instinct that prompted you to retreat with bag and
baggage; for, I think, you had a portmanteau on your shoulder'
The lawyer answered, without hesitation, 'Gif I might tell my
mind freely, withoot incuring the suspicion of presumption, I
should think it was something superior to either reason or
instinct which suggested that measure, and this on a twafold
accoont: in the first place, the portmanteau contained the
writings of a worthy nobleman's estate; and their being burnt
would have occasioned a loss that could not be repaired;
secondly, my good angel seems to have laid the portmanteau on my
shoulders, by way of defence, to sustain the violence of a most
inhuman blow, from the crutch of a reverend clergyman, which,
even in spite of that medium, hath wounded me sorely, even unto
the pericranium.' 'By your own doctrine (cried the parson, who
chanced to be present), I am not accountable for the blow, which
was the effect of instinct.' 'I crave your pardon, reverend sir
(said the other), instinct never acts but for the preservation of
the individual; but your preservation was out of the case -- you
had already received the damage, and therefore the blow must be
imputed to revenge, which is a sinful passion, that ill becomes
any Christian, especially a protestant divine; and let me tell
you, most reverend doctor, gin I had a mind to plea, the law
would hauld my libel relevant.' 'Why, the damage is pretty equal
on both sides (cried the parson); your head is broke, and my
crutch is snapt in the middle. Now, if you will repair the one, I
will be at the expence of curing the other.'

This sally raised the laugh against Micklewhimmen, who began to
look grave; when my uncle, in order to change the discourse,
observed, that instinct had been very kind to him in another
respect; for it had restored to him the use of his limbs, which,
in his exit, he had moved with surprising agility. -- He replied,
that it was the nature of fear to brace up the nerves; and
mentioned some surprising feats of strength and activity
performed by persons under the impulse of terror; but he
complained that in his own particular, the effects had ceased
when the cause was taken away -- The 'squire said, he would lay a
tea-drinking on his head, that he should dance a Scotch measure,
without making a false step; and the advocate grinning, called
for the piper -- A fidler being at hand, this original started up,
with his bloody napkin over his black tye-periwig, and acquitted
himself in such a manner as excited the mirth of the whole
company; but he could not regain the good graces of Mrs Tabby,
who did not understand the principle of instinct; and the lawyer
did not think it worth his while to proceed to further

From Harrigate, we came hither, by the way of York, and here we
shall tarry some days, as my uncle and Tabitha are both resolved
to make use of the waters. Scarborough, though a paltry town, is
romantic from its situation along a cliff that over-hangs the
sea. The harbour is formed by a small elbow of land that runs out
as a natural mole, directly opposite to the town; and on that
side is the castle, which stands very high, of considerable
extent, and, before the invention of gun-powder, was counted
impregnable. At the other end of Scarborough are two public rooms
for the use of the company, who resort to this place in the
summer to drink the waters and bathe in the sea; and the
diversions are pretty much on the same footing here as at Bath.
The Spa is a little way beyond the town, on this side, under a
cliff, within a few paces of the sea, and thither the drinkers go
every morning in dishabille; but the descent is by a great number
of steps, which invalids find very inconvenient. Betwixt the well
and the harbour, the bathing machines are ranged along the beach,
with all their proper utensils and attendants. You have never seen
one of these machines -- Image to yourself a small, snug, wooden
chamber, fixed upon a wheel-carriage, having a door at each end,
and on each side a little window above, a bench below -- The
bather, ascending into this apartment by wooden steps, shuts
himself in, and begins to undress, while the attendant yokes a
horse to the end next the sea, and draws the carriage forwards,
till the surface of the water is on a level with the floor of the
dressing-room, then he moves and fixes the horse to the other
end -- The person within being stripped, opens the door to the sea-ward,
where he finds the guide ready, and plunges headlong into
the water -- After having bathed, he re-ascends into the apartment,
by the steps which had been shifted for that purpose, and puts on
his clothes at his leisure, while the carriage is drawn back
again upon the dry land; so that he has nothing further to do,
but to open the door, and come down as he went up -- Should he be
so weak or ill as to require a servant to put off and on his
clothes, there is room enough in the apartment for half a dozen
people. The guides who attend the ladies in the water, are of
their own sex, and they and the female bathers have a dress of
flannel for the sea; nay, they are provided with other
conveniences for the support of decorum. A certain number of the
machines are fitted with tilts, that project from the sea-ward
ends of them, so as to screen the bathers from the view of all
persons whatsoever -- The beach is admirably adapted for this
practice, the descent being gently gradual, and the sand soft as
velvet; but then the machines can be used only at a certain time
of the tide, which varies every day; so that sometimes the
bathers are obliged to rise very early in the morning -- For my
part, I love swimming as an exercise, and can enjoy it at all
times of the tide, without the formality of an apparatus -- You and
I have often plunged together into the Isis; but the sea is a
much more noble bath, for health as well as pleasure. You cannot
conceive what a flow of spirits it gives, and how it braces every
sinew of the human frame. Were I to enumerate half the diseases
which are every day cured by sea-bathing, you might justly say
you had received a treatise, instead of a letter, from

Your affectionate friend
and servant,


I have not found all the benefit I expected at Scarborough, where
I have been these eight days -- From Harrigate we came hither by
the way of York, where we stayed only one day to visit the
Castle, the Minster and the Assembly-room. The first, which was
heretofore a fortress, is now converted to a prison, and is the
best, in all respects, I ever saw, at home or abroad -- It stands
in a high situation, extremely well ventilated; and has a
spacious area within the walls, for the health and convenience of
all the prisoners except those whom it is necessary to secure in
close confinement. Even these last have all the comforts that the
nature of their situation can admit. Here the assizes are held,
in a range of buildings erected for that purpose.

As for the Minster, I know not how to distinguish it, except by
its great size and the height of its spire, from those other
ancient churches in different parts of the kingdom, which used to
be called monuments of Gothic architecture; but it is now agreed,
that this stile is Saracen rather than Gothic; and, I suppose, it
was first imported into England from Spain, great part of which
was under the dominion of the Moors. Those British architects who
adopted this stile, don't seem to have considered the propriety
of their adoption. The climate of the country, possessed by the
Moors or Saracens, both in Africa and Spain, was so exceedingly
hot and dry, that those who built places of worship for the
multitude, employed their talents in contriving edifices that
should be cool; and, for this purpose, nothing could be better
adopted than those buildings, vast, narrow, dark, and lofty,
impervious to the sun-beams, and having little communication with
the scorched external atmosphere; but ever affording a refreshing
coolness, like subterranean cellars in the heats of summer, or
natural caverns in the bowels of huge mountains. But nothing
could be more preposterous, than to imitate such a mode of
architecture in a country like England, where the climate is
cold, and the air eternally loaded with vapours; and where, of
consequence, the builder's intention should be to keep the people
dry and warm -- For my part, I never entered the Abbey church at
Bath but once, and the moment I stept over the threshold, I found
myself chilled to the very marrow of my bones. When we consider,
that in our churches, in general, we breathe a gross stagnated
air, surcharged with damps from vaults, tombs, and charnel-houses,
may we not term them so many magazines of rheums, created
for the benefit of the medical faculty? and safely aver, that
more bodies are lost, than souls saved, by going to church, in
the winter especially, which may be said to engross eight months
in the year. I should be glad to know, what offence it would give
to tender consciences, if the house of God was made more
comfortable, or less dangerous to the health of valetudinarians;
and whether it would not be an encouragement to piety, as well as
the salvation of many lives, if the place of worship was well
floored, wainscotted, warmed, and ventilated, and its area kept
sacred from the pollution of the dead. The practice of burying in
churches was the effect of ignorant superstition, influenced by
knavish priests, who pretended that the devil could have no power
over the defunct if he was interred in holy ground; and this
indeed, is the only reason that can be given for consecrating all
cemeteries, even at this day.

The external appearance of an old cathedral cannot be but
displeasing to the eye of every man, who has any idea of
propriety or proportion, even though he may be ignorant of
architecture as a science; and the long slender spire puts one in
mind of a criminal impaled with a sharp stake rising up through
his shoulder -- These towers, or steeples, were likewise borrowed
from the Mahometans; who, having no bells, used such minarets for
the purpose of calling the people to prayers -- They may be of
further use, however, for making observations and signals; but I
would vote for their being distinct from the body of the church,
because they serve only to make the pile more barbarous, or

There is nothing of this Arabic architecture in the Assembly
Room, which seems to me to have been built upon a design of
Palladio, and might be converted into an elegant place of
worship; but it is indifferently contrived for that sort of
idolatry which is performed in it at present: the grandeur of the
fane gives a diminutive effect to the little painted divinities
that are adorned in it, and the company, on a ball-night, must
look like an assembly of fantastic fairies, revelling by
moonlight among the columns of a Grecian temple.

Scarborough seems to be falling off, in point of reputation. All
these places (Bath excepted) have their vogue, and then the
fashion changes. I am persuaded, there are fifty spaws in England
as efficacious and salutary as that of Scarborough, though they
have not yet risen to fame; and, perhaps, never will, unless some
medical encomiast should find an interest in displaying their
virtues to the public view -- Be that as it may, recourse will
always be had to this place for the convenience of sea bathing,
while this practice prevails; but it were to be wished, they
would make the beach more accessible to invalids.

I have here met with my old acquaintance, H[ewet]t, whom you have
often heard me mention as one of the most original characters
upon earth -- I first knew him at Venice, and afterwards saw him in
different parts of Italy, where he was well known by the nick-name
of Cavallo Bianco, from his appearing always mounted on a
pale horse, like Death in the Revelations. You must remember the
account I once gave you of a curious dispute he had at
Constantinople, with a couple of Turks, in defence of the
Christian religion; a dispute from which he acquired the epithet
of Demonstrator -- The truth is, H-- owns no religion but that of
nature; but, on this occasion, he was stimulated to shew his
parts, for the honour of his country -- Some years ago, being in
the Campidoglio at Rome, he made up to the bust of Jupiter, and,
bowing very low, exclaimed in the Italian language, 'I hope, sir,
if ever you get your head above water again, you will remember
that I paid my respects to you in your adversity.' This sally was
reported to the cardinal Camerlengo, and by him laid before pope
Benedict XIV, who could not help laughing at the extravagance of
the address, and said to the cardinal, 'Those English heretics
think they have a right to go to the devil in their own way.'

Indeed H-- was the only Englishman I ever knew, who had
resolution enough to live in his own way, in the midst of
foreigners; for, neither in dress, diet, customs, or
conversation, did he deviate one tittle from the manner in which
he had been brought up. About twelve years ago, he began a Giro
or circuit, which he thus performed -- At Naples, where he fixed
his headquarters, he embarked for Marseilles, from whence he
travelled with a Voiturin to Antibes -- There he took his passage
to Genoa and Lerici; from which last place he proceeded, by the
way of Cambratina, to Pisa and Florence -- After having halted some
time in this metropolis, he set out with a Vetturino for Rome,
where he reposed himself a few weeks, and then continued his
route for Naples, in order to wait for the next opportunity of
embarkation -- After having twelve times described this circle, he
lately flew off at a tangent to visit some trees at his country-house
in England, which he had planted above twenty years ago,
after the plan of the double colonnade in the piazza of St
Peter's at Rome -- He came hither to Scarborough, to pay his
respects to his noble friend and former pupil, the M-- of G--,
and, forgetting that he is now turned of seventy, sacrificed so
liberally to Bacchus, that next day he was seized with a fit of
the apoplexy, which has a little impaired his memory; but he
retains all the oddity of his character in perfection, and is
going back to Italy by the way of Geneva, that he may have a
conference with his friend Voltaire, about giving the last blow
to the Christian superstition -- He intends to take shipping here
for Holland or Hamburgh; for it is a matter of great indifference
to him at what part of the continent he first lands.

When he was going abroad the last time, he took his passage in a
ship bound for Leghorn, and his baggage was actually embarked. In
going down the river by water, he was by mistake put on board of
another vessel under sail; and, upon inquiry understood she was
bound to Petersburgh -- 'Petersburgh, -- Petersburgh (said he) I
don't care if I go along with you.' He forthwith struck a bargain
with the captain; bought a couple of shirts of the mate, and was
safe conveyed to the court of Muscovy, from whence he travelled
by land to receive his baggage at Leghorn -- He is now more likely
than ever to execute a whim of the same nature; and I will hold
any wager, that as he cannot be supposed to live much longer,
according to the course of nature, his exit will be as odd as his
life has been extravagant.

[This gentleman crossed the sea to France, visited and conferred
with Mr de Voltaire at Fernay, resumed his old circuit at Genoa,
and died in 1767, at the house of Vanini in Florence. Being taken
with a suppression of urine, he resolved, in imitation of
Pomponius Atticus, to take himself off by abstinence; and this
resolution he executed like an ancient Roman. He saw company to
the last, cracked his jokes, conversed freely, and entertained
his guests with music. On the third day of his fast, he found
himself entirely freed of his complaint; but refused taking
sustenance. He said the most disagreeable part of the voyage was
past, and he should be a cursed fool indeed, to put about ship,
when he was just entering the harbour. In these sentiments he
persisted, without any marks of affectation, and thus finished
his course with such case and serenity, as would have done honour
to the firmest Stoic of antiquity.]

But, to return from one humourist to another, you must know I
have received benefit, both from the chalybeate and the sea, and
would have used them longer, had not a most ridiculous adventure,
by making me the town-talk, obliged me to leave the place; for I
can't bear the thoughts of affording a spectacle to the multitude
Yesterday morning, at six o'clock, I went down to the bathing-place,
attended by my servant Clinker, who waited on the beach as
usual -- The wind blowing from the north, and the weather being
hazy, the water proved so chill, that when I rose from my first
plunge, I could not help sobbing and bawling out, from the
effects of the cold. Clinker, who heard me cry, and saw me
indistinctly a good way without the guide, buffetting the waves,
took it for granted I was drowning, and rushing into the sea,
clothes and all, overturned the guide in his hurry to save his
master. I had swam out a few strokes, when hearing a noise, I
turned about and saw Clinker, already up to his neck, advancing
towards me, with all the wildness of terror in his aspect -- Afraid
he would get out of his depth, I made haste to meet him, when,
all of a sudden, he seized me by one ear, dragged me bellowing
with pain upon the dry beach, to the astonishment of all the
people, men, and women, and children there assembled.

I was so exasperated by the pain of my ear, and the disgrace of
being exposed in such an attitude, that, in the first transport I
struck him down; then, running back into the sea, took shelter in
the machine where my clothes had been deposited. I soon
recollected myself so far as to do justice to the poor fellow,
who, in great simplicity of heart, had acted from motives of
fidelity and affection -- Opening the door of the machine, which
was immediately drawn on shore, I saw him standing by the wheel,
dropping like a water-work, and trembling from head to foot;
partly from cold, and partly from the dread of having offended
his master -- I made my acknowledgments for the blow he had
received, assured him I was not angry, and insisted upon his
going home immediately, to shift his clothes; a command which he
could hardly find in his heart to execute, so well disposed was
he to furnish the mob with further entertainment at my expence.
Clinker's intention was laudable without all doubt, but,
nevertheless, I am a sufferer by his simplicity -- I have had a
burning heat, and a strange buzzing noise in that ear, ever since
it was so roughly treated; and I cannot walk the street without
being pointed at; as the monster that was hauled naked a-shore
upon the beach -- Well, I affirm that folly is often more provoking
than knavery, aye and more mischievous too; and whether a man had
not better choose a sensible rogue, than an honest simpleton for
his servant, is no matter of doubt with


To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart of Jesus college, Oxon.


We made a precipitate retreat from Scarborough, owing to the
excessive delicacy of our 'squire, who cannot bear the thoughts
of being proetereuntium digito monstratus.

One morning, while he was bathing in the sea, his man Clinker
took it in his head that his master was in danger of drowning;
and, in this conceit, plunging into the water, he lugged him out
naked on the beach, and almost pulled off his ear in the
operation. You may guess how this atchievement was relished by Mr
Bramble, who is impatient, irascible, and has the most
extravagant ideas of decency and decorum in the oeconomy of his
own person -- In the first ebullition of his choler, he knocked
Clinker down with his fist; but he afterwards made him amends for
his outrage, and, in order to avoid further notice of the people,
among whom this incident had made him remarkable, he resolved to
leave Scarborough next day.

We set out accordingly over the moors, by the way of Whitby, and
began our journey betimes, in hopes of reaching Stockton that
night; but in this hope we were disappointed -- In the afternoon,
crossing a deep gutter, made by a torrent, the coach was so hard
strained, that one of the irons, which connect the frame, snapt,
and the leather sling on the same side, cracked in the middle. The
shock was so great, that my sister Liddy struck her head against
Mrs Tabitha's nose with such violence that the blood flowed; and
Win. Jenkins was darted through a small window in that part of
the carriage next the horses, where she stuck like a bawd in the
pillory, till she was released by the hand of Mr Bramble. We were
eight miles distant from any place where we could be supplied
with chaises, and it was impossible to proceed with the coach,
until the damage should be repaired -- in this dilemma, we
discovered a blacksmith's forge on the edge of a small common,
about half a mile from the scene of our disaster, and thither the
postilions made shift to draw the carriage, slowly, while the
company walked a-foot; but we found the black-smith had been dead
some days; and his wife, who had been lately delivered, was
deprived of her senses, under the care of a nurse, hired by the
parish. We were exceedingly mortified at this disappointment,
which, however, was surmounted by the help of Humphry Clinker,
who is a surprising compound of genius and simplicity. Finding
the tools of the defunct, together with some coals in the smithy,
he unscrewed the damaged iron in a twinkling, and, kindling a
fire, united the broken pieces with equal dexterity and dispatch --
While he was at work upon this operation, the poor woman in the
straw, struck with the well-known sound of the hammer and anvil,
started up, and, notwithstanding all the nurse's efforts, came
running into the smithy, where, throwing her arms about Clinker's
neck, 'Ah, Jacob (cried she) how could you leave me in such a

This incident was too pathetic to occasion mirth -- it brought
tears into the eyes of all present. The poor widow was put to bed
again; and we did not leave the village without doing something
for her benefit -- Even Tabitha's charity was awakened on this
occasion. As for the tender-hearted Humphry Clinker, he hammered
the iron and wept at the same time -- But his ingenuity was not
confined to his own province of farrier and black-smith -- It was
necessary to join the leather sling, which had been broke; and
this service he likewise performed, by means of a broken awl,
which he new-pointed and ground, a little hemp, which he spun
into lingels, and a few tacks which he made for the purpose. Upon
the whole, we were in a condition to proceed in little more than
an hour; but even this delay obliged us to pass the night at
Gisborough -- Next day we crossed the Tees at Stockton, which is a
neat agreeable town; and there we resolved to dine, with purpose
to lie at Durham.

Whom should we meet in the yard, when we alighted, but Martin the
adventurer? Having handed out the ladies, and conducted them into
an apartment, where he payed his compliments to Mrs Tabby, with
his usual address, he begged leave to speak to my uncle in
another room; and there, in some confusion, he made an apology
for having taken the liberty to trouble him with a letter at
Stevenage. He expressed his hope, that Mr Bramble had bestowed
some consideration on his unhappy case, and repeated his desire
of being taken into his service.

My uncle, calling me into the room, told him, that we were both
very well inclined to rescue him from a way of life that was
equally dangerous and dishonourable; and that he should have no
scruples in trusting to his gratitude and fidelity, if he had any
employment for him, which he thought would suit his
qualifications and his circumstances; but that all the
departments he had mentioned in his letter, were filled up by
persons of whose conduct he had no reason to complain; of
consequence he could not, without injustice, deprive any one of
them of his bread. Nevertheless, he declared himself ready to
assist him in any feasible project, either with his purse or

Martin seemed deeply touched at this declaration -- The tear
started in his eye, while he said, in a faultering accent --
'Worthy sir -- your generosity oppresses me -- I never dreamed of
troubling you for any pecuniary assistance -- indeed I have no
occasion -- I have been so lucky at billiards and betting in
different places, at Buxton, Harrigate, Scarborough, and
Newcastle races, that my stock in ready-money amounts to three
hundred pounds, which I would willingly employ, in prosecuting
some honest scheme of life; but my friend, justice Buzzard, has
set so many springs for my life, that I am under the necessity of
either retiring immediately to a remote part of the country,
where I can enjoy the protection of some generous patron, or of
quitting the kingdom altogether. It is upon this alternative that
I now beg leave to ask your advice. I have had information of all
your route, since I had the honour to see you at Stevenage; and,
supposing you would come this way from Scarborough, I came hither
last night from Darlington, to pay you my respects.'

'It would be no difficult matter to provide you with an asylum in
the country (replied my uncle); but a life of indolence and
obscurity would not suit with your active and enterprizing


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